The Bucket Presents: Little Man.
June 30th 2008 14:57
Category: L
If someone delivered a baby to me that looked like that, I'd throw it straight into the bin.
The Wayans Brothers – I’m sure everyone has heard of one of them by name. These are the guys who you can all blame for starting off the damn ___ Movie spoof chain. It started off with Scary Movie, then Scary Movie 2, follow by another two then Date Movie, Epic Movie blah blah blah… you get the picture. They are a very big family and fortunately there is one member of the family who is funny and that’s Damon Wayans. This review isn’t about him, it’s about his two other three brothers: Keenen, Marlon and Shawn.
What could these three brothers have done to incur the wrath of the almighty Bucket? Two years ago, on a damning day before my very own birthday (this is the Australia release I’m talking about), a movie was released called Little Man. One brother directed it, one brother wrote and acted in it, and the other brother just stared in it. The movie was terrible and these three people ruined my birthday. I didn’t see the movie on my birthday, I had to celebrate my birthday with tears running down my face knowing a bad movie was released near my birthday.
On that note awesome movies normally come out on the week of my birthday in Australia. Sin City was released on my birthday (best present EVER) and a few days after my birthday, The Dark Knight is going to come out! I loved Sin City, I am going to love The Dark Knight but LITTLE MAN!? I saw the previews and knew it was going to be as bad as White Chicks - another reason why the Wayans Brothers piss me off. I’ll save that for another day though, for now Bucket Heads strap yourselves into a booster chair, get a nice warm bottle of milk and get ready as we take a peek at a big bad little movie…
Aww doesn't he look like a cute little baby? Too bad doctors can't give you medicine to make bad movies like this funny unless they give you weed...
The movie begins with a prisoner getting released. We see a big, powerful shadow looming and when the doors finally open, we are treated to a badly CGI animated midget called Calvin. His friend Percy arrives to pick him up and opens the door into his face – because stuff like that is very funny! As they are driving Percy tells Calvin he is a rapper now and plays his version of “Candy Shop” called “Butcher Shop.” This movie is turning out to be like “Bucket Shop” – see what I did there!? Yeah I know I’ll shut my mouth and keep going.
We meet Darryl who is setting up a celebration with a band as he waits for his fiancé Vanessa to arrive. She arrives and Darryl jumps the gun thinking she is going to say she’s pregnant. The band starts playing but Vanessa just tells him that she’s getting a promotion. Darryl is upset about not having a kid and Vanessa lays down the law about having a kid – like changing his lifestyle. Darryl wants to “celebrate at home” but Vanessa doesn’t like “celebrating” in the same house that her father, Pops, lives in.
Calvin and Percy decide they are going to rob a jewelry shop. Calvin hides in a sports bag and walks over to a large diamond. One of the jewelry store workers is some posh looking lady who starts acting like she’s been living in the Bronx for her whole life. While Calvin is in the bad stealing the diamond, the dog of an old, fat rich posh lady enters it. Calvin and Percy run out and throw the dog out of their car. The car has been locked down by some asshole parking inspector and the two take off on foot. Calvin runs into a store to avoid the cops, and Darryl and Vanessa are in the same store. Calvin drops the diamond inside Vanessa’s bag while the cops beat down Percy, then release he is the wrong shade of black. Darryl and Vanessa leave the store as Calvin and Percy follow them.
Two grown men enjoying a nice glass of warm breast milk, seriously!
We go to a nice suburban area where Darryl and Vanessa live. Vanessa tells Pops about the promotion and he is happy for her, and wants her to dump Darryl. Pops makes fun of Darryl and his sperm as Calvin watches on from the window. Percy wants to bust in and get the diamond but Calvin wants to be careful. Calvin dresses up like a baby and they dump him on the steps. A dog comes along and tries to grab the blanket. It pisses on Calvin and Darryl comes out. Calvin acts like a baby so they pick him up and smell the piss on him.
Darrel and Vanessa bring Calvin inside and Pops says it smells like piss. As they go to change Calvin’s diaper they are stunned by the size of his umm… pistol. They call Child’s Services and it doesn’t open until Monday. Pops wants to throw the baby back outside, Vanessa wants to call the police so Calvin begins crying and making out he is sick. Darrel takes it to the doctor with Vanessa and the doctor checks him out. They find out Calvin has a tattoo, his appendix has been removed, and he has screwed up teeth. Darryl wants to keep him until Monday and while he argues with Vanessa, Calvin runs off with the bag. A cop catches him and hands him over to the wannabe father.
