The Bucket Presents: The Black Hole
May 12th 2008 00:16
For those of you panicing - no this is not the review about the Disney movie with the same name. In fact, it's a different bad movie that shares the same name as that trash (from what I've heard its trash anyway).
Disaster movies – it is well known to my Bucket Heads that I am not a big fan of these types of movies. Why you may ask? That answer is that the majority of these movies are pretty much the same with the only difference being the disaster itself. In each movie we have a bunch of stereotypical characters, some random disaster and humanity bonds together to fight off Mother Nature. What if, however, it wasn’t Mother Nature? What if the disaster came from the far reaches of outer space?
While hunting movies down in my local video store I tumbled across a movie called The Black Hole. It caught my eye – because the cover looked terrible. I mean just look at it and tell me that doesn’t scream at you “I AM A CRAP MOVIE!!!”. Any movie that has a skull blended in with the cover is most likely going to be a crap movie – and to prove my point go look at the cover of Final Destination 3.
I will say this about The Black Hole; they were going with a new direction with the disaster genre. Firstly this movie wasn’t set in NYC, L.A or San Francisco and secondly… umm… well… hmmm… they umm… ugh… they made an even worse disaster movie. B-Grade bullcrap released straight to DVD, need I say more? Of course I will! Onward with the slaughter!
Before this movie started I already had a feeling that this movie was going to be terrible. First the front cover scared me and then I was treated to a bunch of ads for other DVDs including… Komodo vs. Cobra! It was like someone was trying to warn me in advance this was going to suck big time. So now, let’s continue with our crap.
Oh one more thing, you may notice that there aren’t any pictures with smart ass comments from yours truly. That is because I could not find any movie stills – further implying how pathetic this movie is – so I decided just to post this without any pictures. I’m sorry you may tar and feather me one day but for now, enjoy this bad film as much as I hated it. Ok, NOW on with the review!
We get a bird’s eye view of the city of St. Louis as we find out people thought making a black hole was impossible but scientists were wrong! It’s 2am and we’re inside a research lab. Dr. Shannon Mueller is inside with some old guy and there’s an explosion in the basement. Some guys head down to check it out and find a vortex in the middle of the tunnel. Metallic objects are getting sucked into it and the communications are getting screwed up. Electricity is running across the pipes and cables and one of the guys gets killed. Some invisible alien emerges from the hole. One of the guys tries to ex Oh wtf its some alien! LOL! The other guy tries to get away on his cart but the alien sucks it back to him.
Shannon gets a phone call from someone as the electric monster escapes. We’re about five minutes into the movie and the acting is so bad right now Bucket Heads it makes the actors from Curse of the Komodo look like A-Grade celebrities. It’s now 5:30am and army helicopters head over to the lab. Earthquakes rock the city as former employee to the lab, Dr. Eric Bryce, get drunk at home. He gets a phone call from Shannon and she tells him about the events in the lab. As she is talking on the phone the soldiers in the lab walk in on her on the toilet. Soldiers then arrive at Eric’s house and escort him to the lab.
It’s now 7am and Shannon predicts they have three hours until the hole expands. They even have a big digital clock counting down the hours. Eric arrives and we’re treated to a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo for the next five minutes. General Ryker arrives and he looks like Agent Gipps from NCIS. He talks about experiments that China were doing and that the good ol’ USA wanted to beat them to it, so they rushed the experiment. An earthquake hits the buildings that screws around with the power. Ryker says that he’ll drop a nuke on the building to beat the black hole (how typical) and Eric tells him it would only make things worse.
The alien is still around and their boss of the lab gives Eric crap about getting divorced. Eric is pissed off at Shannon for not telling him their research, even though he isn’t part of the team NOR does he work for the company. Ryker thinks Eric and Shannon are screwing each other. Eric is worried about his daughter Kayley and rings his ex-wife. He tells her to get out of town but she thinks he is drunk and hangs up. Shannon feels sorry for him, Eric keeps trying to call them and now I am starting to believe that Ryker is right – these two are screwing each other.
