Batman & Robin - Part 2
April 21st 2008 00:37
"Holy Shitty Movie Batman! How could someone screw up something so simple like our franchise?"
Back in the Batcave Robin is fuming about what Batman had done to him and Batman tells him to leave if he isn’t happy. Alfred tells Batman he is being a bit too harsh and has another flash back of when he was a kid. Robin catches Barbara trying to steal a bike so she kicks his ass. Mr. Freeze is in prison and has to live in a beam of ice to live or he’s gonna die. Ivy and Bane kick out a gang from their hideout – while he beats them up we’re treated to more crappy sound effects - and Ivy grows a bunch of plants from special seeds she has. Yeah I know this movie keeps getting worse as it goes on.
Batman is with his boring girlfriend. She wants to marry him for his money no doubt. She gets annoyed cause he says no to marriage and then thinks she is Ivy. Robin catches Barbara going out again so he follows her. She goes to an underground bike racing tournament. Robin gets involved with the race. They race and everything they jump over or go through explodes into flames, even wooden boxes. There’s an accident and Barbara almost falls off the bridge but Robin saves her and uses the witty line, “This is where you hang out!?”. Funny no? Barbara talks about her dead parents and how street racing helps her kill the pain, and then we find out poor Alfred is dying!
Freeze carves his wife out of a piece of ice, puts it on the gears of a clock and some how, it can play music. Ivy comes into his cell, kisses the guards and they die. Bane comes with his gear and we’re treated to about five minutes of bad jokes. They are trapped inside the wall as they are made of re-enforced steel… even those the walls are made from BRICKS! Mr. Freeze freezes the wall and they break out.
Batman and Alfred talk about his illness and they find out Freeze escaped. They go to Freeze’s hideout with the police and find his frozen wife. Freeze turns up the coldness of the place and chills everyone to perfection. Batman and Robin fight Bane and get their asses kicked. Ivy seduces Robin then Batman while Freeze beats up all the cops. Ivy flirts with Robin as Batman fights off Bane. Robin fights with Batman, and Batman kicks his ass as well. Ivy and Bane escape but not before she pulls the plug on Freeze’s woman and kills her. What a bitch!
Back at Ivy’s hideout she tells Freeze Batman killed his wife. Freeze is sad, he cries and his tear freezes up. He gets mad and vows to freeze the city and Ivy says she can replant the world with her monster plants. Mr. Freeze says they are going to be like Adam and Eve-vall. You get it! It’s a play on words! Adam and EVE-VAL! That’s some GREAT scriptwriting right there!
Damn critics were right - Uma Thurman DOES look like a badly dressed drag queen!
Alfred’s lying in his bed dying from his illness which happens to be the same disease Mr. Freeze's wife is dying from. Robin and Batman start arguing and Batman tells him that Ivy is somehow corrupting their thoughts but Robin is too stupid to see through it. Alfred talks to Barbara and gives her some CD. Batman goes to the opening of the observatory and Ivy finds out where the Bat-Signal is. Freeze gets ready to ice everyone. Ivy changes the Bat-Signal to a Robin-Signal as Barbara looks through the CD and tries to figure out the password. Batman has a touching moment with Alfred and we get another flashback. Batgirl figures it out the password and finds out all about Batman. I know he is dying but what would have made Alfred give her all this information? What would stop her from selling all the information to the highest bidder!
Freeze shows up at the observatory and takes over the place. Robin sees the symbol in the sky and heads to Ivy but Batman tries to talk sense into him. Freeze converts the telescope into a giant ice gun and says that Hell is about to freeze over. Barbara heads into the Batcave and now becomes Batgirl, complete with a Batsuit with Bat-Breasts. Robin goes to Ivy’s hideout and she emerges from a giant flower. Ivy tells Robin what is going on and she kisses him. She thinks he is going to die but he has come prepared with rubber protection on his flips. See Robin placed a thin layer of rubber on his lips to stop the poison. What did you think I meant by rubber protection on his lips? You think he was going to kiss her with a condom over his face?
Ivy gets annoyed and pushes Robin into the pool. Batgirl shows up and tells Ivy she is about to become compost. Robin tries to gets out of the gasp of the plants, but gets dragged back down. Now let us stop for a minute ok because this scene is very infamous. Robin comes up from the water, water splashes out from the pool, she struggles and goes back under. However, the same footage of him plays in REVERSE of him going under, even the water splashes back in the same way it came out! Batman comes along, helps defeat Ivy, and the trio act like a bunch of idiots.
Freeze ices everything in the city as Batman, Robin and Batgirl rush to save the city and it seems they had enough time to go back to the Batcave and get dressed in new suits. Mr. Freeze says that “Tonight’s forecast, a Freeze is coming!”. Robin and Batgirl fight Bane, remove the pipes they pump into his body and shrink him back to normal size. Batman fights Mr. Freeze and puts a heater on him. Batman reverses the freeze gun to a heat gun and begins to unfreeze the city. Freeze blows the place up and Batman saves the civilians inside the observatory.
Batman & Robin have Bat-Nipples on their suits, Batgirl has Bat-Breasts on her suit and each suit has finely detailed body features like their butts and abs. They should just let the trio run around naked with a cape tied around their necks for the whole movie.
The gun has been destroyed so they redirect the satellites onto the city and finish off unfreezing it. They show Freeze a video they recorded that shows Ivy telling them she was the one who killed Freeze’s wife. Batman gives Freeze an inspirational speech and turns him into a good guy. Freeze gives Batman the cure he needs to help Alfred that he just happens to carry with him everywhere he goes. He tells Batman to take two of these and call him in the morning.
Batman, Robin and Batgirl head back to the hideout, they’ve changed their suits AGAIN and give the cure to Alfred. Ivy’s in prison and Freeze is now her cellmate Everyone’s waiting to see if Alfred will be ok, and he’s walking around like nothing happened. Everyone is happy, Batman says he’d like to have Batgirl as part of the team and Alfred says they’ll need a bigger cave now. The three heroes run towards the screen in their suits as the movie ends leaving every single Batman fan horribly scarred for life.
The review may seem shorter than the other movies I have reviewed before but trust me, when you watch this movie it feels like it is going a lot longer. It was a terrible movie and an insult to the entire Batman franchise. I’ll go into more detail on Friday but whenever I watch this movie it just makes me furious knowing that years before Tim Burton made the movie a lot better with less effects. Even the new Batman movies don’t have that many special effects and is still amazing to watch!
Well Bucket Heads I’ll leave you all with re-opened wounds for those who have seen this movie before – and new wounds to those who have not seen this yet – and I shall see you all for the Top 5 Flops & Final Thoughts in a few days. Take care!
[Click To Go Back To Part 1]
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Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
The cut me open with this film and I keep bleeding.
I concur. This make the old TV series look classy.
Tonight there will be a Feeeeeeezze....
Holy craptacular Batman!
Good review.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I loved the old TV series and everything about its cheesiness. Some of the ways Batman would get out of a scenario would get me annoyed yet I would laugh at how stupid it was. When we were kids we thought it was cool, but as adults we think its stupid, but its still cool.
I could go for watching the Adam West Batman Movie now - there's nothing like seeing a shark attached to Batman's leg in midair!
Thanks for the comments!