Bucket Movies Presents: My Super Ex-Girlfriend
January 18th 2009 22:52
Category: M
Look out bad guys it's G-Girl - using the lame acting powers of Uma Thurman to scare her enemies into submission!
Ah good ol’ superhero movies – you’ve got to love them. In recent years there have been scores of flicks based around the childhood heroes we all love. Let’s see we’ve had 3 X-Men movies, 3 Spiderman movies, 2 Incredible Hulk movies, 2 Fantastic Four movies, an Iron Man movie, a Superman movie and a bunch more. Oh let’s not forget the awesome reset of the Batman saga. The Dark Knight is probably the best superhero movie ever!
Moving away from the obvious superhero movies they have been a bunch of movies based around heroes created for a movie. We had Hancock which was an interesting superhero movie and then we had a spoof of super hero movies called Superhero Movie. I know it’s going to be reviewed here but just give me a chance to recover from the amount of movies I’ve been watching over the past few weeks ok Bucket Heads? There is one superhero movie though that slipped past most people’s radars when it was released. Don’t worry - it was so crap it didn’t slip my radar that’s for sure!
My Super Ex-Girlfriend is a “hilarious comedy” featuring Uma Thurman. Can you see what is wrong with that sentence? Do you remember what happened the last time Uma Thurman was in a superhero movie? Yeah I figured you didn’t me to reopen old wounds. Well instead of Ms. Thurman playing a super villain she is now playing a superhero. The result is exactly the same as it was in Batman & Robin. If you thought playing Poison Ivy was terrible just sit back, relax and grab your barf-bags Bucket Heads, because Uma’s gonna show you how bad she can be when she plays superhero G-Girl!
Matt's too stupid to realise that his girlfriend Jenny is really G-Girl - I guess it's hard to tell someone is a superhero when they have a pair of glasses on huh?
The movie begins with a jewelry store being robbed by bandits. While the bandits make their getaway from NYC’s terrible police force, something flies through the air at the speed of light. The superhero lifts the crooks’ car off the road and slams it to the ground. The people of NYC cheer on as G-Girl proceeds to shield the cops from a barrage of bullets. The bad guys run off as G-Girl catches them before returning to her normal world.
Inside a train is Matt with his nerdy friend Vaughn ask the question “if you could have any superpower what would it be?”. Vaughn says he’d have the power to blow himself. How hilarious. Matt looks up and sees an innocent woman called Jenny, who is G-Girl’s alter ego. Vaughn encourages Matt to talk to her and he does, but Jenny shoots him down. Someone steals her handbag and Matt catches after him out of the subway and onto the streets. The robber drops the handbag and Matt picks it up, and then proceeds to hurl manly insults at him. The crook comes back with a lead pipe and Matt runs for it. He hides in an alley and dives into a dumpster. He opens it up and Jenny is standing there. Jenny decides to go out with Matt as the handbag thief hangs from the fire escape via his underpants.
Matt heads to work, (he’s an architect), and chats with his hot co-worker friend Hannah. Matt is staring at Hannah’s ass as she is putting away books and their boss Carla catches him. She wants to fire him for sexual harassment but Hannah says it’s ok. Damn, I wish girls would say it’s ok when I stare at them, from across the street, from my window… when I use my binoculars… as I watch them undress slowly… I hate God damn restraining orders. Anyways, Jenny calls Matt and they set up a date. Hannah is happy for him.
Matt and Jenny go to an Indian restaurant. Jenny is an assistant curator. They start talking about sex and she is bragging about how good she is at it. Way to make yourself look like a huge whore on the first date! Jenny hears something going on in the distance and Matt thinks she is finding him boring. To be honest, he is a boring guy so I can’t blame her for zoning out. Jenny says she goes to the bathroom and takes off to the scene were trouble is brewing! Matt calls Vaughn, who is standing outside where a huge fire is taking place. G-Girl arrives out, rounds up the fire in a big tornado and gets rid of it. Matt is jealous Vaughn is seeing her and he isn’t. While Matt and Vaughn try to figure out what the “G” stands for Jenny returns to the restaurant. Matt notices a “black smug” on her face. Now I’m willing to say it’s charcoal but if a woman I was on a date with walked out with a “black smug” on her face I’d assume the worst.
