Bucket Movies Presents: Doom
April 20th 2009 00:13
Here we go Bucket Heads! It's time to see The Rock and a bunch of bad actors turn a kick ass video game into a terrible movie!
Here’s some advice to all directors out there: if you’re going to make your first feature film make sure you don’t do a movie adaptation of a video game. I’m serious. My Bucket Heads have learnt that video game movies that are good are extremely rare to find. The best is Silent Hill which was perfectly done. From the storyline right down to the warning siren that blares throughout the town, the director got everything perfect. Why other directors don’t do the same thing I don’t know (I’m looking at you Uwe Boll).
Well years ago I remember hearing some rumours about a little video game I used to play all the time when I was a young lad being produced. I couldn’t believe that this movie was being made and I was really excited about seeing it. That was until I started hearing about the bad reviews it got from critics. Many friends of mine saw it and begged me not to watch it. I figured they were right and I vowed not to watch it… until I had the idea for this website.
Doom was an awesome first person shooter that really set up the popularity of first person shooters all over the world. It was only right for Hollywood to honour this game by making a movie about it, right? Well… Hollywood and video games rarely get along. I think the only one good thing that came out of this movie was that Uwe Boll wasn’t the director. It could have been a lot worse…
Sarge and John have a serious heart-to-heart talk before going into the unknown.
On the year 2026 humans discover a portal that takes people to Mars. Nobody knows why the portal was built or who built it. I’d hate to have been the person who was the first one to step onto the portal and get zapped into outer space. Humans have developed a large research facility where scientists are being chased and killed off. It’s dark and blurry. One scientist opens a door and closes it as a woman runs. She tries to wedge her arms in the door but it gets caught and the monster rips her apart. HA! That’s what you get for not being supermodel thin!
On a Space Marine Corps base The Rock, I mean Sarge, is talking to someone about a mission on Mars. They need them to research the scientists and to destroy any threat there is. Sarge’s group of marines are bumming around in their quarters. One guy is playing around on a crappy Gameboy system (I thought this was 2026 not 1980) while other people are playing baseball with oranges… yes oranges. If this was the Godfather someone would have dropped dead in five seconds. A guy called Portman talks about how he wants to bang she-boys… and these are the people defending us from the bad guys. Sarge comes out saying they’re not going on vacation and tells them to get ready. Sarge tells a guy called John he isn’t going and says they’re going to the base on Mars. John’s worried by Sarge tells him to take the vacation as he looks deeply into his eyes. I thought this was Doom, not Brokeback Space Mountain! Get it!?
The Marines head off into the helicopter. They get their guns and it calls out everyone’s super cool army codenames… how lame. John doesn’t listen to Sarge and goes with the crew. His name is Reaper, because his surname is Grim! Get it? Grim Reaper! Portman the Pedo tells the young guy on the squad called Kid he wanted pussy and got him. Sarge plays them a video from the scientist’s labs on Mars and tells them what they’re going to do. Sarge has a talk with John who is sad. John says it’s been ten years since he has seen her and craps on about facing demons. The helicopter lands and they get out. They stand in a perfect V as a big column comes out from the ground. An elevator comes out and the marines go in. Kid falls behind and Sarge tells him if he pulls that shit off during the mission people are going to die. John’s sad still and looks up as the elevator goes down. For a marine this guy is a big pussy.
The elevator takes them to the Ark and the head nerd of the facility takes them to the portal. Sarge doesn’t want to know about anything about him and is focused on the mission. He tells them to stay away from the core or they’d get sucked in. Sarge says they have a six hour deadline to get the job done. John’s still sad as a big bubble comes out. Wait that’s not a bubble, THAT is the Ark! There’s your mysterious portal left behind an unknown race people – what a f***ing letdown that was, that or it was tight-ass producers holding back from the budget. John walks in front of it and gets sucked up. They all get ported and they all throw up. A guy called Pinky comes out and his upper body is attached to wheels. Apparently when he used the portal years ago his legs were removed and ported somewhere else.
