DOA: Dead or Alive - Part 1
March 10th 2008 01:14
Category: No Category
After watching this movie, I'd rather be dead.
Hello Bucket Heads from around the world and welcome to another addition of the Bucket! I hope you’ve all been having fun during this long weekend (If you’re Australian that is) and what better way to put some more fun into your day than with a brand new movie plucked out fresh from the Bucket.
Where do I begin? Let’s look at a huge rule in the movie industry, if you are going to adapt a video game into a big motion picture for cinema there is about a 90% chance your movie is going to suck. There have been some exceptions I will admit I have seen some movies that were based on video games. Some examples of very good video game based movies are Silent Hill, the cartoon animated Street Fighter movie but the best, in my opinion, would have to be the CGI-animated Final Fantasy 7 movie. There are others that were ok, nothing special just ok, but the majority oh… oh how the majority SUCK!
You’ve seen a few examples here already if you’ve been following this website from the beginning such as Double Dragon and BloodRayne. If you want to see more terrible video game based movies, just look at anything Uwe Boll directs. Don’t worry people there is a Hell and Boll is heading straight for it. In fact, expect the majority of his movies to be reviewed here in the future. Anyway, let’s take a look at a video game called DOA: Dead or Alive.
Now I will state this straight up, I have never played any of the DOA games before. I know the general idea of it though, it’s a fighting whose roster is heavily focused on extremely hot women who have huge breasts and wear revealing clothing. So pretty much the movie was the same however no amount of hot chicks could save this movie to where it was headed. So sit back, relax and get ready to rip the hairs out of your heads Bucket Heads as we begin our review.
Ayane wants to kill Kasumi to restore her order after betraying the Ancient Modren-Day Japanese clan.
We’re soaring through a bright blue sky with many clouds as we head towards a tall mountain in Japan. There’s an ancient palace guarded by hundreds of samurai warriors as the clan’s princess Kasumi is having a talk with her friend Hayabusa. He is trying to convince her not to leave the clan to find her brother but she doesn’t believe him and pulls the old “I’m not cricket in a box” card. See what she means is that she isn’t a cricket that you keep locked up inside a box. She wants to fly free like the butterfly through the Autumn winds. Alright I know this is going nowhere so let’s step up the show.
Hayabusa warns Kasumi that if she leaves she won’t be leading the clan anymore and that everyone would be forced to kill her for betraying her people. That’s pretty harsh in my opinion but you gotta do what you gotta do. Kasumi doesn’t care and runs down the stairs while the hundreds of samurai warriors follow her. They are all ready to attack but decide that she is no cricket in a box and let’s her pass. Ayane jumps out, she has purple hair which looks pretty, and threatens to cut her throat with her samurai sword. Kasumi grabs her sword and the two dance around with swords, but not as stupid as Ecks and Sever did during their tango fighting on the rooftop. Let’s not go back to that movie ok?
Hayabusa doesn’t want Kasumi to leave and neither does Ayane. Kasumi starts running across everyone’s shoulders, throws the sword into the stone wall and jumps on it. She then leaps over the fifty foot high wall, OVER the palace and OVER the entire mountain before ripping off her geisha clothes to reveal her skydiving suit? What the hell? I thought we were in Ancient Japan not Ancient Japan stuck in Modern-Day Japan! We get to see the most ridiculous jump even by the Matrix standards and then we all get tricked thinking we were in Shogun-Era Japan? I’m already pissed off. Anyway someone throws a ninja star at Kasumi, as she is parachuting in midair by the way, and it’s an invitation to the DOA Tournament. God, it’s only been about ten minutes and you can just smell the crap right away.
Next we go to the China Sea and there’s a blond American Texan girl (how ironic that she’s a redneck) called Tina. She is working out on a yacht and she gets a call from her father. Tina is a wrestler and her dad wants to fight some upcoming match but she doesn’t want to. A group of Chinese modern-day pirates show up and want to take the boat from her but Tina tells them she’s going to leave them all in excruciating pain if they don’t get off her boat. If someone is threatening my life the last thing I would want to do is start treating dangerous thugs like they were my next opponents for a wrestling bout. Well these pirates suck so Tina kicks all of their asses and dumps them into the ocean. Out of nowhere a ninja star flies out and she gets invited to the DOA Tournament. Man whoever is throwing these things must have a really good shot.
Now we’re in Hong Kong or Shanghai or some Chinese city, sorry I kinda lost attention after the whole ancient Japan thing, and some cops come in to arrest an Australian chick called Christie. She just stepped out of the shower as well and she’s wrapped in nothing but a towel. Turns out she stole some diamonds so she asks to get dressed while doing a little “Basic Instinct” acting for the men. One of the cops hands her a bra, and she proceeds to kick everyone’s ass while managing to cover her nipples. She then manages to put on her bra after it was thrown up into the air before beating up some old guy for his clothes and takes off on a motorbike. Someone throws a ninja star at her and she gets invited to the DOA Tournament. Man I’d be pretty pissed off if that person threw my invitation and it got me in the head.
Back in Modern-Day Ancient Japan the new master of the clan tells Ayane she is to kill Kasumi for betraying the clan. Meanwhile a bunch of people are on a nice jet headed to the location of the DOA Tournament, which as a ten million dollar prize for the winner. On this plane is Tina’s father Bass who is played by wrestler Kevin Nash and some annoying black dude with a bad Mohawk called Zack who is trying to pick up every woman on the plane. Kasumi meets up with her brother’s friend Hayabusa while Christie meets her boyfriend and crime partner Max, who gave her up for the cops back in Hong Kong. Everyone is told to grab their parachutes and jumps out of the plane now to get on the island. Wow, why couldn’t the pilot just land the damn thing?
