Bucket Movies Presents: Shoot 'Em Up!
April 5th 2009 23:58
Clive Owen in just one of the ten thousand scenes where he's running around shooting at everything that moves!
If there’s one thing I love in a movie it’s violence. Yes there is nothing more I enjoy than watching someone take a machinegun to a group of fifty men who are all fighting back at him. There’s nothing I love better to watch than seeing two guys beat the crap out of someone another with baseball bats or chains or whatever they can get their hands on. There are some movies I love watching where the plot is very simple and basic, and the whole point of the movie is to sit back and enjoy the carnage!
Talking about this makes me wanna KILL SOMEONE!!! Ok… I was joking about that but seeing those movies pumps me up! I like watching them, like those old school action movies from the late 80s / early 90s. Those were awesome. A lot of movies these days though try to do the same thing – some get it right but a lot fail. I don’t know what it is, or how hard it is to screw up an action movie, but a lot of movies fail. Sometimes, a movie comes along and you just think to yourself “Ugh… wha?”
Enter Shoot ‘Em Up.
I have never watched an action movie were I had to pause it, rewind it and replay the scene again. No I wasn’t in shock about how awesome the scene was… I was in shock as to how overly bullshit the scene was. I should note know that this movie is meant to be one of those stupid movies that’s MEANT to be a bad movie were everything that happens in this movie is bad on purpose… I f***ing HATE those movies! Regardless, I didn’t know this until I researched the movie afterwards and even still, I thought it was a dumb movie.
How bad can a bad action movie that’s actually designed to be a bad movie be? Let’s find my bloody Bucket Heads!
Hertz - he's like Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote only he carries a big gun with him.
We start off with a street bum called Smith eating a carrot as he waits for a bus. A crying pregnant woman runs past being followed by a car in a car. Smith sits back and watches on as the guy follows the pregnant woman into an alley. Smith gets pissed off knowing he has to save her now. The woman’s inside a warehouse lying down with her back on the floor. She shoots at her chaser and misses. The guy is going to stab her, but Smith comes in, jams the carrot into his mouth and pushes it through the back of his head saying “Eat your vegetables”.
Did you just groan as well? Oh don’t worry Bucket Heads, you have no idea of the events that are about to unfold…
Tons of men come and Smith grabs a gun. A big shootout happens and the pregnant woman makes a run for it. Smith shoots an oil barrel and slides across the warehouse on his back, shooting everyone with perfect aim. While the gunfight is going on, he helps the woman deliver the baby – in the middle of killing everyone. He starts bitches about people having ponytails, and then shoots it off the guy’s head (and the back of his head as well). The baby is born and he shoots the umbilical cord off. A guy called Hertz arrives and starts shooting. Smith’s gun jams, so he takes the woman out of the area. The baby is crying so he rips her top and feeds the baby. Hertz is following the trial of blood. Smith gets the jump on him and they talk. Hertz recites poetry and more of his goons arrive. Hertz has a gun that only fires with registered fingerprints.
Smith makes a run for it. He grabs the woman and takes off. He asks the woman who she is and she’s been hit in the head. Smith grabs the baby and makes a run for it. He runs across a roof as everyone starts at him through a huge neon light sign. Smith kills some of them and shoots out a bunch of the letters so it says “FUK U”. He jumps across the roof into an apartment. Hertz shoots out the N in “TOON” on the sign. FUK U TOO!!! GET IT!?
Hertz grabs the dead woman. He is pissed off at his men and he kicks a guy who got shot in his ass. He talks about Smith screwing everyone up. He sits the guy down at the boot of the car and shoots him in the other cheek. Smith carries the baby around through a city and everyone looks at him weird. Some guy is watching him from the distance. He goes to a toilet and enters a stool. He looks at the entrance and eats a carrot, drops his gun in the toilet. He cleans it off and pulls it apart just in time as the guy arrives. The guy has a gun as well. Smith’s gun is jammed and the guy runs in shooting. Smith hits the lights, beats the guy up and puts his hand under a dryer to make him drop the gun. The guy has a knife and they wrestle. Smith dries off the gun and shoots at the guy causing him to drop the knife. Smith gets the baby and takes off.
Smith’s in a bus and the baby’s crying. Smith takes off his sock and puts it on the baby’s head to keep him warm. Hertz is on the phone with his wife and he talks a bunch of shit. He gets a call saying they found Smith. Smith walks through the park with parents playing with their kids. Smith places the baby down on a rotating thing and leaves him for someone to get him. A woman walks up to the baby and Hertz snipes her. Smith shoots at the spinning wheel rails and makes it spin around so Hertz can’t kill the baby. Smith grabs it and takes off. Boy just when you thought this movie couldn’t get anymore stupid, it keeps on surprising you doesn’t it?
