The Core - Part 5
January 11th 2008 01:54
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Planning to go on a trip to save the world? Don't forget to read up on our handful guide to surviving such a dangerous journey.
If you ever have to journey to the center of the earth in order to restart the core here are some tips on how to survive. You might call me crazy now but you’ll be thanking me and showering me with lots of money and gold after listening to this crazy person’s advice. So the Bucket presents to you:
HOW TO SURVIVE A TRIP TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!!!
Rule #1: Don’t volunteer to save the planet.
This has to be the most obvious rule. If someone asks you to help the earth don’t go. If you’re just an ordinary university professor and the government comes to you for help you’re better off telling them to find someone better. They are probably more people out there who are not only better, but won’t be crying over the lose of a friend.
Rule #2: Don’t go with friends or loved ones.
If you are going on a mission to save the earth and you find out that your best friend or loved one is going with it, you MUST not go. I cannot stress this point enough. If they are in a situation where they are going to die and you want to help them no matter the cost, you could possibility ruin the entire mission and be the person responsible for the world ending. There is a cost for helping someone you love, the cost of six billion people! If your friend or loved one wants to do something stupid and get themselves killed let them be, you’re not the idiot that stumbled around a room that was going to be sealed off in five minutes AFTER you were given the warning before hand.
Rule #3: Never give an inspirational speech.
If you are giving a talk to someone that you care about or are trying to calm someone down with an inspirational speech on how that person will be leading future missions, you will most likely end up dead. For example Commander Iverson aka Numero Uno gave an inspiring speech to Rebecca Childs aka Corporal Bitch about how she would one day have to make her own decisions and lead a team into the unknown. About five minutes later he died. Next time you are about to calm someone down don’t it could lead to your own demise.
Rule #4: If you see gigantic floating rocks, get the hell back inside the ship.
I cannot stress this point out enough Bucket Heads. If you are standing in the middle of the earth and there are huge rocks floating around the place do NOT just stand around and look at them. If you do you will end up dead just like Commander Iverson was. He was stupid enough to stop and look around the place and his head became flatter than an anorexic chick’s chest. Yes, that was a bit harsh but I had nothing better to compare one’s flattened head with at the time.
Rule #5: Do not talk about your family, EVER.
NEVER EVER MENTION YOUR FAMILY!!! This must be the key point in surviving a dangerous journey. Don’t mention your wife’s name, if you have any children, don’t even mention a girl you’ve been going out with for years and your dreams to marry her when you get back and start up a family. Don’t even show any photos of any loved ones and you will survive. If you mention your family you will most likely die. Serge Leveque aka Le Frog mentions his wife, his kids, shows photos of them and on the day that he died, he randomly blurted out that it was his daughter’s birthday. Happy birthday little girl, your dad has been crushed like a little dog getting run over by a steam roller. So remember don’t mention your loved ones and you will live to see them when you get back from your mission.
Rule #6: Don’t volunteer for life-risking tasks.
You should never put your hand up to do something that increases the chances of you dying by 99.99%. Sure there is that slim chance of you living but who the hell has managed to live when they have to do something in conditions that will kill a person within a second of them entering the dangerous place. This is how Dr. BAZZA dies aka Token. He decided to go out in over 9000 degree temperature and risk his life to start the ship up or power the engines or something. Did he die? Yes, he melted up like a block of ice. That will teach him to go out and do something so stupid. And speaking of stupid:
Rule #7: Don’t rig a life-risking task so that you lose.
By lose I mean be that unlucky idiot that has to go out and kill yourself so the others can live. Sure it might be part of saving the planet but do you want to see the planet alive or dead after you’ve saved it? Rig the straw-picking or card-picking or pin the tail on the donkey game so that you win and will be safe. Now that I think about it, if there’s someone on the ship that you don’t like this is a good chance for you to rig it so they will die instead.
Rule #8: Don’t suggest to turn around and go home.
Whoever complains about the mission failing and demands that the team turn back usually ends up dead. Let’s look at Dr. Zimsky for example aka Dr. Asshole. When the mission appeared to be over he went crazy. The government had a back up plan incase the mission screwed up and they were going to do it, but our brave idiots on this ship decided to push on ahead and try to start the core themselves. Everyone was cool with it but one person, Dr. Asshole. What happened when he suggested going home? The team continued on and he ended up dying. See what I mean? Now onto our final rule for surviving a trip to the center of the earth.
Rule #9: Don’t help ANYONE but yourself.
If someone is in trouble just leave them the hell alone and let them die. When someone attempts to rescue someone else it normally results in the rescuer being the dead guy / dead woman / dead shemale. Even if you were the person who got rescued then had to help the person who rescued you just let them die. Look at what happened between Zimsky and Josh Keyes aka Dr. MMWHABAHF. Zimsky saved Keyes’ life by lifting up a heavy bomb from him only to have the bomb pin himself down. Did Keyes help? No he just left poor Zimsky to die. Yes, Zimsky told Keyes to get the hell out of the room before the session of the ship was deteached and the bomb triggered to go off, but that’s not my point. Help no one out to live and you shall help yourself to live.
Nine simple rules people and if you follow these rules no doubt that you will be able to survive a journey to the center of the earth or a journey to outer space or any journey that involves saving the planet. That’s our final section on this crapfest of a movie so come back tomorrow and I’ll put this bad movie back into the Bucket.
Not only will you be alive if you follow these rules but you’ll also be able to predict who is going to die in any disaster movie.
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