Roadhouse - Part 1
January 21st 2008 01:57
Category: No Category
Roadhouse, a movie about a bouncer trying to turn around a scummy pub into a family aimed entertainment house. Just as crap as it sounds.
Oh the 80’s. This was a period that I was born in, well half way through it, but I still remember it. Weird hairdos and fashion, awesome music and good movies. Looking back at it now some of the hairdos were bad, some of the fashion that was around was bad, and some of the music was terrible. Some movies that came out were really bad and it seemed you could write a script about anything and produce it.
This is where this week’s movie comes in. If you haven’t heard of the movie Roadhouse then you are probably lucky. I never heard of this movie before until I watched it over a couple of months ago and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. There’s too much stuff to talk about this movie so what I am going to do for the next two days is make two posts about the entire movie. The next three days are going to be looking at specific things like post reviews (quotes, characters etc). So let’s kick off the review!
THE STORY OF ROADHOUSE, PART 1!!!
Once upon a time there was an asshole called James Dalton who worked as the head of an elite bouncer team of a club called ‘The Band Stand’. This is the 1980’s so there’s a lot of one hit wonders playing while people dance like idiots to the funky beats. Unfortunately no one is on crack so they are dancing normally which is scary. We get a face full of the symbols from the 80’s; money and sex and there’s a lot of it. Well there isn’t sex since it’s a nightclub not a brothel though they didn’t go to the toilets which is normally where the action takes place.
Anyway Dalton the Bouncer had a wicked and nasty bullet that gave him his magical powers of being an asshole. We see him jump into action when a skinny white rich guy slabs his woman around and kicks her in the stomach. Wow I did not see that one coming. It was so random seeing a guy kick a woman in the stomach and see her go flying. Dalton jumps into action and gets slashed by this crazy dude’s knife. Dalton stays calm and cool and escorts the gentleman outside so that they may take their business outside. The man gets escorts and that’s about it, there is no fight! What a damn let down. He gets stabbed and he doesn’t grab the knife and stab him in the eye in retaliation?
Dalton heads off to stitch himself up, apparently bouncers have medical degrees, and a guy called Frank Tilghman walks in with a big smile on his face. He is either looking to ask Dalton out on a date or he is really impressed by the way he handled the situation and wants to hire him to help maintain order at his bar. The later is what Frank is looking for and asks Dalton to help his shitty place called the ‘Double Deuce’. Dalton agrees to a price. He wants $5000 upfront and $500 per night. Yes people it seems that working as a bouncer will get you paid more than university professors. What an asshole!
Dalton gives his nice car away to some random bum on the street and he hesistates at first but then accepts it. I would be suspicious if I was that bum as well. The homeless guy has either see BumFights on the internet or he’s heard about homeless people getting killed for their organs to be sold on the black market. Dalton goes to his place and gets out his awesome car that he’s had stored away for some reason. Enter 1980s song with a quick montage of Dalton arriving at the terrible rundown pub in the middle of nowhere. If only montages could speed things up in the real world like they did in movies…
We get a bunch of stereotypical things out from this place. We have out biker gang out the front acting like assholes to everyone coming in. There are fights breaking out all the time and hookers parading around the joint showing off their merchandise. The staff are dealing drugs out to customers and the poor blind musician has to be fenced off by chicken wire for his own protection. One of the hookers with massive melons walks up to Dalton, who just watches everything at the bar. The owner of the place, Frank, comes out from his office and changes the word ‘F***’ that’s been written on a wall to ‘Buick’. What the hell is a Buick? Until I looked it up on Wikipedia I didn’t know what Buick was but it appears to be a brand of car.
Dalton watches on as people hurl bottles and glasses at the blind guitar player/singer. Dalton gets up and we could be in for a fight but… or damn it he is just going to talk to the band player. It seems like the two knew each other from back in the day and this is where we find out that… Dalton has killed a man! DUH DUH DDDUUUHHH!!! Oh the suspense. Before anything happens a huge fight spills out all over the place. The cause of the fight: someone didn’t pay someone $20 for kissing some random chick’s breasts. Everyone is fighting everyone, men are fighting men, women are fighting women, even men and women are fighting each other. What does Dalton do? He just sits back and watches everything calmly. What an asshole. Why the hell would anyone play him to sit back, watch on and do nothing?
The next day Dalton buys a car, even though he has one already, and fills up the boot with a bunch of wheels. He drives off to a hillbilly’s farm and asks about the room that’s up for rent. The old hillbilly farmer tells Dalton that he’ll charge him $100 per MONTH for a fully furnished room! What a damn steal! It is at this time we get a first look at the town’s richest man, Brad Wesley. He decides to fly helicopters over the hillbilly’s farm to scare the animals. Why I don’t know but I think they are hinting to us that he is meant to be a biggest asshole than Dalton.
That night Frank introduces Dalton to everyone. As part of their agreement Dalton has pretty much full control and can do whatever the hell he wants. He fires a bunch of people for selling drugs and starting fights, including hardcore wrestler Terry Funk. He gives everyone three rules for the bouncing industry. Rule 1: Never underestimate your opponent. I thought he was giving advice to bouncers and not Daniel-San. Rule 2: Take it outside. Well yeah generally the first thing you learn in security/bouncing school is to always take the trouble outside. Rule 3: Be nice. Be nice? BE NICE? You have got to be kidding me right? He isn’t talking about be nice then beat them up he is talking about be nice for the whole damn time, even if they put a bullet in your head.
