Bucket Movies Presents: See No Evil
February 15th 2009 23:23
It's every man for himself as Kane steps out of the ring and onto the big screen to do what he does best - act badly.
It is no secret that I am a big wrestling fan. I love it. I always have loved it. Lately it’s been crap but it still doesn’t stop me from watching it. Of course every big wrestling fan knows that the WWE, previously known as the WWF years ago, are the big dogs of the wrestling world. See WWE stands for World Wrestling Entertainment, and boy do they really try and focus on the Entertainment part of it.
A few years ago WWE decided that they were going to step outside from the world of wrestling and venture into the world of movies. I know – there isn’t much of a different now right? Well there is actually their shows aren’t live anymore and if someone screws up they can fix it in the editing room. So Vince McMahon, the owner of the WWE, starts funding decently budgeted movies and uses his wrestlers to be the main star.
I don’t know what he was thinking at the time but he probably figured “If they can act in a ring then by God, they can act in front of a camera!” The first movie produced under the company’s new division – WWE Films – was a horror movie featuring the wrestler known as Kane called See No Evil. I shall say no more at this time and allow my review to paint the picture.
If only these poor souls knew what was in store for them outside the prison walls. It makes dropping the soap a lot more fun!
The movie starts off with a bunch of random footage from a caravan with a bunch of random crap inside. A cop car arrives at an old house and two officers step out. One of them is a veteran called Frank. Some Jesus music is playing loudly about little children. The cops hear screaming and they go in. The rookie cop asks if they should wait for back up but Frank turns around and says “YOU WAIT!!!” So the young cop actually wants to play it safe but Frank replies back with a childish remark. The two walk around finding blood on the walls, crosses and a shrine in one of the rooms. The cops burst inside a locked room and find a woman crying. As she moves her hand from her face, Kane comes in with an axe! I mean, Jacob Goodnight… what a creative name.
Jacob kills the young cop, and then chops Frank’s hand off. Frank manages to get in a good shot though and Jacob staggers away. Frank’s hand twitches on the ground like a poorly made robotic human hand. Ambulances and media are on the scene reporting what has happened. Frank and the girl have been taken away. Four years later Frank wakes up, and takes a piss. He is now working as a prison officer county detention center. He is escorting some young punks down a path. Two of them exchange drugs. The two are Russell Wolf, who is in jail for “receiving stolen property” and Richie Bernson who is in for “computer fraud”.
Alright let’s hold up for a second. How do I know about the characters’ name and what they are in for? The movie paused with their name and the crime they were found guilty of. Do you see a problem with this? This film isn’t going to attempt to establish their characters. They are basically saying “This is so-and-so and he is a bad boy”. It’s very lazy, VERY LAZY, and I don’t like it! And what the hell is computer fraud!? Did they mean hacking? I’d assume it would be hacking I would hate to think Richie was jailed for selling a bad computer. I didn’t know you could be jailed for receiving stolen property either. What if poor Russell didn’t know the stuff was stolen? This movie is making as much sense as a WWE show but let’s continue shall we?
There’s a bus and inside are many hot girls – but these are bad girls… and they need a spanking! There’s a woman in the bus called Hannah and she confiscates condoms from one of the female prisoners. Hannah talks to the girls about a co-ed program they are going to be running with the male prisoners and a bitch fight breaks out between the ladies. A girl called Christine Zarate is in for aggravated assault. The guys enter the bus and Zoe Warner gets her condoms back. Michael Montross is a guy in for possession with intent to sell, assault and battery. Two of the guys start fighting. They get on the bus and it takes off.
Michael tries to pick up Kira Vanning, who has been jailed for possession with intent to sell. It seems like Michael and Kira used to screw each other. Tyson and Michael start exchanging punches and that’s Tyson Simms who was jailed for breaking and entering, and possession. Frank breaks up the fight while others talk about Frank’s fake hand and how he lost his real one to begin with. Russell is chatting up Melissa, who was busted for breaking and entering and reckless endangerment. She’s some animal hippy. So these are our prisoners and they all were busted for either breaking and entering or for drug possession… these writers aren’t very imaginative.
