Shoot Em Up - Final Thoughts
April 10th 2009 02:48
Category: S
To View The Full Synopsis Of This Movie, Click This Link!
Shoot Em Up has the honour in taking the championship for the most pointless action movie of all time, stealing it from follow Bucket Movie - Ballistic: Ecks vs. Severe. The scenes were over-exaggerated but that’s ok Bucket Heads – this movie was “designed for be a bad, over-the-top action movie”! Let’s take a closer look.
The Breakdown.
The first sign of badness is when Smith pushes a carrot through the back of the head of Dead Guy #1. Accompanied by the bad line “Eat Your Vegetables” and you know you’re going to be in one hell of a bad movie. Ok, so the idea of this movie is to be a stupid action-comedy movie of some sorts but come on, there’s better ways of doing something like that.
Smith delivers a healthy baby boy whose mother is killed in the middle of a big gunfight. Pretty dumb that every bullet misses the three who are stationary for most of the time. Smith takes off with the baby leaving Hertz all pissed off. I have to point out the lame scene where Smith shoots out the letters in the sign leaving a “FUK U” message to Hertz, who replies back with “FUK U TOO” by shooting out another letter. Very lame indeed. Smith encounters a CIA agent who attacks him in a toilet. Not only does Smith use the hand dryer to burn his enemy’s hand, but he uses it to dry off his wet gun so he can use it. This dryer must be blowing out desert-like hot winds for it to be that effective.
The scenes keep on getting worse when Smith begins firing at a spinning piece of play equipment so Hertz can’t snipe at the baby. Not only does the baby live, it doesn’t suffer any brain damage nor does it fall off or move from its position. Smith wants a whore called Donna to feed the baby, which isn’t a smart move since she’ll most likely have AIDS or HIV for being a dirty whore. After grabbing the tit of the dead mother, Hertz somehow manages to figure out Smith has taken the baby to a brothel that specializes in breastfeeding fetishes. Again I know it’s meant to be unrealistic, but this guy HAS to be a psychic to get a random guess like that correct.
Smith runs off a guy on the road because it pisses him off. I’m glad I wasn’t the asshole doing the driving that day. It was pretty stupid to add this in since it didn’t to anything to the storyline… oh wait there hasn’t been any storyline developed yet. Hertz once again manages to figure out not only did Smith steal a car, he tracks him down to his home underneath a bridge. Donna gives a guy a blow job behind the dumpster so she can buy the baby bullet proof jacket for it. Smith’s at his place where he is growing tons of carrots which he eats throughout the entire movie. Why carrots? It’s probably the most dangerous weapon the movie’s director thought of. Hertz’ men arrive but all 100 of them get killed by Smith amazing shots.
Smith is just as psychic as Hertz in managing to figure out where the baby’s mother was living all this time. He figures this out by discovering the baby is soothed by heavy metal rock. It appears that the mother was one of many people being used to harvest bone marrow for a sick person. Now it’s probably just over half way into the movie, and we’re starting to see some type of storyline develop. However it’s confusing and makes no sense at all right now, just like the first half of this movie. We then get a random scene where Donna starts crying about her miscarriage and that Smith doesn’t give a shit about her feelings. Smith didn’t know about her miscarriage and only knew this now because of the random outburst. Follow this up by Donna giving him the “You hate the world because you hate yourself” speech and then we have a sex scene. Don’t worry, this movie isn’t normal and even the sex scene was ruined by a lame shoot out – all this while Smith’s gun was still in Donna’s hostler.
Smith semi-marries Donna before suffering her and the baby inside a tank for protection. He tracks down gun manufacturer Hammerson who is pissed off Hertz hasn’t killed the baby yet. The plot thickens! Well… if there was one at least. While Hammerson and Hertz talk, Smith runs around the entire warehouse that’s under heavy guard setting up guns attached to string to trigger them all off. Not only does everyone fail to notice this, they all get killed – save Hammerson and Hertz. We also find out Smith had a wife and son who died. Right now, Smith’s too much of a psychotic killer for anyone to give him any sympathy.
Smith returns to Donna and they figure out that a Senator who wants to be in tough gun control laws is the guy harvesting bone marrow. It turns out he is sick, despite it not being in any of their news stories. The figure Hertz is hired by Hammerson to kill the babies so the Senator dies and Hammerson can keep making millions! Get it? Me neither. Smith causes a big distraction towards Hertz so that Donna and the baby can escape the city on a hippy bus. A hippy bus? Well it’s the last place I’d look to be honest meaning this is the only part of the movie that’s made any sense so far.
