Roadhouse - Part 5
January 25th 2008 04:08
What is a douche? 1 - A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons. 2 - This asshole.
You know what really pisses me off in a movie? Main characters who are huge jerks. I cannot stand it when the main character of a movie turns out to be the most annoying guy/woman/thing I have ever seen. It can really ruin a movie which is just what happened in Roadhouse. I’ve mentioned him a few times already in previous posts so Bucket Heads around the world, allow me to introduce to you all:
JAMES DALTON, WORLD’S BIGGEST DOUCHE!!!
So why is James Dalton the world’s biggest douche? I am compiled a list of reasons to answer this question.
1) He denied people entree to clubs he bounces at because “they look stupid”.
That’s right you read that correct. I have never seen anyone get denied getting into a nightclub or a pub simply because they look stupid. I’ve heard of people not getting in because they look too drunk but being too stupid? If people were being denied assess to clubs and pubs because they looked so stupid the nightclub/pub industry would be dead. If you’re reading this and you’re getting annoyed I just accused you for being stupid for going into a club/pub then answer me this… what is two plus two? Yeah… that’s what I thought you stupid-doodoo head!
2) He wants to be paid $500 a night for bouncing at places.
Why the hell would anyone be stupid enough to pay this asshole $500 a night just to bounce at their place? Frank seemed to be pretty stupid to go along with Dalton’s demands, not to mention paying him $5000 upfront AND covering all of his medical expenses. Bouncing seems to make better money and have better health plans than the majority of businesses today. If this idiot wanted me to pay him $500 I would shot him in the head and get the death sentence for first degree murder but it would be totally worth it.
3) He fired Terry Funk.
HE FIRED TERRY FUNK!!! In case you were wondering just who the hell Terry Funk is, he is one of the craziest, most hardcore, most insane wrestlers that ever stepped into a ring. He has been set on fire, ripped apart by barbed wire and had his ass kicked all over arenas all over the world. At the age of 63 he is STILL going. Why the hell would anyone want to hire the meanest mo’fo on the planet? You’d have to be a pretty big DOUCHE to do that.
4) He drinks coffee at a pub, not alcohol.
A bunch of you people might think that there is nothing bad about drinking coffee over alcohol but for crying out loud, you are at a pub! You don’t go into a nightclub and ask the damn bartender for a cappuccino you ask for a double vodka on the rocks! If you want to have a coffee go down to Lygon Street in Carlton, which is in the city of Melbourne in the state of Victoria in the country of Australia in case you don’t know what I am talking about. Where was I? Oh yeah, Dalton drinks coffee over alcohol. At least add some Kahlua or Baileys or something to it. Damn it, I need a drink…
5) He can’t follow his own advice.
Throughout the movie Dalton is telling everyone to be cool and never start up fights. Throughout the movie Dalton loses his cool constantly and walks around beating the crap out of everyone. Why would you tell someone one thing and then do the complete opposite? Towards the end of the movie he murders like six people and ends up ripping out someone’s throat. Keep it cool huh? Why don’t you keep it cool you god damn psychotic maniac asshole!?
6) He makes violent love to a woman against a hard stone wall.
When taking a woman home gentlemen this movie teaches you what NOT to do when you first make fiery, passionate love. In future reference you might not want to pick up a woman, run towards a stone wall and slam her against it. I’m pretty sure that it would probably damage their spine. Then again if Hollywood is right this movie taught me that women enjoy men to give them spinal core injuries during sex. I could be wrong here but I’m going to have a wild guess and assume I am right.
7) He claims that “Pain don’t hurt”.
I don’t think I’ve heard anyone screw up the English language like that before since his idiot friend Wade. First, the statement ‘Pain do not hurt’ makes Dalton sound like a caveman. If he wanted to say it correctly he would have said “Pain doesn’t hurt” which will mean ‘pain does not hurt’ which makes a lot more sense. However my second complaint about this statement is the fact that Dalton is claiming that pain DOESN’T hurt. Pain, no matter in what form, always hurts hence the definition of pain. Maybe he is immune to all forms of pain after being nailed over the head several times with a fire extinguisher or something. Finally the one thing that pisses me off about Dalton:
8) He claims he has never lost, EVER!
I found it very hard to believe this. He first made the claim that nobody wins a fight but if he is claiming that he never loses that means he always wins, which overrides what he stated about people never winning. Maybe he meant people never win a fight against him but couldn’t remember how to finish off the sentence on the account of all the brain damage he has suffered over the years. I also find it hard to believe that he has never, EVER, lost anything. I’m pretty sure he lost a bunch of Snakes n’ Ladders games or Uno games when he was a kid and I’m sure he got his ass kicked a few times as well. Maybe the brain damage gave him selective memory loss and he blocks out all loses he has suffered throughout his lifetime.
So Dalton is an asshole who doesn’t let stupid people into places, he lies about never losing, he claims pain doesn’t’ hurt, he can’t follow the advice that he gives to other people, he drinks coffee at pubs instead of alcohol, he wants to be paid a crap lot of money to work as a bouncer and more importantly he fires awesome people like Terry Funk. I hope he gets stabbed by a stupid person who paid Dalton a ton of money to be a bouncer at his work who went on to beat Dalton in a fight in a Vodka-shooting contest after Dalton gave him advice he didn’t follow. Then I hope Terry Funk comes back and beats his ass down in a barbed-wire steel cage of DEATH!
Well that pretty much wraps up this bad movie Bucket Heads. Tomorrow we’ll wrap this up for good and hurl this piece of crap back into the Bucket.
God, this guy is such an asshole! Damn him and his crappy 80’s mullet!
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