Bucket Movies Presents: I Am Legend
January 4th 2009 23:30
Category: I
Robert Neville is going to run around kicking the crap out of zombie ass in this movie... well had he done that this movie would have been a LOT better.
Well here we are again Bucket Heads! It’s a brand new year and I am back and more pissed off than ever before! Over the past few weeks I have been watching countless movies for this website, and I never thought that I would find so many piece of crap inside my very own home. Despite this disgusting insult and brutal attack, I have pushed on and I have refused to give in to the movie world’s worst!
So… it’s 2009. No doubt there’s been a ton of terrible movies that have been released in 2008. I thought it would be fitting to post up the very first movie that I watched during that year. Will Smith has been in a handful of good movies but the way people hype him up it’s like he is the greatest actor of all time. Yeah he is good, but he isn’t THAT good. When I Am Legend was released it sounded like it was going to be a pretty good movie. I mean all movies set during the “end of the world” are awesome right? …right?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. When I asked people who watched this movie if it was good they would showered me with comments about how awesome the movie was. So I’m thinking “Alright, everyone I know says it’s awesome. I think this movie is going to be awesome. Therefore, this movie will be awesome when I watch it.” I was on the correct path when I said this right? …right?
Not a good idea to sleep in a bathtub especially when you've washed your dog in it. Then again sleeping in a bathtub with your dog could say you're REALLY "animal friendly".
The movie starts off with a news report with the title “Cure to cancer found” or something to that. The news reporter asks the lead scientist on the project to explain the situation in a nut shell, as if the title of the news headline wasn’t enough? And forget about the simple explanation the new reporter asks for. All the scientist has to say is “We found a cure to cancer” and that’s it. Instead she craps on about replacing bad things with good things so she can get the most of her fifteen minutes of fame.
Three years pass and New York City is completely abandoned. Just when you think all of humanity has been destroyed, here comes an awesome car whose driver is recklessly speeding down the road. Inside is Robert Neville and his dog Sam. Robert drives around and scares off birds. He keeps driving around and begins chasing a group of deer (badly CGI animated by the way). He tries to use awesome drifting skills to get them but doesn’t have any luck. There’s a big road block that forces Robert and Sam to go on foot.
Robert is scouting through the tall bushes growing out of the NYC roads and takes aim at the deer with his high powered rifle. Instead some lions come out and kill the deer. These lions are badly animated as well. I’ve seen more realistic ones in the Lion King. The lions eat the deer and Robert thinks about shooting them, but he decides not too. Screw that! It’s not like he is going to get in trouble with PETA or anyone. The alarm on Robert’s clock goes off and he gets back in the car. Robert drives around as all those corporate companies get their signs advertised to the viewers.
Robert heads back to his place and begins spraying chemicals on the ground. Robert talks to his dog and feeds it a good serving of stir-fry. Why is he trying to hunt for deers then? If he is concerned about food he shouldn’t be feeding his dog all that crap and save it for himself. Hell, just kill the dog and eat it I would! Robert is watching old news reports from years ago. Robert gives his dog a shower and tells it off for not eating its vegetables. He plays Bob Marley songs and sings along. His watch starts beeping again and he looks scared. He finishes washing his dog and begins to lockdown his house with huge shutters and locks.
It’s nighttime and there’s a lot of screaming going on outside. It sounds like there is a huge human/monkey orgy going on. Robert sleeps inside his bathtub with his dog. A flashback happens of when everyone starts evacuating NYC. Robert gets his wife and daughter out of the house. They get in the car and start driving off. While Robert and his wife talk about the virus, his little bitch of a daughter only gives a shit about her Christmas presents. Robert says he is going to cure the virus no matter what and he isn’t leaving. A zombie jumps at their car.
Will Smith wonders what the hell was he thinking when he did this movie. I mean, Robert Neville wonders if he can cure the virus turning people into badly animated zombies.
Robert wakes up and he is now in his bed. I’ll just assume that a wizard magically teleported him to his bedroom because he knew that sleeping inside the bathtub would be bad for his neck. Robert starts working out by doing chin ups and running on a treadmill. All the women, and gay men, start screaming at Will Smith’s statue-like body. Hell, even I felt a bit girly just then. Ok, I didn’t. Robert heads down to the basement which is a high-tech lab full of supplies. He is still working on a cure for the virus by testing it out on the zombie rats. Only one of the rats is showing signs of being cured.
Robert heads outside, now driving his four-wheel drive, and heads to a video store – and for some reason he has to unlock this video store just incase someone breaks into it. There’s a bunch of mannequins set up all over the place and he talks to them. He returns a DVD and picks up another one. There’s a female mannequin in the corner that he is nervous to talk to. If he wants her so bad why doesn’t he just, you know, just take her? It’s not like she is going to fight back or anything. That less they fight back the better! Yeah I know I just lost half of my fans for that comment. Robert goes outside to pick corn then starts searching in apartments for any supplies. He finds a can of salmon and some alcohol.
