Roadhouse - Part 2
January 22nd 2008 03:33
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If you're looking for a place where going are going to be stripping on tables, don't bother going to this happy place. Cheers is more violent than this pub.
Alright its time for Part 2 about our story of Roadhouse. Before we begin let’s give a quick recap of what has gone down. Dalton is an asshole bouncer who is being paid a ton of money to help turn some crappy rundown pub into a successfully friendly business. In the town there is a rich guy doing what he wants and a rivalry and started up between the two. Now, on with the show!
THE STORY OF ROADHOUSE, PART 2!!!
The bar has gone from a scummy place of violence into a happy fun place where nerds and losers hang out. Everyone and their grandmother are lining up to get in to this joint. Dalton thinks he has done well until they find out Wesley, the rich asshole, had cut off the supply of alcohol to the place. Dalton gets annoyed and steps outside where the hot doctor chick Elizabeth is waiting for him. They go for a drive and are being followed by Wesley’s goons in a monster truck. The two are completely oblivious that someone is following them in a HUGE vehicle. How the HELL can you NOT KNOW that you are being followed by a god damn monster truck?
Dalton takes Elizabeth back to his place, fools around with the radio until he happens to land on a soft love song. Oh no… I know what is coming up next. Dalton looks deepily into Elizabeth’s eyes. Elizabeth kinda looks into Dalton but I think she is cross-eyed. I know where this is all going to. Dalton and Elizabeth lock up into a passionate kiss? What the hell!? I thought they were going to play Solitaire! The kissing leads to well… use your imagination here. After they are done the two hang out naked together out on the balcony and Elizabeth tells Dalton she’s worried about his life. She wants him to stay in the town but Dalton says nothing in this town is going to keep him around here.
Woah hold up. Did he just dump her after having sex with her? There is nothing that can keep me here? That isn’t quiet the thing to mention after one has made love now is it? Here’s another thing, if Elizabeth feared for Dalton’s safety wouldn’t she suggest to him to get the HELL out of town as soon as possible? Sounds like she is conspiring with the enemy! In any case Elizabeth and Dalton bang each other once again, only this time Wesley watches on from his mansion. Damn, seems like Wesley wants Dalton now. The next morning the old hillbilly asks about hearing his woman friend upstairs last night. Damn, EVERYONE in the town must be watching these two go at it.
Dalton heads off to the Double Deuce and the blind guy tells him that Wesley is pissed off because he wanted to bang Elizabeth. Yeah… I’m sure that is why he was watching the two make love on the balcony. At this point Dalton’s friend Wade rocks up, looks at the sign of the place and calls it the “Double Douche”! Damn, he was stating what was on everyone’s mind! Also at this time a delivery truck with alcohol shows up just as Wesley’s goons do. Dalton confronts them, they brawl, Wade saves him, and I think that Wade is going to get killed cause he is an old friend.
Dalton, Wade and Elizabeth are at the bar sharing stories about their past. Elizabeth’s laughing, Wade’s laughing, and Dalton seems to be having fun but you know if he getting pissed off thinking that Wade wants Elizabeth. They go to some diner in the middle of nowhere. Wade hears a song and starts dancing around with Elizabeth. Wade and Elizabeth have fun and Dalton looks like he is enjoying seeing them having fun but you know he is pissed off that Wade is still putting moves on his girl. As Elizabeth heads off to the toilet, Wade goes on a rant about Dalton not getting over the past, about not getting over killing someone and that he is stuck Elizabeth who he calls a ‘f***ing c***”. Woah, damn that was a bit harsh. He tells her some jokes, dances around with her and then calls her that? I hope this asshole does die now.
It’s another boring night at the crappiest bar in the world and everyone is having an awesome time… until Red’s store across the road blows up! Everyone runs outside and thinks that he is dead but alas, the old man is well and alive. They return back to the bar and Wesley and his goons are inside. Those dastardly villains! The big breasted blonde bimbo starts to strip dance on the stage but it looks like she is having a spasm attack while doing so. Wait… she’s dancing… ok that’s an interesting dick. Dalton gets annoyed since he only likes men and yeah he might be banging that Elizabeth chick but I think she has a penis still. He gets her off the stage and tells Wesley’s top dog to keep her on a leash. A fight breaks out but Wesley puts an end to it by firing a gun in the air.
Red wants to leave town because of the rich asshole and doesn’t want anyone to help him. Everyone is convinced that Wesley is scared of Dalton and that he should do something. We find Wesley driving his monster truck through the someone car shop since he went against him. Wesley tells Elizabeth to go Chick confronts him and Rich asshole tells her to tell him to get out of town. Dalton starts training at weird U.F.O music cause he is ready to fire the rich dude. Wade comes to talk to Dalton but he continues training so Wade gets pissed off and provokes him. Insert 1980s montage of feelings and training. Elizabeth comes by late at night to talk to Dalton about what he is going to do, but suddenly the old hillbilly’s house blows up. He is ok and Dalton sees Wesley’s top dog bodyguard drive off.
