The Bucket Presents: Boa vs. Python
June 1st 2008 13:36
Category: B
Bigger than Rocky vs. Apollo Creed. Better than Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior. This is one huge mega clash that you actually DO want to miss!
Ahh reptiles – whenever Hollywood needs a gigantic and destructive monster they pick a random animal from this species. Actually I guess it’s not just Hollywood that does it since crappy B-Grade movies and Japanese film companies so this all the time too. We’ve seen a lot of bad reptiles over the past few months haven’t we Bucket Heads? We’ve had our share of gigantic crocodiles, gigantic anacondas and gigantic komodo dragons. Things couldn’t get any bigger or worse, can they?
Oh boy if you answered “no” then well… you’re kinda right. See things did get a lot worse though it wasn’t as bad as Curse of the Komodo or KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra. Believe it or not, there is actually a movie about giant killer snakes WORSE than Anaconda! I know! How can a movie be worse than anything with Jennifer Lopaz in it!? I don’t understand it either.
Believe me my Bucket Heads when I pulled a movie off the shelf called Boa vs. Python I had no f***ing idea what the hell I was getting myself into. It produced one of the most memorial scenes in a movie that I don’t think I’ll be forgetting, ever. How bad was it? Well let’s sit back, relax, finish off your will, kiss your loved ones goodbye and brace yourselves for a heart attack as we dive into the Bucket once more this week for a little Boa vs. Python action.
Behold Dr. Emmett - a man who only cares about the safety of his snake.
The movie starts up with some really bad music that sounds like it came out from one of those bad 1960’s big monster movies. After some very fast credits we go to Atlantic City for a big wrestling match, while somewhere else people are unloading something out of a truck. Our wrestlers come out and sporting a green mask we have Python and, sporting a red mask, is Boa! You get it!? It’s a reference to the film and to events to come! The movie just ruined the ending of the damn movie!
A rich guy called Broddick and his hot girlfriend Eve get VIP seats, at a wrestling events. He flirts with the waitress, again we’re at a wrestling event, and Eve gets pissed off. Broddick gets a phone call from some guy called Ramon and they get the delivery from South Asia. Neither guy likes each other when they hang up and the creature in the truck is awake and very cranky. They open the back and the snake starts whipping everyone while we cut back and forth to the wrestling match. One of the wrestlers lands on the outside near Eve and she pulls a gun on him. Ramon goes to throw a bomb at the snake, but gets knocked down and blows up everything else including himself.
Broddick is a mega rich guy who flies around in a huge personal jumbo jet. Eve gets naked, hops into a shower and she puts some soap lotion onto her sponge in slow motion. She takes a bath in slow motion as well as a snake comes into the room, an actual snake not a penis for you Freudian freaks reading this. Eve gets pissed off about the snake because she hates them (insert another penis joke here) and yells at Broddick. He tells her there’s a huge snake coming in from Asia (insert another penis joke here again) and they make up. Broddick gets a phone call and finds out his snake got lose. You know what, there’s so many “penis” jokes coming out from this movie right now we should probably have a drinking game.
Broddick checks the new and finds out about the disaster with his trucks. He says that he’ll just move the hunt somewhere else. The reporter says Al Qaeda are here in America and speaks to FBI Agent Sharpe, who completely blows off the guy. The news reporter is a massive pain in the pass and the cameraman thinks so as well. Sharpe finds the truck the snake came out of and finds a huge scale near the scene. They find some dead bodies as well as hole going down into some tunnel.
I'll have my steak burnt to a crisp please.
We’re at a water and power plant and some workers find huge piece of snake skin. A worker gets dragged by the snake and another worker gets attacked. A duty runs up to Agent Sharpe and tells him he finds a clue but slips and falls on the dead body! That’s funny! He finds a tranquilizer dart and Sharpe receives word the snake has attacked the plant. He wants them to cut off all the traffic and the pipes to the water plant. Sharp wants them to get someone called Monica.
We cut to a pool where there is nothing but good looking people. I think we might be in Miami, and I know that because the movie told me thanks to some words on the screen. Monica is a hot blonde chick who is talking to a bunch of guys. They have a bet who can hold their breath the longest under water. Her and another guy dive under and place the most stupid game that I have ever seen. Kids don’t try this at home. Monica makes the other guy pass out by taking her bikini top off. She collects her money as the FBI come and take her away.
