Bucket Movies Presents: Rush Hour 3
March 29th 2009 13:47
Category: R
Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker team up for a third time in Rush Hour 3. Chan didn't bring his awesome kung-fu moves, but Tucker didn't forget to bring his loud, annoying mouth.
It’s a well known rule in the magical world of movies the third film of a franchise is going to suck – 95% of the time. There have been a few good third movies in trilogies before: Lord of the Rings and Indiana Jones for example. Terminator 3 was good; a clone of number two yes but it wasn’t terrible. It’s like an unwritten rule in Hollywood that if you are going to direct a series of movies, you must try and make the third movie blow. Even Christoper Nalon, the awesome director of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight, was quoting saying he might not make a third Batman movie in his series because “how many good third movies are out there.”
Enter Rush Hour 3.
There’s a funny story to this before I begin my little rant. Generally my friends and I celebrate our movies in the following fashion: an awesome dinner at some restaurant we’ve never been to before and we follow it up with… a terrible movie at the cinema. It’s a stupid tradition we’ve done by accident, starting with my friend’s birthday when we watched *sigh* Miami Vice – and don’t worry it will be reviewed here one day I promise you that. So for one of my friend’s birthday we went to watch this heap of crap.
I was actually looking forward to it because I loved Rush Hour 1 and I thought Rush Hour 2 was ok. Now that I think about it, why the HELL did I think Rush Hour 3 was going to be any good at all!? I mean yeah Rush Hour 2 was ok but it contained a lot of recycled stuff from the first movie. If Rush Hour 2 was like Rush Hour 1, then Rush Hour 3 might be different right? Oh how I began to loathe the movie the second that loud mouth Chris Tucker appeared on the screen…
Soo Yung can't believe Carter is cracking onto her when she is a sixteen year old girl... and the oldest looking sixteen year old girl for that matter.
The movie starts off with a huge traffic jam in L.A and directing traffic (in an annoying fashion) is Detective Carter. It looks like after stopping two big international terrorist groups, they’ve demoted him down to a street cop again. Carter is dancing (badly) on the street and singing (badly) as well. See at this point, this is where I started get really annoyed. I know – the damn thing just started and I’m already pissed off! Carter’s “crazy antics” causes more problems and cars start smashing into one another. He gets into an argument with some Latina girl and her fat friend.
Meanwhile Lee is the bodyguard of Ambassador Han again – that’s the guy from the first movie remember? While the two are driving somewhere, Carter has arrest the Latina women and they’re bitching to him about it. Carter agrees to let them go for a date, and he calls Lee about it. Lee’s pissed off about Carter because of something that happened in NYC years ago. Carter tells him to get over it and Lee hangs up on it. Lee tells Han that it was his mother calling him.
Han arrives at the UN building and there’s an assassin on the roof opposite. UN judge Reynard is talking about Chinese Triads and how big of a problem they have been across the world. He invites Han to address the UN board and he begins talking about them. He says they are full of secrets and how they have been around for over five hundred years. They must have been running the black market trades during the medieval times. Now THAT’S old school! Han says he believe he has found… Shy Shen! Everyone’s in shock even me – and I don’t even know what a Shy Shen is! Before Han can explain the assassin shoot him!
Lee sees the assassin from across the street and jumps out of the window after him. Don’t worry – it was like a story or two, Jackie Chan’s immortal remember? Lee runs off after him as the assassin who is sliding down the side of the building… interesting. Carter is talking to the Latinas and receives an announcement on his radio that a shooting has taken place. He takes their car and speeds to the UN building. Lee chases the shooter across a freeway. Carter sees Lee and drives after him, while running his mouth off like he was on crack. Lee does his cool flips and stuff over traffic while Carter drives around like a manic.
Lee chases the guy out onto an alley and catches the shooter. The shooter turns around and Lee’s shocked. He’s Kenji! I’m shocked too – and I don’t know who Kenji is! They must know one another in some way. They start talking to one another in Chinese amd Kenji is taunting Lee to shoot him. Carter drives through the alley and Kenji shoots at him. Carter almost drives into Lee and Kenji gets away. Carter introduces Lee to their dates and tells him the fat one is his. What an asshole.
Lee’s pissed off at Carter as they go through the hospital. The Captain of the LAPD tells Lee that Han is ok. Carter wants to get back on the force as a Detective and starts running his mouth off like an idiot. Captain doesn’t allow it him to and tells them that Soo Yung is coming – that’s Dan’s daughter from the first movie. She arrives and Carter wants to f*** her. Lee blames himself for what happened and Soo Yung wants them to get the person who tried to kill her dad. Lee vows to find the person. Soo Yung tells them she has an envelope in her locker in the kung fu school she teaches at in Chinatown.
