Bloodrayne 2 - Part 1
April 28th 2008 00:58
Yes Bucket Heads, I too shuddered when I discovered there was a sequel to this movie by the same director as well.
Once upon a time in a country far far away a child was born to the Boll Family. Mr. and Mrs. Boll were overjoyed with the birth of their son and decided to give him the name of Uwe. The name of this child would go on to haunt movie reviewers around the world for an eternity. The mere mention of his name sends chills running down the spines of millions of video gamers. When he has a gasp on a script for a video game, Uwe Boll begins his work like a mad scientist in a secret laboratory. Who knows when this insane director will conjure up his next movie…
Well I can tell you all know that this jerk seems to be pulling movies out of his damn ass. His movies come out like diarrhea – quick and messy – and I apologise for putting that image into your minds Bucket Heads. Everyone who has been following my website for the past six months knows I have an emmense passion for hating Uwe Boll and all of his terrible movies. For those of you who don’t know who Uwe Boll is, he is a short anger German director who couldn’t make a movie to save his own life.
The first movie I watched of his was Bloodrayne based off the video game by the same name. I’ve never played the game before so I watched this as one would watch it – knowing it would be a vampire movie – and it has to be the worst vampire movie that I have ever seen. Well I stand corrected Bucket Heads. I found another vampire movie that not only blows as a horror movie but it blows as a western. What movie is this? Well based on the (terrible) success of Bloodrayne, Uwe Boll decided to get funding for the sequel Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance.
Put on your HAZMAT suits people and make sure you’ve kissed your loved ones goodbye. You may not be able to survive or stomach the following review. It’s going to be a tough challenge for all of us so let’s all hold hands and dive into the Bucket for this week’s movie review.
Meet the main character of the movie, Rayne - Different actress but like the first one, she can't act to save her life.
We begin our crap movie with some typical cowboy music with a bunch of random pictures, like European immigrants heading over to NYC. Correct me if I am wrong but if you’re making a movie about the Wild West why would you throw in the image of the Statue of Liberty? We finally get to see some old black and white pictures of cowboys and Indians before the movie finally begins.
We are treated to a nice shot of a mountain range accompanied with some harmonica music. I will say this is already brighter than the first movie. Newton Pyles – a journalist from Chicago – arrives in the town of Deliverance says hi to just about everyone he sees. He meets up with the Mayor who is talking about the train station being built and what is going to happen to the town. Newton is annoyed because he wants good violent stories about the Wild West.
Night time comes around and a family is eating their dinner. The boys want their dad to read them a story. The dad is worried about losing money and losing the house but the wife tells him they’ll be fine. Something spooks the horses and the dad thinks it’s a bear. He goes outside, weird noises are heard so the wife heads out, and more weird noises are heard. The boys hide under the bed as a cowboy walks into their house. He asks the kids if they are sad and that they’ll join his parents soon enough. Some more cowboys take the kids away and it seems we have a new breed of vampires – Cowboy vampires! Yeah I totally agree with you – I would have snapped the DVD at this point.
Next day Newton is at the site of the railroad being built as some cowboys ride into town. Sheriff Cobden walks out from a bar as the black bartender and owner of the saloon (called Bartender Bob) sends his waitress home to her kids. Cobden tells everyone to lock up their doors and walks around the town. Newton is annoyed at the mayor because the town is boring, which is pretty funny since I’m annoyed at the same reason for this movie.
The vampire cowboys linger around a house and stalk the little girls in their beds. They take the children and everyone watches on from their houses. The mother begs for her children’s lives and no one bothers to do anything about it. Cobden shows up and tries to stop them by shooting at the leader - who isn’t fazed by the bullets because he is a vampire – and bites the Sheriff on his neck. The mayor walks up to him and the cowboy leader uses some mind control on him so he can use his house. Newton walks up to him and the leader tells him to stick around if he wants a good story.
The next morning we go to the same recycled scene of the mountains and song as Rayne, our heroine, rides into town in slow motion that is used on the horse’s legs. She arrives at the farm of the family from the start of the movie and asks around if anyone is home. She gets suspicious and pulls out her swords are see looks for her friends. She finds them dead in the field and meets up with a cowboy called Pat Garret. Wait that name sounds familiar doesn’t it? This is the same Pat Garret who was famous for hunting down while outlaws like Billy the Kid. So he must have turned his attention to hunting vampires now right? Rayne threatens his reproductive organs with one of her swords and he tells her that it was Billy the Kid took the children away.
Seems like history was wrong Bucket Heads - Billy the Kid was a wild cow vampire not a wild outlaw.
Yes that is right Billy the Kid is a vampire… that’s twice I’ve wanted to snap the DVD so far. Pat tells her they headed for Deliverance and wants to help, but Rayne tells him that his fly is open and takes off.
It’s nighttime and Rayne arrives at Deliverance. Three cowboys walk up to her and tell her to put her weapons away – they are part of Billy’s posse. They want to pimp her out at the brothel but she walks away. There’s a saloon and a cowboy called Flintlock Hogan is getting drunk at the poker table. He is talking to Newton about stuff he has done – while dropping “cocksucker” a bunch of times - and shoots at the lantern near him. Rayne walks in and everyone looks at her. Hogan wants to bang her and Rayne looks into the mirror, and sees he has no reflection. That means he is a vampire kids. She sits with for a poker game.
The night goes on and some guy called Irish Mike is kicking their asses. He puts down 4 Queen but Rayne counters with 4 Aces. Logan gets pissed off and he calls her a ‘C***’ which makes me wonder if Uwe Boll was watching too much Deadwood before he started filming this movie. Rayne and Logan have an old school standoff outside, and Rayne wins. His friends try to kill her but she kills them. The Sheriff, who is now a vampire, and Billy’s posse jump her and organize for her to be hung. Billy watches on from his house very happy about what happened.
Newton heads to the prison for an interview with Rayne but the other prisoner tells her he is just going to report back to Billy. The prisoner is a member of the Brimstone Society, the organization that Rayne was part of in the first movie. He talks about Billy, how old he is, how powerful he is, and how he hopes to use the railroad system to travel around gathering an army for himself. Yes people, Billy the Kid is going to build himself a vampire kingdom in the Wild West of America. Rayne takes Newton’s glasses and starts unlocking her cuffs as the posse come to hang the two prisoners.
[Click To Go To Part 2]
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Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
As for Uwe Boll. His name alone sounds like someone throwing up.
How in the fuck does he get funding?!?!?!?
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Rayne gets her gear off - just her hat and her coat but that is all. She is hot and she can't act just like the first chick who played Rayne.
And Mr. Boll gets his fundings from the government. It turns out in Germany if you make a movie in the country with a Germany film company, you can claim tax back on it. The German government recently stopped this since people were scamming from it.
Thanks for the comment!
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Unfortunately someone out there is still funding Boll's movies. I don't know how the hell is manages to get funding when it's well known he sucks as a director. He currently has a Far-Cry movie planned as well as... wait for it... ANOTHER Bloodrayne movie. When will it all end?
Cheers dude.
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Billy the Kid did meet Dracular in an old Hollywood flick.
So I figure that must have been written by a fan of the inappropriate genres matching.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Billy the Kid faced off against the big daddy of all vampires? Damn, this makes a lot more sense. In their battle Dracula must have bitten Billy the Kid and turned him into an undead minion. It would explain why Billy was feared as being powerful - he got bitten by the most powerful vampire in existence!
Thanks Damo, you've shown us all the Uwe Boll is in fact a genius and not some crappy director!