Everyone checks their weapons that have cameras on them, making it looking like we’re in a first person shooter! Sarge orders a tough Asian soldier called Mac to stay with Pinky while everyone else moves out. The door opens and the troops go in. Everyone’s in lock down and Portman wants to strip search the ladies. He sees a hot scientist chick called Samantha and wants to strip search her. Samantha and John look like they know each other. Samantha has a funny voice as she tells she needs to retrieve data from the computers. She and John get into a fight – they are brother and sister! Sucks for John! She tells Sarge about the situation and plays back a bunch of screams and stuff.
Sam opens the door and Portman and a religious guy called Goat go in. Goat… oh cause people sacrifice goats to God! I get it! That or he f***s them. They scan the area and everyone enters. Pinky gives them a map and The Rock, I mean Sarge, splits up the teams, leaving John with Sam. Portman and Goat go in first and everything’s dark. Pinky’s watching them and says Mac doesn’t look like a Mac cause he is Asian. Mac tells him his full name which is a long Japanese name and Pinky gets it… but I don’t. They should have called him Katana or something mildly racist. The guys are going through a vent and it’s dark. There’s weird noises. Portman and Goat go into the Genetics Lab and see hearts beating in a jar. There’s weird stuff in the lab and a monkey in a cage goes apeshit, (monkey going apeshit teeheehee), and all the animals do as well.
Behold the mighty bubble that is the gateway between to planets!
Kid’s with Destroyer, a tall black dude, and they find a bloody lab coat. Kid is scared, maybe his nickname should have been Pussy. Portman and Goat look around some more, so do John and Sam. Sam’s getting the info. Pinky tells Portman and Goat to go north and they go to the room. It’s a hole in the ground and Goat says it is a holding cell. He makes Portman touch the space and he gets electrocuted slightly. Sarge and Duke, another black guy, are looking the armory and Sarge sees the gun the BFG – the Big F***ing Gun! Well in this movie it’s called a Bio Force Gun. Duke asks about John’s sister, and Sarge tells him their parents were killed in an accident on the archeological dig in this base. Duke wants to screw her while Sarge doesn’t get access to the BFG.
Why is this black guy called Duke anyway? OH! Maybe it’s a shot at Duke Nukem, another awesome first person shooter! Whatever, I’m going on with the synopsis.
Kid’s looking around in the dark and he is scared. He turns around and a wire comes flying at him. Kid starts shooting the place up. Destroyer tells Sarge it was nothing. John is looking at a skeleton of a woman shielding her skeleton baby. The skeleton’s called Lucy. Sam and John start fighting with one another. Sam shows John Lucy’s genetics and it reveals she is superhuman. She’s basically immortal – the people on Mars cured every disease and stuff. John asks “If they so smart why they so dead?” making him sound like a total moron… but that does ask the question “Why are they dead?”. John tells Sam to lock up as trouble comes.
Portman and Goat are looking around. They think there’s something in the dead scientist’s office. It’s dark… again. Something jumps at them and they shoot. It runs around and they warn everyone. John meets up with Kid and Destroyer. John looks around, and it’s Dr. Carmack – the scientist who locked the woman out of the room at the start. He is holding a human hand. He’s shivering and is really scared. Sarge looks at the hand and Sam tries to talk to him but Carmack rips off his ear. Well… I guess it’s not a “I’m glad to see you” thing but it will do. Sarge gives everyone new orders to do because he is the boss.
Portman is freaking out Kid, and it’s dark yet again. Kid asks Portman if he has any drugs for him to calm him down. Portman laughs at him and gives him some pills. Someone’s in the dark looking around and I dunno who it is… because it’s so damn dark. Oh, it’s John along with Goat. There’s a noise and it’s a can rolling down the stairs. Goat says “God damn it”, gets out a knife and cuts himself because he used his name in vein. He carves a cross on his arm. I’m glad I don’t follow that rule or I’d have no room left on my body for crosses. Portman and Kid are walking around and Portman sees something he likes. Portman turns to Kid, says there is a God, and there’s a naked hot woman with her back turned to the two. Kid calls her name and she turns around to attack them. They kill her. There’s “suffer” written on the locker, and it’s the woman who the doctor locked out at the start.
