Batman & Robin - Part 1
April 21st 2008 00:38
I know what you're thinking - "It's about time you posted it".
Batman, the name says it all Bucket Heads. When you hear someone say Batman you know who they are talking about. You know they are talking about the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, Gotham City’s Defender. New generations know him in Christopher Nalon’s awesome re-launch of the entire franchise with Christian Bale playing the lead role very well. To the old generations they’ll remember the TV series starring Adam West. It wasn’t meant to be a serious TV show it was just about having fun seeing Batman use his ridiculous gadgets to get out of every deadly scenario. It spawned a feature length movie that is still fun to watch to this day.
What about those in between? What about my generation? While some of managed some episodes of the Adam West series we were treated to Batman: The Animated Series which is still one of the greatest Batman cartoons around. It was dark, the villains were twisted and Batman himself was cold and brutal. We loved it, and then we got to see Tim Burton’s Batman and Batman Returns with Michael Keaton playing the hero and actors like Jack Nicholson, Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer playing The Joker, The Penguin and Catwoman. Some older generations thought it was a bit dark for the cartoon-ish series they grew up to love but they still enjoyed it as much as our generation did.
Everything was going so very well for Batman, until a director named Joel Schumacher came along to butcher everything we loved. When Batman Forever came out fans enjoyed the movie but we all felt it was too colorful in comparison with the last two movies. Die hard fans like myself would have disliked the way villains like Two-Face were portrayed based on the character’s traits (the flipping of the coin until he got what he wanted is a perfect example). After watching this movie and we learned another Batman movie was in the making, we were all looking forward to see what was going to happen. With a strong acting cast (George Clooney as Batman, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze) everyone thought this might be one of the best Batman movies yet.
But we were wrong, oh how we were all wrong. How we were all very wrong…
Batman is back and this time he is bringing his secret weapon, his Bat-Nipples! Let's see Adam West pull THAT one out of his utility belt!
We begin our movie with Batman and Robin getting dressed in their newly designed Batsuits complete with nipples. Robin complains he has to drive a motorbike around because chicks dig cars to which Batman makes the remarks about Superman working alone. Alfred says he’ll cancel the pizza he ordered which tells me he isn’t a very good butler if he is ordering take out. Batman and Robin head off to go fight the latest threat to Gotham City, Mr. Freeze.
Mr. Freeze is at the museum freezing a bunch of security guards while busting out some of the worst lines ever in a movie. Basically everything that Mr. Freeze says in this movie is related to ice in some way. Within a minute we hear quotes like “The ice man cometh!”, “My condition makes me cold to your pleas of mercy!” and “In this university there’s only one absolute, everything freezes!” Yeah I know, it’s really painful to read but trust me it’s worse listening to them. Batman comes in so foil Mr. Freeze’s plans but the villains tell him that he won’t be sent to the cooler. Freeze’s goons dressed up like a bunch of hockey players come out and whenever one falls over we’re treated to a nice “Plonk!” sound effect. They play hockey with the diamond Freeze is trying to take as the villains tells us that the ice age killed the dinosaurs. Freeze gets his gem and escapes in his tank that turns into a huge rocket. Robin leaps onto the vehicle from across the room and grabs onto it.
Batman goes after him but Mr. Freeze escapes from the rocket and glides down to Earth. Robin helps Batman escape who just acts like an asshole to him for doing so then the two proceed to use the doors of the rocket as surfboards and surf the airwaves down to the city. They land perfectly fine and chase Freeze through a building. Freeze ices Robin telling him to stay cool and escapes. Batman melts Robin by heating him up in some water.
Mr. Freeze is one COLD hearted villain. He's as COLD AS ICE and he'll send CHILLS down your spine! On weekend though he likes to hang at his crib and CHILL with his friends.
We go so a lab in the Amazon jungle where a scientist called Pamela is ranting on about some experiments. A storm brews as she continues to talk about mutating plants with venom and how stupid her boss is. She sneaks into his private underground lab where the crazy doctor is making some huge super soldier out of a skinny guy using venom, steroids and toxics. With the world’s deadliest terrorist leaders watching on the dotor calls the monster Bane and it proceeds to destroy the lab. The doctor sees Pamela, she gets annoyed at him so he pushes her into a desk full of poisons and deadly snakes. All of the toxics start melting the ground.