The next day Matt and Hannah are talking about Jenny and for some reason Hannah assumes she is a psychotic bitch. I don’t know why she just assumes it after one date. It’s not like she slammed her face into her plate and devoured the food. I’d call that psychotic, and hot! Where was I? Steve, Hannah’s boyfriend, comes and he makes out he is pissed off Matt is talking to Hannah. Matt returns the joke and Steve thinks he is serious. By the way, Steve is an underwear model who’s incredibly dumb. Matt heads off to play squash with Vaughn. They watch a chick’s exercise class while talking about Jenny.
Matt meets up with Jenny for another date and gives her a rose. She starts ranting on about it being a red rose and that he means he loves her. Matt tries to call for a taxi but it drives off. Jenny breathes in deeply and pulls the taxi back to them. They stop at the gallery she works at and there’s a statue of a deer with a person’s foot up its ass. Jenny calls Matt her hero for helping her out when she is always helping everyone else out. Get it? Cause she is really G-Girl! They kiss and Jenny proceeds to call Matt a bad kisser. She teaches him how to kiss better. They go back to his place as a robotic pigeon lands outside on the window ledge, spying on G-Girl. G-Girl’s nemesis, Professor Bedlam, watches on from his hideout.
It's ok Matt - we all know you're scared of watching an Uma Thurman movie that isn't directed by Tarantino. Trust me; we're all in the same boat here.
Matt and Jenny head to the bedroom and she begins to freak out when Matt attempts to remove her clothes. Get it? Cause she has her uniform underneath her clothes! Jenny heads to the bathroom and quickly gets undressed. She now looks like a slut. Jenny makes out with Matt and rips off his shirt, then his pants. They go under the sheets and she gets on top of him. As Jenny begins to umm “ride” Matt, the bed moves backwards several itches and slams into the wall like a battering ram. Eventually the bed collapses because of Jenny’s superhuman strength. So she doesn’t let Matt take off her clothes but she’ll break his bed… and he is still completely oblivious? What a moron.
Matt’s walking down the street and he looks to be very happy or in a lot of pain. Vaughn is at a bar trying to pick up a bartender chick, she rejects him hard. Matt walks in and tells Vaughn that Jenny broke the bed while they screwed last night. Hannah joins them and gives Matt some Chinese lessons on his I-pod for their big meeting coming up. Matt thanks her and heads off to see Jenny which makes Hannah unhappy. As Matt steps out some big British goons come out and throw Matt into their limo. Professor Bedlam is inside and he wants to know everything about Jenny. Whenever Matt tries to talk one of the goons constantly slaps him. When Matt fails to deliver Jenny, they leave him hanging from the Statue of Liberty. Jenny gets a text from Prof B and it’s a picture of Matt. She dashes off and saves him just before he hits the ground. As she is flying Matt back home she yells at him not to look at her.
Prof B gets into G-Girl’s apartment and takes some hair from her brush. Later on Matt is walking outside with Jenny talking about how he was just saved. He says G-Girl is crazy and Jenny gets pissed off at him. She sees a little girl about to get hit by a car on the street and saves her, just as Matt turns his head from her. It makes sense since no one else is going to see how fast she moved huh? Jenny gets collected by a car and is sent flying. Matt sees it but Jenny gets up and brushes it off like it was nothing. They go back to Jenny’s apartment and gives Matt the whole “trust” speech about relationships. She reveals to him she is G-Girl. Matt’s in shock. Well DDUUUHHHHH!!!