Sam opens up a warppy door thing and Duke goes in to check it out. Sam goes in with a nurse and they place Carmack on the table. The nurse has a husband called Steve. Carmack freaks out and grabs Sam. He says to shut down something and says its inside. John and Goat go back to genetics and everything’s been killed. It’s dark still. They look around and find chunks of meat on the cages. They hear a noise and it’s some scientist is eating rats whole. Rats ey? That’s an interesting zombie-type of thing. He grabs a knife and comes running at him. They kill him and tell the others the situation. Sarge and Destroyer hear something in the vents above them. They open the vein’s gate and Destroyer goes up to look. It’s, wait for it, dark. It’s a monkey and Destroyer falls back and shoots it. There’s blood coming from the hole and it’s chunky with black stuff in it.
The nurse is taking Carmack’s blood and they see the black stuff as well. Goat and John go to leave and they get attacked by something. They chase it around and they tell Sarge about it. It goes into the sewer. They all regroup and Portman goes down. Sam says she’ll handle Carmack and tells the nurse to go to her daughter. Duke comes up to Sam and look at Carmack’s blood. They turn around and the doctor’s gone from the bed! They don’t strap a guy to a bed who ripped off his ear while holding onto a severed hand!? What morons.
The group goes into the sewers. It’s nice and… dark. I can’t see shit. They look around and find a lab coat. It belongs to Steve, the nurse’s husband! Oh no! I should have seen that coming when the nurse was crying about it so much. They look around and it’s still dark. There are shadows moving around. Goat talks about how he is gonna kill the devil to psyche himself up! Portman gets dragged under and they reach around for him. They drag him up and he fell into a hole. Sarge’s pissed off. Everyone splits off into groups again. John and Kid turn around and aim. Kid talks to John about losing his parents and says his parents left him. John tells him to shut up and chokes him. He looks into Kid’s eyes, and they make out. No he just sees his pupils are big and gets pissed off for him doing drugs.
You know for twins, John and Sarah look nothing alike. I mean, one's blonde and one's black haired. I wonder which one the Rock will pick to sleep with...
John sees something come up on Kid and it disappears. John gives a warning to everyone. Goat’s light is off. He says he can’t see anything. He calls for Pinky to help him see and he can’t see. Neither can I because of how damn dark the movie is. Goat sees a lot of glowing eyes and something bites his neck. It injects a worm into him, and the guys come to save him. The worm pops out of Goat’s neck and swims off. The beast comes back and John punches it, and starts shooting it.
Sarge and John drag Goat to the medical room and Sarge tells everyone to get back to Earth. The guys put Goat on a table and they all start operating on him, talking about weak pulses and stuff. Everyone’s suddenly a surgeon as they try to help Goat, but he dies. Sarge is pissed off and starts shouting at Sam. They show her the body of the creature they killed in the sewers and she doesn’t know what’s going on. Portman gives her shit, and she says aliens don’t exist. Yes this is coming from someone who is on Mars because some mysterious race built a portal from there to Earth. Sarge tells Portman to shut the f*** up, and I start having flashbacks of The Rock cutting promos on WWF Smackdown. Destroyer, Kid and Portman go off to secure one door while Sarge orders Mac to secure the main door to the Ark. Sam tells them there’s another door to secure… the place where John and her parents died!
Mac gives Pinky a gun and leaves him alone. Sam is doing an autopsy on the alien and loses the needle in its mouth. She gets Duke to hold the mouth open and she reaches in, pulling out. Duke mentions the tension between her and John. Sam says she is annoyed John’s in the Marines and didn’t become a scientist. Duke randomly talks about how he and Destroyer are like brothers because they grew up together. They start flirting with one another and Sam gets Duke to get her a power saw.
