Bucket Movies Presents: The Marine
February 22nd 2009 22:49
When he isn't in the wrestling ring, John Cena is doing what he does best - bad acting!
Let’s take a step back in time Bucket Heads to last week. Remember how I told you all about how the WWE –World Wrestling Entertainment – wanted to venture out into the Hollywood world with their own movies? Remember how I said they made more movies after how bad See No Evil was? This week I decided to stick with the WWE and look at another movie of theirs – one called The Marine.
Basically the whole idea of this movie was to create one of those action movies from the past. You know the type of movies where the good guy loses his girl to some commandos or something so he goes on a bloody mission to get her back? Just like those awesome action movies from like the 1980s. Well WWE had a similar idea with this movie, only it didn’t involve one man taking on an entire army.
Naturally being a WWE film The Marine’s main star of the movie was wrestler John Cena. He definitely has the look of an action star because he is so ripped and muscular. Being a wrestler himself he could probably do his own stuns as well. It seems like this movie is going to be good right? …right? Yeah, if that mad a bad horror movie, why did WWE think they could make a good action movie?
T-1000, I mean Rome, shows off how bad ass he is by standing next to a car as it explodes - WITHOUT getting burnt at all! Now THAT is bad ass!
The movie opens up with a crappy title screen with John Cena dressed up in marine uniform standing on the American flag. Trust me it is as bad as it sounds. We go to Iraq where Al-Qaeda have taken a bunch of marines hostage. Enter John Triton (they really thought hard about that name didn’t they?) and he is watching his fellow marines get the crap kicked out of them. John tells his commanders the marines are going to be executed and defies their orders to wait. He runs in guns blazing and the terrorists can’t land a single bullet on him. John arms himself with a flaming piece of wood and beats up about a dozen of them. He saves the marines as an air strike takes place on the base.
We go to the Marine HQ in Germany where John is working out with his marine buddies in the gym. The Colonel wants to speak to John in private and tells him that he is getting discharged… because he went against their orders and saved the men!? Wow being a marine sucks. It’s not as fun as they make out it is in Full Metal Jacket huh? John says he can’t be discharged because he is a marine. No seriously, that’s what he said.
Poor John goes back home to his wife Kate and to start making out. He carries her to the bed room and they are still kissing. They’re in the kitchen and they are STILL kissing! Kate says it was a surprise that John came back. Wouldn’t he have phoned her up before and told her? John says he is going to start a new job soon, and then they decide to actually bang.
Meanwhile Rome – played by T-1000 from Terminator 2 – is in a car being driven by a guy call Viscera to a jewelry store. Rome does crappy Scarface impersonations. Rome gets out and walks past a hotdog stand, where his associate Morgan has placed a huge large bag on it. Rome enters the jewelry store and looks at a few diamond necklaces. Rome beats up the ONLY security guard inside and is joined by Bennett – who was pretending to be some cowboy shopper. Rome threatens to kill people if he doesn’t get what he wants on the other side of the bulletproof door. He takes a woman hostage and the guy on the opposite side of the door opens it. The woman turns out to be Rome’s woman Angie. Rome takes the diamonds, and it turns out the guy behind the door was with Rome as well! Man, who the f*** isn’t with this guy? Rome kills him to make it look real.
Rome acts all cool like as he and his crew walk out of the building. They leave the building as the cops are coming. They casually go to their car, get an M16 and shoot the car up. Morgan, the guy at the hotdog stand, pulls out a bazooka from the bag and blows the cop car up. Rome is standing right next to the car as it blows up. Not only does the impact not throw him back several meters, but the immense flames don’t even singe his clothes. Rome and his gang escape. An FBI agent is investigating the scene and figures out that the guy killed behind the doors was part of the team. How I don’t know but he must be psychic or something.
John is now working as a security guard in some place where rich people work. He takes his job very seriously, because he was a Marine. He works with some fat annoying guy and no, he isn’t played by Kevin James. The fat guard tells John that he can move up from this position but he has only been here for about nine years. There’s a psycho ex-boyfriend on an upper floor harasses a female employee he used to do. John and fat guy go up and John grabs him. They go down to the ground floor where the rich guy’s bodyguards are waiting. The rich guy is acting like an asshole and swings at John, who defends himself. He beats them all up and rich guy threatens to buy the building and fire him.
