Catwoman - Part 5
December 5th 2007 11:44
Category: No Category
Oh no tears please Bucket-Heads. She's just a selfish bitch.
Let me tell you all about a sad story of a woman. This woman fought her to get to where she was. She defied all who opposed her and was the head of the industry for a very long time. One day, she lost it all. She was knocked off her mountain by the younger women of today and was slowly phased out of the world.
Her name is Laurel Hedare and oddly enough she has a lot in common with the actress who played her in this crapfest of a movie, Sharon Stone. Bucket-Heads, allow me to introduce you to the world of:
LAUREL HEDARE!!!
We start our sad story of this attention seeking old brat with her company, Laurel Cosmetics. Run by her husband George, Laurel was the company’s “face”, meaning she marketed all of the wonderful products that they belched out. One day, while announcing the release of the miracle BS-Cream, George states in the meeting that Laurel is going to be replaced with a much younger and prettier model for the company’s marketing face. Poor Laurel gets all upset that she isn’t going to be the center of attention anymore.
Boo freaking woo! God, what a damn selfish bitch! If she cared about this company she would have said:
“Oh yes I understood that I am too old to be the company’s face. I’m sure my ugly, old face isn’t going to attract millions of women around the world to buy my company’s product. I’m sure they’ll want to look like this young, pretty thing instead of me!”
While Patience is sneaking around the lab trying to find someone to hand in her crappy resubmission of her work, Laurel finds out from her scientists that the BS-Cream has side effects. Laurel doesn’t care and when she hears someone is sneaking around, she tells her goons to kill whoever it is. Now, I thought she was trying to get pity for herself since she got replaced. She even stuck up for poor, stupid Patience against her husband. Now she’s neglecting the health and safety of millions of people as well as ordering hits on people she doesn’t know? Throw your compassion out the window for this chick Bucket-Heads because things get worse from here.
Laurel starts plotting ways to take over the company from her husband. At this time Catwoman starts making appearances at her home. Laurel, wanting revenge on her cheating husband, tells her some information to check out. Of course we all know its Laurel that had Patience killed the first time around so she ain’t fooling anyone but that damn Cat-bimbo.
One evening, Laurel is talking to her husband who backhands her. And this I am not making up. She doesn’t flinch but laughs, then proceeds to kill her husband. In perfect timing, or should I say PURRfect timing, (see what I did there?), Catwoman makes her appearance, but Laurel fames her for the murder! And in what seems to be more PURRfect timing, the cops show up but Catwoman escapes. Laurel takes over as the head of the company and pushes forward the release of BS-Cream! Oh so evil.
Laurel has a little chat with Detective Lone, and no she doesn’t start rhyming his name with other words like ‘cone’ and ‘bone’, unlike some other attention seeking woman, (I was going to say ‘whore’ or ‘ho’ but I think that might have been a bit harsh). Going on very, VERY, little evidence, Lone nails Laurel's evil plot on the head, so Laurel has her goons try to kill him. Enter Catwoman and here we go people, our grand final battle between these two woman!
While beating up Catwoman, Laurel reveals that the BS-Cream she has been using for years actually made her skin as hard as marble! Can you believe it!? Removes winkles AND makes your skin as strong as steel! So why the HELL is it when Catwoman hits Laurel in the face she is moaning and screaming in pain? If this skin made your skin like marble, you wouldn’t be able to feel a damn thing!
Laurel and Catwoman continue to have an awful fight, and I mean one hell of an awful fight. If you want to recreate this scene I would suggest you spinning in a circle around while flailing your arms around as you listen to a random RnB female solo artist. Catwoman claws Laurel’s face… wait I thought it was meant to be like marble? Can you smell the plot holes too? Laurel falls out of a window, holds onto the railing, looks at her ugly, old face in a window and falls gracefully to her death. And by “falls gracefully to her death”, I mean “throw a mannequin off the top of a roof and watch it flop around in midair until it bounces off the ground”.
This character sucked. I don't know what the director or writers were thinking of what they wanted to achieve from this character. They started her off trying to have the audience feel sorry for her for being pushed aside but made her come off as a big, spoiled bitch. Furthermore, she conjures up a plan to kill her husband, take over the company and make millions on the suffering of others? She just went from a selfish bitch to a cold hearted bitch in less than an hour. I kinda can't blame it though, after all the majority of the movie was trying to develop the character of Patience Phillips/Catwoman, but achieved nothing in the end.
And so ends the sad, sad story of poor Laurel, and as a matter of fact Sharon Stone too. While Laurel would lay dead at the bottom of the company’s lobby, Stone’s career would take off with Basic Instinct 2… *snickle* yeah… right.
Join us tomorrow Bucket-Heads when we dive into a pool full of cat references, and there’s a damn lot of them. See you then!
You know come to think of it, I remember people saying Catwoman was going to kick off Stone’s career again. Isn’t it funny they thought the same thing about Demi Moore in Charlie’s Angels 2?
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