Lady In The Water – Final Thoughts
February 3rd 2009 22:44
Shyamalan used to ruin his movie with his trademark cameo appearance to give away the ending of the movie. Now, he is ruining his movies by casting himself as an important role. I forgot to mention the stupid plots that leave people more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. Disgusted? You should be! Here are my Final Thoughts for the train wreck that was Lady In The Water.
Shouldn’t he be stuttering?
You’re probably thinking “Hey Mr. Bucket Head King I’ve seen this movie before and the only reason that Cleveland didn’t stutter was when Story was around.” True, but did you notice Cleveland not stuttering randomly before Story was around or when she wasn’t around period? I know it’s just a minor thing to complain about but I really don’t like inconsistency in a movie.
If Cleveland’s meant to be stuttering all the time when Story isn’t around, then he stutters all the time. There were scenes when Cleveland would run out whole sentences normally and not stutter once. Then Shyamalan probably whispered “Hey idiot you’re meant to be stuttering” so the actor would go way overboard with the stutter for the next sentence. Again it’s a minor thing but characters should stick with their conditions, background history etc.
Just open your f***ing mouth to tell him what he already knows!
Furthermore, for some reason Story can’t directly tell information so they tell her to give her signs about information. You know why this annoyed the shit out of me? SHE SEEMS TO BE OK TELLING EVERYONE THEIR FUTURE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE GOING TO DIE!!! I mean what is the big deal about just saying “Hey, I gotta meet someone so I can go home, wanna help out?” That’s all she had to say. Instead she jerks her nose and tugs her ears when people say something right. Just open your mouth and tell them what the f*** is going on. It was a poor way to create suspense when the audience already knows the deal.
Damn talk about rushed.
Allow me to sum up the movie in a few sentences:
Ok here’s a guy who finds a girl in a pool and she’s actually part of a fairytale. Let’s tell the audience everything that is going to be happening in the movie in the first ten minutes and drag it out as much as we can. Now let’s add in a twist five minutes before the movie happens, reveal who everyone really is to everyone and send the Narf back home.
Sweet Jesus! I’ve never seen any movie rush an ending like that before! It was like I was in a crowded store that’s closing up for the day and all the workers are pushing everyone to the front. Due to this I grab as many things as I can before I get to the counter, and realize that I don’t even need most of the stuff I grabbed! I was confused because of all the pushing and shoving that was going on! That’s what I felt like was happening when I watched Lady In The Water!
The start of the movie dragged on relentlessly and somehow managed to last for over one hour. When it came time for the ending I thought “Oh good this piece of crap is about to end” but no, they decided to scratch everything that happened in the previous hour and add a bunch of new things to it. When they did this, it just added to the confusion. Speaking of which…
Ugh… what?
Nothing in this movie made any sense at all and when it did (slightly) I still didn’t understand it. This mass confusion happened in the rushed scenes towards the end of the movie. Ok, I get the general idea of the movie and these people that were set up for their “roles” to come later in the movie. We had a Guardian, a Symbolist, the Guild and a Healer. Everyone that was chosen at the start of the movie fitted the descriptions fine. The trouble starts when everyone suddenly doesn’t become what everyone thought they were.
Let’s start with the Symbolist. Everyone thought it was Mr. Dury who is a crossword whiz but it turned out to be his son Joey. Joey finds out what is going on by looking at a bunch of cereal boxes. A bunch of cereal boxes some how tells this kid what is going to happen? I wouldn’t have a problem with this had they actually shown had he got the information to begin with. So he says the Guild is made up of women – a that’s fair enough – but then states they need someone who they can trust and someone without secrets.
For some reason the creepy dude Mr. Leads that is always staring at everyone is the person they can trust? How? Because he knows Cleveland’s secret? I wouldn’t trust some man who constantly stares at everyone from his room. The man without secrets, I figured it has to be Cleveland maybe he’ll tell everyone about who he really is. No, it’s Mr. Bubchik who you’ve never seen ONCE in the movie. All you know about him is that he has a big mouth wife. THAT’S a man who has no secrets!? They could have been more creative with that crap.
The best part was the Healer who was really Cleveland and not Mrs. Bell. See Mrs. Bell didn’t summon butterflies, Cleveland magically does some how. Cleveland is confused by this and says he saw Mrs. Bell with the butterfly and Mrs. Bell basically replies with “NO YOU!!!” I got a place where they can stick their butterflies and all this bullshit…
Replace M. Night Shyamalan with I dunno… an actor?
I still do not know why Shyamalan thought it would be a great idea to cast himself in “major” role of a movie. By major I meant the importance of his character who - in this movie - is the key is HUGE changes in humanity. You know what that says about a director who casts himself for this role? Arrogance. You know who agrees with me? Every critic who reviewed this movie. The general consensus is that Shyamalan casting himself as someone of great importance was very arrogant of him and I totally agree.
Let’s move away from his character’s role in the movie to Shyamalan’s acting ability. As I mentioned in the review he acts as well as he directs – badly. If he acted as good as he directed The Sixth Sense maybe we would have seen something better. Instead Shyamalan just stared at his camera and said a few lines without any emotion or feeling. He was a zombie reading off cards as he stared blankly into his camera. One of the critics said it best when they said his performance was like “someone pouring petrol over their heads and setting fire to themselves.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Final Thoughts.
Lady In The Water is nothing more than a movie about a story that is explained in the first five minutes of the movie that stretches out for almost two hours. Like I said Shyamalan tried something different by giving away the outcome of the movie within the first ten minutes instead of giving it away in the first thirty minutes. You know what’s so stupid about this movie? This movie is actually based on a story Shyamalan told his daughters.
That’s right. The entire story about the Narf is from Shyamalan’s pathetic imagination. Shyamalan gets an idea from a movie from a crappy bedtime story he made up for his children. What to know what’s funny about this? Shyamalan apparently went to Disney, who produced four of his movies, and they knocked this movie back. Smart move by Disney, but not a smart move by Warner Bros who thought the movie had potential. It did have potential – to join the other shit movies that I have in my bucket!
I know Lady In The Water won’t be Shyamalan’s only movie floating out this bucket of crap Bucket Heads. I’m pretty sure that you’ll be seeing a few more Shyamalan movies plucked out and reviewed. Who knows, he might have as many movies on this website as Uwe Boll does!
Until my next movie take it easy Bucket Heads!
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