Bucket Movies Presents: The Hottie & The Nottie.
March 1st 2009 23:38
Only in a movie can a woman this ugly turn into a super hot chick - It's nice to see a movie that encourages people to get a huge make over isn't it?
Ah Paris Hilton – gotta love to hate her. Ever since she starred on that (fake) reality show where she was visit “normal American families” she hasn’t gotten out of the spotlight. After that she branched out (against her will) into the world of pornography. It looked like things were looking up for Paris… since she was flat on her back! See what I did there!?
Paris loves attention no doubt about that. I don’t know why but it must have been standing (or laying in her case) in front of a camera that really had her mind on making movies. Sure, the next several movies that would come out featuring her would have her clothed but I’m pretty sure every man aged between eight to eighty-eight still had her “break out” movie stuck in their heads. Paris has a minor spot in a movie called House of Wax but then, along come another masterpiece that was destined to end up here the second I heard about it.
The Hottie & The Nottie was built around Paris Hilton. The thing was hyped up to SHIT. I mean everywhere you looked Paris was there advertising it with her fake smile and her boring personality. Seriously watch her during an interview she’s like a cardboard cutout. She had huge parties and promotions for weeks bashing the media with how “hot” the movie was going to be. After a month of hype the movie was released… and made only $9000 on it’s opening night. The movie bombed, it was slammed by critics and now I have the honour, my Bucket Heads, of presenting it here.
Please note, sometimes I really hate this job…
You know, Nate isn't a very good looking guy. Why he is going for Cristbel and not June I'll never know. Oh wait yeah I do - he's a shallow piece of shit!
Our movie starts off in a kindergarten class. A young boy named Nate is completely mesmerised by the new little blonde girl called Cristabel. Nate’s completely obsessed with her and makes her an awesome card for Valentine’s Day. 20 years later Nate grows up to be a huge loser. He is playing his guitar and singing a crap song about how his girlfriend beats the crap out of him and treats him like shit… in front of his girlfriend. She gets up and smashes the guitar over his head, then sits down and cries.
She’s pissed off at him because he sings songs about her then proceeds to treat him like shit and leaves. You ask me that bitch deserved it. She takes the drawer out of a chest of drawers and gets out of the house. She is taking a drawer with her… and Nate asks if he is going to get it back. Nate’s girlfriend tries to run him over but he drops to the floor just in time. She calls him a loser and she takes off. Wow what a HUGE bitch.
Nate starts thinking back about his childhood. Everyone is giving cards out for Valentine’s Day and Cristabel receives awesome cards. Her ugly friend June doesn’t have any and man, she is one ugly kid! Nate decides that the only girl he ever wanted is Cristabel and he leaves his life in Maine and heads to L.A to get her. That has stalker written all over it. Nate heads to his best friend from Grade 1, Arno Blount. He’s a loser and Mrs. Blount gives the boys candy. Arno tells Nate that Cristabel kept getting hotter by the passing year. Nate freaks out when he sees a picture of June and Arno says they are still best friends. Arno tells Nate that for him to get to the “Hottie” you have to please the “Nottie”. Oh… NOW I know why they called the movie The Hottie and the Nottie!
Nate calls it fate and he is going to get Cristabel. Mrs. Blount brings out a huge file about Cristabel… a massive stalking file. He tells Nate her every move and everyone in town knows about her. There are a lot of people out there waiting for her at the beach. Nate is sitting with some losers, including a pasty-white albino guy. Cristabel is jogging down the path greeting everyone as she passes by. The losers hold up their signs as she passes them by. Nate gets up and goes running after her. He catches up to her and he tackles her from behind? That’s a pretty good impression to make on a girl you want. Nate plays stupid and makes out he just bumped into her. They talk and Cristabel remembers who Nate is. It should be noted, Paris Hilton can’t act for SHIT! I mean, cardboard cutout SHIT!
Nate and Cristabel go to a café to eat, and the albino guy is following her. That’s ok because Cristabel is so nice she reminds him about the restraining order and tells him to back off a few feet. Cristabel then tells Nate she is pregnant and she doesn’t know who the father is. Wait for Paris is now pretending to be herself in a few years time or what? Cristabel was just lying for some reason, so Nate starts lying about himself and how awesome he is. He is a spiritual personal trainer. Cristabel invites him to yoga with June. Cristabel writes her phone number on his hand and blows on it… and we get a nice close up on her tits.
