Bucket Movies Presents: Lady In The Water
February 1st 2009 07:35
Category: L
Don't worry she isn't going to die in fact, she lives happily ever after. Did I spoil it too early? I'm sorry, just taking a page out of M. Night Shyamalan's book.
The key to a good movie in my opinion is not spoiling it to the audience. You don’t want to tell them what’s going to happen exactly as it is, or even ruin the “surprise” at the end of the movie by hinting it early on. You know who is guilty of doing this? M. Night Shyamalan.
Does the name sound familiar? He had a huge successful hit with a movie called The Sixth Sense. Remember that? It was that awesome movie with Bruce Willis and the kid who sees dead people. Man that movie had a f***ing awesome ending and a twist no one saw coming. When I saw the ending I thought it was the best twist ever in a movie… until I watched the Usual Suspects… and then I saw Saw 1. I saw Saw or seen Saw? Hmm… oh yeah where was I?
So after The Sixth Sense Shyamalan really never had anything as good. He then started up a very, VERY, annoying “trademark” of appearing in his movies right at the start with a line that basically gives away the rest of the movie. One day, Shyamalan decided to do something different when he filmed Lady in the Water. Instead of giving himself a minor role to ruin the movie, he decided to cast himself in a bigger role and destroy the movie. What he was thinking at the time I do not know but what I do know is that Lady In The Water has to be one of his worst movies yet. Let’s take a look shall we Bucket Heads?
Don't be alarmed - Cleveland isn't a pedo... at least I don't think he is. He's got that crazy look in his eyes!
We start off with a story about how man and water were linked together a long time ago. Man was part of water but Man went to land and forgot about all about water. Water leaves Man as Man becomes violent. Water tries to help out man but wolf-like demons attack them. Water still wants to help Man out but Man doesn’t want to listen to them anymore. There you go, that’s basically 80% of the movie right there. Now you can sit back for about two hours and watch it get dragged out.
We go to Cleveland Heep, who is the landlord of an apartment building, looking at some bug thing underneath a sink of a Mexican family. Every time he bashes it with a broom the five Mexican women scream. Cleveland kills the bug thing and the father of the family thanks him. Cleveland has a really bad stuttering problem by the way.
A new guy moves into the apartment called Harry Farber. Cleveland is showing him around and gets pissed off that someone’s been in the swimming pool. Cleveland tells Harry about some people who live in the building briefly, like Young-Soon Choi who is some punk-Asian kid studying at university. Cleveland leaves Harry and talks to the pool guy who is saying someone’s plugging up the filter with crap. Harry speaks to Reggie, who is some moron that is working on building up the muscles on one side of his body. That’s right. He has a skinny arm and leg on one side and a roided-up arm and leg on his other side. I know - the movie is getting stupid by the minute.
Cleveland and Harry walk past the apartment of a creepy man called Mr. Leads. He just stares at people all day and sits in front of his television. There’s also a lady with a lot of cats called Mrs. Bell. They pass an apartment home to five smokers, who smoke indoors but put their cigarettes onto the ashtray outside. I don’t know if that was an attempt at humour but it wasn’t funny. Cleveland finds out that Harry has been brought into the town to be the new local film and book critic. He slams the door in Cleveland’s face.
It’s nighttime and Cleveland is listening to his answering machine. He watches some TV before falling asleep. He wakes up to the sound of someone splashing in the pool. He checks it out and gets annoyed because no one is meant to be in the pool at night. He finds a necklace on the ground and places it on a chair. As he heads back to his house, a woman pops up from the pool and takes it before going back down. Cleveland orders her to get out of the pool but he doesn’t get a response. He begins walking into the pool, stuttering as he get more demanding, but can’t find the woman. He gets out, and begins running but slips and hits his head on the floor. That’s not a very good thing to teach children. He passes out and rolls into the pool.