Don't be fool Smith isn't holding a carrot, he is holding a weapon of mass destruction.
Smith heads towards a church, eating a carrot and carrying the kid in a paper bag. I’m glad my parents never did anything like that to me. It’s not a church it’s a whore house. He visits a hot whore called Donna who is getting the milk in her breasts drank by some guy. Smith throws him out and talks to Donna. Smith shows her the baby. He wants to pay her to look after the baby. She doesn’t want to. She breastfeeds the kid, but changes her mind and doesn’t want to. Smith leaves.
Hertz’ men are burying someone. He is looking at the baby’s mum’s corpse and starts feeling up her tits? I guess he does more than see dead people. Get it? See dead body… yeah it’s just as bad as the action I know but I’m trying to make it work! Hertz smells the breast milk and tells his men to find some whores who produce milk from their breasts? That’s a pretty damn good guess. They go to Donna and she knocks the cup of coffee out of his hands onto his pants. He laughs. They talk about Smith. She gives him Smith’s name and he thinks she is lying. He starts shooting up the baby bottles and uses the heat of the gun’s tip to burn her legs. Smith points a gun at him while eating his carrot.
They both say they are out of bullets. Hertz reminds Smith about the fingerprints on the guns, so Smith uses the hand of a goon he killed to shoot Hertz. Smith says “Nothing like a good hand job.” I say “Jesus f***ing Christ I could use a brick to my head right now”. Smith gets the baby and Donna’s crying. He takes Donna with him. It’s night and she’s pissed off at him. Smith gets pissed off when he sees some asshole in a BMW park in a handicap spot, so he steals it. Hertz is alive, (bulletproof vest), and his wife calls. He says he is going to be delayed.
Smith’s pissed off at some guy cutting off traffic. Smith tells Donna about what happened. He is still pissed off at the guy driving. The guy throws paper out the window so he side swipes the guy. Hertz is on the phone with someone talking about recruiting tons of men. He sees the broken class on the ground and figures out Smith took the car. This guy is like all the CSI agents, all of the Law & Order detectives, Colombo and Jessica Jessica Fletcher rolled into one. Smith’s at a pawn shop buying tons of guns. He’s short on cash for the stuff he wants and Donna walks out. Smith’s trying to cut a deal with the woman and says he’ll buy the other half in a few days.
He looks up and Donna’s gone. She is giving a blow job to some guy for stuff for the baby. They buy a bulletproof vest for that kid. Smith takes Donna to his home under a bridge. He grabs a rat from some place, takes out a brick and sticks it in. The rat crawls through it, lands on a basket and it opens the door. Hertz’s man says he got together 50 people. Hertz sees the smashed BMW on the side. He says he knows everything and what people are doing. I’m glad someone knows what’s going on in this movie because right now I’ve got no clue at all.
Oh Monica Bellucci - how I <3 U 
Smith and Donna are talking about why the kid is trying to be killed. Donna’s pissed off at Smith, who is growing tons of carrots in his house. Hertz finds Smith’s hideout. Smith is changing the baby’s diaper and they call him Oliver. Hertz is at the bottom of the stairs with his men trying to pick a card out for his 8 year old son. He goes with a hot model card. Smith’s flicking through the TV. Someone’s talking about gun control on the TV, and the baby starts crying. They put on hardcore heavy metal, and the baby stops crying. Hertz fills out the card and tells people they better kill Smith.
They run at Smith and everyone starts shooting. Donna goes down a laundry shoot. Smith runs through killing everyone. He runs out of bullets. He slides through a conveyer belt, grabs a gun and starts shooting again. He shoots at a drawer; it opens and knocks out a guy. The baby laughs. Smith flips a table over and uses it as cover as it rolls over. He jumps down the stairwell using a cable someone dropped through the roof. He shoots EVERYONE running up the stairs as he falls down to the ground. He fires at Hertz, who shoots the cable and Smith lands on top of a dead guy. The baby cries and Donna helps Smith up. Hertz is pissed off.
Smith and Donna hide in an alley and Hertz comes with a dog. Donna tells Smith to shoot the dog and Smith won’t because he likes dogs. They let the dog go and it just found a rat. Hertz picks it up and stuffs the diaper in one of his goon’s face. Smith thinks the baby’s mother lived near a rock metal club because the baby likes it. They find a club where the mother lived at. The owner of the place comes out and Donna grabs his balls. She rips off his dick piercing for information. He takes them to the top floor. Smith and Donna go inside and find a lot of dead people. He sees a photo of the baby’s mother with other pregnant women, and eats a carrot.
