Double Dragon - Part 2
December 31st 2007 23:12
Innocent young child playing an educational arcade game, or gang member of the most feared gang in the city?
Firstly allow me to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I hope the year 2008 will be an awesome year for you all. May it be a joyful and prosperous year for everyone, well unless you’re a bad director who is trying to make a decent movie from a crappy video game, (you know who you are).
So this week we’re looking at a popular video game called Double Dragon that was adapted to the big screen with disastrous results. Instead of seeing a dark, violent city full of murderous criminals and gangs viewers and fans were forced to sit through a movie based in a dark, violent city full of punk children trying to pass themselves off as a gang.
Wait what? A child gang? No I’m not getting confused with Children of the Corn or any horror movie involving demonic children or alien children or anything like that. This movie had a range of gangs all stolen from The Warriors however the gangs in this movie weren’t violent at all. Instead we were fed a bunch of genetic, stupid gangs full of idiotic members that couldn’t kill a person even if they had to kill a corpse. On that note I present to you:
URBAN GANG WARFARE!!!
I should note that in the movie everyone carries around this database laptop thing that contains information on all of the gangs in the city. It seems that the gangs and the police came to an agreement that the police would rule the daytime and the gangs would run freely in the nighttime. Yes, the police are too chicken-shit to go out there and mow down these punks with their guns and tazers and tear gas. Let’s move on to our deadly gangs.
There’s pretty much three main gangs in this movie, well only two I guess since one of them is mentioned briefly and just appears for a total of five minutes. There’s a bunch of random gangs in this movie each one having different gimmicks which are basically rip off of the gangs from the Warriors. The Warriors had gangs like The Furies, the Turnbulls, the Hi-Hats and many more bad-ass, deadly gangs.
This movie presented us with gangs like Bikers that rode push-bikes, gangs that looked like barbarians, clowns that used whoopee cushions to fight with and the crap goes on. These gangs are armed and dangerous wielding weapons like a handbag and a steering wheel. It’s really appalling but there has to be some really bad-ass gangs out there right? Right? Well let’s take a look at one of the first three major gangs in the movie shall we?
The Mohawks.
The big ugly brute is a dude called Abobo who is the leader of this gang. He wants always a huge steroid head but was turned into this huge guy thanks to the science of the evil Shuko. Abobo’s gang is made up of people with, well Mohawks, and they drive a big truck thing like the Turnbulls in The Warriors drove. This is one of the things the movie got right in that Abobo was a huge enemy in the gang that threw around barrels and crates. One of Abobo’s friends is his sidekick called Smartass Mohawk, that’s his name go check the credits if you don’t believe me, and the two share many bad quotes that will appear in another post later this week.
Shuko’s Corporation.
I don’t know what the hell the name of the gang is but I’ll just called it Shuko’s Corporation since the man himself is extremely rich and resides in one of those posh corporate building. In case you’re wondering yes that is Robert Patrick aka T-1000 from Terminator 2. Just like the actress who played T-X in Terminator 3 who played the lead role in the BloodRayne movie, Robert Patrick should really stick to non-speaking roles.
Anyway, Shuko is the guy who wants to kill Billy and Jimmy, take their half of the powerful Double Dragon amulet to combine it with his half in order to rule the city. Yeah screw the world when you can have one destroyed city full of pollution and idiotic gangs running around. Shuko is like Cyrus from The Riffs in The Warriors movie, the dude who unites all the gangs under one big gang to rule the city. Shuko’s only henchmen are Linda Lash, a chick with a whip that is just like the one in the game, and two Asian Jews called Huey and Lewis. Yeah, I think that speaks enough for itself. Despite all the gangs in the city there is only one who dare defy the evil Shuko and his plans for urban domination.
The Power Corps.
Judging from this picture I guess you can tell Who's The Boss of this gang. See what I did there? Cause Alyssa Milano starred in that crap 1980's sitcom "Who's The Boss". I know I know, I'm a genius thank you. Anyway this dangerous gang is lead by Marian, who was meant to be Billy’s girlfriend and the damsel-in-distress like she is in the video game. They are meant to be the most feared gang in the entire city. So what makes these guys so dangerous? Do they go around shooting people in board daylight? No. Do they randomly bomb targets throughout the city? No. Do they just hang around in their underground hideout skating and playing video game arcades all day? …yes.
Yes people, the most dangerous gang in the city hang around and play old school arcade games all day long. I should mention these punks are aged between 8 – 16. Every member is either young or one of those out-of-control teens with nothing better to do with their lives. Don’t let Marian’s innocent looks fool you. Piss her off and she’ll torture you by force feeding you spinach through a funnel. Yeah you read that and I dare you to go watch this pathetic scene.
So instead of seeing some bad-ass guys beating the crap out of our heroes with broken bottles, baseball bats, crates, whips, chains and every other deadly weapon a punk would carry, we have to watch Alyssa Milano feed spinach to some huge steroid freak that could have easily busted out of the ropes and crushed her Charmed skull with his bare hands. There is no word in the dictionary that can describe these gangs other than pathetic. I guess that’s what happens when you try to market a video game as family friendly when it should have been a dark, violent movie.
You think the gangs in this movie are bad? Just wait until tomorrow when I will run down the script and everything that happens in the movie. It’s going to get worse people, a whole lot worse.
You know what makes it worse? The kids of Power Corps seem to manhandle all the other gang members in the final showdown. Yeah, I know, pass the bucket over so I can hurl in it when you’ve finished please.
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