Catwoman - Synopsis
July 8th 2008 10:42
Someone not only had the bright idea of making a spin-off movie based on a Batman character, but they also got the bright idea of having Halle Berry play the role as well. Someone must have been smoking one too many joints.
Want to see some old school Bucket crap? Click here to see some past posts on Catwoman!
Our craptacular movie begins with the credits showing us various “Cat women” throughout the ages. We go to what is probably the coolest thing in the world – Halle Berry’s body floating in sewerage. The woman is called Patience Philips and that this was her story.
Patience is some stupid hippy-looking design artist for a huge cosmetic company. The company is currently marketing a new type of aging cream that can – wait for it – reverse the aging process. There are two people running the company: George Hedare who is the major owner and his wife Laurel, who is the face of the company. Well she was before she was dumped for a more attractive younger model. Laurel has a cry about it.
Meanwhile we go back to Patience’s boring life as a major screw-up. She takes a lot of crap from everyone, even from the guys living on the other side of her apartment building who have huge rock parties. Poor Patience can’t sleep because of the noise. The next day she sees a cat on her window and tries to go after it. She gets stuck on the window ledge – what kind of idiot even walks OUT onto a window ledge to get a wild cat anyway? A detective called Tom Lone thinks she is going to kill herself, runs up a flight of stairs and within two seconds saves Patience.
Later in that day Patience is talking to her boss George, who is pissed off at her crappy design work for the new cream. Laurel tells George to give the poor girl a break, so he gives her until tonight to fix it up. George walks off and Laurel starts bitching to Patience about being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. Patience it at her desk with her annoying friend Sally and Tom shows up to ask Patience out. Sally suggests to patience to wear her leather.
It’s night and Patience is hurrying to deliver her poster but the building is locked. She heads over to the company’s lab – located in a creepy area near a river – and manages to get inside. Laurel is with her scientists who are telling her the new cream has terrible side effects! Patience makes a sound, Laurel sends the goons off to kill her and a chase ensues. Patience escapes via a sewerage pipes and manages to somehow drown in it.
As Patience’s body floats onto some rocks, the cat she was trying to save before comes and breathes life back into her. Patience now has all the powers of a cat, unlike the real Catwoman that this movie was meant to be based around. Instead of an acrobatic cat burglar, we get a superhero. Patience heads back to her house and smashes the window to get in. Why she couldn’t just use the door I have no idea but she just ruined a perfectly good window.
The next morning Patience wakes up and has no idea of what happened. She meets a crazy cat lady who talks about how she was chosen by the cat. She gives Patience a bat full of catnip and she gets high from it. Back at her work George walks up to Patience and begins screaming at her about not getting the work done. Patience, who would have sat back and taken it, uses her “black woman gotta attitude” power and tells George he is an asshole. George fires her ass. Patience is back outside now, hissing at dogs and obsessing over a diamond collar. Get it? Cause that’s what cats do.
Patience is with her friend Sally who passes out. It turns out she was using the cream – because the company gave them free samples – and now she is in the hospital. Sally doesn’t care that she has been placed in hospital because she is looking to pick up a hot doctor. Patience leaves the hospital to go visit Tom, who is talking to a classroom full of African American and Hispanic children. The only white kid in the class asks Tom to whip out his gun, his actual pistol not his umm… “meat stick”. Patience and Tom play a little one-on-one basketball, which is the slowest game I’ve ever seen played, then almost start banging in front of all the children.
Patience is laying on her bed eating cat food… yes cat food, and starts getting pissed off at the neighbour having the loud music playing. She heads over to his apartment, busts the door down, and destroys his stereo system. Patience heads back to her apartment to go to bed, but decides to give herself a haircut and dye in ten seconds. She puts on some crappy leather suit, steals the motorbike of the guy whose stereo she just ruined, and takes off into the night. So instead of ruining that guy’s stuff so she can have peace and quiet, Patience decides to go out on a wild night?
Patience stops over at a jewelry store that is currently being robbed. One of the robbers strikes a glass case with his gun, and the glass breaks before the butt of the gun can connect. Patience starts acting like Catwoman really should now, saying stuff like “Perrrrrfect”. The robbers unload all their bullets on the spot where she was standing for five minutes, then Patience comes back to kick their asses, because apparently all cats know kung-fu. They even know how to stand on a guy while he is down and surf him around the store. Patience takes the jewels and leaves her mask behind at the scene, which is really great for evidence you dipshit.
