Bucket Movies Presents: Gladiatress.
January 11th 2009 22:02
I don't know who I should feel more sorry for: the actress whose career was destroyed in this movie or the goose for not being killed, plucked, stuffed and cooked so he could be in this movie.
Let me share with you all, my Bucket Heads, the secret of knowing how bad a movie is going to be before you see it. There are many ways of doing this – looking at the previews for example or reading a brief plot outline. The best way, and probably one that many people won’t agree with, is by the cover or the poster of the movie in question. We can take this a step further by viewing the contents of the DVD selection screen.
Enter Gladiatress. I’ve never seen this movie before, hell I’ve never heard about it but when I picked it up from my dad’s stock-piled movie-cupboard I knew I was in for a bad movie. I asked my dad if this was crap and he nodded his head in agreement. I threw it into my DVD player and as soon as the music started up, I knew why my dad looked so miserable when he nodded his head to me.
The music was terrible. It was one of those generic, crappy, sounding themes from medieval movies but with the occasional fart. By occasional I mean every two seconds. I shuddered. I felt chills running down my spine. Surely this movie couldn’t be that bad just judging by the background music of the DVD’s main menu… could it?
Oh Bucket Heads, how I did not know what I was about to get into…
Mighty Caesar is mighty pissed off that his name is being tarnished in this aweful movie. I beat he'd join in on his own murder if he could see this coming.
There’s a battle between the Romans and the Gauls (modern day France for you people who didn’t know that) and the Romans win. Caesar has conquered all of Gaul and now he plans to invade Britain. General Rhinus talks to Caesar about the people of Britain. Apparently the men are sissies who shave all their body hair while the women are fierce warriors. You should note that this is a comedy movie, if the title didn’t give that away, so everything is meant to be funny including the stereotypical heavy Italian accents every Roman has. Anyway, one of the Gauls makes a run for it and swims across the English Channel.
In Britain there’s a tribe of strong fighters. In this tribe there are three sisters. There is the brave elder sister of the tribe called Dwyfuc, the middle sister who no one speaks about (because she is a butch dyke) called Smirgut and the youngest sister (who is the narrator of this movie) called Worthaboutapig. Yup, I’m serious. Whoever wrote that thinking it was funny should be shot. Pig is walking around the village and the men are shaving their legs and doing their hair up in braids. Pig tries to be friendly to everyone but no one likes her at all. Pig is the village’s beekeeper who hypotises bees with some spell, but they chase her around stinging her ass! That’s comedy gold right there people!
Dwyfuc is sitting on her throne waiting for men to present themselves to her for marriage. She’s getting annoyed because the supply of manly men is running low. One guy is thrusting his sword around (his actually steel bladed sword not his meat one) and farts every time he does it. A midget comes in and he starts dancing. Yeah, I’m getting bored with this movie already. Pig comes along saying the men are alright and Dwyfuc gets pissed off at her. Some woman arrives saying a Gaul arrived in their camp. Pig and Dwyfuc go to the village and check him out. The Gaul is called Jean Marcosivellauniviromandiboule… yeah I don’t get it either. Dwyfuc grabs his ass and looks at his groin that appears to have three testicles. It’s actually a tentacle but Dwyfuc thinks it’s a detachable penis. She gives him to Pig.
Queen Tuathfhlaifthfth arrives, (I know the names keep on getting terrible just bare with me Bucket Heads), and she’s stupid as shit. Someone who speaks Gaul arrives to speak to Jean. They have French subtitles for the French speaking part. Pig can understand everything he is saying but the translator is screwing it up. After a non-funny and confusing comedy scene, Jean says the Romans are coming. Dwyfuc gathers the men together for war. Pig takes Jean into her hut and says she is an outcast because she was born on the shortest day of the year. She rubs her head on his chest, and bites his nipple. Jean wants to screw her but doesn’t know where her tits are (because she is flat).
The fearless sister known as Dwyfuc: brave, courageous and has a weakness for the hairy legs of a man.
The alarm rings as the Romans are coming. Pig helps Dwyfuc get dressed and the Queen wants to join into the fight. She leads the march the wrong way. Dwyfuc goes the right way with her ex-boyfriends. They find some Romans in the forest. She goes to kill a Roman, but because he has manly hairy legs she wants to rape him and starts growling like a lion. A Roman from the distance knocks her out with a slingshot to the head. Caesar bitches to his general that they have no place to land the ships so they must go back to Gaul. Doesn’t that ask the question: if they can’t land their ships how did he and his army just land in Britain?
The tribe is all moaning inside a large hut and the Queen is upset about Dwyfuc’s abduction. They call for their seer and he kills a goat. He says he can see blood, guts and gore… then states that Dwyfuc was captured… can you hear the really bad main menu music in your heads as well? Anyway someone has to rescue Dwyfuc and everyone is shouting they will. Pig joins in joking around and ends up being picked. She tries to get out of it but they send her on her way. Pig calls out to her boyfriend Jean, but he just smells his balls.