Sarge tells the men they’re going to kill everything on Mars before they go back home. Portman says its stupid and they need reinforcements. Rock says they are that the reinforcements! I love clichés. Rock gets aggressive at Portman and tells him to get ready. Sam’s power is going on and off and she looks around. Sam calls for Duke and she opens the warppy door thing. She goes out of the room and looks around. She runs to the door and runs into Duke. Duke asks who is older, and Sam says she is by two minutes. There’s a vicious dog behind them and Sam backs off to the lab. The dog shits itself and another alien comes from behind and attacks Duke. He runs to the ward and she seals the warppy door, getting the alien caught in the middle of it. It spits a worm at them.
Sarge, John and Mac go down to the dig and they look around. It’s dark… what a surprise! Mac secures the exit. They find a lot of weapons lying around and stuff. There’s a noise and they turn around. It’s very dark now. John’s hearing voices and stuff from when they were kids. He walks up to a window and looks out. He hears the collapse that happened that killed his parents. Hears it but doesn’t see it because of the tight-ass producers cutting back the budget. Sarge asks if that’s where the accident happened, and John doesn’t want to talk about it. Sarge calls John and they find some dead bodies.
In the most random event of the movie, Mac turns around and gets his head cut off. Sarge and John run off to find him dead. Sarge finds a body and they hear the monster. It comes out and John shoots at it. They chase the thing and Pinky says it’s big and fast. Jesus thanks a lot for being general. Now they know what to look out for. Sarge and John go into the halls and see the blood trail. They go into the lab and look around. Everyone regroups Sarge tells Pinky to use a grenade so nothing gets through the Ark, even if it means blowing it up! Portman’s pissed off. Sarge splits up the men and Sarge goes off to the armory to get better weapons.
Sarge is alone and he walks around, in the pitch black dark. Sarge finds an arm on the ground as Sam cracks open the chest of the alien. The power’s going out again. A body comes out from the body bag, it’s Goat. Sam’s removing all the organs of the alien as Goat is coming up from behind. He is looking at them. Sam says the thing had its appendix removed – and that the alien is actually a human! They see Goat and he does the sign of the cross to them. He runs at the thick window and can’t get through. He keeps headbutting it as Sam keeps screaming after each impact, which gets really annoying after scream 50. Goat ends up killing himself. Well, that’s the first time I’ve seen a zombie commit suicide. Sam says Goat knew he was turning, and that the alien is one of the scientists.
Portman is pissed off about being on Mars and says he has to take a shit. I guess you can say he is in the SHITS! Destroyer lets him go off to do it. Sarge goes to the armory and uses the hand of the dead doctor for access to the BFG. Sarge calls it a big f***ing gun, like it’s meant to be called from the start! Bio Force Gun my ass! It’s dark yet again as Portman goes to the toilets and looks around. He goes into a stall as Destroyer looks around. Pinky asks why he can see the floor from Portman’s gun and Portman tells him he is taking a shit. Destroyer looks around and gets jumped by an alien. It slams him around and tosses him down the prison holding cell.
Shh be very quiet, I'm hunting humans that are being transformed into alien-like creatures because of an evil human gene!
Destroyer hears something land behind him while Portman is rewiring his talker and starts talking. Destroyer starts beating up the alien and swings a computer at it. The alien throws him into the wall and he gets fried again. Destroyer fights back and pins the alien against the wall with a pipe and climbs up a chain, but the beast grabs it and pulls him down. Actually I really don’t know what happened here because the cameras were positioned in weird angles and get this, it was f***ing dark. Portman calls for back up on his radio and hears something crawling in the vent shafts. Sarge looks around, sees Destroyer’s gun asks where Portman and Destroyer are. Portman goes for his gun and the clip’s empty. He drops his new clip on the ground and crawls across to get it.
