BloodRayne – Synopsis
July 21st 2008 00:38
Here she is... the poorest excuse for a vampire I've ever seen. Now we all get to suffer through this movie all over again.
Wanna see some ol' crap posts on Bloodrayne? Check them out here!
Our vampiric-piece of crap begins with Vladimir, Sebastian and Katarin - who are all members of the Brimstone Society - in some random medieval town. They see a vampire and kill it. On the other side of town, in the middle of the woods, is a freak show where the star attraction is Rayne – a half vampire, half human creature. They burn her arm in water and cure her by drinking blood.
After the show the freak show ringmaster locks up Rayne in her cage and some young gypsy woman talks about how she wants to see the sunset and a bunch of other boring things that Rayne doesn’t care about. Meanwhile at a dark tall castle the vampire lord Kagan talks about how Rayne is going to screw up everything he has planned. We go back to Rayne, who is running around screaming like an ape. No that’s not how the character is meant to scream, that’s how the actress screams. It cuts back and forth between her escape from the gypsy camp to shots of her screaming like a moron. She killed basically everyone, even the boring gypsy girl who gives her swords.
The next morning Vladimir and his crew show up to find the slaughtered camp. They begin cutting the heads off the dead bodies, even the gypsy girl who helped Rayne. Meanwhile some guy called King Elrich is dictating a letter to his servant at 1000 words per second. It appears that Katarin, the chick with Vladimir, is his daughter and he wants her to find an artifact. It appears he is forced to live inside his castle as he was bitten by a vampire. That isn’t a good sign.
Rayne is walking around the town talking about how she saves the humans from the vampire as she only wishes to kill vampires… so why did she kill everyone in the camp!? Rayne talks about losing her family when she was little. Rayne sees a vampire in disgust so she (Rayne) seduces her (the female vampire). Yeah that’s right, Rayne is a Lesbian! Rayne kill the vampire chick. There’s a fortune teller gypsy hag who talks about her being a half vampire/half human being as a result of a vampire raping a human. It turns out Kagan is her father and she wants to kill him. The gypsy hag tells Rayne to go find some artifacts to help her.
We go to the dark castle where Kagan wants Rayne dead. We get a random scene of Vladimir and his men walking through a field – similar to that of Lord of the Rings – then we go to a monastery where Rayne gets in by lying about her dead family. Nighttime comes and Rayne sneaks into a basement. There’s a troll guarding a door and after a five second fight, Rayne kills it. She gets into the room and finds the artifact that turns out to be an eye. The room is booby trapped and fills with water – remember that’s bad for her. Rayne heads to the ceiling and looks into the eye, which merges into her body. She drops into the water and now she seems to be fine against it.
The monks get her and they talk. There was a powerful vampire that was immune to all the weaknesses of Vampires. People killed him and took three artifacts from him – his heart, his rib and his eye. If the artifacts are combined the person would rule the world! The monastery gets attacked and we’re treated to bad fight scenes. Everyone is there, from Vladimir to King Elrich’s men to Kagan’s goons. Rayne takes on Kagan’s head vampire Domastir and he knocks her out with a single punch.
Kagan is with some virgin, and he kills her. Domastir takes Rayne to Leonid – who is played badly by Meatloaf the singer. He runs an orgy and a safehouse for vampires from the light – even though Domastir was walking through daylight perfectly before. Vladimir and his friends arrive, get involved in yet another bad fight scene, and rescue Rayne from the horny Leonid before she can sample his meatloaf… see what I did there?
They take Rayne back to the Brimstone Society’s headquarters and Katarin hates Rayne. Kagan is pissed off at Domastir and his bad haircut. It’s ok though since they found him the rib artifact. No one at the BS headquarters likes Rayne because she is a vampire. She suddenly remembers the night her mother was killed by Kagan, so now everyone feels sorry for her now – all but Katarin because she is a bitch. Rayne is taught how to fight, even though she knows how to fight. While training she breaks her swords and they give her new clothes.
Sebastian is talking to Rayne and he tells her his parents are dead, no one cares. Rayne is asleep in her cell and she has a dream about her mother’s death. She wakes up, pushes Sebastian against the bars and proceeds to bang him like she was jumping on the spot. Elrich wants the Brimstone Society destroyed and it turns out the last artifact is kept at the bottom of the headquarters. Rayne, Vladimir and Sebastian go off to get supplies for the Society, and Rayne gets new swords from some legendary blacksmith.
Katarin turns her back on the society and has her father’s army kill everyone. Rayne and co arrive and from dead women, old people and little children too - the three types of dead people you need make a sad massacre. Rayne finds the heart underneath the Brimstone Society but Katarin goes after it as well. The two fight underwater, Rayne wins and gets the heart. Rayne heads to Kagan’s castle and gives herself and the heart to her father. Vladimir and Sebastian run to the castle heavily guarded by peasants with pitchforks. They throw them in the dungeon with Rayne, who tells them her father is going to perform a dark ritual to get the artifacts from her back.
Kagan’s men take away Rayne for the ceremony - and we get a look at Rayne’s recently waxed or shaven armpits. Ewww. Vladimir and Sebastian use the old “Help guard! My friend’s sick!” trick and escapes. Sebastian stops someone from killing Vladimir from behind and uses the attacker’s own hand to cut his own throat. As the dark ritual is talking place Rayne screams badly. Kagan checks the box that Rayne gave her and is pissed off to find… there IS no heart. Wouldn’t it be smart to f**king check before hand?
Vladimir and Sebastian run in and everyone starts fighting all over the place. There’s lots of stabbing going on and Vladimir gets killed. Sebastian spins around and stabs Domastir. Domastir stabs Sebastian in stomach. Sebastian grabs the sword’s blade – and amazingly doesn’t bleed – and brings the sword to Domastir’s neck, causing it to explode. It’s now down to Rayne versus Kagan, daughter versus father! After yet another crappy quick fight Rayne kills Kagan and he dies in a terrible animation.
Rayne runs up to Sebastian and he dies. Those who were dying finally die and now Rayne is all alone in the world. The final ten minutes of the movie involve Rayne walking around the room before sitting down on Kagan’s throne. A shitty ending to a very shitty movie, how fitting don’t you agree?
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