Bucket Movies Presents: The Benchwarmers
February 9th 2009 00:02
Category: B
Being bullied by a bunch of mini baseball players? Never fear! Three actors who have been playing the same character throughout their acting career are here!
You know who I don’t like? Rob Schneider. Why you ask? He isn’t funny… at all. I’ve seen a few of his movies and he basically plays the same rambling idiot he always does in every movie. The act gets old and a lot of actors today seem to do it. Look at Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and Will Ferrel. They all play the same type of person in all their movies and after the first three I think the act starts to get old.
Anyway one day I was sitting in my room hearing my parents watch a movie. They were laughing hard – like I have never heard them laugh so much at a movie before. I walked out and found them watching a movie called The Benchwarmers. I didn’t bother sitting down to watch it with them because it was nearing the end of the film. I thought “Hmm… if they’re laughing that much at this movie it’s probably funny.”
Weeks later my friends came over and I suggested we watch the movie because I told them it made my parents piss themselves laughing. My friends agreed because they knew other people who watched it tell them it was the funniest movie ever. So we sat down, put the DVD into the player and got ready to laugh!
… Fifteen minutes later we stopped it. There was a long, awkward silence. We all looked at one another as if we had all emotions drained from our bodies. It was like we had just witnessed the end of the world… so we proceeded to watch 300. A year later, I find The Benchwarmers in my Dad’s DVD Cabinet. I took in a deep breath, downed half a bottle of Vodka, and placed it back into my DVD player…
Clark and Richie are two big losers. Don't worry folks at the end of the movie they are still ugly ducklings.
The movie begins with a bunch of kids playing at a baseball field in a nice little neighbourhood. Gus is out mowing some lawns and stops to watch the kids play. In comes the paperboy Clark who’s terrible at his job. He is so bad that he has been delivering yesterday paper! While Gus talks with Clark, the loser paperboy picks his nose and eats the gooey prize he found. Back at the baseball field some little shithead kids arrive bullying around the nerds. They pin down Nelson, a little fat nerd kid, and fart on his face. Gus arrives to save the day and Nelson runs off crying.
Gus wants to play baseball with Clark but he tells him he never has. Gus rants on about how it was the most American thing to do. I thought the most American thing to do was invade countries for their oil! See what I did there!? Clark asks he can bring Richie to play. Clark gets a text from his mother; they are going to have mac and cheese for dinner. Richie is a bigger loser than Clark but he works in a video store. He recommends lesbian sex movies to some hot girl. Clark arrives and tells him they’re going to play baseball. Richie tells his boss he is going out, who is some old fart.
Liz, Gus’ wife, wants a baby but Gus doesn’t give a shit. The three go to the baseball field and start playing. Clark’s still picking his nose and Richie can’t throw the ball. The bullies come back and want the field. Clark tells them they are navy seals and Gus says they’ll play for the field. The kids agree. Clark’s up first to bat and he is pathetic, as it Richie who blames a dog for throwing him off his game. Gus is up and he’s awesome. Richie says he doesn’t do roids, Clark doesn’t know what that means. Gus pitches and his awesome at that as well. Richie gets knocked out by a hard pitch by Gus while Clark chases butterflies. One of the bullies is acting like a little shithead, so Gus hits the ball into his gut and knocks him out. Nelson farts on his face.
The guys go home to Richie’s place. Clark asks about Gus being so awesome and Gus tells them he didn’t want to get tied up into the jock thing. Richie’s brother Howie is afraid of going outside the house and he hides in a closet. He looks like a cross dresser. They try and encourage him to come out of the closet… oh I’m getting flash backs of that awesome South Park Scientology episode. Howie hands them a bottle full of his piss to empty. Clark thinks it’s apple juice. The guys go to PIZZA HUT to celebrate. While at PIZZA HUT they drink their PEPSI – sorry just helping out with the advertising. Richie talks to a hot salad chick. Jerry, the uncle of one of the bully kids, is the team’s coach and starts giving Clark and Richie crap. Gus sticks up for them and calls him Fairy Jerry. Jerry calls him Gus Bus.
Look guys, it's recycled Adam Sandler movie actor #91741 Jon Lovitz! I wonder how many other actors we'll see in this AWESOME comedy!