Cena shows the audience that he can act as well as he can wrestle - and if you watch WWE Raw every week you know what that means...
John and fat guy are at a pub having some beers and John has been fired from his job. He was fired from his job? He was doing his job and was fired from it!? Those bosses are assholes aren’t they? Who the hell fires someone from doing their job!? That’s like a hospital CEO firing his top heart surgeon because he saved someone’s life! Anyway, John starts crapping on about not being a Marine anymore and he doesn’t know what to do in his life anymore. The fat guy tries to cheer him up but it’s not use.
Rome is with Angie in a nice hotel room. She wants to know why Rome killed the kid in the store and why Morgan blew up the cop car. Rome says it’s part of the job and the Angie’s worried about getting caught. Rome acts cool about it and tells her not to worry about it so much. They start kissing. He gets a phone call from his business partner who is pissed off about the cop killing. Angie is taking off her clothes. The guy on the phone is buying the diamonds from him and Rome says he is in control and not him.
John gets a lift from the fat boy and his wife’s wondering what’s up. John says nothing happened but it appears on the news. John gives the “that’s not me’ speech bullshit cause he doesn’t want to sit around doing nothing. Why? Because he is a marine! Kate wants to do something crazy. No she wasn’t implying she wants to pour melted chocolate on her body and put cream and strawberries on top – she just wants to get up and just drive somewhere random. Kate starts tickling John until he gives in and says yes. For a marine, he shouldn’t be getting tickled. Hartman would rip his head off and shit down his neck if he saw that crap!
Morgan goes to some garage thing getting patted down by a huge black guy who was a football player. Frank, the guy who owns the garage, is talking to Morgan who offers him some rock candy. Morgan is scared of the stuff after some incident… I see. Frank gives Morgan a crappy van for the next job but Morgan is pissed off about it. He says he wants a better car than that because… he is black. Yeah I think that’s just as worse as “I’m a marine”. Frank says he isn’t going to give him a car that’s going to make Rome look noticeable, so Morgan just steals a nice car he sees.
John and Kate are driving around the hillsides. They don’t know where they are going at all. Who the hell does that anyway? John talks about going camping when he was a kid with his brothers. They stop at a gas station and Kate wants a diet coke. She says John has a nice butt. John walks past Rome, and his men are inside getting things. A cop car pulls up and the officer steps out. Everyone is worried as he approaches Rome, and starts talking about the Cadillac he is driving. Morgan comes out and just randomly kills the cop. Rome shots the other cop inside. John runs out of the station to try and get to Kate but gets a fire extinguisher to the face. Angie kills the gas station owner and Rome’s goons take John’s car with Kate inside.
Morgan shoots the petrol and sets the place on fire. Everything starts exploding but lucky John up in time to avoid the huge explosion. It’s ok people, the fire doesn’t singe his clothes either. What are these clothes made out of by the way? I need to know so I can buy some incase my car randomly blows up one day. John sees the cop car and runs to it as the station explodes… again? He drags the cop to safety and takes the cop car that looks like it’s been modified for drag racing. He calls the police station, tells them who he is and let’s them know about the situation.
Rome and his goons talk to Kate about being married to a Marine. John’s coming up fast and they shoot at him. He holds up a bullet proof jacket to block all the bullets coming at him. What’s more stupid about this scene is that everyone just seems to be shooting in the same spot. The car is taking a huge beating as Rome ties to ram him off the road. They both go off on a side road where they are heading towards a roadwork area. Workers run out of their way and both vehicles end up back on the road.
Is the blonde chick upset over the (3rd) death of her husband... or did the actress breakdown after realising that this movie isn't going to help her career in any way?
Rome rams John back onto the roadwork area again. A bulldozer takes off the roof of John’s car. Despite the immense damage to the vehicle John is still going after the gang at full speed. One of the criminals says that John is like the Terminator, and Rome looks at him weirdly. Why the hell did they do that… why!? Kate tries to fight the crew but they hit her. Both cars are headed towards a cliff. Rome’s men unload everything they have at John’s car and somehow still manage not to hit him or cause major damage to the car’s motor. They finally blow up his engine and the car goes over the cliff but luckily John falls out of the car. Rome ties up Kate and the car is screwed now. Morgan argues with Viscera and Rome calms the situation down. They are going to go into the swamp to make the delivery of diamonds. Angie knocks out Kate.
