Lake Placid - Part 5
January 18th 2008 01:49
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So let me ask you a question: Why would you send in a tour guide from a museum who hates nature to investigate the vicioius murder of a person in the woods?
If you have been following this website from the beginning you would recall the first movie that I reviewed was Catwoman. During this review I introduced you to a character called Sally who I declared was probably the most annoying female character in a movie ever invented. After watching this movie there is another who has stolen the crown from Sally. Ladies and gentlemen, Bucket Heads around the world, allow me to introduce to you all:
KELLY SCOTT, QUEEN OF THE ANNOYING!!!
Oh boy did she drive me insane during this movie. Let’s take a look at Kelly’s journey throughout the movie shall we.
Ms. Scott is a paleontologist, that’s someone who studies dinosaurs in case you don’t know. Kelly was going out with the old guy who runs the museum where she works only to find out that he is cheating on her with her best friend, who is played by Mariska Hargitay from Law & Order: SVU. Kelly is really pissed off about what happened, as anyone would no doubt, so to get her out of his hair her ex-boyfriend ships her off to investigate the murder of a man at Lake Placid.
Yes, instead of having the town’s local police or getting Muller and Scully in, they decide to send in an expert on dinosaur to solve the mysterious murder at the lake. Don’t get me started on how stupid this sounds. Why would you even send some museum tour guide to go investigate something like that? This is where we start to see Kelly turn into a huge annoying bitch. She is traveling to the site and her pilot is trying to have a friendly conversation during the boring trip but she completely jumps down the poor guy’s throat. If I were him, I would have kicked her out of the damn plane and let her get her own way to Lake Placid.
She lands and meets Sheriff Hank and Jack Wells, played by Bill Pullman. She is taken to the morgue and starts freaking out when she sees the dead body. She tries to act brave and tough before looking at the body a second time only to break down and panic again when she glances at the tore apart corpse. Pullman gets very annoyed and asks the same question we are all wondering, why the hell did they sent someone over to investigate that works in a museum?
They take Kelly out to the lake to show her around and she complains about the bugs in the wood before proceeding to spray the area with fly-spray. Yes she is trying to get rid of all the flies and bugs that are living in the woods. When Jack tells her to calm down she threatens to sue him for calling her ‘ma’am’ saying it was a form of sexual harassment. What a damn bitch. Jack should have just shot her on the spot and fed her to the crocodile in the lake.
She then complains about having to make camp and sleep in a tent over night in the woods as well which pisses off Jack and the sheriff even more. What a damn crybaby. What makes this even worse is that she starts getting paranoid that the men in the camp are going to rape her. No I am NOT making this up. She thinks this is going to turn into a bad horror movie scene when the men rape an innocent woman in the middle of the camp, which is what naturally happens on any camping trip. She’s too late but since she is already staring in a bad horror movie.
As the day moves on Kelly makes a phone call to call someone a “f***-shit” so not only is she annoying but she can’t insult people very well. Jack tries to talk to her to claim her down, and she rants on about throwing stones across a lake when she was a little kid. Jack doesn’t care and continues to ask why the hell the museum sent someone over to investigate. I’m telling you it’s like the director placed the character of Jack Wells to project the viewers’ thoughts.
The sun rises for a new day and everyone goes out to look for the crocodile. Kelly gets a moose head throw at her then the crocodile tips her boat over. Don’t get your hopes up she just gets back inside it and the crocodile just kills a random person. Jack gets a cut so Kelly decides to bandage it up for him leading to a minor bonding moment between the two. Kelly stumbles around with her words making her say “Let’s go to bed together” when she really wanted to say “Let’s get some rest”. Yeah… I’m sure that’s what you meant to say you filthy woman. The one time she seems normal is quickly forgotten when another head is hurled at her. She panics, people tell her to calm down but she tells them to back off and threatens to sue them for touching her. She needs some help, either get her to see Dr. Caine or plough a sledge hammer into the side of her head.
After this we just hear Kelly start complaining about everything in the woods, from ticks to the timber she is meant to be allergic to. She then takes part in the final battle between the police force and the gigantic crocodile. At this point the crocodile has had enough of that bitch’s annoying attitude and decides the world would be a better place without her. He knocks her into the lake and swims after she and it appears that Kelly can hold her breath perfectly fine for over three minutes. Unfortunately she survives the ordeal and for some unknown reason decides to go home with Jack Wells. I don’t know what he was thinking in taking her home, maybe he was looking to seduce and kill her before getting rid of her body through one of those big tree mulching machines.
So there you have it people Kelly Scott, probably the most annoying character in a movie. I really hate it when Hollywood allows the really annoying ones to live. She was just so annoying it really made me want to turn off the movie but thank god for Betty White, who proved that no every movie can be ruined just from hearing some loud mouth, annoying bitch complain about everything.
I really don’t know where the directors were going with this character. If she was so damn annoying from the start why didn’t the sheriff just tell her to piss off? Does a county sheriff not have say over a museum? Why the hell would a museum send someone from their staff to investigate a murder? If anything investigators would have just turned up for the museum for a bit of information and that’s it. Why does Kelly have to be so damn bitchy towards everyone who is trying to be nice? Alright so her boyfriend cheated on her that doesn’t mean she can turn into such a huge bitch about it and threaten to sue people just for calling her “ma’am”. It’s better than being called whore.
And why the HELL did she have to be so damn annoying and complain about everything? She complained about bugs, she complained about camping out in a forest without toilets and god damn it, she even complained about the risk of getting RAPED by people in the camp. It sounds like this chick needs to chill out and get drunk. Sure, if she got drunk in the camp it might have lead to her getting fondled around like she feared but if she was drunk she probably would have been a lot cooler. I really wish the crocodile had killed her in this movie as it would have would have saved it.
That was our final part on Lake Placid. I’ll be doing my usual weekly wrap up of the movie with my final thoughts tomorrow.
Sue someone for calling you ma’am. It’s funny cause she was kinda right, with today’s laws someone probably could sue someone and win for that remark.
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