Bucket Movies Presents: She's The Man
February 3rd 2009 23:18
Can this ill-mannered spoiled rich brat fool an entire community of rich snobs by pretending to be her brother? Apparently so!
Ah the good ol’ chick flick films - you’ve got to love them. If you’re a girl you can “relate” to the real issues that plague every teenage girl. If you’re a guy you can kick and scream all you want because your girlfriend is dragging you along; when deep down inside you want to check out those damn hot women. If you’re a pedophile you can relax knowing this is the closest thing to preteen porn you can watch without getting arrested for it.
I’m actually surprised to see that there are some pretty good ones out there. I remember once my sister was watching Mean Girls and it just started as I walked past the room. I said it looked stupid… and then found myself sitting down to watch it. Don’t worry Bucket Heads I didn’t succumb to the poison that chick flicks inject into innocent, gullible girls. I stand by my argument - which I will make now – that the majority of the chick flick / teenage movies out there SUCK!!!
You want to know what a really bad one is? She’s The Man. My sister is getting into the age where all she dreams about are the popstars on her posters, those dreamy Disney boys and pussy vampires – thank you very much Twilight. I asked her if she saw She’s The Man. She said yeah… and it sucked.
And she couldn’t be more right…
A girl dressed as a guy finds out she has a hot male roommate... can she hold it together before she makes her brother look gay!?
The movie starts off with a bunch of very hot girls playing beach volleyball in tiny bikinis. See what did I tell you; chick flicks are a pedophiles dream. After the game the chicks go to their boyfriends and start swapping saliva. Alright, I’ve had one pedophile joke I won’t add in another one… but it’s so tempting. Teen orgy? A chick called Viola is fooling around with her boyfriend Justin. They talk about a bunch of crap about him being a bad kisser but she taught him how to be a good one. Yeah, cause she got a lot of practice if ya know what I’m sayin’!
Viola and her soccer team head out to the school’s oval to practice but they find out the LaCrosse team has taken their position. Viola asks why and it turns out not enough girls signed up for a full team. They approach coach for the boy’s soccer team and Viola tells him to let them join their team. Justin, Viola’s boyfriend, is the goalie of the team and they all laugh at her. The give gives the “boys are better than girls” speech and even Justin gives Viola crap for it. She breaks up with him.
Viola goes home and a dumb blonde called Monique runs up to her thinking she is her brother Sebastian. Wow that’s a big insult… but I don’t know to whom exactly. Viola’s mother has a surprise for Viola and she pulls out a bunch of debutante dresses from the 1980s. Viola tells her that the girl’s soccer team was disbanded and her mum’s happy. She then finds out Viola broke up with her boyfriend Justin and she is horny for him now. Viola heads to her brother’s room and Sebastian is sneaking off to London, to pursue his dreams of becoming a rockstar… I don’t know how exactly that works. Sebastian tells Viola to cover for him while he is away and to pretend that she’s their mum to the new boarding school he is going to.
Now this is where the movie gets fun Bucket Heads! Put on your helmets and get ready for one crazy roller coaster ride… right into a pile of CRAP! Viola decides she is going to dress up as her brother so she can get on the team at his school! Her and her friends go to their gay hairstylist Paul and he gives he plays around with wigs and some facial hair. They all look stupid on her and she giggles at all of them – I think we’re meant to be laughing at this by the way. Viola practices her “man-walk” by copying men on the street. Again, this is meant to be funny. Viola tells her mother she is going to her father’s for a while – they’re divorced and never talk to one another – and that she is going to be practicing for the debutante ball with Monique.
Viola’s dressed up like a boy at Sebastian’s school. She freaks out thinking she can’t do this but Paul forces her to go out. She practices the man-voice, the man-strut and the man-spit. Everyone is looking at Viola like she is a moron. She walks through the male dormitory that’s full of jocks. She’s freaking out but makes it to her room. Inside are some guys and her hunky roommate Duke. Of course, she’s going to get horny for him and make her brother look gay! Viola starts acting all manly and drops a packet of tampons from her bag. She says they are for her nosebleeds and sticks one up her nose. Oh kill me now…
Viola gets ready for her soccer training to see if she’ll make the school’s team and training them is Coach Dinklage. Of course they get a British actor to play a soccer coach it only makes sense. Dinklage divides the teams into skins and shirts but Viola demands to be a shirt because she is allergic to the sun. She goes through the intense soccer training and is completely screwed. He ends up making her and a bunch of loser kids the benchwarmers. Viola heads to the showers and freaks out because her secret is going to be revealed – that or she’s going to get the same treatment a new piece of meat gets when he enters a prison. Luckily she is called into the Principle Gold’s office.
