Bugs - Part 5
February 1st 2008 05:22
Category: No Category
The Bucket's Survival Test, if they had only read this before stepping in to save the world they would be alive right now...
If you recall I reviewed The Core about three weeks or so ago. During my review I composed a list of survival tips for one if they are dealing with a certain disaster, mainly if one has to risk their own life to save the world. I stated that this survival guide could be used in any situation.
Today I will test to see if the rules of surviving a trip to the center of the earth can be used when one has to battle gigantic and vicious bugs. I will mark the students, who in this case our the brave fools risking their lives to save us from a species of bug no one has ever heard of before and will give them a final grade at the end. So, I present to you all:
SURVIVAL 101: BATTLING BIG BUGS!!!
Rule #1: Don’t volunteer to save the planet.
The most obvious point in survival is not to go down to save the planet at all and allow someone else to do it for you. I would say about fifteen people ventured down into the ‘world’s deepest tunnel’ as the corporation that built the damn thing would say and only two people come out alive. We’ve started off very poorly in the beginning of our test people.
Grade: F
Rule #2: Don’t go with friends or loved ones.
If you are going on a mission to save the earth and you find out that your best friend or loved one is going with it, you MUST not go. If you do you or your loved one will die. We all should remember this and all the other rules as well Bucket Heads I made it perfectly clear to you. What happened in this movie? The SWAT Leader has a girlfriend in SWAT who went with him and they both died. Not one of them died but both lovers died. That’s appalling, that is truly appalling.
Rule #3: Never give an inspirational speech or talk about what you’re going to do after the mission.
If you are giving a talk to someone that you care about or are trying to calm someone down with an inspirational speech on how that person will be leading future missions, you will most likely end up dead. One should also not talk about their future plans either. There is a lovely scene in the movie where all of the SWAT members start talking about what they are going to do when they get back to their loved ones. I should also add that this conversation is started by their squad leader who gives a semi-inspirational speech. What happens? Come on someone tell me. That’s right, they all DIE! FAIL!
Grade: F.
Rule #4: If you see gigantic floating rocks, get the hell back inside the ship.
I’m probably going to change this so let’s re-write it…
Rule #4: If you see something out of the ordinary, such as gigantic floating rocks, get the hell away from it.
That’s better. So if you happen to see something that’s inside big random hole in the wall do NOT stand around looking at it. Don’t even chase a shadow down the hall if you don’t know what it is either. Throughout the movie people were staring at holes and shadows only to be ripped apart like a little lamb. That’s a big no no and these idiots didn’t listen to their teacher.
Grade: F.
Rule #5: Do not talk about your family, EVER.
NEVER EVER MENTION YOUR FAMILY!!! This must be the key point in surviving a dangerous journey. Remember not to mention ANYTHING about your family or show photos, NOTHING!!! If you do you will DIE! ALL the SWAT members were talking about their families hell even Sir Idiot flipping through his photos of his children before he died. Remember folks if someone is looking at photos of loved ones or mentions their loved ones in a movie they are telling you that they are going to die.
Grade: F.
Rule #6: Don’t volunteer for life-risking tasks.
You should never put your hand up to do something that increases the chances of you dying by 99.99%. Did someone volunteer for a life-risking task? Yes they did. Did that someone live? No they didn’t. Am I pissed off that they didn’t listen to me? Yes, yes I am.
Grade: F.
Rule #7: Don’t rig a life-risking task so that you lose.
Well I’m glad that no one in the movie rigged a life-risking task so that they would be the person to die and not other people. However there wasn’t a situation in the movie that the rigging of a dangerous task was needed so this section gets no grade.
Grade: UG
Rule #8: Don’t suggest to turn around and go home.
Whoever complains about the mission failing and demands that the team turn back usually ends up dead. Many people complained about turning around and going back. In fact, the owner of the company that didn’t want his tunnel screwed up because of the bugs goes into the tunnel himself to tell everyone to get the hell out. What happened? I think you know the answer. That’s right; he died along with everyone else in the movie who complained about being in the situation and wanted to go home. That is why you follow the first damn rule; don’t go in to save the planet if you’re going to complain about it.
Grade: F
Rule #9: Don’t help ANYONE but yourself.
If someone is in trouble just leave them the hell alone and let them die for if you help someone in need, you will most likely die. Again this happened with Garcia helping Agent Pollack and his friends escape from the queen bug, only for him to be killed by the bug he saved people from. Tisk tisk Garcia. If you had come to class you would have KNOWN that you NEVER help people in need, EVER!
Grade: F
Final Grade: F
Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. They all had the warnings in advance but no they decided not to listen to anything that I said. They went in there blind as bats and they fell down a hole. Next time they will learn to lesson to my wise words and they will live to see another day. Tomorrow will mark the end of this bad movie so I will see you all then.
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