The Marine - Final Thoughts
February 27th 2009 02:31
Category: M
Since they screwed up their first movie you would have thought that the WWE would take a bit more time in producing this one. They didn’t and ended up making one mess of a movie. It was an action movie that was so unrealistic that it made the scenes in Riki-Oh: Story of Ricky look real. John Cena played a bad ass “marine” in The Marine and it turns out he is basically indestructible. Here are my Final Thoughts!
Why did you mention the Terminator?
My eyes rolled as Bennett mentioned to Rome that John was like the Terminator because he wouldn’t die. Why was this bad you wonder? Rome was played by the guy who played T-1000. To make it worse Rome even looks at him like he was saying ‘Wha’ chu talkin’ ‘bout Willis!?”. I could have seen this being a lot worse if Rome turned his head to the camera and winked. Now THAT would have been terrible. It’s ok people, this wasn’t the only time they tried to be funny in this movie…
Was that an attempt at comedy?
There were so many scenes in this movie that were ruined by crappy attempts at comedy. There were scenes where it looked like Rome would be talking seriously then it would be ruined by a bad joke. There was a scene where Rome was on the phone with the diamond buyer and he was getting pissed off, then it was ruined by having him talk about cable TV deals with some random person who called him.
Need more examples? Morgan mentions he has a fear of rock candy at the start of the movie. You didn’t know whether or not this was serious because of the way he was acting (it was serious as you’ll see so I’m narrowing it down to bad acting). Later on Morgan talks about how he went to summer camp and was given rock candy by his camp guide, and then he was “raped” afterwards. It was a really bad scene that wasn’t funny at all, especially if this guy was really raped when he was a kid. Why would he be making fun of that?
Enough of the “black man” card already!
Something that really annoys me in a movie is when they run a crappy joke further into the ground. In this movie it was Morgan playing the “black man” card. I guess it wasn’t a joke – it was just a “thing” that this character had. Every time Morgan didn’t like something he pulled the “Black man” card and it got very annoying (and unfunny) the more he did it.
“I can’t drive this crappy car, I’m black!”
“Hey Morgan thanks for killing the cops. This is your fault.”
“Why? Cause I’m black!?”
“I don’t like swamp! I don’t like snakes! I shouldn’t be here - I’m black!”
See what I mean?
What a load of crap…
I’ve seen a lot of over-the-top action movies over the years but this movie not only took the cake, it baked a new cake and took that one as well. There were so many scenes in this movie that was so stupid because of what was going on in the scene. A good example is the car chase scene where Rome’s men unloaded probably five hundred bullets into John’s car. Not only did none of them manage to hit him, the bullets had no effect on the car at all.
Let’s not forget the awesome scene when Rome jumps John after been burnt alive. The last time I saw someone come back from the dead, it was in Anaconda when the giant snake spat up Paul Farone. I mean Rome was completely burnt from head to toe and still had enough strength to try and kill John.
I didn’t know John Triton was a robot!
So WWE had to protect the image of one of their biggest movie stars in this movie – by making him invincible. In all the action movies that I have seen I have never, EVER, seen a movie where the hero takes no damage at all. He walked out of three major explosion scenes without a single scratch! He wasn’t even sweating from the heat!
John had a fire extinguish swung at his face like a baseball bat – it didn’t break a single bone in his face. John was punched repeatedly in the face – to him it was like someone was blowing air on him. He gets rammed through pole and a shed as he hangs onto the side of a truck – he gets up, brushes off the dirt and walks off. Ok I was joking about that last one; he didn’t have dirt on his clothes. I’m surprised after all that he took, a simple 2x4 to the back knocked him out.
At least they didn’t make John Cena believe he was a marine…
Last week I mentioned how WWE promoted See No Evil by making its main star Kane think it was real, and that he actually attacked the actors after the director called cut. Thankfully WWE didn’t do the same thing with the wrestling star of this movie, John Cena. Could you imagine Cena coming out to the ring thinking he was a marine? I would have loved to see him go around to the fans at ringside beating them up and asking where his girlfriend was. Imagine if he pulled a knife on his opponent and started stabbing him!
Yeah WWE just promoted the movie like any movie company would – they “spoke to the audience”. Do you know what these people in the audience were saying? One woman was like “Man when I saw him without his shirt I couldn’t help but scream in excitement!” That’s interesting – since you know who Cena is you’d know he wrestles half naked every week. The best was some loser who came out of the cinema with his voice all horse-like. Why?
“Man the action scenes were so intense! I just kept screaming and cheering every time Cena owned people on screen!” Now I don’t know about you but I would be pretty pissed off if someone was in the same cinema as me screaming at the top of his lungs during the scenes. I’d walk up to that guy and punch him in the throat - we’ll see if he still wants to scream after that.
Final Thoughts.
WWE failed at making a good horror movie, and then WWE failed at making a good action movie. There were too many unrealistic scenes for an action movie – any car that takes over five hundred bullets, has its rooftop ripped off and basically falls apart cannot be moving and turning so good. Not even a tire was popped!
John Cena didn’t look like he was acting – it was like he was wrestling in a warzone environment. The other actors were crap, Morgan trying to pull the “black man” card constantly was even worse and the only thing that saved this movie from being a total disaster was T-1000 – but he was still bad. The movie’s storyline was completely pointless and stupid – poor marine gets discharged for doing his job and saving lives and now he doesn’t know what to do with his life. If he had the haircut for it I think we would have had the first emo marine ever.
And so that ends another bad WWE movie review. Don’t worry if you enjoyed this movie you’ll be glad to know that the Marine 2 is actually in the works. This time WWE decided to go with some no-name wrestler as the main star so we’ll see how crap that’s when the time comes. Until then and until my next movie review, have a safe and fun weekend Bucket Heads!
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