People are on the scene of the gas station and the FBI agent arrives. He is talking to sheriff about the situation and the agent tells them it might be Rome and his men. They tell the agent they found the vehicles. The FBI agent checks it out and John comes out from the woods. John wants to go after his wife, and the agent decides to let him go? Ok that seems odd. The cops are on the hunt as Rome and his men are on the move. Kate wakes up and tries to escape. She beats up a few of them up but gets caught, and Angie punches her in the face. Morgan is getting pissed off about the situation and Rome says it it’s his fault. Morgan pulls the “black man” card then randomly pulls a gun on Viscera. Rome tells him to chill out, and he ends up killing Viscera himself. Alligators come and eat him.
The FBI agent is talking to the sheriffs about the car wreck in the river. Rome and his men are going through the swamp, and there’s monkeys yelling in the distance? There are monkeys in South Carolina? John’s running around trying to find his wife. He sees the spot where Viscera died and finds his knife. The helicopter flies over an old house in the swamp. Rome gets a call from the diamond buyer and he tells him that the deal is off. He gets another call from some woman confirming he’s been approved his cable TV. Attempt at comedy… FAIL!!! The helicopter comes back and they all duck.
John is on the hunt with his new knife and he sees the helicopter. He finds footprints and follows them. Kate is trying to escape from her ropes. John’s still running through the swamp. Morgan is bitching about all the snakes and stuff then pulls the “black man” card again for no reason. You know this is getting really annoying now. Rome is asking why he keeps saying that and asks Kate. Kate she says he is psychotic, and Rome gets offended. He says he thought Kate and him would have a future together. Kate calls him insane.
The helicopter is back again and two hicks who see it. John looks around again, hears a noise and gets himself netted in a trap. He cuts himself free but one of the hicks points a shotgun at him. John uses his elite marine kills to remove his gun and place the knife near his throat, but too bad his elite marine skills don’t save him from getting taken out by a 2x4. There’s a patrol boat going down the river and Rome goes to check it out. They decide to cross the river when the cops go.
John’s tied to a chair in some old barn. The two hicks are cocaine dealers. John gets a punch to the face. They think he is a cop but he isn’t. He ties to explain himself but they keep punching him. John says he is a cop and he bullshits that he has a tracker on him. The helicopter comes up once more and John smashes his chair to free himself. I don’t know whether he is a marine or the Incredible Hulk. A fight breaks out and John wins, not with his marine skills, but by using his wrestling moves! And who says wrestling is fake!?
By the way Rome survives being exploding in his face you would think that it really IS T-1000 brought back to life.
John’s out in the woods as the helicopter flies around. Jesus this helicopter flies all over the place and does see any of this? John runs again. Rome and his men go into the lodge. John finds them and he’s pissed off. The guys go into the shack. Rome wants Morgan to go find a generator. He freaks out about getting killed or getting raped. Rome says it will be like summer camp. Morgan starts talking about summer camp and some hunky camp guide called Tim who wanted to be called Johnny Whiplash. He offered him friendship, rock candy then “something he shouldn’t have accepted”. Wow I don’t know if this is meant to be funny or not but it sucks, a lot. Morgan goes off to find the generator.
Morgan steps outside and looks around. He finds the generator and powers up the shack. The jukebox inside begins playing. John tackles Morgan and tries to stab him. They fight Morgan gets his gun. John fights back and smashes bottles over his head. John gets his knife and stabs Morgan in the chest. Rome and Bennett are inside drinking chilled beers. How are they drinking chilled beers when the place has been abandoned all this time? Rome goes outside as John crawls underneath the stairs. Rome calls Frank the car guy and he tells him they are switching to Plan B… but Rome doesn’t know what that is yet. He says they are going to Phoenix and he needs a car. I thought he didn’t know what Plan B was?
Kate is looking at Angie and she is getting pissed off. Kate calls her pathetic and she says she is Rome’s title puppet. They are going to go to Phoenix and give the diamonds to someone who can move them. Rome tells Bennett to get the boat started… and then remembers Morgan isn’t here. Why? Cause his black!? Now who’s the one pulling the “black man” card? Bennett goes outside and he looks around for Morgan. He gets his gun out. John jumps out and Bennett and they fight. John uses his wrestling moves again to take Bennett down. He stomps on his face and kills him. The FBI agent appears and John tells him that he isn’t going to wait. The agent is cool with that.