Cleveland wakes up on his bed. The floor is wet and there’s a pasty white skinned ginger haired girl in his house. No, it’s not Nicole Kidman the movie is bad enough as it is. The chick starts ranting on about some awakening that’s going to happen and her name is Story. Cleveland talks to her and he is amazed that he isn’t stuttering. Story is scared and she wants to wait with him. She is crying so Cleveland says she can stay at his place for a bit.
Oh look Shyamalan is spoiling his future when people realise he's a bad director. Don't worry Shyamalan you're not "Uwe Boll Bad"...not yet...
Cleveland’s asleep on the couch and Story is asleep on him. PEDO!!! He says he is going to put her outside, get her some coffee and send her away. What an asshole. She says the word “Narf”. He picks her up and walks out. Something is growling at Story and a green wolf comes out. Cleveland walks over to it and Story wakes up, shitting herself all over Cleveland. Ok I made that up but right now I needed something to entertain both you and I. Cleveland turns around and runs back inside his house.
Cleveland is telling animal control about the wolf being green. The sprinklers go off. Story is inside Cleveland’s house still scared. She hears waters from the shower and starts running the water. Cleveland talks to Young-Soon about a bedtime story called Narf. She doesn’t remember it much and she talks to her mother, who gets really pissed off at Cleveland for some reason. The Narf is a story that is meant to be true. They are like sea nymphs who need to see a special human so an awakening can happen. After that, an eagle will carry it off back to the Narf world. Don’t worry I’m just as confused as you are about this.
Cleveland comes home and Story walks out of the shower naked. Cleveland asks if she is here to see someone and all Story knows about the person is that they are a writer. Her name is Story and she is looking for a writer… I get it! She says they’re going to, wait for it, write something important. Story says once she meets this person she can go home and Cleveland vows to help her. He begins talking to everyone in the building and asks if they are writing anything. He talks to Mrs. Bell, who was an author, and she plays with a butterfly. He talks to Mr. Dury who is a problem solving whiz and his kid, then speaks to the smokers. Young-Soon randomly pops up and tells Cleveland about the Sprunts – grass wolves that hunt down Narfs.
Story is picking up shiny items around Cleveland’s house. She begins to snoop around the place and finds Cleveland’s personal diary. Cleveland passes Vick and his sister Anna in the laundry. It turns out Vick is a writer and he has been - you won’t believe this - writing! Vick is played by the director by the way and he can’t act as much as can’t direct. Vick’s wants Cleveland to fix the globe in his room so he can start writing? Why wouldn’t he change it himself!? Cleveland fixes the light and sees his book titled “The Cookbook.” He returns to them and asks Vick what the book is about. It’s his personal thoughts on leaders and global issues. Sounds like a heap of crap if you ask me.
Young-Soon is a bad Asian girl who goes out at night and parties hard when she's meant to be studying. She also believes in fairytales... did I mention that as well?
Cleveland returns to his house and Story is telling him about his thoughts in his diary. It turns out poor Cleveland’s wife and children were killed and he used to be a successful doctor. She tells him he has a purpose. Cleveland tells Story that he knows who he is and lets Vick inside. He introduces him to her. They look at one another and it’s the awakening happens – which is just Story staring at Vick who is getting freaked out. Vick leaves. Story says tells Cleveland that his heart is very big from reading his diary. Cleveland tells Story that no one knows about his family or his past and wants to keep it that way.
Cleveland goes to Mrs. Bubchik to fix a toilet but someone fixed it already. It’s night and the sprinklers go off again. Story says she is going to visit the eagle and that Cleveland can’t watch her go back into the pool. They go outside. Story waves goodbye. Cleveland starts taking out rubbish. Story runs back inside and she’s all scratched up. Cleveland asks about the eagle. The Sprunt bursts its head through the door to get to her. They go up the stairs.