Ryker’s on the phone with the President and the alien attacks the lab again. It’s now 9am and that means McDonald’s stops serving breakfast in an hour and thirty minutes. Someone points out they are losing time, even though the timer keeps jumping up and down. The hole is growing faster and they nobody knows what’s going on. They send some guys down to check out the power. The soldiers reach the end of the tunnel and sparks start shooting out of the wires. The hole’s growth rate is shrinking but a power surge floods the cables. Eric thinks someone came out of the hole. Is it just me or do you feel dirty whenever the word “Hole” is mentioned?
The soldiers can smell something (insert joke about the Hole here) and the cables have been melted. Ryker tries to tell the guys to get out of the tunnel but they get attacked by the alien! The alien appears in front of everyone and someone starts shooting at it. He gets zapped, moans like he is in the middle of some hanky panky, get fried into a purple skeleton and evaporates. Someone throws a chair at the alien while the boss of the lab throws up. It disappears and soldiers outside the lab say it’s headed for some power lines. Eric and Shannon figure the alien is connected to the hole, grab their equipment and follow it.
Eric and Shannon follow the alien through the lines and it is feeding off the power. The ex-wife is watching the news and hears about the attack. Ryker wants coffee and as the news are now reporting the alien. Everyone on the street can see it as well and run outside so they can point at it and say “Oh my God! What is that!?” It’s now 11:50am and Washington gets the information from Ryker, who trusts what Eric is saying. He finally gets some coffee. St. Louis is evacuated and there’s only 40 minutes left until the black hole expands. The boss is getting sick and takes some pills in the bathroom. The ex-wife and Kayley finally get out of the house. If she listened to Eric earlier they would have been in a more safer place now wouldn’t they?
The news is covering the evacuation of St. Louis as the alien looks for energy. It heads to huge electric station and Eric is worried about Ryker and his team in the lab. Some technician at the power station even though he should have evacuated the place by now. He gets electrocuted for being an idiot. The alien heads to the transformer and the lab start rocking. The boss gets knocked out by a falling vent. The hole is getting bigger and everyone rushes out. An ambulance rushes pass and it stops it from absorbing. Eric and Shannon figure out the alien’s weakness is… sound. Yes… sound… how pathetic.
Ryker heads off but his sergeant is trying to find the boss of the lab. Ryker helps her search the lab for him. Eric moves up to the fences and Shannon gets out of the jeep. Eric triggers the alarm system of the jeep and it pisses the alien off, causing it to blow it up. The sergeant is still trying to find the boss of the lab as it begins to shake violently. Eric goes to highjack a truck by smashing the window, but Shannon releases the door is unlocked. Eric tries to hotwire the truck, but Shannon finds the key in the glove box. Eric back hands Shannon for making him look stupid – no I added that last part in but it was funnier than this scene.
The sergeant finds the boss but it doesn’t matter because they are sucked into the black hole! The alien heads to a transformer of another plant and the reporter following the alien is freaking out. Ryker runs to the helicopter and the army takes off as the lab crumbles to the hole. The news reporter finds the hole in the ground and thinks it is some type of black hole. No shit Sherlock! It’s 3pm Ryker thinks that Eric might be dead as he arrives at the new headquarters. The new is following the Black Hole and its murderous rampage through the city, destroying buildings in its path – even though it looks like the director just added in random buildings being demolished. If a hole is expanding and consuming everything in its path, why is it just targeting a few buildings within a whole BUNCH of buildings!? Eric’s ex-wife’s car breaks down but it’s ok - Eric calls them and tells them he’ll pick him up. Shannon gets pissed off, and now I think it’s confirmed the two are screwing each other.
Ryker talks about not getting in contact with the scientists. They are going to give them ten minutes to make contact for some reason. Eric picks up his ex-wife and daughter, and his ex is annoyed that Shannon is in the truck. Not only does this confirm the relationship between Shannon and Eric, this also tells us that Shannon is a HOME WRECKER!!! The group gets stuck in traffic so Eric decides to go on foot. Some random person comes out with a gun wanting to shoot everyone – as one would if the city is getting destroyed by a black hole. The black hole heads for the stadium, turns it into jelly and destroys it.