Richie and Tyson talk to one another about something as the bus arrive at the Blackwell Hotel - an old abandoned hotel. An old woman called Margaret comes out and greets them all. She owns the hotel and the kids are going to clean up the entire hotel so they can turn it into a homeless shelter? There is one HUGE homeless shelter. Remind me to go to this place should I end up as a bum one day. The deal the kids get is for every three days they work at the hotel, they get a month off their sentence. Nice, they’ll be back on the street pushing drugs and ripping people off with bad computers in no time.
Margaret gives a tour of the place and talks about a bunch of crap: how the hotel has hidden passages, famous guests and how there was a fire in the upper floor that killed people. The gang gets to work by mopping and sweeping up the floors. Michael gets stuck with cleaning the toilet. He starts hitting the ceiling for some reason getting annoyed. He sits on the toilet with a pipe and someone is watching him! Christine is sweeping the walls as a shadow of an axe appears! Oh no! Christine gets pulled into a room by… Kira. She plans on getting out of the hotel then talks about Michael. They are smoking cigarettes and Frank walks in. He has a smoke too and gives it back to them. Christine wonders if he pulls his dick with his robo-hand.
Welcome to the Blackwell Hotel - a place that still has the burnt bodies of those killed in a fire many years ago. That says a lot about the town huh?
Richie tells Tyson the stories about the hidden passages are true. Richie pulls out a map and tells him that there’s a vault full of money somewhere in the hotel! They’re going on a treasure hunt! Tyson agrees to help him. Christine is in the kitchen and Frank arrives telling she has a lot of potential. It turns out that Christine only attacked her stepfather because he was abusive. Christine tells Frank that Kira and Michael have history and Frank’s shocked about it.
Everyone is together in the atrium drinking cans and eating Chinese food for dinner. Damn, I wouldn’t mind this punishment at all. Russell is trying to pick up Melissa as a random dog pops out. Michael hurls a can at it and Melissa gets pissed off at him. Russell gives the cocaine to Michael and Zoe’s happy to see some drugs. Right now, I wouldn’t mind some drugs to make this movie more interesting. (Note: DRUGS ARE BAD KIDS DO NOT DO THEM!!!) Michael and Russell are getting ready for a “party” tonight while Richie and Tyson pretend to be asleep so they can look for the treasure!
Kira gets naked and has a shower. There’s a big cross tattoo on her back. A bug comes after Kira as she steps out of the shower. Someone is watching her, and it’s Michael. Christine comes as Michael pins Kira up against the wall. Michael leaves and Kira cries while Richie and Tyson are off treasure hunting! They come to a locked room and Tyson breaks into it. They go inside. Zoe and Melissa are talking to each other and Melissa says she shaved her legs because she wants to bang Russell. That was very thoughtful of her! The girls are going to go party with the boys. Christine doesn’t seem interested. There’s a room with bugs and stuff. Frank and Hannah are having drinks with each other at the hotel’s bar. Hannah tells Frank about a guy who she is going out with but doesn’t know if she wants to marry him… don’t you love how they are trying to establish some character development so we can “feel sorry for them” when they die? I WANT BLOOD ALREADY!!!
Richie and Tyson still searching for treasure! They go up to the burnt floors of the building. They find a bunch of alcohol upstairs, and dead bodies still burnt!? After all these years!? Richie says the bodies are fresh while Tyson looks through the dead guy’s clothes. His eyes have been removed and Richie runs away using his bad acting skills to be scared. Tyson runs after him while Richie gets lost and cries. The elevator door opens and Kane, I mean Jacob, comes out. He throws a huge hook at him and drags poor Richie. Tyson sees it what happens as Jacob goes into the elevator.
Margaret tells Hannah and Frank that people have left their rooms. Hannah goes upstairs and the elevator door opens for her. Hannah enters – logically the first thing you do is enter an elevator that opened up in an abandoned hotel – and ponders over if she’ll get married or not. She pushes the button to the second blood but it takes her to the eigth floor! That’s where the people got burnt! The doors open and she down the hallway as she steps out. A fly appears and Jacob grabs her! She chokeslams her into the roof then down onto the floor! He reaches for her eyes and removes them as really bad sound effects are used. I mean TERRIBLE sound effects, like “go grab a handful of jelly and squeeze it” terrible.