The Asian Giant has caught himself an annoying little fly that was buzzing around his head singing Michael Jackson songs.
Carter and Lee go to the place and Lee tells Carter to piss off because this is Chinese business. Carter says he knows Buddhism and has black belts in kung fu and stuff so he is Chinese now. Lee says his black and talks like a gangstah. Carter runs off his mouth again about he can’t be Black and stuff and sticks around. God I want to punch Chris Tucker in the mouth. They go inside to find kids practicing and Carter starts shouting yet again. The teacher says no one can go in without the master’s permission. The kids pull out blades and threaten Carter. Carter starts screaming and acts like a kung fu douchebag.
Carter walks off into the room and a giant Asian steps out. He grabs Carter and throws him across the room. Lee runs up to him to grab Carter but the giant stomps on Lee’s hands. He kicks Lee away and throws Carter again, who is still screaming. Lee acts fancy and stuff, but gets tossed again. Carter screams and gets a staff. He tosses around nunchucks and hits his head. Hilarious – like I haven’t seen THAT one thousands times! Carter and Lee start grabbing bamboo sticks and the giant keeps pulling it off them. They get a big stick but the giant grabs that and spins them around on it. The master appears and everyone stops to bow to him.
The Master comes out and Carter starts running his mouth off asking who he is. He’s name is Yu – resulting in a long line of “I am Yu. NO I AM ME WHO ARE YOU!? I am Yu!” jokes we’ve seen one hundreds times. I know what you’re thinking – “I could go for some hot lesbian action right now” – but you can’t get what you want. Instead we get round two of shitty jokes when Carter asks the name of the teachers – and he is called Mi! Get it! I am Yu and he is Mi! HAHAHAHA!!! Carter’s all confused and he is running his mouth off once more. Lee talks to the Master, who tells him that people came out and cleared the locker. Carter yells at the Master for the giant guy being too big.
The guys head off to the hospital and no one is there. They check to see Soo Yung with her father and a nurse. Assassins arrive and they wheel out Han, but they get stopped at the hallway by the Triads hitmen. It’s just a set up as Lee and Carter where hiding. A gunfight happens and a fist fight – both are crappy. Carter runs around screaming and shooting. Soo Yung gets slapped around and that’s pretty bad considering she is a kung fu teacher. The crappy fight ends and Carter is trying to interrogate one of the hitmen – who is an Asian speaking French. They tell the nurse to get someone who speaks French to help them out.
Carter and Lee have the French Asian tied to a chair as Sister Agnes arrives to translate. The hitman tells her that they’ll regret doing this to him and that Carter is an N-Word. That’s right. Carter tells her to tell him that he’ll kick his ass. He tells the Sister that his mother is an N-Word as well. Carter tells her to tell him that his sister and mum and his grandmother are all whores. The Asian tells the sister that Lee is a pussy faggot… you read that right Lee gets pissed off. He says they are marked for death and Carter acts like the bad cop. Agnes starts praying while Lee plays the good cop. The hitman gives them an address and the name Genevieve. Lee walks out with the Sister acts all ghetto gangster with Carter. Such a stupid scene.
Lee and Carter take Soo Yung out with them and go to the French Embassy. Reynard is there and says he’ll take Soo Yung to Paris with him. The car blows up before they get in, so Lee and Carter decide to go to Paris. On a plane Lee’s looking at a photo of his old girlfriend. Carter tells him to get over her and Lee starts getting pissed off at Carter for shooting her in the neck. Carter says he has too much rice in his diet. Damn, this keeps on getting more racist by the second! The two discover that the address given to them is a gentleman’s club.
After failing to impress Chan with his "awesome singing abilities, Tucker turns to the audience hoping he has at least one fan left. He shall be very disappointed to find out discover people stopped liking him after second Rush Hour movie.
At the airport are stopped by Revi, a detective, and tells them to come with them. They are cuffed to the roof and beaten up – such polite policemen. Revi wants to know why two American cops are in France. He gives them an anal search before releasing them. They get into a taxi and George the taxi driver doesn’t want to drive Americans. He says they are always violent and they are a joke. Carter gets all pissed off and points a gun at him. He gets him to apologise and sing the American national anthem. He doesn’t know it and Carter starts singing it like the annoying piece of shit he is.
