Bugs - Part 3
January 30th 2008 04:21
Category: No Category
If you look closely you'll find there is a dead body without any arms and legs.
I doubt many of you have seen this movie before so I am going to take some time today to give you the rundown of the movie. Though it only went for about ninety minutes, probably less, it still took away precious time from my life. So that you all won’t watch this terrible movie I did to save you the trouble so without anymore delay I present to you:
THE STORY OF BUGS!!!
We begin our story with a long crap credit roll. Every time a name appears on the screen it’s accompanied by one of those “SOOSH” noises. I can already tell that this is going to be a bad movie. After the bad credits finish a cop starts chasing a criminal through a tunnel that is under construction. The cop is scared from the sound of dripping pipes even though I thought you had to have a lot of balls to be a cop. A big scorpion comes out and butchers the cop and I sit back laughing at how bad the whole scene was.
A few hours later Pollack is on the scene investigating the murder. No I did not use a racial slur against Polish people that is the name of the FBI Agent, Pollack. Pollack examines the hacked up body of the police officer and notes the missing legs and arms. To make sure that Agent Pollack understands what happened, a cop on the scene tells him the legs and arms are missing. Pollack gets annoyed thinking he was called in for a serial killer he was tracking but this wasn’t his work. What a crybaby.
Remember Mr. A? He was the rich asshole I mentioned in yesterday’s post. Well Mr. A is pissed off about the murder in the tunnel and is pushing for all of his rich fat-cat friends to explore the deepest tunnel in the world with a train cocktail party. No, I’m not making this up.
Agent Pollack visits the coroner for information on the corpse and the coroner tells Pollack what he already knows… that the arms and legs were cut off. He also tells Pollack that the body seems to be eaten and gives him some insect protein acid that was found. Pollack decides to take it to his friend a bug expert called Emily Foster. He shows her the liquid but Emily doesn’t want to hear anything about it since she has to leave for her flight in a few minutes. To convince her to stay Pollack pours the acid on the sandwich on Emily’s desk. Via terrible graphics the sandwich is destroyed by the acid and this somehow convinces Emily to stay and help investigate.
Two things came to my mind after watching this scene. Firstly, why the HELL would anyone make themselves a sandwich if they have to leave in a few minutes for their plane? I could understand if it was in a paper bag but this was on a plate with a can of Coke next to it so it looks like Emily was going to sit down and enjoy that sandwich. The second thing that came to my mind, who the HELL would ruin a perfectly good sandwich? Pollack should have called in some random person from Emily’s work, poured the acid on their face and laughed as they ran around in extreme pain.
Anyway Emily checks out the body and… tells us that the arms and legs have been cut off by something sharp. God damn it, that is the THIRD person to tell everyone what we already know! Emily goes on a rant that no one really cares about but it has something to do with big insects. Pollack decides to take her to Mr. A and tell him about the situation.
Pollack and Emily visit Mr. A who has a top engineer in his room. I forgot who his name was so I am going to call him Sir Idiot since I don’t like him. Pollack and Mr. A argue about what’s going on in the tunnel. Mr. A tells Pollack he doesn’t want him going down there but Pollack abuses his FBI powers and tells him he is. At the same time this is going on, the rich cocktail party in the train is underway. Just as predictable as a race with one man competing in it, the bugs attack the train. We are all forced to watch rich people run around while tomato sauce is splattered all over the place as the sound of scissors cutting paper fills the air. Hmmm I didn’t know people getting mutilated by big bugs sounded like that.
Next up we see Pollack, Emily and Sir Idiot in the tunnel with a bunch of SWAT members. Pollack tells them the bugs are strong, aggressive and fast then Emily tells everyone they are fast, strong and aggressive. Why the HELL are people repeating everything that everyone says in this movie!? According to Emily these bugs move faster than the speed of light. That’s pretty damn fast considering she HASN’T seen a damn bug yet. Sir Idiot starts up the train and they venture down into the tunnel.
As the train is venturing into the tunnel SWAT start having a serious conversation with each other. Some talk about their family, some about their holidays coming up, one SWAT guy talks to his SWAT girlfriend on the train and says he doesn’t want anything to happen to her here. Hmmm… who wants to beat they are all going to die? Someone sees a shadow in the window so they do the logical thing and stop the train. They step outside, find a huge hole in a wall only to be attacked by the vicious, nasty, gigantic ants… well at least I think they are ants. These bugs look like a combination of an ant, a scorpion, a wasp, a monkey and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Tons of SWAT guys start dying and during the fight an explosion happens. The survivors get on the train and we find out not only is the train running low on fuel but the explosion has sealed off the entrance and… they are all running out of air! DUH DUH DDUUUUHHHHHH!!! Mmm… I could go for a bowl of mashed potatoes right now actually.
