Fear Dot Com - Part 1
March 16th 2008 23:34
Category: No Category
Have you seen The Ring? Ok, now imagine that but with a website instead of a video...
Hello Bucket Heads all around the world and welcome to this week’s Bucket movie review. I hope you’ve all enjoyed a nice weekend and I hope we’re all ready and waiting eagerly as Easter soon approaches, well if you’re a Christian I guess if you’re not then you probably don’t care. All I know is that I’ll be getting a ton of chocolate and all that hard work at the gym is about to be undone.
While I was at the video store looking around for terrible movies to hire I came across one that looked pretty bad sitting in the horror section. Trust me when I say you can judge how bad a movie is going to be sometimes when you look at the cover, yet alone the name of the movie. In fact there’s so many movies in the horror section I knew they were going to be bad just looking at them.
One of these movies I hired and will be the feature of this week’s movie review. There is something about Internet thrillers and horrors that director’s seem to have an attraction too. There are a few internet horrors and thrillers flying around the place at the moment but one of the worse has to be a film called Fear Dot Com. This movie plain and simply sucks. As you’ll read on you’ll soon find yourself agreeing with me that this has to be one of the most stupid horror movies out there.
I’m going to cut straight to the chase and just kick off this movie review. The quicker I do this the quicker the pain is going to be. So without further delay the Bucket proudly presents to you this week’s heap of crap: Fear Dot Com.
For about 5 minutes Udo Kier showed us all he can star in a movie that doesn't involve vampires.
We start off with Udo Kier walking around in a tunnel holding a book to his chest closely. He is all freaked out about something, probably the fact that this has to be the first non-Vampire movie that he has appeared in. There’s a heavy rainstorm going on which means there’s going to be danger up ahead but alas Udo keeps running. He stops and sees a freaky clown but it turns out it’s just some homeless guy who looks like a clown. He stops at a platform as a bright light shines from the tunnel. A big bouncey white ball appears and Udo freaks out.
Out steps one of the most freakiest little girls that you’ve ever seen. She has white eyes and white hair and a white dress… haven’t I seen this before somewhere? Wasn’t there a bunch of children with white hair walking around scaring adults? Hmmm… probably just my imagination then cause surely movies don’t blatantly rip off other movies. Anyway Freak Girl starts playing on the tracks with the ball which questions the where abouts of this child’s parents. There’s a train coming ahead and Udo jumps down to save her but alas she is a ghost and disappears! Instead of just jumping back up on the platform Udo decides he’s had enough of this movie already and waits five minutes for the train to hit him. As he slowly passes on to the afterlife a ghost appears through the train thanks to some terrible special effects.
The next day a health inspector called Terry wakes up and goes to put her slippers on but screams as she finds a dead mouse in one of her shoes. Don’t even go there with the irony. Meanwhile some cops find Udo dead on the train tracks which prompts one to ask what happened to him. Let’s see here we have a man who is laying DEAD on the TRAIN TRACKS after being HIT BY A TRAIN it doesn’t take a genius to put that together. Why the hell are police portrayed as stupid, clueless drones in movies? Do you HAVE to be a detective to figure out things that involve common sense? To make matters worse Udo’s eyes and mouth are wide open so obviously he is showing us his annoyance to these two idiots.
In another part of town someone is flipping through newspapers before logging onto the internet. They go to what has to be one of the worst looking websites that I have ever seen and this website involves the selling of… distressed furniture. The next time you go to sit down on your lazy-boy recliner you might want to consider its feelings you might be stressing the poor thing out.
Meanwhile in a police station we’re introduced to a detective called Mike who is going through old files on a case he has been trying to solve for years involving some dude called “The Doctor”… oh how scary. Maybe he is associated with The Dentist and The Chiropractor. A crazy punk kid is dragged into the station screaming loudly in German. Mike asks what ‘it’ is talking about, probably referring to the fact he is German since this detective appears to be an arrogant American pig. Since no one can figure it out Mike asks for someone to bring him information about bloody eyes. They get information and rush over to this German’s kid place.
Mike is convinced that The Doctor is at this location. Him and his partner, Sykes, search the place which is very dark and is a complete pigsty. Mike sees a door down the hallway and heads over to it, kicking it down and finds a dead body floating in the bathtub. Out pops Terry and she scares Mike. Mike says “Jesus” but Terry says her name is Terry. HAHA! You get it!? She isn’t Jesus her name is really Terry and she made a joke about it! God this script is terrible. Terry tells Mike the dead chick in the tub has a disease and Mike is called back to the station. The German kid is dead in his cell and there’s blood smeared all over his cell walls. Terry starts taking control for no reason which begs to ask: why is a health inspector ordering around the NYPD?
There’s a guy in a car recording people as they walk past and he fixates his camera on one young female. Who wants to make bet this dude is the killer? Mike drives Terry back to the crime scene and they talk about their professions. Terry tells Mike that there’s germs and bugs all over the place and that he probably sleeps with bugs and germs in his place, which freaks Mike out since he has a phobia of germs. Now if you had a phobia of germs wouldn’t you NOT work as a detective since you’ve got to be around dirty crime scenes and see dead bodies and stuff?
The guy with the video camera works up to the girl he was focusing on earlier and tells her he wants to use her in a movie he is making. Back at the scene of the crime Terry and Mike get a hold of the video camera in the apartment and start watching it. The gothic German couple are doing a bunch of random things like walking through a park and at one point the guy records the woman getting undressed. They even record themselves watching video clips on the computer… their lives can’t be that exciting can it? They freak out watching whatever is on the computer, they start going crazy and finally the German guy throws his girlfriend into the bathtub. Terry and Mike are confused as much as I am at this point.
The woman who was invited to the studio walks through an alleyway and enters some abandoned theater that has an organ playing in the background. As if being approached by a complete stranger wasn’t enough to make someone cautious the place is a dead give away. Video cameras watch on as “The Doctor” jumps out and attacks her with a cloth while Rammstein’s “Sonne” plays in the background. I’m a huge fan of Rammstein by the way and this is one of their best songs. I would suggest you listen to it one day if you’re into German rock.
Meet NYPD's finest Detective Mike. He is living proof that all you need to get into the police force is a few years experience as a crossing-guard.
Terry gets a parking ticket and Mike tells her that he’ll take care of it. Wow he’s making moves on her already and they’ve only known each other for a few hours. Terry heads back to her work and talks to her boss, who is displaying the same sympthons as the two dead German kids. He’s computer is missing and Terry remembers that the German couple’s computer was destroyed. Moment later he is in some industrial area and the little girl with the white dress and ball appears and disappears. The old guy starts to freak out, jumps in his car and gets a nose bleed. He reaches for a cigarette and for some reason all the cigarettes in his packet get lit up. The little girl stares at him as the car fills up with smoke. It starts driving at full speed and smashes into a wall. Couldn’t he roll the windows down and let the smoke out or even step on the damn breaks?
We’re at the coroner’s office and it appears the German woman died from a stroke brought on by a surge of adrenaline. She let’s Mike and Terry know another body came in and Terry cries as it’s her boss. They speak to his wife who says he was going crazy over the past week. They look at his computer and it’s been destroyed. Meanwhile we got to a live web show that is being broadcast on the distressed furniture website. The Doctor has the girl he captured strapped up on a table and talks about how cyber sex and Internet dating are bad things and he is going to make an example out of her. The Doctor wants to learn about the girl he is about to torture but she is just screaming and crying. So we have a serial killer driven to murder people because he hates cyber sex… how creative.
Mike is checking out the backgrounds of the three dead people and Terry is helping him. Why the hell is a health inspector still trying to help out the NYPD with a murder investigation after they found out there were no diseases involved? Mike calls his friend Denise to hack into the computers of the victims to find information as Terry watches the video of the German kids again. She features out that the two died 48 hours after watching whatever was on the their computers. If a health inspector is finding out this information it is telling me one of two things: she’s smarter than the detective or she’s trying to act smart so she can get in this guy’s pants.
Terry the Health Inspector seems to have authority over everyone including God himself.
Denise is doing her job with the computers and discovers the connection of the three victims, a website called Feardotcom.com. Yes, the website is not Fear.com is it called Feardotcom.com making me even more confused now. She goes to it and it shows people getting killed. She tries to escape the website but it won’t let her. She sees a cockroach and kills it. She switches off the computer and walks away but it switches itself back on and plays the website again. Someone speaks to Denise and asks for her name. Denise responses back and ultimately the cyber woman asks her if she wants to play a game. Denise says yes and we see a bunch of random clips, like a white ball bouncing and someone getting tortured.
The Doctor is with his victim and asks her about a smell coming off her body. He wants to know if it’s a type of perfume or is it FEAR!? How original. The Doctor tells his victim that he knows no pain or sympathy and that the lesson will end anytime she wants it to. This guy sounds like a pro-wrestler more than a serial killer. The Doctor asks the girl if she wants to die. She says no so he proceeds with his torture.
Denise is in the police station the next day and starts hearing and seeing things. A white ball appears at the top of the stairwell she is walking up and it turns into a pile of cockroaches. She meets Mike and gives him all the information he needs, including the website that airs a show of people being tortured and killed. Mike is shocked as this was what The Doctor was doing. He asks if Denise if she is ok but she starts freaking out. Terry appears out of nowhere and tells Mike she’s been doing some research, including some book she read about the Internet. They decide to go to a pub and speak to the person who wrote the book.
What mysteries will our two heroes uncover about this website? Will The Doctor continue his sadistic ways and torture that poor woman? What is going to happen to Denise? When is Mike going to actually do some work as a detective instead of letting Terry the health inspector take over the investigation? Let’s find out!
[Click To Go To Part 2]
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Comment by Cibbuano
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Isn't that the girl from the Truman Show?
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Just looked it up on IMDB and yeah its the same actress from the Truman Show. She was pretty bad in Fear Dot Com but ok in The Truman Show if I remember correct.
Comment by katyzzz
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Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Thanks for the admiration of the blue bucket
Thanks for the comments Mr. Money Man!