Pig is on her way to rescue her sister and starts crying. She prays to the Gods and the Goddess of Victory appears to her. She tells her to go call Smirgut her sister, who had a huge falling out with Dwyfuc years ago. Pig encounters a barbarian who is about to jump her, but at the mere mention of Smirgut’s name he bolts. It’s night and Pig arrives at a town and enters a medieval nightclub. A fight breaks out and it turns out to be Smirgut. The sisters hug and Pig informs her she almost lost her gooseberry to Jean. Smirgut hopes Dwyfuc is dead. Pig lies and says that the Romans took their mother, who Smirgut loves to death.
The two set off and go sail all around Britain in order to get to France. They go to the Rome HQ in France. Pig talks about being clever to get into the camp, so they dress up as French whores. They walk around the camp seeing stereotypical nationalities. Pig is worried about Dwyfuc. Dwyfuc is in a nice Roman bath with a French princess. The next morning Smirgut says she overheard Little saying they’ll rescue Dwyfuc in her sleep. Pig runs while Smirgut walks after her. A British guy hides Pig in a British tent and makes her smoke a bong. Pig gets high and gets a really high pitched voice. Smirgut finds her, kicks down the tent and the British guys take Pig away to the Romans.
At first I thought Smirgut was a man but then I just realised that she was one of those butch lesbians who look like men.
Dwyfuc is sitting with Caesar and the other Roman generals in a nice tent. They think she is great. They begin eating and Dwyfuc eats like a pig. She removes a huge bone from her mouth… the bone of a boar’s leg not the other type of bone! You people have dirty minds! Anyway, Dwyfuc starts farting, then Caesar farts, then everyone takes turns farting, then I smash the bottle of Vodka I was drinking over my head. Meanwhile Smirgut enters a pub and the bartender won’t server her, so she knocks him out. Scottish people arrive and start arguing with her, then they say “cheers” to each other and start drinking. The Scot and his wife tell Smirgut she has to save her sisters and to get the courage to do it by drinking. You should take note kids: if your nervous or scared about your exams just do a few shots of something and you’ll be ok.
Dwyfuc and the French Princess are taking huge dumps in the toilet and Caesar orders a slave to bring him a soldier with the hottest ass… yeah you read that right. Pig is being put on show to be a gladiator but gets taken out by the training dummy. General Rhinus arrives and he is pissed off at the quality of gladiators they have. Pig gets made a slave. Dwyfuc is getting bored with noble life, just as much as I am getting bored with this movie, until a handsome Roman solider called Firmus enters the room. Get it? Firm Ass!? Dwyfuc starts growling like a lion. Dwyfuc and the French princess are talking about who is the cleanest by talking about their pubic lice, (because lice are attracted to clean people).
Yeah I promise you guys I am not making any of this crap up Bucket Heads. At this point I wanted to turn off the DVD and snap it in half, then quarters, then eighths and so on until I had nothing left but DVD dust! Alas, I did continue on. I’m doing this for your own good!
Pig is cleaning up blood on the floor and they send her to the kitchen. Meanwhile Smirgut drinks enough to go off and save her sisters. Dwyfuc is with Firmus and she spits out an olive. It bounces all over the room before she eats it. Firmus flirts with her and she starts growling like a lion again. Smirgut forces her way into the building while Dwyfuc is making out with Firmus. She closes the window and turns back to Firmus, who is butt naked and is holding a pineapple to cover his groin. Smirgut keeps battling as Dwyfuc and Firmus start going at it. Smirgut is kicking down doors and she falls out of a door to an incomplete room. Pig is feeding the prisoners and runs into a captured Smirgut. Pig says she likes being a slave and Smirgut tells her to slap herself. She does, and now begins feeling like crap and cries. Smirgut cheers her up and Pig breaks her out.
That's odd... I was planning on hugging a tree like that after watching this movie only, someone would cut it so it would fall on top of me. It's a good way to cheer up after watching a bad movie Bucket Heads, believe me!
Caesar plans to invade Britian soon as the girls head off for their sister. Dwyfuc is eating chicken and Firmus tells her he only seduced her so he can get information out of her. That information is where the Romans can land their massive ships for their armies. Dwyfuc doesn’t care since she got his “seed” but Firmus says that he never “popped”. He leaves, Dwyfuc’s upset and her sisters come in. Dwyfuc’s happy to see Pig but almost fights with Smirgut. The French Princess comes along saying that they are going to executed Dwyfuc now they have the information they need from her, and she acts like a bitch to her.