Batman tells us the story of Mr. Freeze as Alfred seems to be dying. Batman doesn’t care and then gets annoyed at Robin for screwing up before. Robin has a bitch back then batman has a random flashback of himself when he was a kid with Alfred. You know considering Alfred has been a father to Bruce Wayne you would have thought he would show a little bit of concern for the old guy.
We go back to the Amazon lab and the ground starts shaking. Pamela turns into her evil alter ego Poison Ivy comes out with a brand new make over. She act like a tart, seduces the doctor and kills him with a kiss, of poison! She goes on a rant about doing Mother Nature’s bidding and destroys the lab with Bane at her side. Meanwhile in Mr. Freeze’s hideout in an ice-cream factory the evil villain is making his goons sing winter songs. A woman wants to bang him because he is making her hot. Freeze heads to the lab where he is holding his dying wife and talks to his henchman Frosty about freezing the city to cure his frozen wife.
A girl called Barbara shows up and she is Alfred’s niece. She says she is from England but she sounds American. Her parents are dead and Alfred’s been taking care of her ever since. The only clothes she wears is her school uniform. Robin wants to bang her. Alfred and Barbara talk to each other. She isn’t as innocent as we thought she was! She sneaks out and steals a motorbike. Ivy arrives in Gotham City and heads to the Gotham Observatory and Batman is giving a ton of money to the place. Ivy pushes through cops to speak to Batman. She wants some funding for saving the world but Batman’s an asshole and doesn’t wanna save the world. He invites her to some auction they are going to have to raise funds for some charity. Ivy walks off narrating ever single detail of her planned invasion. Mr. Freeze is watching his wedding and getting all sad. He is wearing Polar Bear Slippers… yes that’s right polar bear slippers on a villain.
Batman's credit card expire and it good until 'Forever'. Do you get it? It's a reference to the third movie Batman Forever. That's creative!
The auction time has a big jungle party theme. They are auctioning off women who are themed as flowers. Ivy’s in a gorilla suit and seduces all the guys with some love dust after making a grand entrance. She seduces Batman and Robin and a huge bidding war starts up between the two heroes. Batman whips out his credit card and wins the auction then Freeze comes in. He tells everyone to chill, a fight breaks out and Freeze walks up to Ivy for the diamond necklace she is wearing. She tries her dust but it doesn’t work on the “cold hearted.” Freeze says it was a “cool party” before taking off with Batman and Robin hot on his trail. Batman disables Robin’s bike as they come to a jump. Freeze makes the jump as does Batman. Batman jumps out and flies into Freeze. He poses with Freeze’s body.
Well looks like Batman has captured the villain, or has he? Will Mr. Freeze be trapped in the cooler for good? How far will Poison Ivy go with her quest to punish those harming Mother Nature? Will Alicia Silverstone going to show any signs of decent acting? Can this movie get any more worse? Oh believe me Bucket Heads... it sure does...
[Click To Go To Part 2]
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Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
Yes this is the move that made me hate Arnie.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I remember seeing the Bat-Nipples the first time I watched this movie when I was like 12 or something and giggled, then I giggled at the Bat-Ass Cheeks and Bat-Ass Crack. When I watched this movie now, I shuddered and thought how stupid it was. Bat Nipples, gotta love them.
Nalon actually had a Bat-Suit designed for Bale with Bat Nipples on it and told him that the new design was in his dressing room. Bale walked out wearing the suit and knew Nalon had to be joking
I agree on this movie being a source of amusement since I had more fun trashing this movie than watching it. I think it's visually appealing however relying too heavily on special effects hurt the movie a lot.
Hello Damo,
I totally agree with you, I hated Arnie after watching this movie as well. I then watched Terminator 2 and it made me love him again
Arnie sucking at an action movie... unheard of until this thing came out though most would debate Last Action Hero was his worst.
Thanks for the comments gentlemen!
Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
The wonderful Peter Yang's No.1 blog
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I agree Batman does rock but this movie sucked. You know a movie is terrible when the director later apologises for how much it sucked. More about that on Friday's post
Cheers.
Comment by Jarrah
Back to the Eighties
Never could sit through the whole thing.
Huge cast, huge piece of crap.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
This movie almost made the top of my most hated movies as well. It really sucks but it doesn't suck as much as other movies that I've seen. You couldn't sit through the whole movie? I could it was enjoyable-ish for a period of time but damn, you really must hate this movie
This movie shows that a huge cast doesn't make a good movie. In the end the movie was slammed so badly by critics Warner Bros canceled the next install shortly after. More on this in my next review in a few days time.
Cheers dude!
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies