Volcano - Part 2
April 13th 2008 14:45
Mike saves his daughter Kelly from the dangerous volcano, but too bad this movie couldn't help save her acting career. Look at the expression on that face!
There’s a “No Smoking” sign near some gas tanks which is meant to be a joke I think. Well it doesn’t matter if it was funny because we all know what is going to happen next. Yup, the lava touches it and there’s a huge explosion. The reporter continues to narrate everything that is going on. Mike forces Kelly to go with Dr. Jaye and help her as he has to go save the day. We have one of those crappy daughter/father moments before she takes off. The drums start beating and Mike gets ready to use the talents he used in The Fugitive in good use. Wow… there were a lot of “uses” in that sentence I don’t think it made any sense.
We go to the suburbs and there’s a dog trapped in a house! His family is crying and screaming as flames engulf their house. He’s gonna die! Don’t worry fokes it’s a Hollywood movie and animal injuries/deaths are rarely seen. The dog just pops out of the doggy door and runs out. Some firetrucks drive past the neighbour and one black guy thinks they didn’t help them “because we’re black!”. Mike runs around the city like a headless chicken as the lava flows throughout the city. Amy comes out of the hole and walks around the city, watching people run for their lives as the volcano destroys everything. She smiles and says that Rachel would have loved to see this. Yes, I am sure someone would LOVE to have seen hundreds of people panic and flee to save their lives, not to mention that they too would have to make a run for it as well.
Amy meets up with Mike, they have a little chat then push a bus against the museum to stop the lava from moving. Yeah, like a hunk of metal is going to stop something like lava. Mike and Amy have managed to trap themselves so they get on top of the melting bus. See I told you it wouldn’t work. They grab hold of a ladder on a fire truck and swing to safety. The train stuck in the tunnel is now facing the danger of lava slowly inching towards the carriage! Oh no, why don’t you idiots just smash open a damn window and get the hell out!? Amy predicts that there is going to be a huge eruption soon and this entices me to make some sexually related joke but I think I’ll pass.
The lava travels around the city touching every building and causing it to explode on impact. They decide to build a huge ditch to trap the lava so it either slows down or stops the flow. A white cop arrests a black guy because… well he’s black and there wasn’t an explanation given. A rescue team goes down into the tunnel to save all the people trapped in the train. They manage to open all the doors and they find everyone has pasted out due to the heat in the train and the lack of oxygen. They better hurry as the lava is coming in closer, and slowly! Mike calls his daughter and asks how she is while Amy places a basketball down on the ground and watches it roll. She says the lava flow is heading for a different direction.
With Mike's resources and Amy's brain these two can stop anything, even a massive river of lava!
The leader of the rescue team saves the train driver but the train is melting fast, even his Nike runners are getting melted! The guy starts saying the “Hail Mary” prayer as he sweats badly from his armpits. He really should have put on some underarm deodorant before he started saving it. He walks to the edge of the train and there is lava around it. He COULD make the jump since it isn’t that far but instead walks through the lava. Yup, he is walking through the lava and is dying a slow melting death. He throws the driver at the other works before fading into the liquid hot mag-MAH, just like T-1000 and T-101 did in Terminator 2.
Back up on the surface fire-fighters trying to put out the flames of buildings that are getting engulfed in lava - that really makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? Trucks arrive with tons of concrete walls to trap the lava. They are planting it down so they can contain it and dump a ton of water on to cool it off. They are working like crazy to block this up. The white cops decide to uncuff the black guy they arrested, but the black guy thinks they are going to “beat him down Rodney King style”. He helps the white cops move concrete slabs with his black friends showing us that people of any color can join together in times of danger. Amy predicts there is a source from where the lava is flowing – like from the volcano you moron? At the hospital some kids play Paper, Scissor, Rock. Some kid picks lava and wins! HA! I gotta try that one day.