The next day the cops are at the scene and they are talking about the female cat burglar. They begin giving her nicknames like Cat-chick and Cat-brude, until they finally come up with Cat WOMAN!!! Patience is on the internet Google-ing Catwoman. She’d get better results on IMDB.com in my honest opinion. Patience visits the crazy cat lady who tells her there have been other cat women in history, including the Catwoman from Batman Returns played by Michele Perfaier. Don’t you DARE get her involved in this heap of crap!
Patience makes the full transformation from Patience to Catwoman, including her very crappy dominatrix-like costume. Patience heads over to a nightclub looking for answers about who and why she was killed. She orders milk from a bar, sees one of George’s goons and beats him up for answer. The next day Tom gets stood up by Patience, who sends him a cup with “sorry written on it.” Tom sends it off to a handwriting analyst, who suggests Patience wants to basically screw his brains out. Yup… he had to get someone to check the handwriting to see if a chick wanted to bang him.
Tom and Patience go out on a date at a carnival. A Ferris Wheel starts breaking so Patience saves some kid that’s trapped. This is the sort of thing that Superman should be doing, but God damn Catwoman. George and his dumb bimbo model girlfriend are at a Cirque Du Soleil show, and the hot chick says that the show “is a total waste of time”. I was confused, I think she was talking about the show but it might have been a reference to the movie. Patience beats up George for answers, then heads up to the catwalk above the stage when the cops come after her. We’re treated to a boring confrontation between Catwoman and… Tom Lone! Duh duh DUUUHHHH!!!
At the Hedare residence George and Laurel have a fight. George backhands Laurel, who feels no effect of the strike. She says the cream has given her marble-like skin and kills her husband. Meanwhile Patience is out at a sushi bar with Tom and she is too occupied by the fish. She devours the sushi plate, and the two go home and make love. Tom wakes up in the middle of the night and finds lipstick on a cup. For some reason Cop finds a lipstick stain on glass so he takes it. They manage to match the lipstick stain to a KISS IMPRINT on Tom’s CHEEK, and it some how matches to Catwoman. Yes… we get a bit of crappy CSI in this crap movie.
Patience heads to Laurel’s place and gets framed for the murder. Patience runs back home, and Tom arrests her for being Catwoman. Wow that’s one screwed up love story isn’t it? Patience is upset in prison that Tom betrayed her and begs her to believe him, but he doesn’t. Tom heads off to talk to Laurel and while she is unguarded, Patience literally slips through the bars and escapes.
Patience heads over to the Hedare company’s building and sabotages the trucks about to ship out the new products. Meanwhile Tom has made his way to the building, looking to talk to Laurel. Tom now believes Patience, and Laurel is about to kill him but Catwoman arrives to save the day. Laurel sends her goons after them. Tom gets shot and we’re treated to the worst shot-victim acting I’ve ever seen in a movie before. It’s like he is hobbling around for a bit, walks around normal, then remembers he got shot. Catwoman fights the goons in a bad fight scene and beats them up.
It’s now time for Laurel to fit Catwoman, who laughs as the feline’s punches have no effect on the tyrannical cosmetic queen’s marble-like skin. So why is it whenever Laurel gets hit, she starts moaning and crying in pain? We all get treated to a bad fight scene for five minutes while a crappy RnD song plays. Laurel stumbles off a ledge, transforms into a dummy and flip-flops down to the ground below. The next day everyone goes home happy. Sally has managed to land a hot doctor for herself and poor Tom gets dumped by Patience. Who could blame her? The asshole didn’t believe she was innocent. Catwoman heads off into the night to live the life of a rogue, and I head off to the stove to melt that terrible movie that wasted a perfectly good DVD disc.
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Comment by Damo
It was worse.
So confused an disjointed that walked out as my kids watched then only came back for the punch up at the end.
If it wasn't rented I would have shredded it.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
It was funny though reading the reviews of the video game. Critics agreed that for the first time a video game was truly like the movie it was based on - utterly shit.
Comment by Hailey S
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
I think you're the only person that I know that actually likes the movie
Catwoman was terrible in that was nothing like what the character of Catwoman was meant to be. Catwoman was meant to be an acrobatic thief not some wannabe superhero with supernatural powers. That's the thing I like more about Batman and Batman's enemies than other superhero movies - the majority of them are just normal human beings.
For all the Batman fans this was a terrible spin-off. For most people who aren't Batman fans, it was a terrible movie associated with a Batman character. I don't think people would have bashed this movie as much as they did had it not been linked to the Batman franchise but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have been bashed.
Thanks for the comment.