Double Dragon – Synopsis
July 25th 2008 02:05
Category: D
Jimmy and Billy jumped out from their dark and violent video game into a childish and cartoony movie. Trust me, it is as bad as it sounds.
Want to see some past, and crappy, posts on this movie? Check them out here!
Once upon a time there was an ancient Chinese King who forged together an amulet of great powers over the soul and the body. Knowing this was too powerful he split the artifact into two pieces and hide them in separate parts of the world, hence the name Double Dragon. It sounds crap already I know don’t remind me.
In ancient China there is a raid on a monk village by evil masked bandits. They can’t get the information they need from the guardians of the amulet because the monks are either dead, or they have their tongues cut out. They go to the temple where the artifact is being held and find one half of the Double Dragon medallion. One of the bandits then calls his boss and tells him they found it. Oh wait its not ancient China but instead is a stereotypical Chinese poor village in the modern day world.
It’s the year 2007 and we go to the kingdom of New Angeles, it’s like the rebuilt version of Los Angeles as it was leveled out by an earthquake. Why is it that whenever there is a disaster movie set somewhere it’s always L.A? We go to the evil castle of Koko Shuko, a white guy with a really bad haircut who is using a Japanese name so he can pass himself off as being Japanese. He is happy that his goons Linda Lash and the two Japanese Jews found him the medallion but is annoyed its just half of it. He shows off the power of the amulet he has, the soul, with really bad special effects. He wants the other half really bad damn it! For some reason he always wears sunglasses even in dark rooms.
There’s a big underground karate fighting tournament where lots of children, teenagers and an Asian midget are cheering on the combatants. In one corner are our heroes Jimmy and Billy Lee managed by their guardian mother Satori Imada and in the other corner are two genetic guys in karate outfits. It turns out Satori has the other half of the medallion. Jimmy is kicking some ass in this tag team style match but Billy tags himself in, gives his opponent a noogie and gets his team disqualified. What an asshole! All the kids are pissed off and start a riot.
There’s a new report were Andy Dick is the weatherman. And when I mean Andy Dick I mean Andy Dick is playing himself, Andy Dick, he isn’t playing someone else he is playing himself. He tells us about the curfew which means once the sun goes down the gangs run the streets. Yes people, the cops in this city are too chicken-shit to do anything about the growing gang violence so they just came to an agreement.
Seems like Billy and Jimmy didn’t listen to Andy Dick and are driving around in their station wagon that looks like a modified Batmobile. While driving around they run into a gang called the Mohawks, lead by the bad ass Abobo and his sidekick Smartass. Jimmy checks the computer in the car that lists all the gang data to confirm this. A crappy car chase occurs with our heroes burning rubbish to speed the car up. What a great way to promote global warning for to our children. The Mohawks catch up to Billy and Jimmy, crash their car and are about to kick their ass when the bad-ass pre-teens of Power Corps show up and save them. Mohawks run away while Marian, the leader of the gang, flirts with Billy. Jimmy gets annoyed and drags Billy away which makes me think that Jimmy has some sick incestuous feelings towards his brother.
Jimmy and Billy go home and Satori gets annoyed at them for being out so late so she gives them some responsibility by giving THEM her MEDALLION. Now if you were to protect this from evil why the hell would you give it to these two idiots? She tells them her piece of the medallion contains the power of the body and it gives you the strength… of steel. I found that an odd choice why not just say the strength of twenty men?
Shuko speaks to Abobo about not getting the brothers for the medallion so to make him better he takes him to a machine, at which Abobo begins screaming like a woman on Jerry Springer who just found out her boyfriend has been cheatin’ on her wit some white-trash gutter ho! Marian’s at home with her dad, the chief of police, talking about how good Power Corps are but her dad’s convinced they are evil bastards. While this is taking place, it turns out Madonna married Tom Arnold. How do I know this? The new reporters told me.
We go to Billy and Jimmy’s home, which is in an abandoned theater and the two brothers are fighting over the medallion like little children when they are meant to be eighteen. Enter Koko Shuko and his dangerous duo of Japanese Jews! Jimmy engages one goon with some good fighting while Billy throws basketballs at the other. Jimmy battles it out with a pole while Billy unloads a gumball machine on his opponent then attacks him with a briefcase. As this is going on Shuko uses his medallion for the power of bad special effects to possess Satori.
As Jimmy and Billy celebrate Uber Abobo emerges stomping the ground and shouting “ROAR!!!”. Billy and Jimmy look at each other, scream like idiots and run around the theater which resembles the American Gladiator gauntlet run. They outwit the idiot Uber Abobo and trap him in a net. Shuko, now in Satori’s body, places her in a cage, comes out of her body and sets the place on fire. Billy and Jimmy try to break the door down but can’t. Now if I were one of these idiots I would use that medallion I had to give me super strength to rip the damn door down. They get Satori out anyway and as Billy and Jimmy run out of the home, Satori locks herself inside with Shuko. Shuko knocks her ass down and escapes before the theater explodes killing poor stupid Satori. Billy and Jimmy are all alone now, awww.
After kicking Satori’s ass, Shuko shows up to a large gang meeting involving all the gangs in the city. There’s damn freaky old guy who looks like the Hunchback of Notredame and he’s telling Shuko to go to hell. Shuko turns into a shadow and strangles the shadow of the Hunchback, which causes the body of the Hunchback to choke and die. All the gangs seem to love this and join Shuko in his crusade for the medallion. Meanwhile, back at the destroyed home of Billy and Jimmy, Uber Abobo survives the explosion and sets out to find our heroes. As for Satori, well she’s still a charred corpse.
Billy is trying to mourn the passing of Satori by looking at old photos of her and the brothers together, like they were a happy family. Jimmy doesn’t care, grabs the photos and throws them into the river. What a damn asshole this guy is! The poor kid is trying to mourn someone who was like a mother to him but Jimmy is all pissed off that his brother is giving a dead chick all the attention and not to him. Jimmy then realizes he IS an asshole and says sorry, so the brothers hug but they happiness is shattered as all the gangs in New Angeles attack the brothers!
For the next ten minutes the brothers run around screaming as they avoid gangs of cowboys, schoolboys, clowns, barbarians, Vikings and bikers that ride push bikes. The boys stop to fight off some guys, so logically instead of just everyone jumping the brothers at the same time they take them on one at a time. I HATE when this crap happens in a movie. Billy and Jimmy then high-five one another and run off to the docks where they escape on a boat. Don’t worry our gangs seem to have magically conjured up a bunch of jetskis for themselves with large machineguns on them, only they fire missiles. I didn’t see that one coming. They hit the boat and think the brothers are dead so they drive off, forgetting to get the damn medallion for Shuko? It’s ok people the brothers are well and alive so they decide to try and find Marian’s gang for help.
Seems like the gangs are breaking the truce and are now controlling the streets during the day AND the night. The cops aren’t going to do anything about it still accept for Marian’s father. Meanwhile Shuko IS pissed off the moronic gangs didn’t get the medallion so he orders his goons search for it. He then stops Linda Lash and tells her to stay while the Japanese Jews head off. I think I know what Shuko and Linda are going to be doing here. The two of them alone in a room with a big desk, Shuko whips it out and tells Linda to shuffle the deck of cards. They’re gonna be playing a good, clean game of Snap! What did you think I was going to say? Think I was going to say Shuko was gonna spray himself in whipped cream while Linda takes her whip and brings the pain across Shuko’s Asian wannabe ass? Yeah they probably did do that so let’s continue with the story.
In the Power Corps hideout full of video arcades, a pool of slime and a skating ring, Marian seems to have captured Abobo and is torturing him for information by force feeding him with spinach. Yes people, death via spinach. Abobo farts but that’s meant to be funny because it’s a kid’s movie. Billy and Jimmy fall down a trap and slide into the lair. They talk to Marian and try to use the power of the medallion. They think it’s working when they hear a weird sound but it’s some punk kid playing a joke on them. It would have been great if Jimmy the asshole brother punched that punk in the throat and curved-stomped his stupid face into the ground. Marian decides to help the brothers in their quest to stop the evil Koko Shuko!
The Brothers and Marian arrive at the Shuko building. Billy and Jimmy fight over who is gonna crawl in the vent shaft behind Marian cause she is wearing a pair of demin short-shorts. Damn she look fine! They crawl through the vent system and see Shuko and Lash talking to Marian’s father. While Shuko is distracted with Marian’s father trying to bribe him, the brothers try to fish up the other half of the medallion with a fridge magnet attached to a fishing line… these brothers aren’t the brightest heroes. Not only does this NOT work Lash sees them and hurls a spear at them. They fall out and a fight breaks out with Shuko chasing Billy, Jimmy and Marian down to the basement while Marian’s father beats the crap out of Lash.
Lash whips Marian’s dad with her whip so in return he pushes a statue on top of her, damn that’s pretty hardcore. Meanwhile the trio have stumble across Shuko’s experiments with dead bodies. Shuko takes possession of one and attacks them. Billy hits a switch to a fan and it sucks in the body Shuko’s in, then Billy holds on for dear life so he doesn’t get sucked it? This is stupid he wasn’t even standing near it and why doesn’t he just switch the damn machine off after he’s done with it? Shuko takes over another body that captures Jimmy so Billy and Marian get the hell out of there.
Channel 69 News, teeheehe 69, has informed us that the cops are getting their asses WHOOPED by the gangs! Marian’s dad, the chief of police, gives his men a big inspirational speech but his chickenshit cops don’t want to go out and do anything. Why the HELL would you become a cop and NOT go out and fight crime? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Meanwhile Shuko tells Jimmy that he killed their father when they discovered one half of the medallion before taking over Jimmy’s body.
Billy is in Marian’s hideout all sad about his brother. There’s soft music playing in the background and the two of them are alone together, on a bed. They look deeply into each other eyes and before Billy can ask Marian if she wouldn’t mind a little bondage in the bedroom the gangs of New Angeles attack! Don’t worry people the kids of Power Corps are kicking their asses. Marian and Linda Lash fight. Linda takes down Marian but she gets back up and takes out Shuko’s evil woman. Meanwhile Abobo has been locked up in a toilet. He gets up, looks at his ugly ass face in the mirror and starts crying though it sounds more like some type of disturbing moan.
Jimmy comes back to the hideout, remember its Shuko in his body, and he starts kicking Billy’s ass. Jimmy kicks and destroys an arcade machine that had Double Dragon on it… they cheaply popped the video game in the same movie the video game is based about. It really annoys me when they add the video game in the movie is about as if the name of the film isn’t enough of a hint. Billy finals gets the medallion to work and kicks the Shuko out of Jimmy. See what I did there? The brothers rejoice but Shuko takes Billy’s medallion and combines them together. Bad special effects follow as Shuko turns into a pair of evil black monks wearing a gorilla costume! Now, if the medallion was called “Double Dragon” shouldn’t it have been two dragons that emerged or at least have the monks wear the masks of dragons. No, instead they went with gorillas.
While the two Shuko’s are killing the brothers’ asses Abobo tells Marian Shuko is weak against the light. Oh so THAT’S why he always wears sunglasses! What a load of crap. Marian gets the generator working and shines light on Shuko which allows Jimmy and Billy to kick his ass. They get their medallions back and the badly animated spirit of Satori appears telling them to fight for justice! The brothers get new clothes and instead of fighting Shuko, Jimmy takes control of Shuko and makes him do stupid shit. It’s the type of crap that makes kids laugh like idiots and make adults beat the crap out of those same kids for laughing at something stupid. The cops FINALLY show up after all the gangs are defeated and Jimmy, in the body of Shuko, signs a huge ass check to the cops before they arrest him.
Everyone is happy now. Marian tells Jimmy that she fixed their “Dragon Wagon” which is the station wagon Batmobile and Abobo, now acting like Fat Albert for some reason, wants to drive the Dragon Wagon. Jimmy and Marian play along with it thinking its Billy and let him get drive. They get in the backseat, then Billy joins them, then they realize its really Abobo, look at each other and scream like idiots as Abobo speeds off into the sunset. The End.
[Yeah I know another lazy post since I've already posted up a full rundown of Double Dragon in the past. What are you going to do, show me a magic trick you know?]
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