Emily is going an autopsy on ones of the bugs that some idiot managed to grab and take back with them. Seems like the nest was wet and the water hydrated them all after millions of years. Right… because that makes a lot of damn sense doesn’t it? Sir Idiot tells them he discovered the nest and reported it but Mr. A paid everyone to ignore it and continue work. The train loses power so Pollack and a SWAT member head over to a control room. Pollack gets the power to work, the SWAT guy gets killed by a bug and Pollack heads back to the train.
SWAT and the FBI guy have a fight about all the people who are dead and to make matters worse, Emily now says they can fly. What the hell? How the hell did she even get that? She is so full of random facts about bullshit that it’s stupid. The train comes to YET another stop and everyone gets out. Pollack, Emily and Sir Idiot get off to work the switch. The SWAT guys are setting up weapons as that crappy army-drum music plays. Pollack and friends, wow that sounded so racist right there, find a bunch of dead bugs and grab the huge metal ‘T’ down from a wall to active the switch. The SWAT guys meanwhile are making an electric fence out of chicken wire. Pollack and Sir Idiot use the big T to power up the generator and the bugs attack them all just in time! The electric fence gets switched on and the SWAT woman starts shooting while lying behind the fence. The bugs manage to knock down the fence and it lands on top her.
If you are going to watch this movie THIS is the highlight. I was laughing pretty badly at this horrible death scene. The actress cannot act either which made the scene even better. It was like she was working out her butt cheeks or trying to swim on the ground or something. At the same time I got annoyed. It took like 30 seconds for her to realize that the fence was falling so she could have you know, GOTTEN UP AND MOVED BACK but she didn’t. This will teach her for being such an idiot.
Garcia, who is the last surviving SWAT member is all going crazy about what is happening. They plan to destroy the tunnel by placing explosives in the train. The stop the train AGAIN and start loading explosions into the train while Garcia is rubbing the bug’s acid on his face? Does he think he is Rambo? As the bombs are being loaded on the train Mr. A appears and starts yelling at everyone about what they are doing, then asks if they want a big fat bribe. Pollack gets patriotic on his ass so Mr. A has another plan up his sleeve. Garcia goes crazy and tells them all something is coming to kill them.
A huge flying bug appears so everyone hides. The bug isn’t stupid and starts attacking them with its stinger. They run out from their hiding spots and head into another room. The bug follows them and Mr. A does the smartest thing I have every seen in a movie, he locks the bug in there with the others so he can live. Well played Mr. A, well played. Never fear for El Supremo Loco Garcia is here! He saves Pollack, Emily and Sir Idiot but gets killed doing so. Sir Idiot starts loading more explosives into the train while Pollack and Emily go after Mr. A.
Emily then randomly informs Pollack that the Queen Bug is coming. Did I miss something at the start of this movie by any chance because I don’t remember anyone mentioning that she was a damn psychic. Mr. A grabs Emily and locks her in the cage for the Queen Bug. Don’t worry people nothing bad is going to happen it’s a semi Hollywood B-Grade movie. Pollack rescues the girl, locks up Mr. A and the Queen Bug kills him. Sir Idiot tells Pollack and Emily to run while he donates the explosives, killing himself in the process. Pollack and Emily are cool about this, though they should have at least said once “NO YOU’RE CRAZY DON’T DO THIS!!!” but they decide to ditch him.
Pollack and Emily get attacked by the flying Queen Bug yet again but this time Pollack has an idea. He switches off the lights and gets in the forklift? He’s going to drive it at the bug? The bug comes out and Emily steps out shooting at it. Pollack raises the forks up, flashes his lighter and the Queen comes flying at him at full speed just as Sir Idiot detonates the explosives. The force causes the Queen to become impaled on the forklift and it step on fires by the explosives. Wow… what a load of crap that was.
All the bugs are dead now and everyone lives happily ever after. Pollack says he is going back to the FBI to do some filing and decides he might take up snowboarding. Emily says that she’ll teach him how to snowboard and the movie ends. Yes… you read it right… Pollack decides he wants to learn how to snowboard after he finishes his filing. That is how this crap movie ends. No revelations or confessions about love just Pollack expressing his interest in snowboarding.
This was a terrible script and whoever wrote this should be shot. There’s so many plot holes in this movie, mainly how the HELL were there bugs from the beginning? They were no explanations what-so-ever it was just, “They were in the mountain”. What happened to the bugs being as fast as the speed of light? I’ve seen a bowl of vegetables move faster than the bugs in this movie. It really annoyed me that everyone kept stating the obvious as well. How many people do we have to hear tell us that a body without arms or legs is missing arms and legs?
Don’t think it is over Bucket Heads because I’m not done. Tomorrow there will be quotes, oh there will be quotes but these aren’t funny quotes no they are going to be painful. The quotes that came out of everyone’s mouth in this movie was… well I guess you’ll have to wait and see tomorrow just to know how bad they were.
In case you didn’t know, the dead guy in the picture doesn’t have any arms and legs incase you were wondering. Just thought I’d let you know in case it wasn’t made clear enough already.
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