Sarge looks around and finds Destroyer’s body. A monster sees Portman crawling under the toilets. His bum-bag on his back stops him, but he pushes it down, gets the clip, and locks his gun. I would have been pissed off if that little bag was the reason why he got stuck there and was killed. He gets out and looks around in first person view. There’s a rat on the ground, and he laughs. The beast grabs his face and drags him up. The beast grabs Portman’s legs and slams him around. Pinky laughs at him as he watches. The guys come and start shooting. It escapes as Sarge fires the BFG causes huge damage. Sarge loves the gun, but he accidentally killed Portman with it.
Sarge brings back the dead bodies as Sam is running tests and drips on the alien in the doors. Duke is crying over Destroyer. Sarge looks around and they tell him about Goat. They tell them about people turning into aliens. Sarge wants to know where Carmack is. Sam tells him to look at the alien in the door, it has no ear meaning it’s… it’s… come on you know who! It’s… Carmack! Sam says the people are turning into aliens, again, and they don’t know what’s going on. Sam thinks it’s a mutation of some types. Sam says their might be a cure, but Sarge says no and kills Carmack. He orders Kid and Duke to make sure all the other scientists are dead so they don’t come back as aliens. Looks like there is a cure and it’s DEATH!
Sarge is pissed off about losing his men and Sam doesn’t have any idea what’s going on. Sarge doesn’t believe it and John is pissed off at her as well. They want to know what’s going on and asks about the data. She shows them a video of Carmack injecting stuff into people – it was the DNA from the skeletons from the dig. Great, it’s not Hell coming through like in the other Doom games, it’s a virus. It was injected into some criminal. John pissed off and wants to destroy all the data on the stuff, but Sarge says that belongs to the USC and it’s their job to give it back. Sam tells Sarge she has to download more data.
Kid and Duke find one dead scientist, and shoot it but tell Sarge another is missing. They leave Sam behind to help search for the other one. Pinky hears something cutting through the Ark door. Sarge shouts at Pinky to use the grenade to destroy the Ark as they run to it. They go to the Ark, but Pinky’s gone. The system is rebooting and it will take 5 minutes. Sarge says get all the weapons you can and they’re going in. John tries to contact Sam but she doesn’t answer. Rock tells him to hurry and get her now.
John runs around and looks for her, goes into the labs and stuff and is running around in a dark place. Sam doesn’t understand why Lucy was normal protecting her young while other people were more violent. She uses brain matter from Portman on the worm and it goes wild. Uses it from Destroyer and it’s calm. She says the thing is picking the more violent people to infect. They think it’s an EVIL HUMAN GENE!!! It might have destroyed life on Mars so they built the Ark and came to Earth. John thinks Sarge is going to kill everyone being held at Earth’s Ark facility to prevent it from spreading. Sam grabs a tube of the evil DNA gene and they both leave.
Sarge gives Kid and Duke the order to kill anything that breaths to prevent the virus from spreading. Sarge goes first, then Duke, and everyone is already dead. Kid’s there as well and something attacked the place. There’s 58 minutes before the lockdown takes is removed from the place. The guys go around shooting every corpse they see so it doesn’t come back alive. They walk around again in the dark and look around. They see a group of “zombies” eating dead bodies. The guys unload on them.
John and Sam arrive and John asks where Sarge is, he is shooting up zombies. John tries to talk to Sarge but he is busy kicking ass. John says not all of them are infected, and shoots someone asking for help. Kid’s looking upset and scared and Sarge tells him to clear out everything. Duke’s looking around at dead bodies and can’t believe the mess. He starts shooting them all and sees Pinky on the floor. Kid goes into a room and sees parents with their children.
Sam tells Rock no one is going to be infected but Sarge says they have orders to contain the situation. John says they need to save the people, but Sarge can’t let that happen. Sarge is set on killing everyone. Duke brings back Pinky and Pinky says it followed him. Sam checks him to see if he’s infected but Sarge decides who is infected. He goes to shoot, but Kid comes and tells him about the people in the room. Sarge tells him he should have killed those people. Kid says he didn’t because they are scared, but Sarge says to kill them. Kid thinks its wrong, but Sarge says it’s an order and to do what he says. Kid says he won’t do it, Sarge demands, Kid says no, so Sarge shoots him in the throat. Thank God, that shithead was getting annoying.