Now we’re in West Virginia and Monica and Sharpe are in a car. He is going to send her down into the water and it turns out Monica is a dolphin expert. A dolphin expert!? They are going to battle a snake with a dolphin lover!? They arrive at a snake lab and Monica gets out bitching about how this guy is going to be a stupid, geeky nerd but the guy is standing behind her listening! The guy is called Emmett and he shows them around the lab. They enter a huge room and Emmett introduces them to a massive snake called Betty. Monica freaks out and Sharpe says he wants to use Betty to track down the other snake on the loose.
Broddick is at his airport and his game hunters arrive one by one. We have an old cowboy called Tex falling down the road on a jeep. Next up is some guy called Foley, who was a sniper in the army, and he speeds down in a sports car. Up next we have Mr. Danner and his son James who are two hick hunters and they are in the family SUV. Finally we have a hunter called Fields who is armed with a big crossbow. They all board Broddick’s plane and he tells them they are going to hunt a huge snake. Everyone is happy and Broddick orders Eve to get them all drinks.
Sharpe gives the rundown of the situation and he want to use Emmett’s Boa to track down the giant Python. Emmett thinks it’s ridiculous which is funny because it’s exactly what I think of the movie at the moment. It turns out Monica has been doing experiments with dolphins, putting in camera and tracking devices to see what they can see. They want to use this technology on Betty. Meanwhile it’s nighttime and we’re about 4 Miles from Philadelphia – that’s what the movie told me – and there’s some kids making out in a jeep in the middle of a park. Something rocks the car and no it isn’t the couple AHAHAHA!!! The guy opens the car door and begins to give his woman some oral pleasure. The Python comes up, devours the guy and takes over from where he left off.
Yes… you read that right. The Python is giving the woman oral sex. I kid you not. It’s so screwed up I don’t even want to mention a snake/penis joke right now. The woman enjoys it a lot, until she sees the snake and then it eats her.
Here we have a line of the the greatest hunters in the world. Now if they could actually find and hit their target...
Betty is put to sleep so Monica can install the device and Emmett is concerned about the health of his snake. Meanwhile that asshole reporter is back at the water pump station talking about a bunch of random crap. The cameraman tells the reporter he is a douche so the reporter tries to get him fired. The snake comes up from behind and eats him, thank CHRIST! Emmett talks to Monica about Betty being a super snake being used to develop anti-venom. The heart monitors start going crazy as Betty starts dying! It’s ok kids, the snake is alive and well trying to make anti-venom for the world. Oh NO the snake is dying! Sharpe wants to move Betty out and Emmett starts crying about it not being ready. Sharpe gets pissed off while spraying spit all over the place as he screams.
The big game hunters arrive at the forest and they are ready to hunt the snake! Everyone loads up their guns and as the FBI and army head over to the forest as well to enter the large water pipes. Sharpe finds out that Broddick was responsible about the snake arriving and everyone is ready to kick some ass. Betty is let loose and they can see what she sees. Emmett and Monica go down into the tunnels but lose contact with the snake. They are now lost and have no idea where they are or where Betty or the Python is.
Broddick and his hunters are searching the woods and Danner’s son James stops to piss. His father hates him and thinks he is gay. They drop when they think they’ve seen the snake and start shooting everything. Meanwhile Monica gets her link back up but loses it. The army can’t be screwed waiting around for the tracker to work and they head off to search for the snakes along. Tex, the cowboy, finds the snake and gets eaten. Danner and his son think they found it and are shooting all over the place. They throw a grenade but nothing happens. The team regroups and decides to head down into the tunnels, and they don’t know that the FBI and Army are down there as well!
I'd let her breath air into my mouth underwater. In fact there's a lot of other things I'd like to do with her in the water... like play water polo.
The soldiers continue to walk around and Monica gets the signal again, but losing it AGAIN. They think Betty is going after the soldiers. The soldiers start shooting around the place as the other three try to track the snake down. There’s an explosion and one of the soldiers get caught on fire. The doctor tells the soldiers to use the steam for cover. The hunters regroup at their cars and Broddick and Eve start making out randomly. She gets his gun – the weapon and not his penis – and Broddick whips out a huge flamethrower. God, can you people stop thinking dirty for one second!?
