Turbulence 3 - Part 1
April 1st 2008 13:10
Category: No Category
Alright enough with the April Fool's madness! It's time to dive back into some real crap movies this time!
Alright Bucket Heads this week’s movie was not about to go underway for one bizarre reason. No, it had nothing to do with my Internet connection dying on me often like I said it was going to be a late post. The reason why I did not want to post this review was that I had no pictures from the movie to offer in my review. I decided it would be stupid of me not to make a post based off this since you guys don’t just go to my reviews just to see the pretty pictures right?
Oh… you do huh? Well umm… I wrote the review anyway but for those who like seeing pictures, they are going to be of some singers or bands that are famous/infamous for their role in the ‘metal’ genre of music. Why heavy metal bands? This is where I introduce this week’s movie titled Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal. Why did it have heavy metal involved? I’m still asking myself the same question.
This movie was bizarre, and had to have one of the most pointless and completely stupid plots that I have ever seen in a movie. It wasn’t to the point of Ballistics: Ecks vs. Sever bad meaning it had no plot at all, this movie had a plot but it was completely pathetic. How pathetic and how stupid could this movie be? Well like I said sometimes when I watch a terrible movie and think it can’t get any worse, a movie comes along and slaps me in the face. This is one movie Bucket Heads and it’s time to dive into some “heavy metal” bullcrap. Here we go!
Ahh Metallica. They're one of the greatest metal bands around and shocked us all when they put Napster out of business and tried to sue us all. They should have just tried to sue Craven for being associated with their genre of music.
We begin our movie with the friendliest protest that I have ever seen taking place out the front of an airport. To the left being blocked by police are a bunch of family-orientated happy-go-lucky church group and to the right we have a bunch of hardcore wannabe Goths. It seems the church group is protesting against the outrageous, the vile, the most controversial heavy metal rocker of all time, Slade Craven! His loyal gothic supporters are there to cheer him on as he performs his final concert ever, in a plane. Yes people some hardcore Gothic rock star is going to perform in front of a crowd of 40 lucky people inside a plane in midair.
A limo rocks up and out emerges the demonic worshipper himself, Slade Craven. Now before I continue I have to stress the point that this guy has to be the weirdest so called “shock jock” death-metal artist that I have ever seen. He looks like a combination of a member from Kiss, the puppet from the Saw movies and Rocky Dennis from Mask. The guy looks like a freak! Anyway, his band heads inside the airport but not before one of his members makes out with one of the gothic chicks in the crowd and manages to score her panties going so.
There’s a bunch of TV broadcasters and producers in a studio for the website Z-Web TV who are going to be giving a live feed from inside the plane. The hostess of the TV show named Erica is talking to the flight director and asks about the controversy of the flight concert. He replies with some random answer that doesn’t even touch up on the question asked, it was more like where the plane is headed to and where it is going to land. Everyone’s boarding the plane and we go to our two pilots. The co-pilot says he has never flown a plane before… which is very securing to know. He talks about heavy metal being like the Vietnam War because “it never stops” which is stupid since both things mention stop at some point.
We go to what looks like the poorest FBI headquarters in history and inside two agents are talking to one another. One of them is some random dude and the other is played by Joe Mantagna, which makes me wonder how desperate for work he was to land a role in this movie. They talk about this God-like hacker they’ve been tracking for years called Nick Watts. They walk up to the desk of Agent Kate Hayden who has been working on the case from the beginning. After many years of hunting they finally have his location, yet decide to allow the local police go in and pick him up another day? Agent Hayden’s pissed off and called the hacker a “Limber Head”.
We go to the secret hideout of the hacker and Nick Watts is nothing more than a hardcore hippy. He finishes off the stuff he was downloading and hits up Z-Web TV’s website and begins hacking his way into Craven’s music videos. Now this movie has gone on for about ten minutes? As Craven’s music video begins to play the credits of the movie begin rolling NOW! You know what’s really funny though? This so called “hardcore heavy death metal” rocker does not sound ANYTHING like any of the heavy metal or death metal or gothic metal that I have heard of. This has to be the softest rocker that I have ever heard of. And this guy had a huge chin and forehead.
After the five minute music video ends we go inside the plane and there’s a bunch of Goths boarding the plane. They are all getting searched for metal objects so of course someone’s going to have piercing in spots you can’t see that will set off the detector. Two gothic chicks are excited about meeting Craven. Meanwhile back at the FBI base Agent Hayden is annoyed that they aren’t going after the evil hacker but Joe Mantagna tells her to shut up and get over it. Damn, that was pretty straight forward. She jumps back on her computer and hacks into the hacker’s computer, intercepting a phone call from him to one of his sci-fi geek friends.
They wanted to rock and roll all night, they wanted to party everyday and if Kiss saw Slade Craven walking down the street wearing their rip-off costumes and make-up, they would want to kick his ass!
Craven and his band walk through the airport and get scanned. The alarm sets off because of all the metallic crap on his body. Instead of asking him to remove his clothing items, the inspector allows Craven and his band to past through after Craven sweet talks his way out of it. Yes people, with the high level alert of terrorism in airports they allowed five people to enter a plane with have sharp dagger-like spikes on the tips of their boots. Don’t you just love the whacky world we live in?
