BloodRayne - Part 5
December 28th 2007 01:34
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Not only can't Kristanna Loken scream, apparently she can't shave her armpits that well either.
As I am writing this my fellow Bucket Heads I am feeling déjà vu. I remember once writing up the final part of a movie review where the focus was on the character that the movie is name after; well in this case half of the movie title is named after it. Oddly enough this character is one of the main reasons why this movie sucks. The last time I saw a movie where the main character the movie was based around sucked was Catwoman.
Today I have the honor in presenting the main character that this bad movie is based around,
BLOODRAYNE!!!
The character of Rayne was played by Kristanna Loken. You’ve never heard of her? She was the bad-ass female Terminator villain in Terminator 3. That was a pretty kick ass movie, not as good as the second Terminator but it was really great non-the-less. So when I pick up this movie to watch at the video store I figure it can’t be that bad with her in it, I mean she did kick ass in T3. She did kick ass in T3 but as for this movie… well I will tell you know she should just stick to silent roles in movies and let her body do all the talking.
She can’t act, period. She has to have THE worst female scream I’ve ever heard. When I hear females scream in movies its high pitched and loud. When Loken screams in BloodRayne, which is very VERY often, it sounds like someone is screaming with a throat infection while having a vice tighter across their throat. It’s bad, really bad and to make it worse she jumps back and forth from an American accent to a British accent throughout the whole movie. Let’s see what Rayne does in the movie shall we? I’ll try and get through this pain as quick as I can.
Rayne is a Dhampir, a half vampire half human hybrid, and she is the star freak of a traveling gypsy circus where they show off her vampiric talents to the crowd. They cut her and burn her, she screams, she drinks blood and get heals, screams a bit more. Locked inside a cage, some gypsy girl talks to her about escaping but Rayne doesn’t seem interested in this chick at all. Now that I think about it, if you were a Dhampir why wouldn’t you just bust the hell out of the cage? Wait, how the HELL would you allow yourself to be captured like that in the first place!?
Next scene Rayne runs around the forest screaming. She has flash backs, while screaming, and we find out Rayne almost gets raped, so she fights back and kills all the circus’ guards. The gypsy girl gives Rayne weapons so she bites her in return to show her gratitude. She soon arrives in a town, gets it on with a woman but kills her since the woman was a vampire, then talks to some crazy old fortune teller who tells her she is a Dhampir and her father is Kagan, the evil Vampire Lord. The Fortune Teller informs Rayne about the powerful artifacts but Rayne doesn’t care cause she just wants to kill her father.
Rayne finds the monastery where one of the artifacts are being held, wait didn’t she NOT care about these? She kills the big ugly guard of a door in ten seconds, enters the room with one of the artifacts and passing some test involving the room filling up with water. By the way, water can burn vampires like acid it seems. The artifact she finds, an eye, gets absorbed in her making her immune to water. The monks talk to her, tell her about the other artifacts, then get attacked by the vampires and humans army. Rayne kills a few people then gets knocked out by a single punch by Domastir.
Rayne gets taken to Meat Loaf, who wants to bang Rayne but the Brimstone Society interfere. They kill Meat Loaf and take Rayne back to their headquarters. Everyone hates Rayne, then Rayne tells them she remember her mother was killed in front of her by her father Kagan when she as a girl, so everyone feels sad and likes her out of pity. Rayne starts training in art of combat even though she was fighting perfectly fine against a bunch of men just moments ago? During training she breaks her swords, get new clothes, finds out Sebastian’s parents died and bangs him out of pity. Remember, this is the bad sex scene where they are pinned up against the prison bars jumping up and down on the spot. And Rayne still screams badly.
Rayne, Sebastian and Vladimir go to get Rayne new swords. Leave the headquarters, get supplies, come back and everyone’s dead. Rayne goes inside, kills Katarin, recovers the heart artifact. She decides to take the heart to her father so she can face him, but gets thrown in prison with Vladimir and Sebastian. Rayne finds out they are going to remove the artifact and soul from her. She gives an inspirational speech saying she won’t stop fighting before she is taken away to the ceremony while showing the audience her recently shaved armpits. Yeah you read that right when I looked at her armpits they were all bloody and looked recently shaved. And please, don’t bother asking why was I looking at her armpits.
During the dark ritual Rayne screams badly. She continues to do so until Vladimir and Sebastian interrupt the party. Everyone starts fighting and dropping dead left and right, while Rayne is screaming, until its down to daughter and father. They exchange words and fight, Rayne screams badly yet again, then she kills her father. After five minutes of walking around the room full of dead people, Rayne sits down on the throne and waits for the movie to end.
The character of Rayne sucked. She’s half vampire and half human, which means she has enough strength in her to do superhuman things. There is no way she would have stayed captured for that long in a down gypsy camp. Don’t even get me started on how stupid it is that she can handle a dozen guys and a huge troll but can’t handle a single punch to the head.
From what I gathered the video game version of Rayne kicks more ass than this idiot. She can take a damn beating and has pretty much killed for her whole life. What the hell is up with that training scene anyway? She already knows how to fight so she has to re-train to remember or something?
I don’t think Kristanna Loken suited this role very well. I mean she has the body for it but in terms of talking or screaming she can’t do either. She spoke normally and a bit too quick and like I said, she cannot scream at all. She played the role of T-X in Terminator 3 awesome, probably due to the fact that she rarely spoke, so I am thinking that maybe more silent characters are better for her. Sorry Token but BloodRayne was not the movie for you. You took mime lessons for T3 so maybe you should have taken some screaming lessons for this movie.
Tomorrow we will be closing the BloodRayne book Bucket Heads so come back for that.
Nasty shaven armpits in a movie dare burn my eyes!? I thought celebrities had their hairs remove via lasers? Maybe she was keeping in character and decide to pluck the hairs out…
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