John cuts off the power and Kate makes a run for it. Angie goes after her and they fight. Kate beats the shit out of her. Angie gets her gun out. John bursts inside and the agent joins in with Rome. Rome puts down his gun, and the FBI agent is actually the guy who wants the diamonds! Man, EVERYONE is with Rome! The FBI agent points the gun at John and Rome. Rome tries to sweet talk the deal and says he can kill John. John tackles the agent and uses him as a shield as Rome begins shooting at him.
Rome runs for it and he and Angie run with Kate. Rome starts shooting up the generator and hits the explosive tank. John dives out of the shack and one again, manages not to take any damage at all. Kate cries thinking he is dead… for the third time. This guy has survived three major death scenes and that HAS to be a record or something. They throw Kate into the trunk of the agent’s car and take off. John comes out from the water as a boat arrives. John tries to explain who he is, but the cop doesn’t care. He goes to arrest John, but John arrests the cop! He takes the boat and goes after Rome.
Angie is looking at the diamonds and she wants to keep one of the diamonds. Rome says they can work something out and Angie jumps on top of him while he is trying to drive. What a stupid bitch! Rome says they have to get rid of the car. There’s a guy driving a truck and Angie signals him to pull over. He does, and she skills him. John’s in the boat and hears about the truck driver being murdered on the police radio. Rome cuffs Kate to the truck’s roof.
John's survived more explosions and death scenes than Rome so far. Since T-1000 is already in this movie, I'm just going to assume that John Cena isn't playing "The Marine
It’s nighttime and Cena is still driving the boat. Miraculously both the boat and the truck arrive at the marine at the same time! Kate sees John out on the river but Rome and Angie can’t see him! Get it? They can’t see him! Unless you’re a WWE fan I guess you won’t get that. I’ll shut up now. Kate jumps Rome and he shoves her back. John gets off the boat jumps onto the truck. John moves to the passenger side, grabs Angie and throws her out in front of a bus. She smashes through the window and the diamond spill out, covered in blood. I guess you could say they are blood diamonds now!
Rome backhands Kate and John holding onto the truck’s door on the outside. Rome drives near some poles to get John off, but he holds on as he is being smashed through them. You should note that John STILL isn’t scratched or harmed from all this as well. Rome plows through a shed and John finally gets knocked down. He gets back up though and Rome slams into a pile of barrels that explode outside a warehouse.
Rome jumps out of the truck as it heads towards more explosives inside the warehouse. John runs after the truck but gets owned by Rome. The truck smashes out of the warehouse and into the river. Rome beats down John with a pipe as Kate is trapped inside the truck. The two fight and Kate tries to free herself as the water fills up the truck. Some planks of flaming wood crashes down onto John. Rome gets the upper hand and takes a sledge hammer to John’s gut. John is crawling around like he was just beat down in the middle of the ring. Rome gets a chainsaw and John starts to get his second wind.
John fights off the chainsaw with a wrench. Yes… a wrench can somehow overpower a chainsaw. John fights back and knocks Rome into a support beam. The roof collapses on top of Rome and the entire warehouse explodes. John dives into the river and sees his wife in the truck. He uses his brute strength to rip down the pipe she is tied to and drags her to the shore, as everything is exploding around him. He does CPR on her which he does poorly. He doesn’t even open her mouth to breath into it! Kate comes to and the couple hugs… but the peace is shattered by Rome who is now a burnt corpse!
Rome attacks John with a chain. John grabs the chain, flips Rome over and wraps the chain around his neck in midair – killing him as he lands. More explosions happen as John and Kate hug again. John tells Kate they should have gone to the beach and Kate laughs as the movie ends. That’s right; the movie ends with one of the corniest line in a movie that I have ever heard.
You know if I remember correctly in all the action movies I’ve seen the good guys always get the crap kicked out of them in every fight scene. In this one, John went down for maybe five seconds before he starts killing again. And we thought action movies from the past were over exaggerated? This movie crapped all over them! I’ll be going into a few details in a few days time. Until then - be well Bucket Heads!
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