Now THAT'S a Big F***ing Gun!
Sarge says it was Kid’s fault for not listening to orders. Damn right it was! John’s all upset about it, and Sarge tells him that he needs soldiers and not pussies. Damn right again! John closes his eyes, gets his gun and looks to kill Sarge, but Pinky aims a gun at them both because he doesn’t want to be killed by a madman. They look behind him and Pinky asks if something is behind him. The alien grabs Pinky and drags him off. Sarge gives chase with Duke and John. John tells Duke to get Sam. Sarge and John go ahead. It’s dark yet again.
Duke and Sam come running and Duke tells her to wait. He goes into a room as Sarge and John wait. John can hear something and it’s a zombie. More zombies start coming and they start shooting them up. They go through the warppy wall thing and shooting them through it. It closes up slowly but and gets dragged through the vent on the floor. Sam screams like an idiot. The door isn’t closing and an alien drags Sarge through the door. He yells he wasn’t meant to die. John keeps shooting as the door closes. A bullet John fires bounces off it and hits him in the leg – what are the odds of that happening!? Sam is still screaming and helps John run away.
John and Sam seal themselves off in a room and barricade it. John sits down as Sam treats the bullet wound. John gives Sam the grenade to blow up the portal and John’s getting cold. She wants to inject him with the evil DNA gene and John doesn’t want it. Sam says it can save him and John says he has done bad things – meaning it might take over him. She says she knows him and that he’s her brother. He gives her the gun incase he turns and she says she won’t need to. She injects him and he passes out.
John wakes up and now we all get to experience some awesome first person action! It’s like WE’RE the ones in the movie now! John looks in the mirror and he has been completely healed up. He gets a gun and walks around killing zombies. The bad effects and bad camera angles are accompanied by bad rock music. For the next five to ten minutes we’re in this bad movie seeing John killing zombies and aliens. It finally ends when John reaches the elevator area and sees a huge tunnel made by the BFG. Sam’s lying on the ground and Sarge is standing near her. Sam looks up and John tells her to get to the elevator.
John asks about the survivors and Sarge says he killed them all. He says that’s what they pay as for. The power comes back on in the station as Sarge craps on about evolution. I thought this was about doing their job and not about evolution. The two start shooting at one another and start running around the place. They can’t find one another because it’s dark, and I can’t see anything because it’s dark. John shoots the BFG out of Sarge’s hands. They decide to have an old school fist fight. Not only did the virus give them super strength and speed, but it gave them awesome kung fu skills as well. John wraps one of Sarge’s arm around the railing and is trying to get the other around as well, but Sarge tears the railing out and throws John to the first floor.
Sarge comes back wrapping the rest of the railing around his fist, and punches John in the face. He punches him in the stomach and into a pillar. Sarge throws him around, so does John. John is trying to strangle him. Sarge has the wire through John’s hands trying to push it through his face. Sarge is being to change his form. John activates the Ark and swings Sarge into it, holding onto the wire in his hand. He pulls his hand out the wire and Sarge goes back to Mars. John throws a grenade in afterwards and blows up the Mars portal, along with Sarge.
Back on Earth John has Sam in his arms riding the elevator up to the surface. He says they are almost home. The movie ends with the credits rolling out to an even worst first person shooter mode. Terrible, just terrible. The movie might have not sounded that bad but it was. It made me want to cry to think of how much the video game was just bastardized. I’ll save my rage for my final thoughts. Until then Bucket Heads, take it easy and always carry a BFG with you!
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Comment by Damo
Yes it is one pretty bad movie.
It made no sense whatsoever.
Too many unanswered question being answered with dumb answers.
I don't mind all the killing but did everyone have to be a cliche?