It’s Dalton’s first night on the job and he sits back drinking coffee instead of alcohol. A hot chick dances on the table and everyone starts cheering and having a good time. Dalton doesn’t like that, see I am starting to think that Dalton might be a homosexual as there are tons of hints throughout the movie. He doesn’t like the chick so he gets her off the table and ruins everyone’s fun. One of the staff members are having a bit of ‘hanky panky’ in the storeroom. Dalton walks in, most likely gets annoyed that he isn’t in the position of the woman, and fires the male staff member. He then fires the bartender for stealing from the till which is probably the only right thing he has done all night. Frank is very happy with Dalton’s work. Dalton walks outside and sees his tires are slashed and his car is trashed. Oh, THAT is why he brought a crappy car and drives that around instead of his nice one. He knows that everyone thinks he is an asshole!
When he gets back from work Dalton watches the rich guy have a party. See Brad Wesley lives across from the farm that Dalton lives at. Wesley has a huge party with women running around in bikinis. Dalton seems to be annoyed. Either he wants to be at the party but wasn’t invited or he wants to be one of those women running around in bikinis for the rich dude. The next day one of the nerdy female works at the bar visits Dalton, sees his bare naked butt and it almost makes her head explosion in excitement. She tells Dalton all the trouble he is doing is going to get himself killed, and he almost does. As he is driving down the road Wesley drives around ignorantly and runs him off the road. Dalton’s ok though cause he loves Wesley very much.
Dalton takes his car to the mechanic that lives across from the bar. The guy says he’ll have to leave it overnight cause he doesn’t know if, he can repair the windscreen. Yes, have you ever met a mechanic that said they couldn’t fix a window? Wesley and his goons walk into the store and talks to Dalton. Seems that Wesley runs the town and he gets everything his way. I smell a rivalry in the making! Dalton heads back to the farm and practices his Tai-Chi or Kung-Fu or something. The old hillbilly farmer is watching as well as Wesley. Damn, seems like everyone wants everyone in the town.
Dalton heads back to the bar and finds out the bartender he fired is getting his job back, as Wesley the rich dude wants him to. He gets his job back then pulls a knife on the boss? Everyone starts pulling out their knives so Dalton beats the crap out of all of them and throws them outside. So let me get this straight. Dalton just broke two of his three ruels in taking the trouble outside and be nice. He kicked everyone’s ass inside the place without once asking them politely to leave. Practice what you preach you damn asshole. Dalton goes to the hospital cause he got sliced, so why he doesn’t stitch it up himself like he did before I don’t know, and meets the lovely Dr. Elizabeth Clay. They talk and laugh and Dalton seems interested in Elizabeth, probably due to the fact she kinda looks like a man and he thinks that she might be a shim, or a he-she, or a she-he or whatever you call them.
Wesley drives around in a monster truck and lectures his goons when he gets out. He beats the crap out of one of them to prove his point and calls them all weak. Any man, ANY MAN, is weak when you knee them in the nuts like that. Dalton rocks up at the mechanic store across the road from the bar and finds the place completely trashed. The owner, Red, says he’s store gets robbed everyday by the rich guy since he runs the show. Dalton gets annoyed and vows to stop it. He calls up his old bouncer buddy Wade who is keeping an eye on a wet t-shirt contest. The only thing is that this is the FIRST wet t-shirt contest I have ever seen where they are no wet t-shirts. Don’t even ask me why there are no wet t-shirts. This is false advertising, if you say you are going to have a wet t-shirt contest you have people wearing wet t-shirts. This is just a wet titty contest. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Dalton calls Wade for some help and he decides to come down.
More people are turning up to the bar now cause it’s all civilized. The nerdy waitress chick is singing and boy she can’t sing. I wish Simon Cowell was here to humiliate her to the point of suicide. The big breasted hot blonde chick who keeps hanging around Dalton wants him but he isn’t interested. See, I told you he was probably gay. Turns out this chick is Wesley’s top dog’s woman and he gets pissed off. Wesley’s goon rock up in their monster truck and start up a big fight in the pub. Is anyone following the damn rules that Dalton gave them? Dalton takes the goons outside and at perfect timing Elizabeth shows up. She likes what she sees, the two start talking and eat at a grill bar. Dalton’s car is trashed once again so he kisses Elizabeth. I see think that he thinks that she has a penis.
Dalton goes home but Wesley’s goons rock up saying he wants to talk. Aww, they are going to have an intimate moment. They go inside his awesome mansion and the blond chick has her face all beaten up. Next time she won’t go around making herself look like a slut in front of everyone, hey I’m just writing what her boyfriend yelled at her as he beat her up. Well he didn’t say that in the movie I’m just thinking of what he would have said. Wesley talks to Dalton and says he put the place on the map so everyone owes him money. Wow, that’s a pretty good investment plan. Remind me to move into a crap town in the middle of nowhere so that I can bully everyone into paying me a ton of movie ok? Wesley pulls the “You Killed A Person” card on Dalton to scare him but he wants to hire Dalton to work at his bar. Dalton thinks he said to ‘work his bar’ but then he realizes he meant a pub so he refuses.
Business at the Double Deuce is booming and tomorrow we will take a look at what happens in the next half of the movie. There’s going to be a lot more violence and a lot more twists and turns in this stupid movie Bucket Heads so you can all look forward to it.
And trust me when I say it gets worse… a LOT more worse…
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