The huge concrete wall has been completed. Everyone gets ready! It’s intense! There lava’s flowing everywhere and fire burning all over the place! The lava gets trapped and the water gets dumped! It worked! Amy checks out some steaming pile of rubble and says she found the source. Everyone’s celebrating and there’s a happy unity between white cops and black thugs. However, Amy ruins the party and tells them that there is a bigger bang about to happen. Dr. Jaye’s rich boyfriend wants her to come back home but she doesn’t want to leave all the people who are injured.
Amy and Mike check out a tunnel and see the huge flow of lava coming. Amy says that the city got what it deserved… yes that is right the city is getting what it deserved. What a bitch! How the hell could you say that all of these people deserved to suffer? She didn’t even try to justify why the city deserved a giant volcano! Anyway, it turns out that the huge lava flow is headed straight for the hospital where the majority of the city’s citizens are! What are the odds!? They work out that they can aim the lava into the river, which leads into the ocean. Mike is just worried about his daughter and no one else. They plan to destroy a building and bring it down to trap the lava. A destruction crew heads into the building ready to blow it up, and as luck would have it it’s the building that Dr. Jaye’s asshole ex-boyfriend is building.
Kelly loses some little kid she was meant to be keeping an eye on so she tries to find her. Dr. Jaye’s asshole boyfriend hates her work and how she has to, you know, SAVE PEOPLE’S LIVES! Yeah I agree what a selfish bitch curse her for trying to help people. The lava’s coming and some guys get trap downstairs. There’s an explosion of lava and a huge gusher shoots out. They blow the building up and the stupid kid that Kelly was meant to look after walks out during the explosions. Kelly runs after her, and Mike runs after Kelly. The three of them just stand there instead of RUNNING as the building starts to fall. The building falls, lava gets diverted into the river and everyone celebrates.
Everyone might look the same but when they all get clean, the world will return back to its racist ways.
But what about poor Mike, Kelly and the stupid kid? Don’t worry people it’s Hollywood, they survived having a twenty story building fall on top of them perfectly fine. The lava flows into the ocean and cools off. It’s raining ash heavily as a black cop holds little white boy. He asks him if he can find his mother and he looks around at everyone covered completely on ashes. The little kid says that everyone looks the same. We have whites and blacks and Hispanics and Asians and Arabs all looking the same as one another. Awww, what a revelation. You see guys, it doesn’t matter what race we are - we are all human and in times of need we all bond together. We are all the same and we should learn to love one another equally. That is a beautiful message and I am glad this movie opened my eyes to this. Well it starts to rain and all the ash gets washed off everyone, so I guess its back to good ol’ racism again.
Mike decides to take a vacation as some other crisis starts up and heads head with his daughter. They drive off and the camera zooms out to the destruction of the city, where we find out that the volcano is still… ACTIVE! The horror of a possible sequel haunts the audience as out movie comes to an end.
So there you have it Bucket Heads, another disaster movie that was well… a disaster. This is probably the most unrealistic of the disaster movies out there although I think The Core, a movie I reviewed months ago, was pretty up there as well. Come back on Friday when I will have my Top 5 Flops & Final Thoughts on this heap of crap. Until then take care of yourselves and remember, everyone is only equal when we’re covered in ash.
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Comment by Louie
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Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Fortunately for us Tommy Lee Jones was in this movie to save it. I think the movie was watchable for two things: Tommy Lee Jones and the volcano. These two acted better than the rest of the cast although the volcano's performance was half-assed.
Thanks for the comment!
Comment by Ann 2
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Anyways, great review. I just subscribed to your site.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I'm pretty sure he was carrying the guy in his arms though I could be wrong. All I remember was that it was about 5cm of lava in front of him but for some reason he couldn't make the jump. He should have just thrown the guy over the lava then jumped over himself.
Then again, his Nike runners were melting! How can one do the impossible which the awesomeness of Nike shoes?
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Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Why didn't he just run faster? Huh?
I was made to test some 3d software lava flow algorithm.
Just like 300 was there to test the blood splatter algorithm.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
He couldn't run fast because his Nike runners were ruined, duh! Besides the "Ash People" scene I think the Melting Man scene was terrible. I couldn't help but think of the ending of Terminator 2.
Cheers dude.