Nate heads to Yoga and sees Cristabel there. June gets up and she is hideous. HIDEOUS!!! He pretends to kiss her cheeks and someone bumps him into her, kissing her on the lips. Cristabel says that was nice because they don’t get much action. I’m assuming she meant June because how couldn’t someone like Cristabel NOT get any action? Nate looks at June’s f***ed up feet. Nate asks June what she does and she works at the zoo. She has a lot of hair on her body. Nate’s freaked out a bit by it and she’s upset. They begin working out and Nate checks out Cristabel’s hot butt, then looks at June’s terrible butt. Cristabel has a sexy back while June has pimples all over hers. June lifts her foot into Nate’s face and he gags on her sock.
Nate sits down outside with Cristabel and they talk. He asks her out for dinner. She says she doesn’t want to because June hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. Cristabel says she made a promise that until June gets someone, she isn’t going to get anyone. Yeah… I’m sure you did you little hussy. Cristabel says she wants sex because she hasn’t had it for ages… again I’m sure she hasn’t. Nate is at Arno’s house and he is playing his Nintendo. His mother comes in saying that you can’t get anyone to go out with the Nottie. Nate says he is going to make someone go out with her. Arno says that everyone has tried it and no one will do it. Nate says he is going to pay someone to go out with her. Wait… didn’t something like this happen in 10 Things I Hate About You?
Cristabel & June - total opposite or one another. One wears old grandma clothes, the other wears her clothes so tight you can see her NIPPLES!!! Let the drooling begin gentlemen!
Nate is at the park with Cristabel on a really nice picnic. He says he is worried about June and Cristabel thinks that’s sweet. Nate acts like he cares about her and says he found someone perfect for her. Cristabel asks about his name and Nate says his name is… Cole Slawsom, because he looked at the pile of coleslaw on the plate. How… stupid. Cristabel asks for a double date but Nate says they’ll set them up in a good friendship. Cristabel says they should get her laid and says she needs it. Man, for someone who is meant to be really innocent Cristabel is really turning out to be a huge slut.
Nate puts up a fake notice about a “science experiment” paying people $500. He is watching on people looking at it and some girls go up to it, but work off. Some loser gets a tag and makes the phone call. Nate stops him and tells him he’ll make the same amount of money going out with someone. The guy thinks Nate is going to dress in drag. Nate says he isn’t but the girl he will go out with isn’t going to be pretty. The guy doesn’t mind.
Cristabel and June are at a restaurant and some guy comes up to her, flirting badly with her. June starts bagging him and he takes off. Nate and the guy approach. He sees June and almost freaks out. Nate drags him over and “Cole” almost leaves but Nate offers him more money. Nate is with Cole on the boat and he is calming him down for his date. The skipper of the boat arrives and it’s the douche from the bar. He runs off. Cole almost freaks out again, and Nate hands him a bottle of Jack Daniels. The guy drinks it all. They’re in the boat but not moving. They talk about her infected toe and Cole almost throws up. Cole wants to get out and makes out he has the runs but Nate forces him to sit.
Nate wants to play a game. He asks about going out on a date anywhere in the world, and Cole says “home”. Nate says he would go to Venice. June says it would be her dream date as well. Cristabel decides to go get a tan at the beach. Cole doesn’t want to leave the boat. Cristabel has a hot body in her bikini and they guys are happy. June has a really screwed body. Cole psyches himself up and June’s infected toe nail flies into his mouth. Cole dives into the ocean and swims off. This movie keeps on getting more pathetic by the second. It’s SO BAD I can’t describe it to you! The acting is terrible and they really made June WAY too ugly. Don’t worry Bucket Heads, the worst it yet to come.
Nate goes back to Cristabel’s house and June’s upset. Nate makes out he forgot about some “spa treatment” thing he got and gives it to the girls. June doesn’t want to go and Cristabel tries to cheer her up saying guys were checking her out, but June knows they just wanna get to her. June knows she’s just the gate to Cristabel. Cristabel tries to say that this is an “earth suit” that the soul uses before going off. Not only can’t Paris act, but it’s like she is trying to make herself look like some enlightened being. Cristabel is with Nate and she thinks she is a bad friend to her. Cristabel says she’s becoming attracted to Nate and she said she thought of him over the years. Nate comes clean about the spa treatment and actually feels sorry for June now.
Cole is strapped into a chair and Arno and Nate are practicing some shock treatment with him when he looks at hot people. When he looks at June they don’t shock him, and feed him cream cause that is what he wants. Yeah I don’t get it either. Arno shocks him randomly. They try to hypotise him and Cole passes out. They say when he sees June he is going to see some hot Star Trek lady. When they say “I love midget mimes” he’ll snap out of it. Nate snaps his fingers and Arno passes out. Cole wakes up and sees the picture of June, and thinks she is hot.