Jenny gives Matt a history lesson about herself and her nemesis Prof B. The two were nerds back in high school who became good friends. On the night that they were both going to lose their virginities to one another a meteorite crashes. The two go to investigate it and Jenny decides to touch it – because this is the most logical things to do. It explodes and she manages to develop superpowers while Prof B gets jack. Her powers include her teeth becoming straight (she had bracers) a growth in her breast size and her hair turns from red to blonde. Yeah, it seems like the meteorite has the power to turn people into typical dumb blondes. She is now extremely popular in school while Prof B gets pissed off. They grow apart and soon become enemies.
Matt asks G-Girl if he can screw him with the costume on. She goes one better and flies him up into the air. They begin screwing above the city and G-Girl dives down into the ground. Jenny pulls up just before they hit the ground and Matt drops a load – from his ass! See what I did there!? And I’d hate to be the person on the ground that gets “bird droppings” on his or her head! Wow… I just scared and grossed myself with that imagine as well Bucket Heads don’t worry. Anyways, Prof B shows how powerful G-Girl’s hair is to his goons. He takes a buzz saw to it and the blade shoots off - ricocheting around the room before hitting a goon in the shoulder. Prof B places some rock next to it and it drains the power from it.
Matt and Hannah are at a construction site and Matt notices he has a splinter in his finger. Hannah bites it out for him. Jenny appears out of nowhere, grabs Matt and starts making out with him. She’s pissed off at Hannah. They decide to double date. That night Hannah joins the two but Steve isn’t with her. He had to do an “emergency thong shoot”. There’s a missile on the loose and Matt thinks G-Girl should do something about it, but Jenny doesn’t want to. What a bitch! Even though the missile is about to hit NYC she is still against it! After hearing enough of Matt bitching Jenny leaves and saves the city from the missile. As she arrives back she sees Hannah and Matt hugging. She’s pissed off.
Matt is driving Jenny back home and she thinks he wants to bang Hannah. She gets pissed off and punches his window. Jenny apologises and says she loves him a lot. The next day at the gym Vaughn is watching some chick work out. Matt tells Vaughn he doesn’t like Jenny anymore and wants to break up with her. Vaughn tells Matt there’s two ways of breaking up with girls: the first is an aggressive way and the second is a pussy way. Matt decides to go with the pussy way naturally.
G-Girl saves Matt from becoming a pancake - too bad she couldn't save me from the crapness of this movie.
That night Jenny is preparing dinner and Matt says they should take a break. She gets pissed off and bends the knife with her hands. She dents the fridge with her head then flips the table at him. Matt tells her she is crazy and Jenny blows him into a shelf. She then boils up his goldfish and flies out of his roof; saying he is going to regret it. The next day Vaughn is at the pub trying to pick up the bartender chick again. Matt tells Vaughn that Jenny is really G-Girl and Vaughn doesn’t believe it. G-Girl arrives with a chainsaw to shove up his ass. Vaughn wakes up.
Matt becomes paranoid and gets spooked by Hannah at work. He tells her that he broke up with Jenny and they hug. Matt wants to tell Hannah how much he loves her – like we didn’t know – but suddenly sees Jenny hovering out the window. He throws Hannah to the ground and Carla sees it. She wants to fire him again but Hannah says it’s ok. Damn it looks like Hannah enjoys a bit of abuse! Why I said that I dunno but it probably made me lose a bunch of viewers! Matt gets a call and his car’s been taken via a huge hole in the wall.
Matt is at home that night practicing his Chinese and G-Girl cuts his power out. She crashes through the roof and starts using his telescope. She tells him to look and his car is flying through outer space. Ahh hahaha… yeah funny. Matt calls her crazy again and she burns something in his forehead. He looks in the mirror and G-Girl has burnt “DICK” on his head. Get it? Dick… Head… I meant the word not you. You’re a Bucket Head. See what I did there!? Ok I’ll stop and get back to the review.