Robert pumps his tires at a gas station and waits for contact at a port that he does everyday at noon. He plays golf off a harrier that’s on an aircraft carrier ship. Sam sees something in the distance and goes after it. Robert goes after him, and they both chase the deer Sam spotted. Sam follows it into a dark building and Robert starts panicking. He looks around for his dog and says he is going to leave him behind, but he is too much of a pussy to do that. He finds blood leading up to the stairs, sees the deer dead on the floor and goes upstairs. There’s money scattered all over the floor as well as a group of zombies standing in a circle.
Now these “zombies” do not look like zombies. They have to be the worst looking animated things that I have ever seen. They don’t look scary at all; they just look like a bunch of badly animated humans! Anyway these zombies are standing around in a circle… half naked… breathing heavily… use your own imagination now. Robert backs off, finds his dog and a zombie attacks him. He kills it and the others go after him. Robert leaps out of the fourth floor, (it was pretty high up at least I think it’s the fourth floor), and manages to live. The zombies who jump out after him don’t and get killed by the sunlight. Badly animated, and they’re the most pussy zombies I’ve ever seen. This virus really did f*** things up huh?
Robert sets up a trap and uses a vial of his blood as bait. He tells Sam to stay back because she can be infected. Robert’s immune to the virus so he can’t. The trap works and he catches himself a nice female zombie. A big zombie dude comes out and he is pissed off. Robert takes it back to his lab and experiments with the cure. She tries to lunge at him but she’s strapped to the table. She dies, Robert revives her and tests the cure. It fails and Robert gets pissed off. He wheels her off into a sealed room and blogs on the internet. He says he is immune to the virus again then says the zombies must be getting desperate for food because they came out into the sun. That, or the big dude is pissed off you just took his woman. Come on even I could see that coming.
There’s another flashback involving the evacuation. Robert comes to a roadblock so the family goes out on foot. They head to the port where people are getting off the island in NYC. Robert pushes everyone aside so his family can escape. Robert’s daughter passes an eye exam thing to see if she has the virus, but his wife doesn’t. Robert kicks up a hissy-fit and orders another scan that she passes. That’s REALLY nice to see that the only way you’re going to get a free pass when the end of the world comes is if you’re father or mother is part of the army. Robert’s family gets on the helicopter. Robert’s wife says a prayer and his daughter gives him Sam (a puppy at the time) before crapping on about butterflies.
Robert decides not to be happy he FINALLY has real people to talk to - instead he gets pissed off Anna cooked him a nice meal. What an asshole!
Robert wakes up and starts watching the old news videos again. It’s his birthday today. He starts walking around the city again doing a bunch of crap. As Robert is driving around again he sees one of the mannequins in the middle of the road. He starts screaming at the doll for being alive and shoots him. The thing is a trap by the zombies, and Robert gets caught in a trap. He smacks his head on the ground as he goes up and gets knocked out. See, the zombies aren’t stupid as you think huh? They still suck by the way.
Robert wakes up and it’s almost night. He cuts himself down, but stabs himself with the knife as he lands. HA! He drags himself to his car as the sun is going down. Alpha Male, that’s the big zombie dude, comes out with his zombie dogs. There’s a very thing beam of light that is separating them from Robert! A very VERY thin beam of light! JUST JUMP THROUGH IT!!! The sun goes down and the dogs charge in. Sam fights some of the dogs as Robert fends for himself. He kills them but Sam has been injured in the fight. Robert takes it home and comforts it, but the dog has been infected. As the dog turns he chokes it in a sleeperhold. Robert buries his dog, takes some pills, and heads to the video store. He wants the mannequin chick to talk back to him because he is all alone. He cries, and I laugh.
Robert goes out at night driving around, as usual. There’s zombies at the port. They go running at the end of the port. Robert drives at them and keeps mowing them down. He slams into a pole and the zombies bring it down onto the car. Robert drives off as Alpha yells at him. The zombies begin ramming the car until it flips over. Alpha comes at Smith but there’s a bright light that scares them all away. It’s a woman. She frees Robert and gets him into her car. Robert’s out of it, but not too out of it so that he can tell the woman exactly where he lives.
We get another flashback of Robert’s family in the helicopter. It takes off as bombs are getting launched all over the city, destroying the bridges. One of the helicopter spins out of control and slams into the helicopter Robert’s family is in. HA! IN YOUR FACE ROBERT!!! Take that for karma! See what happens when you only give a shit about your family instead of saving other innocent people!?