Zoe, Mel, Russell and Michael go upstairs to have their “party” while Kira and Chrstine want to get out of the hotel. Christine plans out an escape for Kira and they start crying that they are going to leave one another? They’ve only known each other for a day! Kira is in the kitchen and she is looking around. Jacob’s stalking her! Kira finds a window but falls of the counter making a loud noise that Frank and Margaret hear. Christine checks up on Kira and goes off to distract the two. The elevator door opens and Christine thinks it’s Michael and runs. Jacob hooks Kira by her shoulder and drags her away! Oh no! Frank bursts in and Christine tells Frank they all went to the penthouse for a party. Frank heads to the elevator and Christine comes along as well. Frank sees blood on Christine’s arm, he think it’s hers… but it’s coming from the ceiling!
Zoe, Mel, Russell and Michael are walking through the halls smashing up stuff. Frank and Christine get out of the elevator as Tyson is running around the halls still. There are heavy footsteps coming down the hall and Tyson panics. Tyson tries to open up a door but it’s too late! Here comes… Frank and Christine. Tyson tells them what happened to Richie and Frank can’t believe it. Frank says he shot Jacob in the head years ago. Jacob is keeping Kira alive because she has a cross on her back. Frank tells the two to get the hell out of the hotel. Frank turns around and Jacob’s hook comes at him, slowly swinging at him from the ceiling… very slowly. Frank gets hooked through his chin and pulled up into the ceiling – Scorpion style! His body drops from the roof. Christine gets his gun and the two run.
He may have had his hand chopped off but Frank is still the worst cop on the force. Who doesn't wait for back up and charges in blindly?
The group breaks into the penthouse of the building and it’s covered in bugs. Jacon’s watching them. Man he gets around pretty fast. They start smoking weed even though they had a bag of cocaine. Jacob has Kira tied up. Zoe is flirting with Michael. Jacob is watching on. Russell and Melissa go off to a private place. Jacob looks at Kira’s eyes. He is touching her up and having flashbacks of the last kill. Russell and Mel go to the maid’s quarters – incoming horror movie sex scene! Kira wakes up in a cage in a room full of dead bodies. Richie’s hanging on the wall. Kane walks back in and Richie’s awake. Kane grabs his face and rips out his eyes using the jelly sound effects again.
Zoe and Michael are in the penthouse. Michael wants to bang Zoe, but Zoe is a huge cocktease – pardon my French. Zoe’s mobile phone begins to ring? How the hell did she get a phone!? Zoe tells Michael she stole it from Hannah, what a bitch. Jacob is with Kira again and he rips off her cross necklace. He forces her into the shower and touches her tattoos on her back. Russell and Melissa are going at it still. Well, they are still kissing and stuff. The bed starts a rocking and it’s setting off bells in Kane’s room. He drags Kira back into her cage. He marches off to watch the two make out still.
Melissa is looking at the mirror and she says there’s something weird about it. Russell says it’s a two-way mirror – damn he is a smart cookie. Kane smashes through it and the two run into a storeroom. They open a window and plan to get to the atrium. Russell ties a piece of cloth around Melissa’s waste and she starts getting lowered. Melissa asks Russell to stop and he does, but he isn’t there anymore. She gets pulled back up to the top and it’s Jacob! Melissa screams for help. Jacob reaches for her and she gets loose, her leg gets trapped in the rope. Melissa asks to be let down and Kane lowers her. Kane lets her go and she crashes through part of a glass ceiling. Her arm is sliced open while Jacob takes out the eyes from Russell’s body. The dog comes, licks Melissa’s blood on the ground while she is alive, then calls for more dogs and they eat her.
The dog calls for more dogs and they proceed to eat her; do you call that irony since she was a dog lover or call it the worst death scene in a movie ever?
Zoe and Michael go off to a room to bang but she gets another phone call. They go into an elevator. It stops and Jacob is waiting there with an axe. He attacks and Michael defends Zoe. They run for it. Jacob is looking around for the two. He kicks down a door and looks around. He smashes up cupboards and shower drapes but finds nothing. Zoe is hiding in one of the closets. Kane leaves, then stops as he hears Zoe’s phone ring. The phone starts ringing and Kane has flashbacks. When he was a kid or something he was taught to kill people and take their eyes because it’s a window to their soul. Ok, that was completely random. Jacob grabs Zoe’s phone and forces it down her throat. She chokes on it and dies. Jacob drags Zoe off as Michael watches.
Zoe chokes on her phone; do you call that irony since she was always on the phone or call it an even worse death scene than Melissa getting eaten by dogs?