The two go to Vick’s place, who is working on his book using a typewriter? A f***ing typewriter? Who the HELL uses a typewriter anymore!? Cleveland leaves the apartment and visits Young-Soon, but her mother is home and she slams the door in her face. She gets Young-Soon on the phone and gives the phone to Cleveland. He asks her to ask her mother more about the story. Young-Soon tells Cleveland that Narfs have special mud can cure them. Sprunts aren’t meant to interfere with a Narf going home with an eagle and there are these things called Tarturick – ancient lore keepers who killed their parents when they were born because they are so evil! That’s REALLY evil!
Cleveland swims into the pool and finds a tunnel. There’s a bunch of stuff under in this lair. For some reason Cleveland can hold his breath for five minutes. There’s a door and he breaks the handle. He’s running out of breath, so he unscrews a pen and sticks it under these glasses of air Story has been keeping in her lair? I’m not going to bother trying to explain that crap. Cleveland gets a butterknife and manages to ply open a thick steel door… with a butterknife He gets the mud and heads back to the top. Young-Soon comes home and tells Cleveland ever now and then a Queen Narf appears which is why a Sprunt will break the rules to try and kill it. She says that in all stories nobody knows their true purpose. Young-Soon wants to believe that the stories are true.
Cleveland gives Story the mud. He tells Story she is very special and that the Sprunt is breaking rules to get her. Story looks in the mirror. Cleveland says he told someone about her. Vick and his sister enter. Vick says she did something to his thoughts that makes things clear. Story says she can tell the future. She says in the future there’s going to be a boy who is going to get ideas from Vick’s book. The boy is going to become the President of America and that Vick’s book is going to see many great changes. Wow, Shyamalan couldn’t have made himself sound anymore important huh?
The next day everybody is at the pool. Reggie is working out on one half of his body. Cleveland is at Young-Soon’s home eating cookies acting like a kid, because the mother wants him to be a kid for some reason. She laughs at him. He does this so she can tell him more about the story. Cleveland gets Anna to ask Story questions because for some reason, Story can’t “give away information directly” or some bullshit so they are going to use sign language. They find out she has to leave from the same spot she came in, and that there are humans with powers that will help her. The humans don’t know who they are but they have appeared in the story earlier one.
...do I need to comment about how stupid this picture is?
There are three types of people: a symbolist, a guardian and the guild. Cleveland figures out that he is the Guardian. The symbolist is someone who can see signs. The guild is made up of several people. Story also tells them that there is a healer who attracts butterflies and can call for the life force. All of these people are in the building. Getting bored with this movie? Trust me I lost interest the minute Cleveland was stabbing the bug underneath the sink of the Mexican people.
Cleveland talks to Harry about characters in a story. Harry tells him that a symbolist is someone who is good at puzzlers and a guild is a group of people who are always together. Moments later Cleveland brings everyone in to meet Story. Mr. Dury is the Symbolist, Mrs. Bell is the Healer and the group of smokers is the Guild. Everyone is finding this hard to believe, and I’m finding it hard to believe that Cleveland managed to convince them all to go. Mr. Dury looks at the words connecting together in his crossword puzzle, and somehow gets an idea to hold a huge party to confuse the Sprunt so that Story can go home. The guild is going to organize the party. Umm… I’m just going to keep going before I lose myself in confusion ok?
Cleveland is scared about Story’s departure. She tells him that one can only see the Sprunt through a mirror and the Guardian is a good fighter. So before she was using sign language and now she is straight out telling him? Make up your damn mind. Cleveland goes outside and faces the Sprunt. He says some ancient words and the wolf comes out of the grass. Cleveland communicates to Story via a walkie talkie. She tells him Guardian’s can hypotise Sprunt’s by looking into its eyes. It has no affect on it at all. Story starts screaming like a bad actress trying to scream.
Harry comes out and finds Cleveland on the floor. He tells the movie he just saw sucked. He must have just finished watching this movie! Ahahaha… ahaha… ha… I’m funny. Cleveland’s upset that he isn’t the Guardian and wonders when the Tarturick are going to punish the Sprunt for breaking the rules.
