KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra - Part 1
February 17th 2008 23:12
Category: No Category
Don't worry Bucket Heads if you think you're reading one of my old posts, this movie is exactly the same.
Hello Bucket Heads I hope you’ve all had a very nice weekend. Now that the fun is over its time to start the pain as a new movie is pulled out fresh from the Bucket for your viewing displeasure. Where shall we start? Let’s turn back the clock as we remember a movie I reviewed a long time ago known as ‘Curse of the Komodo’. If you recall, I stated that the movie was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and it was so bad I had to watch it in twenty minute interval as I couldn’t sit through the whole thing. I figured nothing could be worse than this… right?
…but oh, oh how I was wrong. How I was so very wrong. The end of this movie hinted towards a sequel and to it is with great repulsion that I introduce you all to the dreadful follow up to the movie KvC: Komodo vs Cobra.
While reading this review you may stop to ask if I had just copied and pasted the previous post on CotK but trust me I did not do such thing. You will find out why as you read along. In fact you should play a little drinking game. Grab a few bottles of vodka or your favourite alcohol and take a shot every time you see a similarity between KvC and CotK. Let’s take a deep breath and dive into this pile of crap.
We begin with a group of three people running around being scared by the terrifying moo of the Komodo. We’re only two minutes into this crap and we get our first badly animated komodo dragon and it looks crappier than the ones in the other movie. The group run to a river and stop in their tracks. One guy tells them not to move and the komodo appears not to find them, but one idiot decides to run and he gets eaten in one bite. Yes it’s always logical to do the opposite of the one thing that is keeping you alive. The chick and the old guy swim underwater and the komodo can’t find them.
They pop up at a waterfall and swim to the surface. The old guy is trying to protect this chick who can’t act to save her life just like everyone else in this movie. The old guy tells her to look for firewood while he stomps the ground trying to find shelter… so he is going to dig a tunnel like a mole and live underground? Suddenly a gigantic, badly animated cobra emerges from the lake! The snake devours the old guy in one swift bite and disappears back under the water.
[B
If you can't tell from the horrible animation, the one on the left of a komodo dragon and the one of the right is a cobra.
Two badly animated animals within the first five minutes, you’d think it couldn’t get any worse but amazingly it does. I’m surprised I kept watching this horrible movie after seeing that as I know many people would just remove the DVD from their player and snap it in half, then realize the borrowed the movie from a video store so they had to pay for the damage. Anyway, the credits start to roll and the go on forever. I’m talking about five minutes of credits which made me wonder, if you had this many people working on a movie how did it manage to turn out crap?
The credits stop and we go to an army headquarter base they looks like it’s someone’s house on the outside. I wouldn’t be surprised it this WAS someone’s house and the director was too cheap to film it at a real location. A major walks into the general’s office and gives the worse army salute I’ve ever seen. Imagine the Benny Hill Salute only it’s not as funny. The major informs the general about not receiving contact from the island so the general sends in a team to check it out. Meanwhile at a tropical bar in the Caribbean a guy called Terry and his girlfriend Carrey are looking around for a pirate, only he isn’t a pirate when they find him he looks like an old army guy. His name is Captain Michael Stoddard and the two want him to take them to an island. Michael assumes that they either want to go fishing or want to bang on the beach, until Terry tells him about a certain island they want to go on. The Captain says no until Terry offers $10,000. Money talks people, oh how money talks.
There is a crew of people that are boarding the captain’s boat the next day and he is pretty pissed off. Wait a minute, one of the crew is the porn star from the first movie who played the daughter of the scientist, Rebecca. She is now playing Darla, she has a brother called Ted and there is a news reporter named Sandra and she has a cameraman with her. I have to point out these have to be the biggest losers that I’ve ever seen. They are all cracking lame jokes and either high-five one another or pat each other on the back. They are really excited about this little trip. The boat takes off and all the girls are in their bikinis straight away. We find out that Carrie is into Terry’s work in saving the world, so he is either a superhero or he’s part of one of those Greenpeace hippy groups. Terry is getting impatience and Michael is getting annoyed that Terry is getting impatient. Terry tells him he is here to expose the truth to the world and I really couldn’t care.
The boat stops and Michael tells them they are going to continue in the morning since there’s rocks and reefs up ahead. A few helicopters, badly animated ones not real helicopters, fly overhead the boat. There’s the group of soldiers that the General was sending onto the island. Wait a second, the guy leading them is the same guy who played that big jock moron Logan from the first movie. He is now playing Major Frank and he leads his team down on the island. It’s night time now and the group splits up into three parties. Suddenly, one guy gets pulled back by a pink whip! Maybe it was a tongue but it looked like a whip to me. Oh damn here is comes, the komodo! It runs after the man and squashes one under its badly animated foot. The men get finished off one by one until its down to Frank and his buddy. Frank throws C4 at the komodo who eats it and explodes… didn’t that happen in the first movie? Well they probably used the same bad explosion from that movie in here. A bigger komodo emerges and eats both men in one single bite.