Dalton catches up to him and the two start a fight at the lake! DING DING!!! They go a bunch of kung-fu moves on each other and Dalton mounts the bad ass bodyguard. See what did I tell you? Still trying to convince yourself that he isn’t gay? They start fighting again and the bad ass guy tells Dalton that he wants to f*** him. No I am NOT making this up. If you’re not convinced there are huge hidden gay messages in this movie I hope this convinced you now. Dalton gets beat down but he gets his second wind and RIPS OUT THE GUY’S THROAT!!! Wow that looked so terrible. Elizabeth comes along, sees Dalton standing above the dead body and starts yelling at him. What a damn BITCH! She is telling off Dalton for defending himself and now she doesn’t want to see him anymore? I’d rip out her throat if I were Dalton.
The next day Dalton gets a call from Wesley. He says either his girl is going to die or Wade is going to die and they’d decide who lives with a coin toss. Didn’t they make a movie about that recently? Dalton’s friend walks in all beat-up so he thinks the chick is going to die. He rushes over to the hospital, she tells him to piss off, he rushes back to the bar and finds his friend dead. There’s a note on the knife that was used to stab Wade and it said it was tails. I don’t think it was tails. If Elizabeth was find that means Wesley planned on killing Wade from the start! Dalton takes out the knife and heads over to Wesley’s place for a final showdown! Now that wasn’t a very smart move on Dalton’s part. Why the hell did he touch the knife and leave his finger prints on it? Aren’t the cops going to check for that sort of thing when it comes to them trying to solve the crime?
Everyone is waiting for Dalton with shotguns. They all start shooting at his car as it drives up at full speed and it explodes. Don’t worry folks it was a trick! Dalton wasn’t in the car he created a decoy! It appears that it was the knife that Dalton removed from Wade’s body that drove the car! Yeah I don’t get it either so I’m going to nod my head and pretend that I knew that was possible. Dalton enters the mansion and start picking off people one by one. When there are no more people left to kill its time for Dalton to go for the big, fat kill! Yeah I know, I stole a quote from Sin City but it’s an awesome movie and I’m trying to make this movie sound good, kinda… alright I just took it cause it sounds like a cool quote.
Dalton stumbles upon Wesley’s trophy room and Wesley appears with a gun. Dalton attacks but Wesley defends himself by throwing spears? What the hell happened to the gun? Amazingly Wesley, the small skinny rich asshole, is kicking the ass of someone who just ripped out someone’s throat with their barehands! Dalton gets his second wind and is about to rip out Wesley’s throat but that Elizabeth bitch comes in and tells him not to. Wesley gets up and grabs his shotgun and BOOM!!! Wait a minute Wesley didn’t fire the gun, it was Red the store-owner! He has a shotgun! Wesley is still standing, so the hillbilly comes out with another shotgun and BOOM!!! Wesley is STILL standing so the guy who owned the car store comes out with yet another shotgun and BOOM!!! But Wesley is STILL standing so Frank, the man who runs Double Deuce, comes out with ANOTHER SHOTGUN and BBBOOOOOMMM!!! Wesley FINALLY drops dead after four close range shotgun blasts. That reminded me about that scene from Robocop where everyone is firing shotguns and machine guns at Officer Murphy and it finally dies after five minutes yet his body is perfectly still in one piece.
Everyone hears the cops coming so they decide to hide the shotguns and everyone plays dumb like they just happened to stumble across this carnage. What the hell. I am not making this up trust me when I say EVERYONE is playing stupid. The cops will find the guns, they’ll find the fingerprints, they’ll test for gunpowder residual on everyone’s fingers and they’ll know what the hell happened. Then again this is the 1980s and CSI wouldn’t be around for another fifteen years or so. The movie ends with Dalton and Elizabeth kissing and making up by going skinny dipping in a lake. And everyone lives happily ever after.
What a pile of shit. So not only did the script suddenly change its direction they think killing the rich guy is going to solve everyone’s problems. Well it kinda did but no one thought about the aftermath? What if everyone in the town gets arrested? There goes everyone’s life! If they all got arrested we could have seen a movie where Roadhouse meets Oz. That way all the stupid townspeople could have gotten killed even that asshole Dalton. God I hated this movie so much that I am glad I don’t have to watch it a second time.
I’m going to go have some vodka and calm my nerves down a little. Just a quick question for all of you people reading this… how many of you have a vast fortune and don’t know what to do with your life? Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you some advise on how to spend your money and your time if you happen to be a millionaire!
Elizabeth hates Dalton for defending himself yet it cool with four people blowing away someone important with shotguns. Yup, that woman ain’t nothing but a bitch!
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