The guy drives them around and takes them to their destination. Carter and Lee go into the club and Carter just wants to bang every woman in sight. Carter walks off and finds some hot chick sitting at a poker table. He thinks she can’t understand her and begins ranting on like an idiot about how he wants to screw her brains out. She understands him and talks back to him in English. Lee goes to a bar and asks the bartender he is looking for Genevieve. Some Asian woman overhears him and says she can help him. She takes him upstairs.
Carter joins in the game and tells the dealer to hit him, but the game is baccarat. He doesn’t know how to play and he loses but the hot French woman wins. Carter still wants to bang her. He walks off when he sees Lee going into a room with the Asian woman. She has a fan and they start talking. She says someone is going to die and she says it’s Lee. Her fan turns into a bunch of blades and they start fighting. As they fight Carter smiles thinking Lee is actually screwing the woman – so the entire thing is him cheering on Lee while they two beat the crap out of one another screaming and moaning. Trust me, it was an ok fight scene ruined by Chris Tucker’s loud mouth.
Lee gets out of the room and the two run for it, getting back into George’s taxi. Motorbikes chase them around. Carter encourages George to drive awesome and to pretend that he is an American spy! George suddenly forgets that he loathes America and starts driving awesome. Lee kicks a bike, and Carter tries to do the same but the other guy grabs his leg. Carter screams like an annoying piece of shit. Lee fights the guy off them and the two get tossed out of the car. The Triad arrive and take them away.
Carter and Lee are in a sewer and Kenji is there dressed completely in white. I don’t think that would be a smart thing to do – dressing in a nice white shirt while you’re knee deep in shit. That’s just me though. Kenji talks to Lee and… it turns out Kenji is Lee’s brother! What a shocking twist! Who didn’t see that coming from the start, seriously? It was either they were brothers, cousins, or gay lovers. Kenji says he’ll let them live if they leave and Carter runs off his mouth again. Carter wants to leave but Lee doesn’t. Lee and Carter escape through a tunnel of shit and get dumped into a lake. They enter a hotel and Carter asks for an awesome hotel room. They’re in an elevator and start arguing. A rich woman’s dog pisses on Carter.
They two get dressed and showered. Lee talks about Kenji. They grew up in an orphanage together. Lee got a family and Kenji didn’t. Carter runs off his mouth again and Lee gets pissed off at him. Lee tells Carter he isn’t his brother and Carter leaves. Elton John’s “Sorry Hardest Word” song plays and the racism skyrockets out of control now! Lee feeling sad about the fight and so is Carter. Lee is watching a documentary on African tribes, while Carter is watching Short Round on TV – the little Asian kid from Indiana Jones. Lee orders fried chicken and Carter orders mushu. I’m surprised they didn’t make Lee order watermelon or have Carter pull a Chinese face in the mirror.
Carter sees the girl from the casino he played baccarat at on a big billboard and it is, Genevieve! Lee comes out of the shower and Reynard comes into Lee’s room saying the Triad are trying to kill him. He tells Lee that Shy Shen isn’t a person but a list of future leaders. Genevieve is the woman who has the Shy Shen! Reynard wants Lee to help him out and gives him a ticket to the place Carter went to. Carter goes into the dressing room of the women and pretends he is a gay costume design Bubbles. They ask if they look ok and stand in front of him. He starts acting like an idiot again. I don’t know why they just stopped on Rush Hour 2, seriously.
Chan engages in a sword battle hoping to restore the honour he lost for agreeing to act along side with Chris Tucker for a third time. I bet he was wishing all of his scene featured a CGI version of himself.
Lee arrives and walks through the place. He steps back as he sees the Triad. Carter has all the women naked in front of him and he is running his mouth off again. Lee and Carter meet up backstage and both say they know who Genevieve is. There’s some mobster girl strip tease happening. The Triad gets ready as Genevieve appears. Carter dresses up like a mobster and tries to get her away; acting like it’s part of the act. Lights go off, and come on and Carter is standing in front of the girls. He starts singing some song annoyingly once more – this is like the third or four time now. Lee’s lowered from the ceiling on a swing joining in on the duet. He lands and takes Genevieve away and the Triad start shooting. Everyone thinks its part of the show and starts cheering.
Carter, Lee and Genevieve run off as the Triad go after them. George arrives and he wants to drive the guys around from now on, because he wants to be an American! They go back to the hotel. Carter tells Lee he is going to make Genevieve because he knows how to sweettalk women. Genevieve’s all worried so Chris runs his mouth off. They start making out as Lee steps out on the balcony. Carter’s still running his mouth off while in the middle of kissing. The Asian woman is sneaking up on Lee but gets interrupted by the room service. Carter and Genevieve are going at it and Genevieve reaches for his gun.