As the hunters go down into the tunnel, Monica and Emmett talk about dolphins and snakes. Emmett tells this sad story of his sister dying to a snake bite and that’s why he works with them – he’s just trying to get laid. They figure out where the snakes are and they are going to flush them out the tunnel. They look on the camera decide and the snakes are in the middle of a mating ritual. So now only do we get to see a giant snake giving oral sex to a female human, we now get to see two snakes going at it. This is like a softcore animal pornography.
The hunters can hear the snakes banging and they make a move. Emmett, Monica and Sharpe find out the hunters are now in the tunnel as well. The workers begin flood the station and it’s in the same section the hunters are walking through. The hunters hear something to they start shooting at whatever it is, and it was Sharpe. He dies and Foley gets taken by the snake. The Python comes and Mr. Tanner shoots at it. It whips him into a pole and kills him. As his son James heads to attack it, water surges to the area and he gets blasted.
Broddick, Eve and Fields are walking around and crap themselves as some steam blows out of the pipes. Eve checks the place out and finds a bunch of snake eggs. Betty comes around and smells Eve. Emmett and Monica begin swimming through the water as Betty checks out stalks Eve. She drops the egg and Betty wraps her up. The Python comes around as Broddick tries to burn Betty. He gets wiped and Fields fires his crossbow. Emmett is running out of breath underwater and screams as Sharp’s dead body floats by. Monica, who has a lot of breath in her body, kisses him and breathes air into his mouth. What a load of crap!
Betty crushes Eve, killing her, and eats Field. She takes off and Broddick swears revenge! Emmett and Monica get out of the water, then decide to go back under and swim out of the tunnels. As they are getting out of the tunnel they run into Broddick. Emmett knocks him out with a punch and the soldiers arrest him. Python comes back and begins getting the snake eggs. He won’t make a very good father if he is going to be doing that. The army rescues Monica and Emmett and the movie tells us we’re in Philadelphia. Some soldiers play with the flamethrower. Broddick tells Emmett and Monica about the nest. They check the camera and see the Python eat the eggs. Broddick takes off with the flamethrower and escapes the camp in an armored vehicle.
If you can look at this photo without making the remark: "I bet that's not the only time she's been choked by a big snake", you are a dirty liar.
Everyone can hear music and there seems to be a huge rave going on in a nightclub. There’s a bunch of nude women dancing in cages and a midget in leather whipping them. The Python comes out and eats the midget and no one notices. The snake is making its way through the club and these junkies have no idea what the hell is going on. It comes up behind the DJ and people try to warn him, but he thinks they are all raving. The army comes and the poor DJ gets eaten. Everyone floods outside as Broddick come in. He attacks it with his flamethrower, and then attacks Emmett and Monica. Emmett drops his tranquilizer gun and Broddick steals someone’s smoke.
Broddick starts attacking the soldiers who moan and go “OH! AH!” as they run around on fire. The snake comes for Monica and Broddick runs out of ammo. The soldiers come and save Monca but get whipped around. They run to the cage and the snake can’t get through. As the Python is going to get through, Betty the Boa drops in to save the day! HERE WE GO!!! This is what we’ve all paid to see – two badly animated snakes battle it out to the death! They clash, for a whole three seconds and Emmett shoots a dart at the Python. Broddick begins shooting up the place with a machinegun shoots the place up with a machinegun dropped by a soldier, so Emmett shoots him with a dart.
Betty and Python rip apart Broddick and begin to fight again! They spill out onto a subway and battle on the tracks. Monica gets knocked onto the rails but Emmett saves her. He hits the power switch, zaps Betty and flies across the station so she can be safe. A train heads towards the Python and it gets crushed. It’s head flies over Emmett and Monica and Betty drags itself up on the platform. Emmett starts crying that he has killed his pet snake but Monica says no she is now safe.
Betty suddenly vanishes so Emmett and Monica head over to the tunnels to see if she has returned to the nest. That’s it - that is how the movie ends. They enter the tunnel and we go to the end credits of the movie. They don’t find Betty happily with her children or anything – they just go down into the tunnel and “the end”. Yup, for a second I thought Uwe Boll wrote the script but I didn’t. It just ends and that is the end of the movie. If you think up of something like having a 100 foot snake give a woman oral sex, surely you could have thought of a much better ending for the movie.
That’s all I’ll say for this Bucket Heads. Expect a ruthless attack from yours truly on Friday when I give my Final Thoughts on this reptilian heap of crap. Until then take care of yourselves and have a fun week.
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