Smith walks through and sees the guy in the suit he encountered in the toilet. Smith and Donna look around as more agents enter. They find a huge sperm/cell bank from one donor. Smith thinks they are trying to harvest bone marrow for someone. One agent hears Smith and Donna talking about it. The agent walks in and Smith comes out and sticks a carrot in his eye… these have to be the most dangerous carrots I’ve ever seen. Smith’s calls everyone from TV networks to FBI about the situation. Donna put the baby to sleep and says Smith hates everyone. Donna gets teary because Smith never asked him about her own kid and what happened to it. She says it was her fault and goes to the bathroom. I’m really confused right now and I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore.
Donna says she thinks Smith hates himself. Smith asks her about her baby. Someone hit her in the stomach and the baby was a stillborn. Smith grabs her and Donna cries. The baby starts crying and Smith shows the gun to the baby, who likes it. Donna watches Smith talk to the baby. She asks if he is hungry as she is eating baby food with her fingers. The two start going at it. While they are the baby starts crying. People come into the room shooting, so Smith shoots back at them. Oh by the way, I should point out he has Donna wrapped around him and they are still going at it while this is going on. It’s as bad as it says trust me. Smith sees they all have guns that aren’t meant to be out for a while.
Hertz is getting annoyed and is trying to hold in his angry about all the screw ups going on. He says he is going to report in about who Smith is. Smith’s with Donna in some army museum. He says he is going to hide Donna and the baby inside a tank until he deals with everything. He gives her the gun like a wedding ring… how romantic. He grabs some woman who is hitting her kid, and starts spanking her. He creates a distraction so that Donna can get inside the tank.
You know I realised something after seeing these photos: Clive Owen's face never changes... EVER!
Smith goes to the Hammerson factory that makes guns and Hertz is there talking to the boss. He talks to Hammserson about someone who was a gunsmith who had an awesome shooter kid – implying this is Smith. His boss thinks he is nuts. Smith beats up a security guard and starts taking some guns while Hammerson is talking to Hertz about random crap. Smith is setting up guns around the place. Donna’s with Oliver saying daddy will be back soon. Everyone starts shooting at Smith. Hertz promises to not to kill him if he gives up the kid. He says no. Hertz talks about Smith and how his son and wife were killed. Someone walked into a burger shop and a guy shoot up the place. People are sneaking around and Hertz wants Smith to tell him a story.
Smith jumps out and shoots the guys sneaking up on him. He starts running around the warehouse pulling on all the strings attached to guns and everything around the place. Everyone’s getting shot up and killed. He set all of this stuff up and no one noticed this as all? Smith turns to talk shit to the security guard he caught. Someone sneaks up on him and tells him to drop the gun. He drops it on a string, that fires off a gun and it kills the guard. Hammerson asks Hertz if they got him, but they hear Smith eating a carrot. He wedges it into a trigger and throws the gun at them. Smith runs through the warehouse shooting up everything. Hertz is pissed off yet again.
Smith tells Donna everything that is going on. He finds a newspaper of some senator going for president who wants to ban guns. He figures out it was him who needs the baby for the bone marrow, and that Hertz is trying to kill the babies so he won’t get it. I see… someone want to explain that to me please? Smith sends Donna and the baby to some hippy green bus and if he doesn’t come back before they leave, to leave without him.
Smith and Donna walk and Hertz’ men go after him again. Donna runs off while Smith gets the baby and jumps through a car roof. He steals another BMW as the van crashes him. Smith’s gun gets shot out of his hand. Baby starts crying. Smith slams the breaks, opens his door and the guy gets hit. He drops his run on the road, so Smith picks it up and shoots at the van. Smith gets his gun with a carrot but gets slammed by another van. The car rolls and the baby’s been dropped on the road. Smith turns around after him and speeds to it as the van comes towards him. He goes to get the baby but misses it. Everyone’s firing at him. Smith shoots out the windscreen, slams into the van and goes flying into their van. He shoots them all up as Hertz comes. He runs over the baby, but it’s a robot baby! That was a relief! Hertz is pissed off as Donna goes back to the tank to get the real baby.