Young-Soon is with Cleveland asks why he doesn’t want to know about the stories anymore. Mr. Leads asks Cleveland if humans deserve to be saved. Mr. Leads knows about Cleveland’s family and past, and says he can’t hide. Mr. Leads says he knows something strange is going on here. Well that was random. Vick finishes his book and he asks Story about the dramatic change coming. He asks if someone is going to kill him over the book and Story confirms it. Anna comes in and they stop talking. Cleveland writes in his diary as the huge party gets underway. Story knows about Cleveland’s future but he doesn’t want to hear it. Story doesn’t know why she was chosen to be the Queen. She is scared. She says there is a storm someone and the eagle is on its way down.
Cleveland takes Story outside with Anna. She covers a light and looks for the Sprunt using her mirror in her makeup kit. They take Story to the pool and go to move everyone in. Anna drops her mirror and Riggie is watching on. Someone throws up, distracting some of the guild people allowing the Sprunt to move in. Everything that was planned becomes undone. Cleveland looks up and Story’s been dragged off. He runs off after her and takes her inside.
See what did I say? Story doesn't die! It would have made me happy knowing that the eagle ripped her apart as it flew it, but we can't get what we want all the time.
Mrs. Bell says Story is very weak but not dead as the Sprunt moves into the building. Mrs. Bell tries to heal her but its not working. Mr. Dury gets out the crossword and he can’t figure it out what’s going on. He says everything could be wrong because nothing fit in. Cleveland said he thought Harry knew what he was talking about. Harry goes into a hallway and the Sprunt makes the lights go out. Harry sees it and says this is like a horror movie. He says this is the part where an unpopular character is killed off. He goes on to say that that person will end up turning around and running out, escaping just in a nick of time. Harry turns around, and gets killed by the Sprunt. Well, that scene sucked.
Everyone is trying to figure out who everyone really is, starting with the symbolist. It turns out to be Mr. Dury’s little boy Joey. Joey starts telling everyone what to do… by looking at cereal boxes. From the boxes he states that the guild is made up of a bunch of women, a man of no secrets and someone who is respected. Vick’s alone in his room and he hears the wolf coming. The group of women includes the Mexican daughters from the start of the movie, Young-Soon and Anna. The man that has no secrets is Mrs. Bubchik’s husband… huh? The man that is respected by all is Mr. Leads… what? The party is still going but a storm is coming forcing everyone inside to enjoy the band.
Cleveland has everybody ready. The guild joins hands and nothing happens. Joey comes out and says he read it wrong. He says the healer isn’t a woman but a man. Mrs. Bell says that Cleveland is the Healer because; he brought butterflies with him to her apartment… just bare with me I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. The more this movie continues the more it spirals out of control. Cleveland is afraid but Mr. Leads tells him to shut up and try. He holds Story and starts crying about his family. Story becomes healed and she is paler than before, and gingerier.
Everyone walks outside to see Story off. She tells Vick that Anna is going to have seven kids and he will see the first two. The Sprunt is trapped inside but breaks the door down and goes after Story. Cleveland is in front of it and grabs a broom to fight it off. The Sprunt suddenly backs down. Reggie, who is standing behind Cleveland, turns out to be the Guardian. The giant eagle appears to take Story as the Tarturick appear. They are tall grass monkeys and beat the crap out of the Sprunt. Cleveland says goodbye to Story and the eagle takes her away.
The End… of this terrible movie and thank God as well. You gotta love a movie that drags itself out for over three quarters of the movie before cramming everything in at the end without any explanation at all. If you read this review and thought “Hey Mr. Bucket Head King did you forgot chunks of this review cause I think you skipped some parts?” the answer to that my dears no I did not.
I’m going to build up my anger and save it for my Final Thoughts Bucket Heads, I’m too pissed off remember how much time this movie made me waste. Those are the sacrifices I must make in order for you to be saved from horrible movies that make no sense like Shyamalan’s masterpiece of crap. Until then, take it easy Bucket Heads!
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