Volcano - Part 1
April 13th 2008 14:45
Volcano, a movie that tells us the only way people can be equal in this world is if they are covered in ash.
Hello Bucket Heads and welcome to another WONDERFUL movie here on The Bucket. I have been busy over the past few days watching a bunch of crap movies that are all going to be featured on this website in the weeks to come. I think I have seen about six or seven, probably more than that I could say my mind has a habit of blocking out the badness.
So what are we going to look at this week? Well there was a little disaster movie that came out in 1997. For some reason the end of the 1990’s saw many disaster films start coming out, from natural disasters to alien invasions. Like many of these movies the majority were very unrealistic and generally made for a bad movie. One of those had to be a little movie staring Tommy Lee Jones called Volcano.
Now the basic idea of Volcano was that a volcano managed to pop out of the ground in L.A (the home of disaster movies) and start erupting. Yeah, it sounds completely stupid and the movie was just as stupid as the idea of the movie sounds. It was pretty much the same thing as every disaster movie out at the time except it was probably the most unreal of the lot. So kick back and relax Bucket Heads and let’s take a look at the disaster movie that was Volcano…
Citizens of L.A do not fear! If you can survive earthquakes, solar beams and tidal waves you can survive a little bit of lava!
As the movie begins we are informed that the person in charge of the city’s emergacy services is entitled to have complete control in case a disaster occurs. Yes people, they even have more power than the FBI, the CIA and the President himself (or herself if you’re reading this now and Clinton has won the election). We go back and forth between shots of a city and of volcanoes exploding as the credits roll. We finally go to L.A and there’s some random protest going on about something. Inside a nice little house is Mike Roark cooking eggs for his daughter Kelly, but she doesn’t want to eat them because if the fat content or something. If that was my daughter, I’d force those eggs down her throat even if it meant she choked on them.
We go to a hospital that looks like the hospital from E.R and Dr. Jaye Calder is treating a victim of a drive-by shooting. The guy is black by the way so you have to love those stereotypes in movies. One of the nurses points to every single bullet hole in the guy’s body and tells us where he got shot. I think we could see that from the bleeding wounds in his body you idiot. Before they start operating an earthquake starts rocking the building! Everything returns back to normal and no one seems alarmed since this is Los Angeles, the home of disasters!
He cut to a bunch of random scenes around L.A, from a fighting breaking out between some black people to a bunch of people making bets at a construction site. We go to a geologist working center and everyone who works there wears glasses, obviously for the reason of showing us that they are smart since only smart people were glasses. Mike heads into work and it seems that this guy is a very hard work who comes into work even on his days off! How do we know this? Some guy called Emmit told us. That’s the American hard working spirit! We go to a park where some people are working underground. Some yellow gas sprays out from a hole and melts someone’s face off! Mike hears about how a few more men died underneath so he decides to go investigate.
Mike's trusty sidekick Emmit is standing by back at the base to support his boss with whatever information he needs as he enjoys his raspberry flavoured lolly-pops.
We’re informed by the supervisor of the work site that there was a fire down below in the park but Mike isn’t convinced. He puts on a suit and heads down to investigate, and sees a legless hobo playing the spoons before he heads down into the abyss! The guys back at the geologist are getting readings of gas and extreme heat. Mike sees a bunch of fried rats and notices that his heat resistance suit is starting to melt. They quickly get out as the underground begins to slowly break up. Mike gets out and is pretty pissed off about what is going on. Somewhere in the city a tar pit is starting to bubble up, that can’t be good. There’s a huge apartment building being constructed and it is owned by the boyfriend of Dr. Jaye. Meanwhile Kelly, Mike’s daughter, is working out on her yoga skills.
There’s a lot of work going on at Mike’s work and he gets a call from his bitch of an ex-wife who complains about not being with their daughter. A scientist by the name of Amy walks into the center and calls some guy with glasses a geek. Now coming from someone who works in a branch of science, wouldn’t that make her a geek as well? We go to a quick shot of the park and its hobo people before going back to Amy talking about the possibility of how an earthquake can form a volcano. She says its happened before and the last one that formed was over 1000 feet tall! Mike thinks she is stupid and says it doesn’t make any sense, which is funny since I don’t think this movie is making any sense either at this point. There seems to be some romantic interest between Amy and Mike.
Amy wants to go down into the hole and gets her (possible) lesbian friend Rachel to go down to explore it. Meanwhile the tar pit is starting to bubble up even more! Some random person is reading a book titled “Writing Screenplays That Sell” which this movie is a perfect example of how easy it is to sell a movie like this. The guy reading it is a train driver. Amy and Rachel go down into the tunnel and act like a bunch of idiots for no reason. They start talking to each other using big words and scientific terms that the majority of the audience doesn’t understand. Rachel stands over a huge crack in the ground as a big earthquake rocks the place. She falls down it and sees lava at the bottom. A little lava explosion occurs and Rachel gets burnt like a piece of bread in a toaster that’s been left on high.
Poor Rachel dies after falling into a pool of lava. We'll never know if she truly was a lesbian.
There’s mass panic across the city as the electricity has gone off and huge steam funnels are shooting out all over the place. Its night time and Mike is driving home when he sees the volcano start emerging from the ground! It starts spiting out big balls of fire, clouds of ash hell for some reason it is shooting out bolts of lightning as well. The volcano is destroying a bunch of buildings. Under the tunnel a train stops running and a bunch of people are trapped inside as the place starts to get heated up.
Dr. Jaye is driving around when the volcano spits out a perfectly aimed rock at a firetruck. This thing has a mind of its own! It’s the perfect killing machine! Since there is so much chaos going on a bunch of black people are going around looting shops. Don’t worry the film did include white people stealing as well only that they dress up like rappers… yeah you gotta love those stereotypes. It’s now snowing ash as Miek gives Dr. Jaye a hand. They are talking when the sound gets cut off. I thought my DVD screwed up since it couldn’t handle this bad movie but alas, it was just a build up for a big lava explosion. There’s some annoying reporter running around recording everything. Mike’s daughter Kelly gets out of the car and keeps staring at the lava traveling towards her at the alarming speed of 1 kilometer per hour. To avoid the lava getting to him Mike jumps up on the car only the lava just passes through it and starts to melt it. Meanwhile, the asshole reporter is recording some poor guy trapped in his car as the lava (slowly) rushes by and kills him.
Is there no hope for the poor people of L.A? Will they handle a volcano when the city has been the victim of countless earthquakes, tornadoes, solar beams from the sun, alien invasions, tidal waves and any other disaster Hollywood always throws at it? There’s only one way to find our Bucket Heads!
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