Curse of the Komodo - Part 3
December 19th 2007 09:51
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Prof. Phipps: "So instead of genetically modifying food on our top secret military island, you're telling me we produced giantic mutated Komodos!?"
Dr. Porter: "I was a porn star in the 80's and even I think that's f***ing stupid!"
Dr. Porter: "I was a porn star in the 80's and even I think that's f***ing stupid!"
In my last post I stated that I would be looking at certain parts of the script that stood out to me in terms of extreme suckage. Today, I will throw that out of the window. It is hard to find certain scenes of a movie that completely blow when the ENTIRE movie just simply blows.
Normally at the end of my reviews I will post up a bunch of things about the movie I disliked/liked etc, and I would include my thoughts on the plot and script work. Today, I will be looking at the plot and script work. I cannot summarise all the crap this movie spews up so instead I will tell you all what happens as quick as I can while highlighting some terrible scenes.
Go get yourself a nice beverage, some nice snacks and a gun to blow your brains out Bucket Heads because it’s time for a story. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you:
THE STORY OF THE CURSE OF THE KOMODO!!!
Once upon a time on an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean that was home to genetical modified Komodo dragons. These gigantic beasts were dangerous, killing and eating everyone on the island, but couldn’t manage to break down a stupid electric fence to get to the asshole scientists who were responsible for creating them.
One day in the kingdom of Pearl Habour, (don’t get me started on that God damn horrible movie), an asshole General tells Prof. Nathan Phipps and Dr. Dawn Porter that there attempts to create genetically modified food as ended up in mutating giant Komodo dragons. Yeah, like the damn military are actually concerned about ending world hungry. General Asshole wants the two professors to go down to the island and remove every trace of evidence, though technically for that to happen the two of them would have to die in order for ALL of the evidence to be removed. The two decide to help their country and fly off to the magical island.
On another island somewhere the bad, bad jock moron Drake, his porn-star looking girlfriend Tiffany and their stupid sidekick Reece rob a bank. Blake kills the manager of the casino because he is a bad ass and the trio takes off on a helicopter piloted by Jack. They get caught in a storm and the helicopter crashes, amazingly on the same island as the Komodo dragons.
Prof. Phipps and Dr. Porter land on the island. They are with Prof. Phipps’ daughter Rebecca, who is a huge porn star, and two other guys called Jason and Hanson. Hanson has been bitten by the Komodo in previous battle and is feeling the effects of its poison. The giant Komodo dragon moos ferociously, (yes you heard that right), but never fear for the electric fences are keeping them at bay.
The next day the bad guys are fighting because the helicopter is broken so they decide to go to the waterfall for a swim. Our good guys decide to venture out from the safety of the fences and go off to the waterfall as well. The Doctors do some research, Rebecca splashes around like an idiot in the lake naked and Hanson, who was poisoned, drops dead. The good guys find their dead friend and cry, when suddenly the evil Komodo attacks! The bad guys are near and after hesitating, join in the shooting of the Komodo with the good guys for five minutes. After realizing FINALLY that the bullets are doing jack, they speed off with the Komodo giving chase like T-Rex chasing a jeep in Jurassic Park. They all get away and decide to help each other survive!
Inside the house, Dr. Porter talks to Tiffany about banging Prof. Phipps while Rebecca is sad and mad at her father for making the monsters that killed her boyfriend Hanson, but she’ll probably be dating a LOT more guys after they get off the island anyway.
Back in the kingdom of Pearl Habour General Asshole tells his moronic sidekick that he actually wanted to make these dragons in the first after he got the idea from watching a movie. Yes he got the idea of making gigantic monsters from watching a movie that had gigantic monsters. And as I am typing this I am bottling in my anger and rage incase I type and post something I will regret later on that will have this website shut down.
Back on the island and Reece, Drake’s goon, is dying as he got poisoned from the Komodo while everyone else is making copies of information to blackmail the government for some reason. The lights go out, the men leave the house while the women stay inside with Reece, who is now dead but comes back as a Zombie. The women come outside as the Komodo comes outside as well, and eat the zombie Reece. After 10 minutes of shooting, the Komodo dragon leaves because he is sick of the movie.
Tiffany tells Drake she doesn’t want to live a life of crime anymore so Drake says when they get off the island they’ll start anew, even though they’ve robbed millions of dollars and would be hunted down for murder. Prof. Phipps gets pissed off at General Asshole since he is not helping them, so everyone packs up their things and heads back to the helicopter to they can fix it and get the hell off the island. Little do they know that General Asshole is going to have the island DESTROYED WITH NAPALM!!! (DUH DUH DUH!!!)
Now our story feels like Lord of the Rings with our heroes venturing through the island. The Komodo dragon pops out and attacks, killing Jason with a swipe of its tail and he then chases Tiffany. Tiffany is too stupid to think so instead of running around a huge tree, she decides to stop and let the Komodo eat her. They hide in a hut and stay there overnight. While in the hut, Prof. Phipps and Dr. Porter decide they’ll be banging each other after they get off the island, but zombie Jason comes and bites the Professor! They kill him then take off as dawn approaches.
They reach the helicopter, but the Komodo dragon comes out again! After shooting at the dragon for another 10 minutes, Prof. Phipps decides to hold a bunch of C4 and run at the dragon. The big lizard eats the Professor then explodes! They fix the helicopter but the army comes along and starts bombing them with their terrible explosion effects. Drake gets pinned down so Jack, Dr. Porter and Rebecca the porn star daughter take off.
Back in the kingdom of Pearl Habour the media have a field day with the information about the giant Komodo dragon project. Since he is a pussy, General Asshole kills himself. Drake is still stuck on the island but its ok, because there are tons of giant Komodo dragons that will be keeping him company! And they, but the people who died horrible deaths, lived happily ever after! The End!
See how terrible this crap is? I don’t even need to explain why just go back and read the summary a second time around if you have to. This crap sucked and if you still don’t believe that it took me over 3 hours to watch this crap because I kept stopping it, I DARE you to watch this. But like I advised to a Bucket Head, go have a hip replacement while fully awake because you’ll have a lot more fun. Tune in tomorrow for the awesome quotes that these idiots spewed out of their mouths.
Terrible script just damn TERRIBLE!
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