Cristabel and June head outside from the spa treatment place and Nate is waiting for them with Cole. They are at a funfair having ice cream and Cole is in love with June. She talks about all the treatment things they are giving her for her ugliness. Cole freaks out thinking she is the Star Trek actress, and Nate just says it’s an awesome complement. He licks the ice cream off her mole. Nate takes Cristabel away from the two and Nate panics when he sees a midget mime. A little girl says she loves midget mimes and Cole snaps out of it. …I don’t know how many words I could use to say how absolutely pathetic that scene was. Nate tells the two Cole is afraid of midgets as he runs off.
Now that I think about it, the actor who plays Nate is just as bad as Paris Hitlon. I mean, he has the same facial expressions in every scene no matter how he is feeling. I think they did this to male Paris look like a better actor (and it didn't work either).
The three go to watch the mime act and it picks June up on the stage. It draws her head on a horse’s body, and some guy comes out and belts the mime as Nate goes in. He’s Johann and he is handsome. They have dinner at his place. He is single and upset about it. He went to Harvard, became a marine, he is a dentist and also does modeling. Way to make someone absolutely perfect. Now he is flirting with Cristabel and Nate wants June to start asking Johann out. June tells Johann he is a spiritual trainer. Johann asks June about her teeth and makes her feel better.
He tells Arno about how screwed he is but he doesn’t know who Johann is interested in. Arno says he’s screwed and that he should overshadow Johann. He says he should not let him get his shirt off, if he does poke her eyes, and then says he should lie. Yeah, poke the eyes of the girl you want because that’s a good way to get her. The guys go for a stroll and June is all tired out. Nate drags her along and tells them to stop. Her teeth have become fixed up slightly and her skin’s clearing up. Johann is a pilot as well. He asks if Nate flies and he says that he is. He says he can do flips and everything. He says he takes poor children up with him but he doesn’t have a license. Johann says that’s screwed up, but Nate says it was just a dream he has. Cristabel thinks it’s awesome and Johann says he gets that every night. Johann says he is hot and he is going to take off his shirt but Nate tackles him, saying there’s a scorpion. UGH! This movie SUCKS!!!
Nate calls Arno and says he needs to figure out a way to impress people. While Arno taking a dump on the toilet (I’m serious) Nate thinks up of a way to impress Cristabel. The four go to a bar and Nate pulls out his guitar. Johann asks for it and takes it from him, and proceeds to start singing awesomely. Everyone in the bar loves is, especially Cristabel. Everyone applauds Johann when he finishes and he hands the guitar back to Nate, who is uberly pissed off. They go to a nightclub and Nate talks with June. She is getting hair treatment done because she was going bald. Johann takes Cristabel out onto the floor and Nate’s upset. He mucks around with June and she has fun with him. They start dancing together and they look at one another. Oh no, I know what’s happening here!
Nate and June watch Johann and Cristabel dancing and Johann starts showing off his abs. This guy is a total tool for the Harvard graduate / denist / marine / pilot / model / singer that he is. June tells Nate to back off but Nate ignores her and runs at him. Nate dives at Johann, who ducks and Nate ends up tackling down Cristabel. Nate and Cristabel are outside and she tells him that she’s never met anyone so jealous before. Nate just tells her to go for Johann because he is so perfect. Cristabel says she was with Nate but changes her mind about him. She says he is shit at everything he does and says she isn’t in his league. She dumps him. A bouncer arrives with his car that still has the “loser” name sprayed on it. Wow Cristabel is a huge BITCH! I think she’s bipolar or something because I’ve never seen anyone have so many mood swings like that before.
Three weeks pass and Nate is at Arno’s house eating food. Arno thinks he is a sad man. He walks up to him and slaps him in the face. He tells him not to give up and to go for Cristabel. He sets him up with someone at the café to help him out. He heads there and waits for this person Arno organised to meet with him. It’s June and she is HOT now. Nate can’t believe it. Yeah it’s good to see you’re finally paying more attention to her now you swallow prick. She’s happy that someone made sexually remarks at her for the first time. I didn’t know girls could like a bit of sexual harassment. They joke around and stroll down the beach. Nate says he is happy for her. He says hi to Cristabel’s stalkers.