The guys leave the place and Nelson’s father Mel arrives. Jerry’s son bullies Nelson like Jerry bullied Mel when they were kids. Mel shows them the damage from years of nipple twisting. Mel drives Kit from Knight Rider. He drives up a gutter and Kit cries in pain. Gus goes home and Liz is pissed off he didn’t come back to make babies with her. He still doesn’t care. Now if I had the option of either banging my hot wife or going off to play with a bunch of losers… actually that’s a tough call I wouldn’t know what to do. Anyway it was around this time where my friends’ torture ended - and where mine got worse…
The guys go out to a sports store and screw around. The store’s owner Brad arrives and starts bullying around Clark and Richie. The two challenge Brad’s little league baseball team to a game and he accepts. They go to Gus, who is mowing a lawn, and throw a rock at him to get his attention. It bounces off the blades and hits Richie in the nuts. Nut strikes = comedy gold! Clark and Richie says them him what’s going on and Gus rushes to the baseball field. Richie pukes. Gus arrives and fends off a titty twister from Brad. Nelson is watching on and calls his dad. Insert the same thing as before where Gus owns everyone while Richie and Clark suck at the game. Don’t worry this is going to be repeated about five times in the movie.
Mel arrives with the Adam West Batmobile. Richie calls Howie that they won the game. He is happy and tries to go outside, but runs back in as soon as he sees the sun. Mel wants the guys to come to his place for lunch tomorrow. The next day they go to Mel’s huge mansion. He has a Darth Vader intercom at the gate. Inside are a lot of Star Wars crap and a robot butler called Number 7. He can make any sandwich you want. Mel wants the guys to stand up against the bullies. Nelson comes in and he has crap on his face. Mel is going to set up a tournament so they can beat all the bully teams. The prize is a baseball stadium. That’s one big prize. They call themselves the Benchwarmers.
Gus is at an ice-cream store and some kid comes up and starts spitting all over him when he speaks. Gus spits back when he talks to him, then goes outside and starts spitting on Liz. It didn’t look like spit, it looks like a sprinkle. It was pretty bad too. All the coaches of the bully teams are at the baseball field getting pissed off about the Benchwarmers. Game One starts up. Clark says he destroyed a potter potty and some guy throws up as he steps inside it. Mel gives the team tops. They make Mel the batboy and he almost has a heart attack. Some nerds are doing a webcast of the tournament.
Mel hires Gus and his crew to beat up all the bully baseball teams and to humiliate them. If that fails, I guess Mel could hire a hitman or something to take them out. It's probably easier hiring the assassin in my opinion. Now that would make an interesting movie...
The Salad Chick is watching Richie, who still sucks. Clark takes out a bunch of squirrels with his bat, and then throws the bat through Brad’s Porsche. The kids beat the crap out of him. Gus arrives and starts owning again, but feels down that the other guys are sucking. He tries to make them do stuff, but ends up allowing the opposite team to catch up. Gus ends up winning the game for the team again. Brad gives himself a titty twister.
Gus goes home and his wife wants to bang him for a kid but Gus is too hurt. She’s pissed off at him. Come on who is too pissed off to do a bit of hanky panky? That’s a load of crap! The guys go to Mel’s house for a “secret practice” and Reggie Jackson comes out. I don’t know who the hell he is so I’m going to assume he is some awesome basketball player – and yeah I know I said basketball. He was a nerd as well growing up with Mel and decides to teach them how to play better. Their training includes running from doors after ringing the bell. They ring a doorbell of a crazy guy and they all run but Clark, who hides in the bushes and farts. The crazy guy belts him. They go to another house and they bolt. Brad comes out with some guy in a g-string. I know… comedy gold right?
They roast potatoes for quick skills and throw them around. Clark holds onto it and throws it out the window. It hits Number 7, who is mowing the lawn, and he mows the dog. That looked REALLY crap. Don’t worry it’s just a bad comedy people that means the dog just half bald. To practice their hitting skills they drive down a road smashes letterboxes with a baseball bat. That’s a really good idea to give kids and drunken teenagers.
It’s Game Two and the scores are tied up. Richie is up and the catcher is giving him crap. Richie gets annoyed and visualizes the ball as a letterbox. He smashes it and takes off. He then visualizes the catcher’s head as a letterbox and dropkicks him as he wins the game. Jerry watches on getting pissed off in his car. Howie is scared to go outside again as their weekly food is being delivered by girl scouts. He runs outside, scares the girls, grabs food and runs back inside. I’m still not laughing by the way so I have no idea why people find this so funny. Maybe the answer will come soon. Anyway Richie is at his work and the Salad Chick arrives to return movies. Right now she is the only good thing about this movie.
Gus thinks it's more important to play a game of baseball with some losers rather than reproduce with his hot wife. The man has some serious problems.
The guys go to Mel’s place and the kids are running the chatrooms and websites. They are going to Brookdale for the next game and Gus is scared. Gus is talking to his wife about a landscaping convention he is going to. Gus talks about how he got picked on when he was a kid – then goes into the shower with his wife and pisses on her. No, I didn’t make that up. He pissed on her leg. I still didn’t laugh. Mel’s set up a luxury “Gus Bus” for the guys. Howie comes out of the house and joins the guys, because Richie told him there is a serial killer going around killing people called Howie. Yeah I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have watched the rest of this movie, even for this website.