Nick Watts taps into some website and it appears that he is hacking into the cameras of the plane. Now see I thought at this point I thought Nick was so good as a hacker that he managed to take over the pilot’s controls and was going to control the plane. However, it turns out that Nick is just a big fan of Craven and he hacked into the plane so he can watch the show for free. Craven enters the plane to a horde of screaming fans (all 40 of them) and completely blows them off as well as the Z-Web TV crew. Erica the hostess gets really pissed off that they didn’t stop to talk like they planned. We then found out Craven has concealed a gun! Someone at airport security is going to get fired after this movie’s over Bucket Heads! The band members talk to one another while eating food and drinking champagne like all hardcore death metal bands so. The pilots start up the plane as the air hostess tries to give the safety drill but everyone just cares about Craven. Erica gets pissed off because someone has their feet on her seat.
The plane takes off accompanied with some “gothic” music which totally blows since it sounds like something that came out of a 14 year old’s garage. Craven sits back while listening to some classical music and the band starts up the show. The air hostess is trying to tell the band members to stop and sit down so she calls the captain. The band doesn’t care and begin setting up for their first song on the stage. Erica tells everyone that he is going on stage now and everyone rushes to the front of the plane, ignoring the bitchy air hostess. Erica asks those two Gothic chicks from the start what they think about Craven and they start going crazy like a wild Beatles fan. Erica gets annoyed at her cameraman for not focusing the camera on her. Man, this woman is a total bitch.
Everyone’s at the stage and all the Goths are loving it. The music kicks in and Craven comes out singing. I’m telling you, if you are not familiar with this style of music (gothic, death metal etc.) you would think this is as hardcore as it gets. Believe me, this is nowhere and I mean NOWHERE near as hardcore as some of the stuff I have heard. For someone who is meant to be outrageous and the so called “Anti-Christ”, (yeah they mentioned he was the Anti-Christ), he has to be the softest hardcore rocker ever. For some reason everyone loves this even Nick Watts who uses a broom like a guitar and dances around his apartment. Everyone loves the song and going crazy in the plane and after four minutes or so, the crap finally finishes.
Craven grabs one guy from the crowd and straps him to an “electric chair”. He pulls a switch for the power and sparks go off. This is the shocking stuff that this guy does at his concerts? A crappy electric chair stunt? I’ve heard of a lot worse things coming out of a Christina Aguilera concert. Everyone thinks the guy in the chair is dead but it’s all a trick and he is alive and well! Everyone loves what is going on until the plane hits some TURBULENCE! Sorry, I just had to write that in caps. Craven walks off the stage and back at the Z-Web TV station the director is getting annoyed at Erica for some reason. In the back of the plane someone walks up to someone from behind and knocks them out cold!
Cradle of Filth, now here is a real Gothic metal band that Craven tries to act like. Their concerts are rated R for very good reasons (like having chicks bath in a tub of blood), and if Craven saw their act he'd probably cry knowing that his acts would measure up as PG-13.
Nick sees this on his screen and before he can do anything about it Agent Hayden walks in with a pizza. He thinks she is the new delivery girl, though she is dressed in a full suit, and talks to her about how awesome of a hacker he is and how he will never get caught. She shatters his world by saying she is an FBI agent and arrests him. Now correct me if I am wrong but don’t you need to get a warrant to arrest someone? If she arrests him now without a warrant doesn’t that mean all the years they put into this guy will go down the drain? Nick tries to talk his way out of the arrest by mentioning the attack on the plane as the website the concert is being aired on is losing viewers by the thousands. Agent Hayden calls Nick “Mr. Attila the Hun”, she really needs to work on her insults, and then pulls a gun on the guy after he tells her he was impressed she hacked his computer. She isn’t a people person is she?
Back at the plane and the cameraman is talking to one of the Gothic chicks he taped earlier. Erica wants Craven to come back out on stage and demands that the cameraman go find him. He finds the rocker but Craven says he’ll come out when he feels like coming out. The director of Z-Web TV has a cappuccino and gets pissed off that they are losing tons of viewers while he has froth on his nose. Come on you didn’t laugh? That stuff is gold! That is SO FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Someone getting mad without realizing he has froth on his nose! Come on you need to be a creative GENIUS to think of something that funny. Anyway, Agent Hayden watches the footage of the attack on the plane and finally believes her arch nemesis.
The head pilot of the plane makes his way to the air hostesses, who are complaining about the noise. Well that’s what happens at a damn concert get over it. The pilot makes his way through the crowd of wild fans as the band begins playing. Craven finally steps out and his fans roar in excitement however Craven doesn’t feel like singing. Instead he pulls out a gun, confusing his band members but his fans love it. He wants to kill someone to he aims at the captain and fires but alas, it is merely a blank. Everyone loves it and more viewers around the world are logging on to see this shock jock fire a fake gun! He asks a random fan if she wants to die, then turns back to the captain and shoots him for real this time.
At that moment, the plane flies through a wild storm. The captain is dead and everyone is in shock. Agent Hayden tries to call Joe Mantagna while Craven asks why people aren’t having fun anymore. Agent Hayden finally reaches her boss and tells him what is going on while Craven talks about playing a game called “Who Dies Next?”. Sounds pretty good honestly I wonder what prizes our contestants are going to win. Someone tries to tackle Craven but he fights them off which seems to be a pretty good idea right now doesn’t it? There are about 50 people on this plane so why don’t they ALL just jump him? Craven calls over Erica to him and takes her hostage, telling people around the world to keep logging on. That’s the most random terrorist demand I’ve ever heard of.
Z-Web TV kills the feed and their director calls the FBI to tell them what is going on in the plane. Meanwhile at the hacker’s home Nick Watts tells Agent Hayden to uncuff him so that he can get the feed back up on.
The suspense is killing me Bucket Heads! What is going to happen on this wild, crazy plane trip? Why is Craven acting like such a psycho? Will Agent Hayden be forced to ally with her enemy in order to try and help the situation? Will more viewers tune in to see Craven like he demanded? Only one way to find out!
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