Lake Placid – Synopsis
August 5th 2008 08:42
Category: L
To think: if this sweet old grandmother didn't have the most vile mouth I've ever heard of - this movie would suck 100%. Instead it sucks 99.99%. This is a good example of what happens when someone mixes together two conflicting genres..
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Once upon a time there was a little lake in the middle of nowhere. A diver, who is a beaver researcher… wow that job title sounds so dirty… anyway there’s a researcher who is out on a boat with Sheriff Hank. While Hank stuffs his face with a Twinkie, the diver gets mauled by something under the water (it’s a giant crocodile in case you were wondering). The diver is splashing around crying for help and Hank tries to research him. Hank pulls the diver onto the boat, and he is missing a pair of legs.
We go to a museum and the chick who plays the female detective from Law & Order: SVU is trying to comfort a dinosaur expert Kelly Scott. Kelly just broke up with her boyfriend, their boss, and it turns out Detection Benson was the one cheating on her. Wow that’s pretty tight. Back at the lake town Hank is talking with an animal expert called Jack Wells. Hank thinks a bear mauled the diver. He shits himself when he looks at the dead body.
Back to the museum Kelly is being sent to the lake to investigate the attack on the diver. Apparently, dinosaurs are related to whatever attacked the person (it was a crocodile but they don’t know that yet). Kelly says she doesn’t wanna go… but she ends up going. Her pilot is trying to be nice to her but she is being a total bitch.
Jack and Hank meet with Kelly and they take her to the morgue, and Kelly asks if this is where the dead guy is. She wants to look at the dead guy and says she is brave. When they show her the body, she begins to freak out. Hank and Jack are wondering why the hell a dinosaur expert is over here. They take her to the wood where she begins spraying the air against insects. Jack is trying to calm her down and she threatens to sue but because he called her “Ma’am”. Yeah… right…
The group visits an old woman leaving near the lake called Mrs. Bickerman. She gives them cookies and says that she killed her husband. It’s ok folks, she only killed him because he is a sick, dying man. Jack says they are going to camp in the woods overnight and Kelly refuses as there is no toilet. Hank and Jack hate Kelly because she is a stupid city girl. The three go out into the lake and Hank finds a moose’s hand in the water. He throws it onto the boat and Kelly slaps him around, threatening to sue him again.
They set up camp with the other cops and Kelly wonders if she is going to get raped in the wood. The cops are asking why Kelly is even here and I completely agree with them. A helicopter lands and inside is Hector Cyr, some famous expert on crocodiles and good friends with Kelly. Hector thinks there is a massive crocodile in the area but Hank says that’s not true because crocodiles “don’t swim in salt water.” Funny… isn’t there a species of crocodile called “Salt Water”?
The group head back out onto the lake and Hector has some technical equipment with him. Hector tells Hank he is fat. Kelly gets knocked out of her boat and just when you think she is going to get eaten, nothing happens. We’re back on dry land and Kelly is getting pissed off at her ex-boyfriend over the phone for sending her here. Hank finds a human toe and Hector states it is a crocodile’s doing as there are worms in the soil? Yeah I don’t get it either.
It’s nighttime and everyone is partying in Hector’s tent, and Hector claims it’s to lure the crocodile into a trap. Kelly is talking to Jack by the lake and blames her boss for sending her here. Hank gets up to take a piss and there’s something’s out there. Hank checks it out and it’s just Hector laying traps around. Hector tells Hank the longer he lives the more sex he can have with his sister. Hector states that crocodile are worshipped more than Jesus, and Hank falls down a hole set by Hector as a trap! That’s funny stuff!
Morning comes and everyone it out on the lake again. Hank and Hector get into more stupid arguments. Jack and Hector fall into the lake and the crocodile comes after them. Kelly gets knocked out of the boat and bubbles are coming towards her! Hank gets the boat started up and race towards her. It’s not a Crocodile, its Jack! I was wrried for a minute. Everyone is pulled back onto the boat and is safe, expect for one of the cops who has his head bitten off by the crocodile! Wow that was so crappy.
Everyone’s sad about the death of the random guy and it seems Hector and Hank have made peace, until Hector makes fun of the dead guy. Hank tells Hector to piss off, and then gets caught in another trap. As the two are fighting, a bear comes out and attacks them. As things couldn’t get anymore random, the gigantic lake crocodile comes out and grabs the bear.
Hector states it is a huge Asian Crocodile and doesn’t want to kill it. Hank and Hector get into yet another fight and Hank decks Hector with a punch. Jack gets a random cut on his arm so Kelly bandages him up. They flirt around a bit and she says the two should go to bed together, but she really meant to say “we should get some rest”. Yeah I’m sure you did; play dumb you dirty little whore. Hector is watching crocodile videos with Hank and he says the only enemy of crocodile… is MAN!
Everyone is out the next day looking around for the crocodile and Kelly is continuing to be an annoying bitch. She freaks out when she finds the cop’s head. The group finds Mrs. Bickerman feeding the massive crocodile. They talk to her and it turns out she kept it as a pet after it ate her husband. Hank asks if she killed her husband and Mrs. Bickerman replies, “If I had a dick this is where I’d tell you to suck it.” Mrs. Bickerman doesn’t want anyone to kill the crocodile because it hasn’t done anything wrong.
Meanwhile Hector is wanting to go into the water to swim with the crocodile, (he has a fetish for doing it), and the female cop doesn’t want him to go in, even offering herself to him. Mrs. Bickerman gets pissed off she is being placed under house arrest and calls Hank, “Officer F**k-Meat.” The female cop is scared about Hector and the crocodile shows up/. Hector panics and tries to escape in his helicopter but the crocodile leaps up and grabs it. Jack and Hank come, shoot at it and the helicopter flies off.
Jack gets pissed off at Hector for doing something stupid and Hector gets pissed off at Jack for trying to kill the crocodile. Hector tries to convince everyone the crocodile spoke to him and he doesn’t want them to kill he crocodile. Kelly asks the cops what they are going to do and Hank wants to kill the crocodile. Hector manages to convince Jack not to kill it so they set up a trap in the lake, using one of Mrs. Bickerman’s cows. The old woman wants the crocodile to kill them all.
Nighttime comes around and there is still no crocodile. When all looks lost the crocodile comes up and brings down the helicopter that was hovering over the lake with the cow. Hector jumps out of the helicopter and the crocodile goes on land. It runs at Kelly and knocks her into the water as everyone begins to shoot at it. Kelly swims to Hector but gets her leg caught. As the crocodile is about to chomp her up, Kelly is lifted up onto the helicopter. The copter crashes and the crocodile gets trapped under it.
Everyone feels sorry for it and doesn’t want to kill it, so Jack fires a tranqualiser into it. Suddenly, a second massive crocodile comes out but Hanks blows it away with a grenade launcher. People come to collect the large crocodile and amazingly, the cow manages to survive the ideal. Hector gets taken to hospital and he rides with his new friend, Hank. Kelly and Jack part ways, but Kelly has a change of heart and decides to ride with Jack. Next day, Mrs. Bickerman is feeding a bunch of baby crocodiles. Don’t worry people, they haven’t made a sequel to this movie… yet…
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