They go back to her place and they’re eating. He asks about her and Johann and she doesn’t know how he is. June talks down about herself but Nate cheers her up. He asks if going after Cristabel is pointless. June says no but she doesn’t sound convincing. She says she is going to give her another chance and tells him to be himself a costume party they are having soon. June says no one will go with the girl who hasn’t be kissed yet. Nate and her argues in a joking way, and he kisses her. They’re both in shock. He says he didn’t know why he done that, and she gets upset. She tells him to leave. So she is upset that she finally got a kiss? Maybe June is more bipolar than Cristabel.
At the costume party Nate comes as Speed Racer. Johann comes up to him and kisses June. June tells him that she spoke to Cristabel. Cristabel’s drunk, and Paris Hilton STILL can’t act for SHIT. Cristabel tells Nate that June told her that he was only being protective of her. Cristabel spills red wine on her bridal dress and starts crying. She tries to get it out with white wine… I don’t know why Paris thinks she can break into acting. Hell I don’t know why anyone would think she even could be a good actress. June drags Cristabel off. Nate sits at the bar and Johann is cooking some food that’s awesome. Wow he is a chef now. Johann says when he puts his mind to anything he can get anything he wants. Johann tells Nate he basically transformed June so he can bang her.
Cristabel decided to come to a dress-up party as Paris Hilton, spoiled billionaire brat. The apple does not fall far from the tree, young grasshopper.
…Johann decides to pick June over Cristabel to bang when he first met her. Johann decides to turn the ugly chick into something hot so he can bone her, when he could have just boned the stunning hot girl instead who needs no adjustments. Not only does this movie suck more than what I thought it does, it has NOW stolen the plot from She’s All That. Let’s get back to the movie…
Nate gets pissed off about what he heard and lunges at Johann, who is now an UFC fighter and he proceeds to kick his ass. June’s outside with Nate getting upset because tonight she was going to get laid finally. Wow don’t say “You embarrassed me” or “You ruined my party” just tell a guy “You just f**ked up my chances of getting laid. Thanks asshole.” Nate tells June that Johann doesn’t love her and June starts crying about a bunch of stuff. Nate says she deserves better. She thinks no one will ever love her because of who she was. Nate’s with Cristabel and she thinks he is being over protective of June. She says she’ll screw him and says that she was just testing him by acting drunk and farting all night. She talks about loving people for their flaws. There’s the Paris Hilton enlightened bullshit again.
June’s with Johann drinking wine at his place. Cristabel takes Nate to her closet to pick out a slutty dress. Cristabel tells Nate to go get some candles from June’s room to light them up. June and Johann start making out and he starts using lame flirting lines. June stops to drink more wine. She’s nervous about being having sex for the first time and looks like she doesn’t want to go through with it. Nate goes to June’s room and finds the heart he made Cristabel in Grade 1 but June’s name is placed over it. He ended up giving it to her instead of Cristabel that day many years ago. Aww… Nate’s more of a loser than what I thought he was.
Johann’s with June and she’s thinking about something. Cristabel is in her slut gear and she’s looking HOT! For some reason, her boobs look HUGE! It’s like half way through the movie Paris decided to get a boob job or something. Nate tells her to put her robe back on and Cristabel says that’s the first time someone’s told her that. Now she is acting like a slut again! See what did I tell you, BIPOLAR!!! Nate asks Cristabel why she picked him over any other guy. She says it’s fate. She talks about when Nate bumped into her at the beach, but Nate says he followed her around. He says he thinks it’s a mistake and says he wants June. Cristabel tells him to go get June and she is happy for her.
Nate rushes over to Johann’s house and knocks on the door. Johann opens it and she isn’t there. Nate’s happy and runs off. He runs to the pier and finds her sitting on the chair. He confesses his love for her. She’s crying and he makes her laugh. She’s upset because she finally found someone. They kiss and the movie ends.
And thank GOD it did because I was REALLY starting to get more pissed off than usual. I’ve seen my fair share of bad movies and I knew this was going to be terrible, but I didn’t think it would be THAT terrible. From Paris Hilton’s bad acting to the stolen movie ideas, this was a total disaster. I’ll save my ranting for my Final Thoughts Bucket Heads. Until then I really do hope that Paris Hilton isn’t in the middle of making another movie. The last thing I want to do on this world is to watch another one of her flops.
Until my new post, take it easy Bucket Heads!
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Comment by Damo
I would have to wash my eyes if I say this.
This movie has had the worst reviews ever. Too bad for video release.
And you sat through the whole thing.
You are a better man than I Gunga Din.
Comment by Wayne F
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