Robert wakes up and Shrek’s playing on TV. He looks around the house and gets a gun. He thinks it’s his wife and daughter in the kitchen, but it’s the woman who saved him and some young kid. Her name’s Anna and the kid’s called Ethan. Anna cooks Robert eggs and bacon. She tells Robert she heard his message on the radio about waiting at the port. She’s going to Vermont to a survivor colony. Robert starts getting pissed off at her about the survivors being dead, then gets pissed off that she cooked the bacon he was saving. Saving it for what – a nice breakfast to give his wife for her birthday? Oh that’s right she’s dead! I’m an asshole I know you can save me your praise.
Pissed off zombie, or a pissed off Will Smith fan thinking this movie was going to be good? You decide!
Rob sits in his bathtub for a while before going downstairs. Ethan is watching Shrek and he starts copying the lines of the movie. Robert talks to Anna. Anna wants to leave but Robert is being stupid and wants to stay in NYC. Anna says the zombies are smart but Robert doesn’t think so – even after they set up the damn trap for him? They go to a pool thing where the kid is swimming around. For some reason Robert gets the idea of chilling the female zombie with ice.
Robert talks to Anna about his daughter, who he name Marley. Anna doesn’t know who Bob Marley is so he plays her some of his songs. He starts talking about how awesome he was before locking down his house for night. Anna tells Robert to come with her to Vermont and he flips out again on her. Anna says God told her about the colony – oh she’s one of THOSE people huh? – and Robert still goes crazy. Oh and apparently these things aren’t “zombies” because Anna keeps calling them “Dark Seekers”. What the f** is this Lord of the Rings!?
Robert hears noises and it seems like the “Dark Seekers” have tracked down Robert. He gets pissed off that Anna didn’t spray the chemicals on the steps to his door. So the chemicals kill the human smell or something? Ok… I’ll get to that later on. Robert hits the bright lights around his house and starts setting off explosions all over the place. Robert goes upstairs for Anna and Ethan but zombies have gotten into his house. Alpha comes out and they brawl. Robert destroys his kitchen with a bomb. Alpha takes off and Robert goes upstairs, leaving his gun behind by the way.
There’s a zombie ripping holes in the roof in a room upstairs. Anna and Ethan are hiding underneath a closet. Robert kills it and looks outside to see dozens of zombies coming their way. They go to the lab and Robert sees that the female zombie he captured is beginning to be cured. The zombies go down to the lab as the three seal themselves in the cell with the female zombie. He is shouting at them that he can save them, but Alpha comes along and starts ramming the glass doors.
And now, we’ll split off into the two endings of the movie.
Cinematic Ending:
Robert realizes that the zombie’s aren’t going to listen. He takes a vial of the cure, gives it to Anna and shoves her and Ethan into a chute. They escape and Robert blows himself up with a grenade, taking out all the zombies. Anna heads to Vermont with Ethan and she gives the cure to the people there. Anna says that humanity saved and rebuilt the world because of Robert.
Alternate Ending:
Alpha smears a butterfly on the glass window and Robert FINALLY realizes that he was after his woman all this time. He gives her back to him and apologises. Alpha and the zombies leave. Robert, Anna and Ethan go to Vermont and live in the colony happily ever after.
So which ending are you going to go with? It doesn’t matter which one you pick they both sucked. You’re better off making up your own ending, and a middle and a beginning for that matter. Anything would have been better than the two hours of nothing that this movie gave us. I’ll be back in a few days to give my Final Thoughts on this piece of crap. Until then, take it easy Bucket Heads!
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Comment by Waysouth
Romantic Writer
Given To Gaming
Waysouth
Spanish Honduras
Comment by Wayne F
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Comment by Damo
You did it again.
I absolutely agree with your assessment.
I watch this movie once and that was enough.
It sucked so bad that I wanted to see the Charlton Heston version just to clear up my head.
Everything looked CGI or like a plug for a consumer product. Apple I-Macs will one day save us from a zombie attack. Ford Mustangs will be issued to all leading scientists. Plasma TV's and Shreck. No one the zombies want to kill him.
Comment by Wayne F
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Oh, and let's not forget the Superman vs. Batman advertisement they threw in their for "future" predictions. That's kinda like Vince McMahon's XFL being huger than the NFL as we saw in The Sixth Day.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
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Alpha smears a butterfly on the glass window and Robert FINALLY realizes that he was after his woman all this time. He gives her back to him and apologises. Alpha and the zombies leave. Robert, Anna and Ethan go to Vermont and live in the colony happily ever after.
Absolutely! ... but then I am a sucker for a happy ending.
too funny...
Lilla ...
Comment by Wayne F
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Comment by Anonymous