Game Three begins and the guys are down a few runs. Gus wraps up the bat to Clark’s hands with tape and he nails the ball. It’s a tied game now. Howie sticks his head out of the bus and gets nailed by an egg. Gus pulls the pants down of all the kids around the baseball diamond as he makes the winning point. Game Four’s at Brookdale. The coach of the team says Gus sounds familiar but Gus tells him he has never been here before. Clark is holding a bug in his mitt and catches the ball. It crushes the bug and Clark eats it. Gus nails the ball and it hits Brad’s gay friend in a kiddie pool. The game is almost lost but the guys pull off another bullcrap win. Yay… woo hoo… I wanna kill myself now.
The team makes the headlines on the newspaper and Gus panics about his wife finding out. Number 7 replaces the newspaper on Gus’ doorstep. It’s the semi-finals and Jerry introduces Carlos to Wayne – another coach. Carlos is a thirty-year old Cuban who they are pretending is twelve. Wayne says no until the Benchwarmers start owning the team. They bribe the umpire and Carlos is let on the team. Richie tells Howie to go get beer and alcohol. Carlos owns the team until Howie gives him the alcohol. Gus makes a base but Carlos stomps on his hand. Gus can’t pitch so Clark’s up. He sucks and Carlos starts owning them now, until he starts getting drunk. The bases are loaded but no one else can bat so Howie is forced to play. He gets hit in the arm by the ball and the team gets an auto-win – just like Homer did in the Simpsons. Carlos throws up on the coach and passes out.
The coaches are playing poker and one of them panics when he hears Gus’ name. It turns out that Gus was a major bully back in the day. The Benchwarmers are celebrating being in the finals and Gus goes off to take a piss. As he does, a report comes on about Gus’ past. Everyone’s upset at Gus, who leaves. Gus goes home and Liz tells him to apoloise to the kid he made go crazy. He goes to Brookvale and Gus goes to the house of the kid, who is a midget complete with a tea set and cardboard castle. He gets scared when of Gus but he apologises to him and gives him his baseball cap. Meanwhile Mel gets people to build the stadium in under twenty-four hours. I’m still not laughing…
I'm glad this Cuban guy showed everyone just 'how good' the Benchwarmers really are. Too bad he didn't turn around and crack Dennis Finch in the face with the bat.
It’s the championship game is being held at the newly built stadium. Some Goths say Gus will die. Gus arrives and says apologises for lying to Clark, Richie and Nelson. They forgive him and agree to keep being friends. Mel welcomes everyone and the midget dude arrives. He talks about Gus and about forgiving people as the camera sneaks in advertisements for PLAYSTATION and MOUNTAIN DEW advertising. Mmm Mountain Dew… you know it’s really nice to drink especially when it’s nice and cold with ice on a hot day. Where was I? Oh yeah, everyone forgives Gus and he comes out, saying that they are going to let Nelson and his nerd friends play. Why the HELL would they want to screw the team up like that for!?
The nerds are sucking badly as Jerry acts like an asshole to all of them. The nerds cheer on the bullies, who are all confused about their attitude. The nerds are still losing but they are having fun. The bullies feel sorry for the nerds and start playing crap on purpose. Jerry gets pissed off at his team for not trying anymore. The nerds manage to get just one run, and everyone starts going crazy about it. For some reason they flood the stadium and act like the nerds won. What the hell!? Oh I get it, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose all that matters is that you’re having fun… that’s a load of bullshit! Why play a game to begin with!? The purpose of playing a game is to win! You don’t decide “Gees you know what I think I’m going to play something for over an hour only to lose today. Yeah that’s what I’ll do!” You’ve accomplished nothing! NOTHING!!!
So anyway, Gus and the guys come along and hang Jerry on a fence by his jocks. Everyone celebrates at PIZZA HUT drinking PEPSI. Richie and Clark are kissing girls. Mel asks Gus to coach the team and Gus’s wife is pregnant! He tells everyone she is pregnant because he went all the way with her. Everyone cheers, and Howie freaks out when he finds out what “going all the way” with someone means.
The movie ends… and I still haven’t laughed. I’m built up with rage! And anger! My Final Thoughts await me. Until then Bucket Heads I hope you all take it easy. You know I sure could go for a nice cold COKE right about now, or a 7UP. Yeah, and I’m getting hungry so I might get something to eat at KFC or MCDONALDS. Hmm… maybe I’ll settle for a SUBWAY instead, what do you think?
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