The League of Extraordinary Idiots. From left to right: Ted, Darla, Sandra, some cameraman, Carrie and the leader of these morons, Terry.
The crew lands on shore and all that Sandra cares about is her news story. Carrie is worried about Terry going to jail for trespassing. Shouldn’t she have thought about that before she joined them as well? Terry says its going to be ok since they are all going to become famous but I thought the purpose of this was to ‘expose the truth’. The cameraman gets rolling and Sandra starts up her story. Seems like this hippy group is called ‘One Planet’ and they are here to investigate top secret government experiments! The captain hates everyone but only cares about the money so he goes along with them.
Back at the army headquarters the Major tells the General that the search team never contacted the base. The General wants photographs of the island to find out what is going on. Meanwhile back on the island our adventurers are walking around with some weird American high school band music that they play at football games playing in the background. Michael is getting annoyed because he is walking around but Carrie is ok and still looks perfect. Why you may ask? She was a former reality star on a Survivor-like show and she had to walk around an island… no I’m not making this up THAT is what she says. The komodo moos ferociously and Capt. Michael pulls out a gun. Terry gets pissed off that he has a gun, but for some reason Michael says he is now in charge. They start walking around again, and keep walking… God I swear they are using the same damn scenes from the first movie.
As our heroes are walking they stumble upon a cornfield with gigantic corns growing. Wow… genetically modified food that was what they were trying to create in the first movie. They stop for a few seconds to look at it, and begin walking around once more. They find a big house and it appears that this is the place where the experiments have been going on. The crew venture inside and the cameraman starts recording the suspense. They creep closer and closer to the front door and… it’s locked so they go around to the back and enter. Now if this place is meant to be the home to top secret military experiments this has to be the least secure and defended place I’ve ever seen. At least the lab in the first movie had those stupid electric fences.
The inside of the house is pretty nice but if this wasn’t a lab I’d be pretty pissed off if these hippy assholes came inside without me knowing. They look around the place and Sandra is pissed off about the huge let down. Terry gets pissed off at her and says he is right, which makes Michael get pissed off at Terry for trying to screw with the government. The army planes fly overhead and take photos of the area. Suddenly, the chick from the beginning of the film comes out with a gun, and she is pissed off they everyone is inside the house. Damn right! See I told you I would be pissed off if this was my home. The chick tells them to leave, but Terry refuses but decides they should go after the chick threatens to kill them on the spot. Meanwhile, the cameraman has gone outside for a smoke and finds another building. As he investigates he hears a loud hissing noise coming from the bushes. Out pops the gigantic cobra and here comes some terrible acting!
Don't stand around like this idiot and fire 1000 bullets a giant snake, it has no effect on it at all.
Everyone inside the house hears the cameraman yell for help as he runs around in a circle still holding onto his smoke. Michael dashes stupidly in to save him while the women stand around screaming like idiots. Michael fires what seems to be fifty bullets from the same clip but alas, the snake is unaffected and devours the cameraman in one swift bite. Michael aims dead straight and continues to fire as the snake heads off. Everyone is upset about the death of the cameraman, but me. Back at the army HQ the Major shows the photos to the General and says the pilots saw a giant rock that moved. The General is nervous so he orders video footage this time.
Sandra starts recording her news story while the actress who plays Darla shows us how bad she is at acting again with her moaning cry. Suddenly, the komodo emerges! The chick at the start tells everyone not to move which appears to work as the komodo just walks by. There’s always a stupid person in the group and Darla takes the prize this time. She moves and the komodo starts chasing them. Everyone starts running and I have to say, I have never seen people run so weird in my life. Their arms are flapping around like they were running around on fire or something. The chick has reaches a white barn and it is locked. Don’t worry people, she has dozens of keys and is trying each single one to unlock it. You normally see this crap in a cartoon. Anyway, Darla gets stomped on by the komodo so Michael and Terry grab their guns and start shooting one hundred bullets each. The chick finds the key, everyone runs inside and the komodo eats the annoying bad actress that he just stomped into the ground.
So what is going to happen next? Will they all be safe inside the barn or will the komodo smash through the building, killing them to put this terrible movie to an early end? Let’s find out.
[Click To Go To Part 2]
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Randomly in my local video store. It's amazing to see how many horrible movies are out there.