A mafia guy is playing pool and Percy is talking to him about the diamond. The boss, Mr. Walken, gives Percy twenty-four hours to get the diamond back. Pops is sitting down with his milk and cookies. Calvin goes for some cookies but Pops takes it from him. As Pops argues with Darryl and Vanessa, Calvin rubs the cookie down on his penis and between his butt. Pop eats it. Some white friends of Darryl and Vanessa come over and everyone thinks the baby is ugly. One of the guys goes to give him a five so Calvin belts his hand. The other does the got your nose thing, so Calvin goes to rip his nose.
Their friends bring baby clothes and toys for Calvin and one of the wives is a hot blonde with massive boobs. Calvin acts like a baby, gets placed on her knees then he starts slapping her breasts. He wants breast milk, so the other wife of the other man there (she isn’t attractive at all), breast feeds him. As everyone leaves for the night, Calvin begins tonguing the hot blonde wife. Calvin has a bubble bath and Vanessa asks if he wants a company, so Darryl gets in. Darryl farts in the tub. Vanessa starts blowing on his stomach and Calvin tries to move her head to his “pistol”. Darryl and Vanessa wrestle and pin down Calvin so they can ram the thermometer up his ass. We’re about thirty minutes into this rubbish and I’m already getting tried of it.
Darryl is going to the park to spend time with his fugitive little kid. That's one hell of a Kodak moment right there.
Darryl and Vanessa put Calvin in the cot and play a mobile. Calvin talks about getting his diamond and going. He ends up dozing off and falls asleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night and gets the bag. He gets the diamond and jumps off the desk, waking up Darryl. Calvin makes the phone call to Percy and Pops walks in with a shotgun aimed at Calvin. Darryl comes in and tells off Pop but he thinks he is a fake baby. Calvin flips off Pop. Darryl boils up some milk and talks to Calvin while Vanessa listens in. Vanessa tells them he is drinking the breast milk. Calvin and Darryl spit it out. They go to bed and Calvin watches on as they make out.
The next morning Vanessa is up feeling great because she and Darryl did the dirty deed twice. It turns out that Calvin screwed her instead… yes that’s right. Calvin watches Barney, Pops switches it to the news and Calvin screams for Barney to distract him. Calvin uses that slingshot chair thing to steal the grandfather’s breakfast as he reads the newspaper. Pops gets pissed off and goes to the diner. Vanessa heads off to work and Darryl feeds Calvin. They play peek-a-boo. Calvin knocks him out with a pan and goes to head out but Vanessa comes back inside. He hides the diamond and puts Darryl on the couch. Darryl wakes up and doesn’t remember what happened.
They go to the park and play some baseball. Calvin hits the baseball into Darryl’s nuts. They use a rocket pump toy, so Calvin fires it into Darryl’s nuts. They throw a plane up into the air; it comes back and nails Darryl in the nuts yet again! All these nut hitting jokes are so damn funny they had to water it down! The white dads are at the park and talk about how their kids could kick their asses. Darryl talks about doing stuff he never did and Calvin beats the children in a game of craps. Darryl goes to buy ice cream while the wives of the white guys look after Calvin. Percy comes for Calvin, so all the mothers in the park beat the crap out of him.
Calvin wants the keys and throws a fit, keeps kicking Darryl in the shin. Darryl gives him the keys and Calvin drives off. Darryl gets the world’s most aggressive mother to follow him. The cops chase them and the mother is on the phone, driving into oncoming traffic. More cops join in on the chase. The mother does her make up while she drives. She screams at her kids, and then gets in the back while she changes the nappy. Darryl is crying and the mother thinks he is upset about the baby. The cops spike Darryl’s car and Calvin climbs in the back. Darryl is more worried about Calvin than his car. Aww how sad. If that were me I’d see if my child was ok, THEN I’d beat the crap out of him for pulling off something like that!
Your child's first step. Your child's first word. Your child's first illegal gambling game. Moments like that lasts forever.
Percy delivers a bag he stole from one of the mother’s at the park, thinking it was Calvin’s bag with the diamond, to Mr. Walken. It’s a diaper bag, like a dirty nappy so he wants Percy to get the diamond back or die. Darryl tapes up Calvin and has cameras watching him to prevent him to escaping. Darryl and his friends take him to an ice hockey game instead. Calvin gets the diamond and hides the diamond in his mouth, then swallows it as Darryl comes around the corner. At the game Calvin drinks a guy’s beer. The woman selling beer to the crowd passes by, Calvin comment on her nice ass, so she beats Darryl thinking it was him. Calvin says she’s a tramp, so she dumps beer on Darryl The guy next to Darryl thinks he is thinking his beer. A hockey player gets sent off, Calvin hurls a cup at him, and Darryl gets belted for it. Calvin lunges at the hockey player and bites his ear.