Smith gets on a plane to meet up with the Senator, but it turns out he called a truce with Hammerson. In exchange for the baby the Senator was going to change his stance on gun control completely. Did the evil Senator tell us his evil plans? No Smith figured it out when he noticed Hammerson’s dog hair on him. Smith kills him and jumps out of the plane, only to be chased after by agents. Yup, a nice chase scene in midair. At this point I couldn’t think the movie would get anymore stupid, but how I was damn wrong.
Smith’s captured by Hertz and he has his fingers broken. This doesn’t stop our hero who uses the scalpel he headbutted to beat up everyone. Now it’s just Hertz and Smith for the final showdown, which isn’t anything special at all. It involves Smith laying next to a fireplace with bullets in between his fingers that “shoot” Hertz when they become hot. Picture it: a man holding up bullets to a fire that causes them to pop and shoot a man in the chest. I don’t give a crap what you say – that has stupid, unrealistic bullshit written all over it. I don’t know how anyone could have found any pleasure seeing that unless they were in the middle of making love under the shade of a coconut tree.
Thankfully the movie ends shortly after with yet another stupid shoot out. That’s it. No message or anything. Smith kisses Donna, he shoots someone - the end. A shitty ending to a shitty movie if I ever did see one.
Final Thoughts.
From start to finish Shoot ‘Em Up was nothing more than a pointless killing movie that fail to leave any exciting feeling in my body. Normally when I watch an action movie I’m left satisfied knowing I’ve just seen one kick-ass battle or several violent fights that were brutal in every way. Normally when I watch action movies, the action is at least 75% realistic. Shoot ‘Em Up’s action made Pamela Anderson’s breasts look 100% natural.
So let’s look at that one excuse everyone will say about this movie to defend it – “It was MEANT to be a bad movie!” If this was meant to be a bad movie why the hell make it to begin with? You know I really hate how there’s a little thing going on in Hollywood where it’s the aim of producers to blow money on “shit movies” just to see how bad of a movie that can make. They aren’t impressing anyone with the amount of garbage Hollywood’s been throwing up lately and this is a perfect example of it. The general idea of a bad movie being popular is due to the fact that the director/actors never attempted to make it bad in the first place- which is actually sad.
Another argument for this movie “being bad” was that it was meant to be an “action-comedy” movie. I’ve seen a lot of action-comedy movies in my life, and this was not one of them. It normally involves cool action, funny scenes and then a big payoff in the end. This movie was nothing but packed with action (bad action) and I didn’t find anything funny at all. There wasn’t a big payoff at the end of the movie, unless you want to count the fat guy drinking milkshakes at it then be my guest.
Ok, a lot of action movies out there don’t have much of a storyline I am aware of this. Most of them though do have the basic storyline, for example an ex-commando’s daughter gets kidnapped by a wannabe dictator’s army so he is forced to do as they tell him. Instead the ex-commando decides to take his knife and start murdering them all until he gets his daughter back. Perfect! We all know what’s going on right?
Did they do it with Shoot ‘Em Up? Of course not doing it would have been too logical. All I got was that some guy delivers a baby and runs around killing things. When they tried to introduce a storyline into the movie it was half way through given it absolutely no time for it to develop at all. It was basically rushed and the only way you would have known what was going on was if you were a psychic – just like 99% of the people in the movie were.
The cast were pretty boring as well. Clive Owen is his usual dull self. At first I thought he was just like that for his character in Sin City, the first time I saw him in a movie. After watching other movies I’ve realized the guy has the same facial expression for everything: happy, sad, mad, horny etc. The other actors were just as stupid, and uninteresting to watch.
I’m the type of guy who likes his action movies to be somewhat realistic with a good plot to set up the two hours of death and destruction that is to come. I wouldn’t even recommend this movie to people who just love seeing things die. Even those fans will think everything in this movie was WAY too farfetched and if that doesn’t impress them, the “storyline” will do nothing to satisfy them either. You can’t sit there and enjoy this movie without thinking “Wow… what a load of crap”. You might like this movie though if you actually do like stupid action movies with no plot and unrealistic scenes, but be warned they are terrible.
That’s all I have to say about this movie Bucket Heads. I hope Shoot ‘Em Up enjoys its date with Ballistic: Ecks vs. Severe. Who knows, after a few drinks the two can fool around while shooting up dozens of men. Until my next review, take it easy and have a safe weekend!
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Comment by Damo
You really and truly hated this movie more than I hate Christmas Albums. Even more than I hated Pans Labyrinth (oops I am in a minority there).
I am tempted to offend my eyes with it.
Comment by Wayne F
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Comment by Damo
It is a great movie if you like everything passing through the PC filter