Matt has the meeting with the Chinese developers and he has a beanie on his head. As he is talking, G-Girl flies past the window several times. She arrives into the office, causes a whirlwind and leaves - stripping Matt butt-naked. Carla calls Matt a sick bastard. Hannah patches up the DICK on Matt’s head. Matt has been fired from his job and tells Hannah to stay away from him for her own safety. Matt is packing his belongings to move city when he gets a knock at the door. Prof B comes in saying he has a way to strip G-Girl from her powers. Matt says he just wants to leave but Prof B says she’ll haunt him forever.
Matt returns to repacking when Hannah calls him and she says something bad happened. Matt leaves the house and heads down to her place - thinking G-Girl did something to her - but Hannah tells him Steve cheated on her. The two confess to one another their love for one another and proceed to bang. Next morning they’re in bed all happy. G-Girl appears and throws - wait for it - a great white shark through their window! Yeah… a shark. It gets better! The shark targets Matt and chases him around the apartment until smashes out of the window. Hannah wants to know what’s going on and Matt tells her to hide.
Matt heads to Prof B’s house in the suburbs. As he waits to talk to him, Matt walks around the house and finds a shrine dedicated to Jenny’s photos and stuff. Prof B shows the rock that he has that he will use to drain G-Girl’s powers. G-Girl’s nemesis wants to use Matt to draw her out and get her to him. Matt goes to Jenny with roses while she is at the art gallery. Jenny’s still pissed off at him but Matt begs her to come back and she does. They set up a date at his place for seven o’clock.
Ugh it's a three-way date from Hell: Uma Thurman, Owen Wilson' brother and that guy from the Scary Movie films!
Jenny arrives and he is outside on the roof with a nice candlelit dinner and a huge present. Prof B is watching and listening from his van. Jenny tells Matt she knew he would take him back cause she knew he’d come back. Hannah goes to Matt’s apartment and sees the two together. She gets pissed off at Jenny. Vaughn suddenly shows up with tickets to a game and looks at the box. The girls start brawling and Hannah rips off Jenny’s wig. Everyone finds out that she is G-Girl. Vaughn opens up the present and the rock drains her powers.
Prof B comes out with his goons and begins to brag about his plan. Matt, for some reason, tackles the goons and everyone starts fighting. Everyone is trying to get to the rock. Jenny and Hannah both touch it and it explodes. Hannah crashes through a roof as Jenny gets her powers back. She attacks Matt but Hannah now has powers - and red hair! She used to be a blonde by the way. The two girls begin brawling. G-Girl throws Hannah through a huge billboard of her ex-boyfriend Steve. Hannah goes through his penis! How funny! G-Girls start strangling Matt but Hannah saves him. G-Girl throws a car at Hannah and the girls start brawling all over the place. Vaughn is nagging Matt to go to the game with him still.
There’s a fashion show going on and the girls smash into it. Matt stops them fighting. He tells Jenny that she knows the relationship wasn’t working out. He says she needs to go out with Prof B because he is crazy for her. Prof B says he loves her and Jenny’s upset. He says she made him like that when she ignored him. Jenny’s all girly now and she says she loves Prof B as well. Hannah and Matt leave and talk about her powers and stuff. Hannah jokes about him being scared.
Matt and Hannah go back to Matt’s place where they proceed to bang once more. Hannah gets on top of Matt and she starts rocking the bed. She rocks it so hard that she smashes through the wall into the next apartment! The next day G-Girl and Prof B are outside Matt’s apartment building. She returns his car from outer space and it’s all screwed up. There’s trouble and G-Girl and Hannah decide to work together from now on. Matt and Prof B decide to go out to a pub while they wait.
And there you have it, a crappy comedy featuring Uma Thurman at her best. They really need to stop casting her in any superhero movies since she is the killing factor of it. I guess I shouldn’t be so harsh – everyone else in this movie sucked as much as she did. There will be more on that in a few days when I post my Final Thoughts on this movie. Until then, take it easy Bucket Heads and watch out who you are dating – they might turn out to be Uma Thurman.
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