Smith calls up the agent and he says he wants to meet the Senator. The agent says he wants to meet him as well and they agree to go to an airport. They meet up in a toilet. The agent takes Smith on a plane and apologises to him. The Senator is sick. They fly up and the Senator’s impressed by how smart he is. Smith sees dog hairs on the Senator’s pants. He grabs him and figures out the Senator cut a deal with Hertz and Hammerson, from dog hair? Apparently Hammerson has a dog. Hertz and Hammerson are on the plane as well. Smith has the Senator hostage. Smith’s pissed off and takes the Senator to the bottom of the plane.
Carrots: they can help improve your vision in the dark and help you pull the trigger on your gun should all your fingers be broken.
Smith ties up the Senator to the ladder with his tubes and says the gun bill can be past if he kills him – which he does. Hertz is pissed off. Smith jumps out of the plane with a parachute and everyone is shooting at him. He runs out of bullets, so he grabs onto another dude and starts shooting everyone. Someone hits Smith in the arm. The agent goes after Smith. Smith pulls his parachute, grabs the agent and pushes him away. He gets diced up by a helicopter. Smith walks around through the area of dead bodies, enters a warehouse and passes out.
Hertz has Smith on the ground and his wife calls. He hangs up as Donna heads for the green bus. She looks around for Smith. Smith’s taken to Hammerson’s house. They break his index finger, then his middle finger. Hertz is being paid by the government to cover up everything. He says the Senator’s plane crashed into a river and they can’t find him. They break Smith’s thumb. Hertz says Smith sold the guns to the guy who shot up the place his wife and son where in! Oh my! What a totally pointless twist to this totally pointless movie! Donna gets on the bus and it takes off. Smith refuses to tell them where the baby is so Hertz gets a scalpel.
Smith headbutts the scalpel and knocks out Hertz. He rips the scalpel out of his head, and stabs the goons in their eyes. Someone comes out so Smith stabs himself in the hand, hits the other guy in the face and removes his hand from the tool. Smith turns around and sprays blood on Hammerson’s face. He uses his own gun on him to kill him. Hammerson’s dog comes up to him and licks the blood. Hertz gets up as Smith hobbles along. Smith can’t shoot the gun because of his broken fingers and Hertz laughs at him.
Smith walks off and drops on front of a fire place. Hertz comes out and he’s talking shit to him. Smith makes him repeat something he said and makes him stop when he says “I am dead”. Smith has bullets in between his fingers and holds them up in front of the fireplace. They heat and shoot into Hertz. The bullets heat up and fire into Hertz… amazing. Smith crawls up to him and gets his gun. His phone rings and it’s his wife. He kicks the phone to him and the wife says she is leaving him. Hertz gets up and both are too weak to shoot. They raise their guns and Smith shoots him. He says he hates pussies who have guns in their hands
Smith walks out of the house and the dog follows him. Smith’s waiting for the Green bus and he gets on board. His hands are all bandaged up. The bus stops at a diner. He hears Donna talking to the baby, who is working at the diner. She drops the desserts she was bringing out and begin kissing. Some fat guy drinking a milkshake watches on. Three guys come to rob the place. Smith kicks a gun out of one guy’s hand, and uses a carrot to help him shoot. He drops a guy on the ground, shots his arm, which points at another guy. Smith shoots the hand of that arm, that shoots the gun the robber’s hand and it hits another dude. That guy drops his gun, and it shoots the fat man’s milkshake. Donna comes up to him in a state of panic. One of the guys tries to shot Smith, but he shoots him, ending this terrible movie.
Confused? Dumbfounded? Slightly horny? If you’re all three of those, I’d be questioning your mental health but whatever floats your boat, right Bucket Heads? Here’s some advice if you were left wondering what the hell this movie is about – go drink yourself stupid until you don’t remember anything. It works all the time for me! Oh how I am going to enjoying crucifying this pile of garbage soon. Until then, take it easy Bucket Head and remember: carrots are good for helping you see in the dark and are deadly weapons too!
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Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Comment by Damo
What is with the lactating women prostitution thing?
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Completely mindless garbage - without question one of the worst movies ever made. I've never been so embarressed for actors in my life, especially Belluci and the godawful Giamatti. Avoid like the plague, it's absolutely utter excrement!
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Should you watch this movie to see how bad it is, please heed the same warning I gave Bryn previously.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Natural Born Killers is the best satire ever made on the media. What angle were you watching it from man?
Go back and watch it again without your natural born prejudices.
Comment by Michelle Sweeney
Competition Queen
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
The thing is, bad movies are only popular for their terribleness when they're not trying to be bad
Comment by Heather Gorby
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
I guess I shouldn't be bashing your friend when I'm the one who picked The Love Guru to watch on my birthday... I know, I'm a bad person