Tyson and Christine are still trying to escape. Christine gets her gun and fires at Michael by accident. Jacob adds more eyes to his collection. Tyson trips a wire and Kane gets a bell ringing so he knows where they are. The elevator goes down to the floor where the guys are at. It opens and no one is there. Jacob smashes down a door near them. Michael tries to defend them and Jacob owns him. Tyson and Christine go into the elevator and Jacob tries to break through. Tyson opens up the ceiling of the elevator and goes in. He pulls Christine up with him. Tyson sticks a taser in his face. Where the hell did he get a taser from?
Christine and Tyson run for it and call for Kira. They find her inside the room full of dead bodies and eyes. There’s tons of money pinned on the wall. They found the treasure! Kira is calling for help but Tyson only gives a shit about the money. Jacob arrives and goes after them. They try to free Kira from the cage but ditch her as the crazy axeman enters the room. Christine says they need to get Kira out now and that they need to make a distraction. Jacob is reaching in for Kira and has some flashbacks. The poor man was locked inside a cage when he was a kid, and he enjoyed himself a lot in the cage. Yeah, he was masturbating inside the cage when he was a kid. Apparently it’s the latest craze in school these days.
Tyson starts smashing all of Jacob’s jars of eyes. He looks around for Tyson. Christine comes out to help Kira but Jacob has the keys. Jacob’s upset about his eye collection, and I would be as well. Tyson peaks out and Jacob can smell him. Christine tries to break Kira out of the cage. Tyson tries to attack Jacob with the taser but Jacob grabs it and sticks it into his neck. He crushes him against the wall with a trolley he had. Margaret walks into the room that Kira is in. Kane comes in and Margaret wants to know why the whore is still alive. It’s her son! Oh what a twist! Who didn’t see that coming!?
Ah good ol' cages - you gotta love them. Now if only that cage was 15 feet high and surrounded a ring we could have had ourselves a good ol' fashioned deathmatch! Two men enter, one man leaves!
Margaret starts ranting on about her son being the hand of God and that she set the whole thing up with the hotel so Jacob could kill Frank. Yes, everything was just one huge set up so she could kill Frank. Margaret is trying to force Jacob to kill Kira. Jacob is acting crazy and tells his mother he won’t kill her. Margaret gets the gun and is going to kill the whore. Jacob grabs his mother’s hands. He has a flashback to the night he was shot. His mother starts acting crazy, talking about the eyes being the windows to the soul and all that crap. She got taught him the whole eye ripping thing. Jacob starts crying. He says he sees, then grabs his mother’s head and throws her across the room into a nail on the wall, head first. That was a good throw. Jacob starts screaming and crying.
Jacob grabs Kira and picks her up as Christine gets her gun and looks around. The Jesus song from the start of the movie starts playing. Jacob is rocking back and forth having more flashbacks. Christine is still looking around the place as the song still plays. Jacob is on a couch cradling Kira. Christine walks up to him and points the gun at him. Jacob snaps out of the trance and grabs her. He starts strangling the two of them and lifts them up in the air. Jacob throws Kira aside and reaches for Christine’s eyes. Michaels comes out with a pipe and digs the axe into Jacob’s leg. Michale hits him in the back of the head a bunch of times with the pipe. Bugs and flies start coming out of the hole? What is he the Boogeyman from A Nightmare Before Christmas!?
The three hide as Jacob looks around for them. He is near a window and everyone starts hitting him with everything they have. They ram him with a chair and he falls out the window. Christine looks over the edge and Jacob’s holding onto the ledge. He grabs Christine but Kira and Michael fight him off. They ram the pipe through his eye. He falls, crashes through a glass ceiling and the pipe comes out of his eye. Jacob hits the ground and a huge piece of glass pierces through his heart. How do I know this? They went into a special x-ray mode for it.
Christine, Kira and Michael look down at Jacob’s body and Kira spits on him. The three of them leave the hotel room. Kira asks Michael why didn’t he just leave and Michael tells them he didn’t want to leave the hotel alone. The credits roll, and I stare at my television screen amazed that a horror movie’s ending didn’t leave it open for another one.
Ugh that was painful to watch. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty Horror movies but I think that one has to be one of the worst ones I’ve ever seen. Hell I’d rather watch Curse of the Komodo again! I won’t – I will never watch that movie again not even for a million dollars. I’ll have my Final Thoughts up in a few days so until then, be well Bucket Heads!
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