Darryl talks about being a bad dad and decides to throw Calvin a big birthday party. Barney is there and Calvin tells him to piss off because he has a hang over and he’ll kick him in the nuts. Calvin and a bunch of children beat the crap out of Barney. Pops finds out that the baby is really the criminal. One of the dads wants to have a football game the other one doesn’t. They agree to do it. The tough one beats the crap out of him while his wife (the hot blonde one) acts like a cheerleader. The guy beats up everyone. Calvin gets pissed off and the other team fights back. Calvin destroys the tough dad and the team wins.
They sing happy birthday to Calvin and he is upset that everyone cares about him. Pops comes up and gives him a teddy bear. Percy knocks on the door and tells Darryl he is the father of Calvin. Darryl gets pissed off at him and beats the crap out of him for treating Calvin badly. Walken’s goons watch on and now know where the diamond is being kept. Vanessa doesn’t know jack about motherhood but one of the mother’s tells her it’s awesome. After hearing that, Vanessa wants to become one. What a bitch. Someone had to tell her it was awesome. I see she is just going to follow the latest craze of having babies. It seems like it’s the latest thing to do in high schools these days. Calvin takes a bottle of medicine to make you crap, and takes a huge dump.
Vanessa changes his nappy, finds the diamond and thinks it’s the diamond Darryl got for Vanessa’s empty engagement ring. They go out for dinner leaving Calvin with Pops. Pops throws Calvin around and launches him into the ceiling. Calvin punches him in the nuts. Calvin tells Pops he is going to get the diamond to save Darryl and Vanessa. Pops gets pissed off at Calvin for tricking them and wants to fight him. Vanessa tells Darryl she wants to adopt Calvin. They get home and find Pops strangling the baby. He gets dragged off to a nursing home. Vanessa puts Calvin to bed and Darryl checks the teddy bear, and it turns out it was actually a hidden camera. Darryl watches the footage and discovers the truth about Calvin.
The bat is as big as Calvin just as my patience for this movie is as short as him. Coincidence!? Me thinks not!
Vanessa takes off to see her father, and Calvin takes off with the diamond. Calvin is in the car with Percy and he says he told them Darryl was his partner so the goons are going after them. Calvin goes after them and Mr. Walken and the goons go to the house. Calvin comes back dressed up as a baby and one of the goons takes the son upstairs. The huge goon puts him to bed and the baby beats him up with a bat when he switches the lights off. Lights on, baby asleep, lights off attack, lights on baby asleep. Repeat this for the next two minutes and assume viewers are laughing their asses off. Mr. Walken beats up Darryl as the big goon falls down the stairs. Darryl gets out of the goon’s grasp. The other goon goes after Calvin he fires the rocket into his nuts, oh that joke never gets old, then cracks the goon over the head with a golf club.
Darryl’s in the basement and puts on those huge Hulk gloves. He beats the crap out of Walken and picks up the gun with the gloves. Walken takes the gun from him and leads him back to the house from the garage. Calvin is on the slingshot chair and launches himself at the goons. He beats them up, and Walken comes back with Darryl and sees his goons out cold. They go to the living room and Calvin is playing with the plane. He throws it. It flies around the house and nails Walken, you guessed it, in the nuts! Calvin grabs the gun and aims the gun at Walken. The cops come, arrest the bad guys and Darryl makes Calvin (acting like a baby still) hand over the diamond. Darryl gets a $100,000 reward.
Calvin and Darryl shake his hand and make up for all the trouble that happen. Darryl said it was nice to have a son, and Calvin says it was nice to have a dad. Calvin heads out and gets upset about leaving him. Calvin wants to know if Darryl will miss him but he won’t. Calvin walks out crying. Darryl steps outside and offers him a glass of milk. They decide to go to a bar instead.
So there you have it Bucket Heads an unfunny movie by the Wayans Brothers – why should we be surprised at all huh? It could have been a lot worse, they could have managed to thrown in a few Scary Movie, Epic Movie and Meet The Spartan scenes in there. We would have gotten a bigger pile of crap but I am more than happy with this heap. Apologises for this post being a bit late as well, my internet crapped out and I’m currently hooked on my Monkey DVD set. Until Friday I hope you all take care of yourselves and enjoy the week.
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Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
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Fat Cult
Techbreak
I don't know how you did this one. It looks awful. One thing, though: when I was a teenager, I loved watching the Wayans' "Don't be a menace while drinking your juice in the hood" or something like that.
Terrible parody stuff, I guess. Was it any good?
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
There was an episode where people were hanging themselves from trees after losing everything they had to gambling. It was funny, yet screwed up, listening to people talk about how they were going to cook and eat up humans. It's a great show but and I love it
This movie wasn't any good at all. It was your typical, predictable bad comedy movie with a lot of watered down jokes that weren't funny to begin with. I'm still confused as to why they would CGI impose someone's head on a midget/child to begin with. Why not just have the midget play Calvin to begin with?