Boa vs. Python - Final Thoughts
June 6th 2008 04:57
Category: B
Seeing a gigantic Komodo Dragon and Cobra didn’t work in the past. Seeing FBI Agent Ecks battle it out with trained Assassin Sever didn’t work. Godzilla battled it out with hundreds of gigantic monsters all over the world and… well it kinda worked in an old school monster movie way. Did it work for Boa vs. Python? Well if it did it wouldn’t be on this website. Let’s get stuck into it Bucket Heads for a long weekend awaits us Aussies!
The Loathes:
I have been running this website for over six months now and in that period of time I have come across some pretty bizarre things. When I think I’ve seen it all I always get caught by surprise, and this film blew me away. Why the hell would you have a 100 foot snake give a woman oral pleasure? I am still confused as to why this was added into the movie and WHO the HELL thought of it! I mean, you have got to be one pretty screwed up person to think of something like that.
Let’s not forget about the snake sex as well and the amount of snake-penis related jokes that occurred throughout the movie. Yes, I did add some of these in the pictures but they were so strikingly obvious in this movie it was annoying. Probably the best “joke” they had running for them (and by best I most pathetic) was how Emmett always worried about the safety of his snake. He would say little things here and there that would have made it seem like he was talking about his pet boa, but you could so tell it was aimed at a cheap laugh.
Speaking of a man who loves his snake, the whole bond Emmett had with Betty (that’s his snake) was a joke. For someone who hates snakes because he’s sister died from a snake bite I would have thought he wouldn’t have cared if that snake lived or die. Sure, he was using the snake to try and build up anti-venom but why the hell was he attached to the snake so much? It was crap.
The characters in this movie were flat, boring and just plain stupid. We have a group of hunters who have to be the worst hunters that I have ever seen. None of them could aim or hit anything – even with a grenade. You had your stereotypical rich guy doing whatever the hell he wanted and some nerdy scientists running around trying to save the day. Oh let’s not forget about the annoying moronic news reporter and the asshole FBI agent.
This movie probably had one of the worse starts to a movie that I have ever seen before. Who the HELL starts off their movie by having a wrestling match between two wrestlers called Boa and Python? I honestly thought when they were introducing the wrestlers they were going to have the actual snakes fight. I seriously did. Instead it was just two guys named after the two snakes in the movie dressed in the same colors of the snake they represented. Here’s an idea people – if you’re going to right up a movie you might not want to imply what is going to happen and show who WINS the damn match as well. I just remembered that it was the red Boa wrestler who won and in the end, Betty the Boa beat the Python.
The Likes:
Despite this sound sexist – I apologise ladies – the woman were damn hot and that is the only thing that I liked about the whole movie. Actually there were only two women in this movie – I’m not counting the one who got pleasure from the 100 foot python. It sucked the hotter one had to die because the blonde was boring and couldn’t act at all.
The Plot / Script:
The FBI uses a nerdy scientist’s 100 foot boa to track down and battle a 100 foot python on the loose. While the FBI and the nerds work on capturing the creature, a rich guy and his team of hunters are looking to hunt the 100 foot snake. The hunters die, the asshole FBI agent dies, the rich guy dies, a random midget dies and the Python dies. After that who knows what the hell happens because the movie just ended.
Don’t you really hate that Bucket Heads when a movie just ENDS? I mean the movie has a build up and then BOOM, the end. Leave a tip on your way out and thanks for coming for a huge let down. Give us something, anything, like have Emmett and Monica find the Boa happy with her children. Yes it’s a crappy ending but it’s an ENDING! They just ended it with Emmett and Monica going down together into a tunnel… oh… oh I see what they’ve done now. They used another sexual implication to end the movie. God I hate this film so much…
The Actors:
I don’t know any of these actors which is what you normally get from a B-Grade movie. They all sucked and couldn’t act to save their lives. They acted like a bunch of idiots and when they tried to be serious, they still had stupid expressions on their faces.
Final Thoughts:
I don’t know what the hell is up with B-Grade movies just going straight for the genetically modified gigantic reptile for their movie. If they tried something a little different, like having the movie be based around a zombie infection for example, they could probably pulled something a lot better out of their asses than this crap.
As sad as this is going to say – I think the snakes looked a lot better than what I’ve seen from the Anaconda movies. The snakes still sucked but they looked a lot better… in a bad CGI animated way. The script was ok but it was a shame the bad actors made the thing look like a huge mess. Again with the budget they used for this movie – and I’ll assume it was a lot more than your average B-Grade movie – they could have done something better. Snake vs. snake, no thanks. It didn’t work at all and just made one stupid movie that tried to be funny.
That is all from me for this week so to all my Aussie brothers and sisters have a fun, safe and enjoyable long weekend. To the rest of the world, enjoy your weekend as well.
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