Everyone jumps out and Tina, Christie and Kasumi manage to land on the same spot. They all start getting into arguments over nothing and start racing up some statue that’s being constructed to get to the top of the mountain. I have to say this is the most fake scene I’ve seen in a movie. They are scaling up poles and scaffold like they are crawling. Yeah it might be a movie but it’s so damn fake it’s a joke and for some reason they are moaning like they are in the middle of hanky panky. They get stuck so they decide to help each other out. Christie’s butt crack and g-string gets exposed as they reach the top.
Holly Valance, not only did her singing career fail her acting career took a beating as well after this movie.
Max just reached the entrance of the island’s base and a young chick on roller-skates called Helena greets them. She leads them through the island showing them around it’s facilities. This is where they meet Donovan, the guy holding the tournament. He talks a bunch of crap and puts everyone through a psychical test. Everyone who is getting tested does a bunch of stupid crap to annoy me, like Zack doing a bit of hip-hop dancing and Bass accidentally destroys a desk. Weatherby, some dorky kid running the science room of the island, is perving on all of the girls in the tournament. They inject some technological cells into everyone that records their data, their stamina and pretty much everything that they are doing. We’re not even half way through this movie and it’s getting more stupid by the minute. How much more ridiculous crap can they cram in?
It’s Day One of the tournament and everyone is in heavy training in slow motion. No, we’re not playing the drinking game where you have a shot whenever a slow motion effect is used. Donovan explains the rules to everyone which is simply put you’re out of the tournament when you get the crap kicked out of you. There’s a bunch of random fights going on all over the place with the data showing people’s health bars? When someone gets knocked out a female voice shouts “KO!” and followed up with “So-and-so Wins!” just like a video game… this has to be the WORST thing I have ever seen in a movie. Jesus, how the HELL had the idea of adding in health bars and video-game commentating in a movie!? Could you imagine health bars appear in a Jackie Chan movie whenever he gets hit or hits someone?
Trying to forget this crap, Kasami has a flashback of her being tied up and gagged… in a temple with some thugs. Don’t worry the movie is rated PG-13 or something it’s not rated R where being tied up and gagged would lead to something else. Anyway her brother shows up, kicks everyone’s ass and saves her while throwing around a bunch of poisoning needles. He gets a ninja star DOA invitation thrown at him and takes off. Kasumi snaps out of it and Donovan greets her, telling her about how her brother died against a guy called Leon. Kasumi has another flashback of her brother leaving for the tournament before waking up in a tub full of rose petals. Hayabusa tells Kasumi that Ayane is here to kill her and Kasumi tells him that Donovan is lying about her brother. Hayabusa wants to help Kasumi find out the truth… and probably try to get into the tub with her later on.
Christie goes to Max’s room and they start talking. Max convinces Christie to steal $100 Million that’s hidden on the island somewhere and make their pact official by making out. Meanwhile Zack hops into a spa that Tina is sitting in and attempts to seduce her. Donovan is with Weatherby and announces that Kasumi is going to fight Leon, the guy who killed her brother, right now. Leon comes out and he is built like a damn TANK! Kasumi is in her room when Ayane strikes from behind however Leon bursts in and the two begin fighting with Leon kicked her ass. Kasumi fights back and the two fight in the hallway of the hotel.
Tina, the all-round classy stereotypical Texan redneck American gal.
We go back to Christie and Max who are in bed together which makes me wonder if that was the shortest sex scene in history. Leon and Kasumi burst into their room while Zack is trying to get it on with Tina. Kasumi and Leon are still fighting in Christie’s room and she is now kicking his ass. Kasumi thinks Leon didn’t kill her brother. Tina tells Zack to close his eyes as she gets out of the spa and takes his pants. Leon gets kicked out from the room and lands in the spa with Zack.
Christie and Tina are in bed together for some reason and Christie talks about fighting her father in the tournament. Bass comes into the room and tells Christie they have to fight tomorrow, then realizes his daughter is in bed with another woman and gets excited. Yes folks, a father is getting a hard on that his daughter is a lesbian. Christie tells her dad they aren’t screwing but Bass leaves with a huge grin on his face. Donovan finds Max flirting with Helena, who is the daughter of Donovan’s old friend that mysteriously died allowing him to take over the island. He sends in some huge dude called Bayman to kick his ass so Max kicks one shoe off his foot and nails him in the groin, and kicks off the other shoe at his head knocking him out cold. I’m glad I watched this, so the next time I get attacked by someone double my size I now know to throw shoes at them.
It’s Day Two and Kasumi is using acupuncture on Tina. Bass comes and thinks Tina is banging Kasumi as well. The daughter and father start fighting then agree to make their match official by fighting on a lake and whoever falls in the water loses. The fight and Tina kicks the crap out of her dad and drops him in the water. That was… pathetic. Everyone is at the beach and all the girls are in bikinis exposing their hot bodies. Christie gets pissed off when she sees Max with Helena. The girls decide to play volleyball and it’s going to be Kasumi and Tina taking on Christie and Helena. Hayabusa gets all nervous around Kasumi - he wants her bad - so he decides to explore Dovovan’s lab, who is out watching the game on the beach.
Who is going to win this volleyball game? Will it be the team of Kasumi and Tina or will it be the team of Christie and Helena? What will Hayabusa discover in the lab? Does anyone even give a crap about this movie? Well let’s find out what’s going to happen next!
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