Eric and Shannon arrive at the headquarters as Ryker talks about a nuke strike. Eric tells them about the link between the alien and the black hole. He wants to get the two together so they can blow them both across the universe. Another General arrives called Tate and he wants to launch a nuke anyway because he is too stupid to understand. They decide to go with Eric’s plan until Washington calls them. The hole is continuing to destroy stuff and now it destroys that huge Archway thing in St. Louis. Everyone is sad and scared.
5pm and everyone is getting ready to capture the alien. They ready themselves for the attack and set up the transformer. They decide to transfer ALL the energy in the city into a little transformer via one cable. They start up the new transformer and the alien heads over. One of the soldiers feels like he is in a stupid video game – but he’s really in a stupid movie. They think the alien heard them so they decide to run to new hiding positions, including behind a tree. Everyone is throwing grenades at it and it fights back. Everyone who gets shocked sounds like they are going through an orgasm. The men are getting killed but Ryker is telling everyone to fight. The alien picks up the transformer and throws it at the remaining soldiers.
Tate says they are going to drop the drop the bomb and Eric starts going crazy so they kick him out. He talks about rigging a generator truck with enough power to get the alien to follow it to the hole – which is funny because that is what I thought they were going to do before. The news talks about the mission failing and how they might drop the bomb, which is annoying Ryker because he thought Eric’s plan would work. It’s now night time and the army sets up a truck with electricity. Eric says goodbye to his daughter and ex-wife then makes out with Shannon. He gets in the truck and locks it before Shannon can go with him. Tate is getting annoyed because no one is telling him jack so Ryker fills him in on the final attempt.
It’s 8pm and the President gets ready to give his speech – with five people going through it with him. Tate tells Ryker that they are going to drop the bomb soon. Ryker tells Eric that Shannon is sticking around to help. Back at the White House, everyone continues to baby the President through the speech, who has no clue what he is saying – kinda like George Bush! Eric begs Shannon to leave but she doesn’t because she LOVES HIM DAMN IT!!! The President is going over the speech AGAIN! A jet flies over to St. Louis. Ryker tells Eric the bomb is on its way and he has to race to beat them. The power gets cut and the alien takes the bait.
Eric drives the truck towards the hole with the alien on it and Tate admires his balls. The news says all we have left is prayer. The President is worried about the decision, and goes over the speech AGAIN!!! Eric drives around the city… and in the background is the Archway that I thought had been destroyed! The jet says it has found the alien on the truck and now Tate is pissed off at Ryker for going behind his back? I thought they filled him in with what was happening and he was ok with it!? The jet takes aim and Eric is getting closer. Ryker begs for a few more minutes until the launch and the President decides to wait.
Eric jumps out of the truck and holds onto the road as the hole tries to suck him in. The truck goes into the hole and makes a big electric explosion before dissolving. The President is happy and Shannon thinks Eric is dead. It’s 6am and the city is in ruins. They look for Eric miles up in the air via helicopter and manage to spot a little dot on the ground. We go to a street and the helicopter lands. Eric gets out and hugs his kid. Ryker pats Eric on the back and Shannon hugs him. The credits roll and we can all breath a sigh of relief that this movie has finished.
So yeah – as boring as this review was that is how exciting this movie was. I know all disaster movies are set in NYC, L.A and San Francisco but now I understand why - because other cities in America are boring! (No offence to my readers who don’t live in NYC, L.A or San Francisco). I’ll save my ultimate butcher for another day Bucket Heads right now I need to go get a bottle of Vodka and try and drown out the horrors from this movie. Take it easy, take care of yourselves and a belated (or not-belated) Mother’s Day to all you mummies out there!
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Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
The one with the evil robot and little annoying one that just floats about.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
Yeah some people thought it was the movie from the 1970s. My research tells me its a bad one so I must hunt it down!