At least there's ONE normal, unrich and unattractive person in this movie. I'm talking about Viola dressed up like her brother. Principle Gold is a stallion!
While she is waiting for the principle, Viola tries to look for her brother’s file but quickly closes it as Gold walks in. She gets her sleeve caught in the file’s drawer! Oh this is going to be funny if Gold wants to get out the file of Sebastian! Gold does and he can’t open it up so Viola helps him and quickly gets her sleeve out. Gold just wanted to welcome Sebastian to the school and says he is going to keep an eye on her since she is a transfer. Viola leaves the office and bumps into a hot girl called Olivia. They fall on top of each other and Gold encourages them to bang? Wow. Viola almost blows her cover when she starts ranting on about Olivia’s shoes. Don’t you love stereotypes ladies?
Principle Gold also runs the school’s cafeteria. Viola sits with Duke and his friends. They start bagging Viola’s school and their rival soccer team. Viola bashes her ex-boyfriend Justin and the guys think it’s funny. She says he broke up with her sister – remember she is Sebastian – and they ask if Viola is hot. She says she is. They stop to check out Olivia and there’s a nerd called Malcolm who is trying hard to get her. Viola craps on about a bunch of crap on what a girl wants and the guys just leave her. And they don’t know she is a girl how?
Viola goes into an empty shower and she removes the padding that she uses to hide her breasts. Malcolm walks in and tells her off about wearing shoes in the shower. Duke walks in and tells Malcolm to beat it. Viola has a dream that she is playing soccer in her debutante dress. She is about to kick the winning goal of the game but her ex-boyfriend Justin stops her is in her way. Everyone laughs at her as she misses. The seniors grab Viola and all the juniors. The senior are going to initiate the juniors and get them to remove their clothes. Viola sneaks through everyone and sets off the fire alarm. Oh this sucks so much!
Viola calls Paul and says she can’t do this anymore. I agree because I can’t bare to watch this anymore. Paul says she is going to help out. She goes to a pizza place and sits with Duke and his friends. Paul gets a hot chick to approach Viola and make out he is awesome in the bed. Viola gets rid of her, as “another ex” approaches. They guys think he is cool now. Oh no, here comes Monique thinking Viola is Sebastian! I can smell awkward yet hilarious results! Monique catches Viola around the pizza place trying to talk to her, because she thinks she is Sebastian, but Viola tells her she is crazy and breaks up with her. Everyone now thinks Viola is awesome.
At science class Duke talks to Viola about wanting Olivia. They get placed with random lab partners and Viola gets Olivia while Duke gets some nerdy girl. Viola and Olivia talk and Olivia finds pages with songs written on them. See, Viola took her brother’s backpack from her room to make it look more legit. My question: if Sebastian went to London to pursue his dreams of becoming a rockstar, why would he leave his lyrics behind!? Anyway Olivia loves the songs and Malcolm tries singing to her.
Duke talks to Viola and he is jealous that she got Olivia for a partner. Duke wants Olivia badly and the two make a deal; Duke will teach Viola how to play soccer better if Viola gets Olivia to go out with Duke. Viola’s happy and has a shower in the middle of the night. The days go on and Duke helps her with her soccer skills. She enters the locker room and checks out the guys in there, making her brother look like a homosexual. Nice way to give your brother a bad image, bitch! One day she gets hit in the nuts by a soccer ball. She then remembers she has to act hurt – and I punch myself in the nuts because it’s more fun than sitting here watching this movie. Malcolm is opposed with Olivia and wants her bad.
Viola is talking to her actual brother Sebastian on the phone, and is adjusting her wig – outside in the middle of the day. Gold sees her doing it and when you think he knows what is going on – he actually thinks Viola is just going bald! How funny! Malcolm’s lost his pet spider and he is handing out flyers. Viola asks Olivia if she wants to go out with Duke, and she says no. Olivia thinks Viola is awesome – because she thinks that she is Sebastian. How can a girl not realize that it’s a girl dressed up as a guy!? Viola convinces Olivia to go out with Duke. Viola tells Duke about the news and Duke is scared about it because he has never been with a girl before.