The girls make their move and escape through the toilets. Smirgut opens the seats and Dwyfuc steps into it. Caesar is watching the Russians dance in his throne room while the Scots wait in line for their turn to talk to him. The sisters decide dress up as the Scots and go in. Pig pretends to be a head hanging from Smirgut’s neck. This looks really bad and unfunny. Caesar gets them to do a stupid dance because he knows they aren’t the Scots and they do it. The sisters are captured and are forced into the gladiator arena. Caesar is watching on as a German warrior comes out. He hates the arena. The girls get armed. Dwyfuc and Smirgut start arguing and knock one another out leaving Pig. The German cuts off her head. Everyone goes off to lunch.
The two sisters are upset about the sister’s death and the Goddess of Victory pops up. Using chicken heads in a bag she throws them and opens up a trapdoor to the world of the dead. Dwyfuc and Smirgut go through a tunnel and for some reason the images keep getting mirrored constantly, like every two seconds the two keep switching sides. The two climb out of a well and everything has a yellow glow and echoes. They are in their village, where everyone is worshipping Pig as a queen. The sisters have come to take her back because they love her. She doesn’t want to come because her lawyer advises her this. Dwyfuc and Smirgut drag her through the tunnel and end up back in the middle of the arena.
WAKE UP!!! Don’t fall asleep on me yet! You still have more crap to eat! Now open your mouth and force it down your throat!
Everyone wants the three to die, even the Scottish people. The German comes out and Smirgut throws a stick into his heart. The German says he had his heart moved and his nervous system removed as well so he feels no pain. Yup… that’s right. The two sisters get netted leaving poor Pig by herself again. The German says he is going to cut her up in half like a pig, but she thinks that he said she is worth half a pig. A verbal fight breaks out and Pig starts getting fired up. She goes to grab the sword, but it’s too heavy and she falls over. She ends up biting his balls off and the German runs off. Everyone boos her so Pig snaps and starts screaming. The sisters get out of the net and Pig passes out from the rush.
The three sisters are ready to save Britain "in their own unique and outrageous style!
Some Roman soldiers come out and they do this “Celtic Kick” that has been hyped up throughout the movie. I’m talking like, every five minutes that keep mentioning it. If you played a game where you have a shot of vodka every time you heard it, you’d be going to the hospital with severe alcohol poisoning. Anyway the Celtic Kick is some crappy fast river dance, followed by a headbutt. Pig can’t reach them because she is too small so Dwyfuc does it for her instead. They all run out of the base, but Dwyfuc stops to buy shoes. They take off and the Romans follow on, and one of them stops to buy shoes. Insert a typical stupid chase scene with a bunch of childish crap happening. Pig also randomly got herself a bra or something that’s made her tits grow.
Back at Britain the girls reach the harbor that the Romans have landed at. The Romans make their march as the tribe waits for the battle. Pig wants to summon bees, they won’t let her. Smirgut and Dwyfuc apologise to each other and hug. Pig summons her bees and they attack the Romans. The British charge in with the Queen, who is running in miles behind. Caesar’s pissed off and ends up pulling out because a storm’s coming. They stop the war and everyone starts hugging each other hugs. They all swap clothes and Pig ends up getting attacked by her bees.
General Rhinus drops dead of a heart attack and Caesar walks off. Rhinus just faked it and joins the British. Back at the village the Queen is thanking all the soldiers. The sisters come back. Queen gets pissed off at Dwyfuc for leaving, even though she was kidnapped, but sees Smirgut and is happy she is home. Everyone ignores what Pig does. Dwyfuc sees her ex-boyfriends beating up someone and it is Firmus. She growls, and tells people to bring oil because she is taking his sperm.
Pig goes back to Jean and now that she has tits, he loves her. She makes him clean the floor and give her a massage if he wants to screw her. As the credits roll Pig tells Jean Dwyfuc had her baby, Smirgut got to be with her mum again and Pig got him. Jean doesn’t care and wants to play with her tits. Pig gets annoyed.
And that’s it! That is the end of the terrible comedy movie. I thought Epic Movie was terrible but Jesus Christ I think this movie was worse. I’ve never wanted to kill myself so bad in my life! It had to be the unfunniest piece of crap that I’ve ever seen!
Did you feel it Bucket Heads!? Did you almost kill yourself to the sheer boredom!? Oh you only experienced a mere FIFTH of what I had to endure! I dare you, I f***ing dare you to find this movie and try to sit through a quarter of this rubbish. I normally would suggest not watching it but this movie; I think this one deserves you all to have a look for yourselves to see how truly bad it is.
I shall save my anger for my Final Thoughts in a few days. Until then, I plan on drilling a hole in my head so the bad DVD main menu music leaves me. Take it easy Bucket Heads!
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Comment by Damo
That means that it should be a sure success in the USA. Just like Porkies et al.
Thanks for sacrificing your self on this to save be trouble of being insulted.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous