The Bucket Presents: Epic Movie
June 16th 2008 04:54
Category: E
From right to left: Edward, Peter, Susan & Lucy. They're in for one EPIC movie - and by "epic
Do people remember the good ol’ days of spoof comedies? Remember that long running television show called Get Smart that was a spoof on James Bond? How about Space Balls? That was a damn classic – I still piss myself laughing whenever I hear the “We’ve been jammed!” joke. What about Naked Gun? Hot Shots? Oh man all those old spoof movies with their stupid, yet funny, jokes. Now those were the good ol’ days of spoof movies.
So what the hell happened to them? They are still around but as the years went on that started to get a little… crap. There were some that were ok but not as good as the others, until the 90’s rolled around and we were introduced to a movie called Scary Movie. I will admit I like this movie. It was funny. It wasn’t smart humor but it was still funny. After that came Scary Movie 2, which was bad. Then Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4 and now they’re planning a Scary Movie 5. The same guys who done this went onto do other “___ Movie” like Date Movie, Superhero Movie and even Meet The Spartans. The humor was so water down, the movies became terrible and unwatchable.
There was one cream of the crop though – and I write this now knowing I have yet to see Superhero Movie or Meet The Spartans. That movie was called Epic Movie and as of now it has to be the worst, unfunny movie that I have ever seen. It made me cry knowing how much the comedy genre had fallen over the years. Everything about this movie was pathetic and shows you just how bad a movie can be if you try to spoof every single movie out there. It was destined to be a huge trainwreck and it proved everyone right. Put on your HAZMAT suits Bucket Heads because this is going to be one nasty toxic mess.
Actually scratch that. Let’s do something to make this movie more fun. Every time there’s a bad joke or an unfunny moment, we’ll have a shot of whatever alcoholic beverage you like. Let’s kick off the crap!
Man that Willy Wonka looks more like a Pedophile than any other Willy Wonka I've seen. Word of advice kids: run when he offers you a piece of his "Wonka bar".
The movie opens up with the narrator talking about how four orphans were destined to do something “epic”. We start off by going to our first orphan called Lucy, who is a spoof from the Da Vinci Code. She walks through a painting gallery and amongst the Mona Lisa and other famous painting, are the dogs playing poker (1). Lucy is trying to figure out the clue but claims she doesn’t know what it is, because she hasn’t read the book yet (2). There’s an albino monk coming after Lucy as the Curator of the museum is dying on the floor. To help give her clues he begins doing a stupid dance, spelling out DaVinci (3). There’s a picture of Tom Hanks (4). She figures out the code and gets a Willy Wonka bar, opens it up and gets herself a golden ticket. The monk jumps at her and crashes through the vending machine.
Next orphan is a guy called Edward who is played by Kumar from Harold & Kumar. He is meant to be a proof of Macho Libre – that bad Jack Black movie – and is he being fed roadkill. Edward doesn’t want it so Jack Black rips his clothes off and screams Nacho for like two minutes straight (5). He pulls out a brings out chips, chews them up and spits them on Edward, who challenges them to a wrestling match. Jack Black tells a kid to dear with him so he gets the crap beat out of him and slides him across a table. Some priest eating a Willy Wonka bar and Edward steals his golden ticket.
Next up we have is Susan is described as being one of the Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie kids (6). The airhostess pours out a snake into a cup and we have snakes on a plane. One snake bites someone’s penis while another bits a woman on her breast (7). Samuel L. Jackson comes out repeats “I’ve had it with his mother f***ing snakes on this mother f***ing plane” about ten times (8). He grabs Susan, throw her out of the plane and she crash lands down on Paris Hilton. SusanJesus Christ. This guy fucking BLOWS! He throws the chick out the window and crushes Paris Hilton. Susan takes the ticket from her bag.
Finally we have Peter is a mutant in a mutant school ala X-Men. There’s a Mystique and Peter walks up to her wanting to ask her out. Wolverine comes with the X-Men, shoves and bullies poor Peter. Wolverine gives him the finger with his claw – as we’ve all seen in the other X-Men movies – so Peter uses his powers and grows a pair of chicken wings (9). Magneto comes with a MAGNET ON HIS HEAD!!! You get it!? (10). He calls him a pussy and opens up a locker on his face. A golden ticket falls out of the locker and Peter gets it.
The Evil White Bitch... how long did it take those idiots to come up with a name like that?
We got to the factory and the four orphans are there. Willy comes out and goes through the names of the kids. He takes them through the factory and the Oompa Loompas are working. Edward sees a chocolate river and gets excited. He eats a huge chocolate log but Willy tells him that it’s actually the sewerage river and he is eating shit! (11) Willy asks them if they want to know what makes the candy taste good and he says its humans. He is going to use them in his products and starts turning them into candy uses their bodyparts, such as ripping out Edwards nuts, pulling out Lucy’s kidney, taking out Peter’s tooth and kicking off Susan’s head – all these while Fergalicious is playing (12, 13, 14, 15). I don’t know about you but my bottle of Vodka is starting to run very low right now.
The four orphans get locked up in a room and Lucy is polishing the door knob. Susan begins talking about how she wants to get out and Lucy repeats everything she says. Edward goes to punch Peter and hits him twice, Susan punches Edward and Lucy beats up Peter with a lamp. Willy comes looking for them and they hide, Lucy finds a closet. She opens it and a bunch of random crap falls on her, even a naked chick runs out (16). Lucy walks into the closet and ends up in the land of Nardia.
Lucy finds a frosty pole, licks it and her tongue extends by two meters (17). She tries everything to get unstuck, even trying to hack at her tongue with a knife and an axe. Eventually a Goatman called Thomas helps her and says she is in the land of Gnarnia, not Nardia because of legal purposes (18). He shows her around his home and they do that MTV show where they go into people’s “cribs”. This lame crap lasts for about ten minutes, so I say (19, 20, 21, 22). Thomas tells Lucy to go and gives her a camera. She walks out and flicks through it. It scans her eyes and he tells her about the Evil White Bitch (23). Kanye West appears and tells everyone she doesn’t like black people (24). The EWB is building weapons of mass destruction. The camera says it will self-destruct in one second, and sends Lucy flying (25).
Edward finds the closet and enters it as well. The EWB arrives on her turbo sleigh driven by a midget. She crawls out of the ride in slow motion and he calls her a milf – because she is played by Stiffler’s mum from American Pie (26). The midget punches him in the nuts. She zaps the midget for opening his mouth and Edward stares at her tits. She makes him a beer. The midget lands and says he can’t be the King, and she zaps him again (27). She starts sucking his finger, and it gets huge. She wants to meet the others. The midget lands and she zaps him again (28). They go to White Castle… and he thinks he’s been there before (29).
Edward goes to get the others and he finds Lucy. Peter and Susan go through the closet as well. Peter pisses into the snow, and then starts playing Saduko (30). Lucy tells them about Thomas and Peter draws a stick figure in the snow and says it’s Nicole Richie (31). Thomas’ house as been trashed and a talking braver appears out. Lucy runs up and kicks it (31). The little animal introduces himself as Harry Beaver. Get it!? Harry Beaver!? It’s a play on words! (32). He is married to Thomas and the Bitch took her. Aslo wants to see them and they are going to fight for Gnania. Peter is the head one and he turns into Superman. Someone shoots a gun at him in slow motion and hits him in the eye. It’s his destiny to lead. Harry tells them to look at the clues.
Look it's a beaver called Harry Beaver... God these hilarious names just keep on coming!
They look at the clues and it’s a picture of the Last Supper. Edward runs away as everyone looks at the picture. They are all in the painting, behind Jesus. The painting tells her to look at the table. She uses a crypt text and it tells her to Get Crunk. They open it up and there’s a scroll. There are birth certificates and they are all brothers and sisters says the painting. The White Bitch killed their parents. Meanwhile Edward goes to the Bitch and the midget attacks him. Edward says he got a tattoo and it’s a 50 Cent tattoo? (33). He finds out they are his family. She flashes his tits to him and he tells the White Bitch everything and it turns out, HE JUST GOT PUNK’D!!! “Ashton Kutcher” comes out and acts like a moron for five minutes (34). Edward punches him, Ashton gets up, so Edward he beats him more. The monk from the start comes out whipping himself and the Bitch starts beating him with a stick.
Harry and the orphans are looking around for something and Thomas appears. Harry and Thomas begin making out. Harry gets a call and they find out that the Bitch has finished her weapon. Peter wants to go but Susan slaps him, then Lucy punches him. The monk comes back and the kids run. Thomas stays to fight the monk. The monk shoots Thomas and he calls out for the guy’s help. He keeps keeping shot and Peter grows chicken wings and runs off. The monk says he is Rick James, Bitch in Latin (35).
The orphans find a castle and it’s the Harry Potter School. They find Harry Potter, Ron and Hermoine. They show them how to use magic and they use a cloak but it’s the wrong cloak and Harry thinks he is invisible. They start training the guys to the Rocky music. They all train in the arts of archery, magical herpies (yes that’s right), and sword fighting (36). Peter kills the giant guy, the woman wizard and Dumbledore.
The weapon of mass destruction is a crystal that will make earthquake which is the plot of Superman Returns (37). Bitch logs onto her MySpace and finds out the kids have escaped. Jack Swallows – who is meant to be Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean - is in the prison with Edward (38). He stabs Edward for the old fake dying trick. The guards come and Jack uses Edward as a weapon to knock them out. The kids head to Aslo’s camp. Jack and Edward go on the ship and Jack is walking around smashing people over the head with bottles (39). Jack busts out a rap about being a pirate that lasts for like five minutes and is really bad (40). It turns out the whole thing was a trick to set Edward up to get more information out of him. The Bitch stabs Jack and he acts like a moron (41). Edward grabs the weapon of mass destruction and drops it in the ocean, causing an earthquake.
The kids reach the camp and everyone bows to them, James Bond, Chewbacca, and even Borat (42). They go to Aslo’s tent and he is with some chick. He is a half lion half man beast. Aslo is a drunk and says he’ll help them if they do a favour for him. Edward is in prison with Mel Gibson and Edward kicks him in the nuts (43). The kids all screwed the lion, even Peter (44). Aslo scares the guards of the prison and fights the monk. They deliberately show someone else playing Aslo in the fight scenes… because it’s funny! (45). Aslo ducks a long flying kick from the monk, punches him in the nuts and breaks his neck. The kids free Edward and all Lucy continues to repeat everything that Susan says (46). The Bitch appears and kills Aslo.
They go back to the camp and everyone is upset about the death. Lucy kicks Harry again (47). Everyone wants to fight for them, even the X-Men. Magneto gets every metal item in the camp attached to him (48). Everyone is going to party. Edward and Lucy chug beer down. Susan doesn’t want to but she does and has a beer bong. Mystique gets Peter alone as Susan finishes the bong and start throwing up on people then makes out with someone. Mystique is making out with Peter and he makes her get huge tits, a nice ass and a mono-brow, flabby grandma arms and overall fatter in general (49).
Beware the pirate Jack Swallows and his crew of hot female pirates. Jesus... I can't take these terrible names anymore.
The next morning everyone the kids go to fight but their army isn’t there. The Bitch’s army is full of barbarians. Peter turns into a chicken and runs off (50). He stops and decides not to run anymore. He rips off his wings and heads back. As the fight is about to happen Jack comes out with the huge wheel. The Bitch turns into Davy Jones, plays the organ, and start’s DJ-ing (51). Her army does the robot and everyone starts dancing. She throws the octopus at Jack and he goes off course (52).
The army and the kids charge at each other. There’s Stormtroopers in the Bitch’s army. Lucy takes an axe, Susan gets a bow. The midget kills Edward and calls him Kumar (52). Peter is left alone with the Bitch. She stabs him in the stomach. He crawls back, grabs the remote from Click and stops the fight. Some chick with huge tits runs past and he puts it in slow motion, then a fat guy runs past (53), then some guy with a big penis (54). Peter walks through the army, and then makes the remote heal his family. They start killing the army to Kung Fu Fighting (55). The earthquake happens and they erase the Bitch’s plot with the remote.
Peter says he’ll establish a democracy to punish the Bitch, but Jack squashes her as he comes back around (56). Back at the camp everyone has a huge celebration and the Beaver crowns the children with new titles: Peter the Heroic, Susan the Just, Edward the Loyal and Lucy the Dipshit (57). They are the Kings and Queens of Gnarnia. Everyone cheers them on. Years later they are all old and are pissing in the snow. They find the closet and they go through. They’re all young again and Borat tells the audience they all lived happily ever after. Jack crashed through the house on that huge wheel, kills them all and Borat shouts NOT! (58).
Well there you have it, a comedy that fails (epically) to deliver. I would say this has to be THE worst comedy movie that I have ever seen. It still amazes me that these guys – the directors or writers or whoever the hell it is that makes this crap – continue to get funding for their movies. After this I would have thought that stopped or at least try to make a movie that was funny. Instead we’ve had to sit through eighty minutes of terrible jokes and had to down three bottles of (insert alcoholic beverage here) because of my drinking game. After I crawl my way to a hospital and have my stomach pumped, I shall see you all on Friday for my Final Thoughts. Take it easy Bucket Heads!
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Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
... I should watch at least one of these. Meet the Spartans? Epic? Superhero? Does it matter?
Also, do you think the older parody movies were actually good, or do they seem that way because we were younger?
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I don't know how I can handle these movies either. The comedy was so bad I felt like turning this off more than once. I really hate bad comedy movies that are full of lame jokes. Please don't watch any of these movies as you will feel a bit of your life has just been wasted.
I think the older parody movies were good for their time. I can see watch some of those movies and get a laugh but when you go back and watch them today - you can't help to think "Wow what the HELL was so funny about that movie!?".
A good example, me and my friends watched a Lesley Nelson movie a while ago - the one based in outer space. One friend and I thought it would be funny because we remember Nelson' old movies being funny. Our other friend just thought Nelson was an idiot. We started watching it and switched it off about fifteen minutes later. It's amazing what we found funny as kids...