The Asian woman goes to throw her knives but Lee comes in and shoots at her. Asian woman escapes but accidentally shot Genevieve’s arm. Instead of being grateful Lee just saved their lives, Carter gets pissed off at him for ruining the moment. They go to George’s house and George’s wife is a bitch to him. Genevieve reveals to Carter and Lee that she is Shy Shen and has the list tattooed on the back of her head. She pulls her wig off and shows them, and Carter freaks out thinking she is a man – once more running that mouth off. Genevieve says once the Triad leaders know who the next leaders are going to be, they kill the carrier.
The three head to Reynard’s office and George tells them he can’t continue helping them because his wife is a bitch. He is upset because he’ll never know what it will be like killing pointlessly, like Americans do. This movie is pretty anti-American isn’t it? Carter continues to run his mouth off to Reynard and he agrees to help them. He tells Genevieve to take off the wig, but they never told him there was a list. Reynard is part of the Triad as well! What a shocking twist! Who didn’t see that coming, just like how the ambassadors/rich white guys in the other films were secretly behind all the shit going on! Lee holds Reynard hostage just as his ASIAN bodyguards are going to kill her – now how didn’t that give it away to them before they walked in?
Carter runs his mouth again as I take a power drill to my head. The phone rings and he tells Lee to pick it up. Kenji tells Lee that Soo Yung’s been captured and they want to trade off. Wow, it’s amazing how quick word travels around in France. They are going to meet at the Eiffel Tower. Lee comes out of an elevator and meets his brother. There are four goons with him. Kenji and Lee grab katanas. He says he is going to cut him 100 times like old school triads. They trade off blows and talk crap to one another. Genevieve is actually Carter in a wig! How didn’t they know that from looking at his face!? Carter starts runs his mouth off YET AGAIN, and Kenji reveals to them Soo Yung hanging from the outside. Carter is running his mouth off once more and Kenji threatens to drop Soo Yung.
Kenji and Lee fight while Carter runs off his mouth, constantly with stupid one liners. Someone jumps Lee but he throws him into Kenji, and he goes out the window. Carter attacks the four goons while Lee grabs Kenji to pull him inside. Kenji reaches up but throws Lee out of the room. Kenji grabs the katana and goes after him. Carter starts fighting off the goons while the Lee and Kenji fight on the tower’s frame. Lee and Kenji fall off the frame but land on a net. They jump up and down trying to fight. Carter beats up everyone, then starts dancing and singing Kung Fu Fighting. Why must they have him constantly doing this!? He sees Soo Yung and goes after her.
Carter performs another annoying song and dance for the one hundredth time in the movie. If I were Soo Yung, I'd be begging the Triad to drop me off the Eiffel Tower.
The net gets cut and CGI Jackie Chan swings – I’d never thought I’d see the day that Jackie Chan never did his own stunts. Lee won’t kick Kenji off as the net is breaking. Kenji tells him to let go of him or they’ll both die but Lee doesn’t want to. Kenji frees himself from Lee’s grip and drops. Lee cries and the net breaks off. It swings onto the frame. Carter heads off to get Soo Yung and the knife Asian lady comes out. She grabs the rope while Carter runs his mouth off. She tugs on it and Soo Yung drops but Carter grabs onto the rope. He kicks the knife lady, and she gets caught on a cog and gets crushed.
Lee grabs hold of a cable that’s going up and reaches the restaurant. He meets up with Carter and Soo Yung, and more Triad members come after him with guys. Soo Yung goes into an elevator. Carter hides behind some crate and Lee hides in the big French Flag. He drops down on one guy with the flag and they fight. They beat the two goons up and Carter throws the flag up. Wind blows it up and Carter goes over the side. Lee pulls Carter back up. More people are shooting. Lee jumps off the tower with Carter and they make a parachute from the flag.
Triad are shooting at them and it cuts a hole in the flag. They crash in a pool. Carter is shouting and carrying on like an idiot. They get out of the fountain and Reynard has Genevieve hostage. They go after him and a gunshot goes off. Reynard is shot and he stumbles into the pool. George shot Reynard and he is proud to have done something American. The police arrive and Revi kisses Carter and Lee on the cheeks. He says they took down the Triad together. They punch Revi in the face and walk off, dancing to War like in every movie they do.
And there you have it – Rush Hour 1 and 2 mixed together only this time it was in France and was more predictable than ever. I’ll have my Final Thoughts on this movie up in a few days. Until then take it easy Bucket Heads – and remember to wear earplugs should you run into Chris Tucker on the street. Now that’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy…
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