Olivia wants Sebasitan, who is Viola who wants Duke, who wants Olivia but she wants Sebastian but she can't have him cause that's Viola and she wants Duke, who just wanted Viola a while ago but now wants Olivia, however she wants Sebastian who...
Oh give me a f***ing break! HE has never been with a woman before!? Someone as macho and handsome as he is!? Bullshit! He’s probably the biggest male slut in the school! Anyway Viola starts giving Duke some talking lessons. She puts on her normal voice for it and Duke gets freaked out – as I would as well. The two freak out when Malcolm’s pet spider is crawling on the floor. They jump up on the bed and start screaming. Viola gets a call from her mum about going to some club carnival. Everyone is going to be there, even Duke because his mother is part of the same club! I hate these perfect rich kids!
Olivia is working in the kissing booth pf the carnival. Monique is walking around and Viola, dressed as Sebastian, takes off. She runs to a toilet and gets dressed into her normal self. She meets her mum and she is told she’s up next for the kissing booth. As she is running off to get dressed into Sebastian – why I don’t know - she bumps into her ex-boyfriend Justin. She goes to a ride and gets dressed into her brother… without anyone looking at her!? There’s a little girl in the same ride as her so she’s confused. Monique sees Viola – as Sebastian - and runs after her. Paul and her friends block her off. Viola goes into a jumping castle, and changes back into her normal self.
Olivia gets replaced by Viola at the kissing booth just as Duke comes in. Duke’s annoyed he didn’t kiss Olivia but now he is nervous when he is going to kiss Viola. They lock lips and Justin arrives just in time to see them. See what I did there? Just in time… his name is Justin… ok I’ll stop. Justin and Duke brawl all over the place. Duke and Viola – now dressed as Sebastian – and they’re inside their dorm. Duke is using a tampon in his nostril for his nose bleed; because Viola said she uses them remember? They talk about Viola and Viola he should go out with her. Duke talks to Viola about women and it turns out Duke is one of those nice guys who doesn’t care about looks. Awww.
Insert another training scene with Duke and Viola but this time, Malcolm’s taking photos of the two from the distance. He thinks there is something weird going on with them. As Duke tells Viola – remember she’s dressed as Sebastian – he is thinking about going out with Viola, Coach Dinklage tells Viola she is on the team. Duke and Viola go to the gym, where Olivia is talking to her friend about how much she wants Sebastian. Her friend tells her to make him jealous, so she comes over to flirt with Duke, who acts like a goofy moron. Viola gets pissed off because she now wants Duke, so she walks off and calls Duke’s phone while Olivia is still flirting. Viola speaks to him in her normal voice, but Duke is still acting like a f***ng IDIOT around Olivia. Give me a break. No guy acts like an idiot over a girl and if they do they should be shot in the head.
Viola goes after with Olivia – who is still acting like she is attracted to Duke – and she tells him to go on a double date with them tonight. Viola takes the nerd girl with her. Olivia and Duke are at the pizza place and have nothing interesting to talk about to one another. Sebastian arrives with the Nerd. Olivia starts flirting with Duke and Viola is getting pissed off. Olivia and Duke start making out and the nerd girl tries to come onto Viola, but she freaks out and gets out. Olivia gets annoyed for some reason and takes off. Duke has a brief word with the nerdy girl for a second, and then ditches her as well. What assholes.
They might seem like pretty posh ladies but at the end of the day, these girls get down right nasty!
The real Sebastian is on the phone telling Monique he is in London and is coming home early. You know what that means – we’re going to see some hilarious antics soon! Viola goes to the debutante meeting and she acts like a tomboy. Viola is fuming over Olivia, who ALSO is part of this elite rich community. While all the ladies are eating like real ladies do, Viola eats her meat with two hands – holding it firmly as she bites into it! I’m talking about a chicken leg here you sick freak! Olivia goes to the bathroom and Viola follows her… did you think dirty like I did as well!? Viola tries to turn Olivia off Duke but Olivia tells her she was only trying to making Sebastian jealous. Monique comes out of the toilet getting pissed off at Olivia. The two start fighting and Viola joins in.
Malcolm talks to Principle Gold – who is also the school gardener – about something going on with Sebastian. They over hear Viola talking about getting a dress and stuff – she’s dressed up as Sebastian. It’s late at night and the REAL Sebastian arrives. Olivia grabs him and makes out with him and Duke sees it. Oh know! Monique goes home and gets the message from Sebastian about London. Viola goes to the dorm – as Sebastian -and Duke has a bitch fit about him and Olivia. He kicks her out of the room. Monique arrives, calling for Viola and Malcolm approaches her with a sneaky plan…
Viola goes outside and joins the nerdy girl on a bench. Duke is asleep as the real Sebastian walks in. The sun rises for the new day as Duke leaves the room. Malcolm and Monique tell Principle Gold what’s going on. Sebastian wakes up and has no clue as to what is going on. He gets ready for the soccer game. Viola wakes up and she is late for the game. Their parents meet up with one another at the game. They were invited there by the Principle. They find out that Viola wasn’t with her father for the whole time. Oh no… those crazy antics are coming up! Paul and Viola’s friends are at the game as well. The soccer teams come out and Sebastian has no idea what’s going on still. Duke and Justin stare each other down as the suspense builds.
After a team psyche up, the match gets underway and Sebastian is screwing up hardcore. Viola hides in the rafters of the stands. Principle Gold walks out with Malcolm and Monique, stopping the game. Dinklage gets pissed off. Gold gets a megaphone and announces that Sebastian is a girl. Sebastian says he isn’t and Gold tells him to prove it – so he drops his pants. The nerdy girl is horny for him. Gold screams at Malcolm for screwing things up. Monique tries to get with Sebastian, but he breaks up with her. Dinklage benches Sebastian.
The game continues and hits half time. Viola grabs Sebastian and tells him everything that’s going on. Sebastian tells her that some girl (Olivia) kissed him. They change clothes. It’s 0-0. Viola goes on the field and she starts owning the place. Justin acts like an ass. Duke scissors the ball into the net. Duke ignores Viola on the field and it costs them a point. Viola tries to talk to him and a fight breaks out between Justin and Duke. The teams start fighting and Coach Dinklage starts getting pissed off. He comes out and starts throwing people all over the place. Damn, that’s probably the only good thing about this movie! Vinnie Jones kicks ass!
Vinnie Jones - if this wasn't a PG13 movie he'd beat the shit out of everyone in site. It would have made this movie a lot more enjoyable too.
Olivia comes out and makes now it’s more crazy than before! Oh stop this wild roller coaster ride Bucket Heads! I don’t think I can take anymore! Viola says she loves Duke – and everyone thinks Sebastian is now gay. Viola says she is really a girl and proves it by lifting up her top. Viola begs for forgiveness from everyone. Duke gives some bullshit speech about teamwork or something – I really hate it when they make pretty people try and sound smart. Viola’s old soccer coach says she can’t play because she is a girl. Dinklage tells him to shut up and that she plays for his team now. The game starts up again. Viola gets knocks down and gets a penalty!
Oh no! It’s going to decide the game! Her dream is coming true! What is going to happen!? Justin tries to psyche her out. Viola kicks the ball… Justin blocks the ball… Duke headbutts the balls… Viola kicks the winning goal! Viola cheers, the crowd cheers, Justin cries, and I smash my Vodka bottle over my head. Sebastian celebrates with Viola as their parents join them on the field. They tell Sebastian off for going to London. They all decide to go out for dinner tomorrow. Viola introduces Olivia to the real Sebastian. Duke’s black friend hits on the nerdy girl and starts making out with her.
Viola is all alone and she looks at Duke, but he just walks off. HA!!! Duke goes to his room and finds a present from her. It’s a block of cheese – because they were joking about cheese earlier on – and an invite to Viola’s debutante ball. Viola is at the debutante helping Olivia get ready. Viola’s upset Duke isn’t there and goes outside. She sees someone outside, but it’s just the Mexican janitor. Duke shows up and they talk. The introductions to the debutantes begin. Justin is escorting Monique and Sebastian is escorting Olivia. Viola is meant to come out with Paul, but Duke grew a pair of balls and is now escorting her. They make out on the stage, and then they go off to play soccer and live happily ever after.
What a typical crappy ending. Everyone forgot about the huge drama that this little bitch started all because she wanted to play soccer. Screw her! See movies like these lie to us! They say you’ll get everything you want in the end but that’s a nasty lie; I didn’t get to see Viola get CRUSHED by the opposition! Maybe they’ll do a sequel where she tries out for the male football team and she gets DESTROYED!!!
But alas, it won’t happen because that’s Hollywood for you. Until my Final Thoughts, take it easy Bucket Heads and remember – anyone woman can dress up like a man are get away with it in a dumb posh society.
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