Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever - Part 2
March 2nd 2008 23:18
When slow motion effects were used for some of his scenes, I did wonder if it was just Antonio Banderas' slow acting.
A prison bus comes out of a garage with DIA cars following it. Ecks is being transporting to prison but he is freeing himself from his handcuffs. Sever is on a bridge waiting for the bus and launches a bomb at it. She fires another bomb at it which makes it flip over and skid across the road on his side. Ecks, inside the same bus that’s been flipped over, grabs a grenade launcher, gets on top of the bus and fires at Sever, who takes off on a bike. The bus crashes into a bunch of cars. Ecks grabs a motorbike and chases her. Now the DIA are chasing him.
Everyone is driving around all over the place and I have no idea what the hell is going on. A car cuts off Ecks so now the DIA are on her tail. A car pile up happens blocking off one DIA cars. They go through a truck junkyard. Sever gets off her bike and shoots a car with her launcher. She shoots at a bunch of cars to cause a big blockage. Ecks slams into it and lands safely while the other cars go flying. Ecks rolls around on the ground for a little bit before passing out. Sever comes up to him, aims her gun but removes the cartridge and drops it on the ground. Sever tells him Gent has his wife, oh damn now this is getting serious!
Gant is with his wife and Agent Ross wants to talk to him privately. Ross tells Gant that Sever helped Ecks escape. The wife comes barging in asking what the hell is going on. She’s pissed off nothing is being done and walks out of the house. Sever feeds the kid a nice sandwich along with other things and the boy thanks her. What a lovely young man.
Ecks follows the wife to a park or something and she enters an aquarium. She is looking at a bunch of fish and stuff and Ecks is watching her. Wow this place has sea cows and seals and everything! Ecks confronts his wife, and they hug... in slow motion number 7!!! We go to a flashback where they are at some fancy restaurant. Gent wants Ecks’ wife back in the day but he couldn’t since they were married. He set up the car bomb so that Ecks thought his wife was in the car but she wasn’t, and his wife thought Ecks was in the car but he wasn’t. I’m so damn confused right now I’m just going to have a shot while I try to work out how the HELL two people could be so damn stupid. Oh, and the kid Sever kidnapped isn’t Gent real kid but its Ecks. DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!! God this movie keeps getting worse by the minute.
Ecks starts running with his wife, in slow motion which kills the whole effect of running by the way 8!!! and Sever pulls up next to them in a car. They get in as a helicopter crashes them while the whole scene is accompanied by this crappy techno/pop music. Ecks and Sever talk in the car as the helicopter follows Sever back to her now not secret hideout. Sever reunites Eck and his wife with their son and let me tell you, this kid is pretty pale since both of his parents are Hispanic. Maybe it was Gent’s kid after all. Sever hides the wife and son up in an elevator before Ecks and Sever start loading up on weapons like crazy. Gent heads down to the location with tons of his guys ready to go to war!
Guess who wins, the Asian who knows Kung-Fu or the British that thinks he is Asian who knows Kung-Fu? That's right, a grenade!
Sever calls Gant on the phone and they see her standing on top of a train. They shot at her with grenade launchers but they just don’t shot where she is, they are shooting up EVERYTHING in plain sight. Ecks and Sever are walking around in slow motion 9!!! as the DIA moves in. Sever starts setting off bombs she’s placed around the area and so does Ecks. I’m not talking about one or two bombs, I mean these two loaded up every single position in this area with explosives. EVERYTHING is blowing up. The DIA agents are either running around or getting knocked backwards and yes, it is all in slow motion 10!!!. Ecks shoots a barrel, which sets off more slow motion explosions 11!!! as he aims his shotgun at some DIA agents in his path… and misses. For someone who is meant to be a well trained agent he has a pretty bad aim. Ecks and Sever see each other in the train yard and start killing people back to back. More DIA agents flood the area slowly 12!!!, which means you should all be getting pretty hammered right now.
Ross shows up with about a dozen DIA guards and Sever weaves in and out between the group through the train yard. She sets off a few bombs and blows them all up but Ross and a few other agents. Meanwhile Ecks has his back turned to Gent and a bunch of his guys. Ecks asks Gent why he faked their deaths and Gent said he was in it for a promotion and money… a promotion and money? He destroyed a couple’s relationship and faked BOTH of their deaths so he could get a promotion and money? I’m not going to even try to tackle that one. Ecks is stepping on a mine and starts bolting. The mine goes off but Gent and his guys had run off before it exploded and Ecks get buried in a pile of debris.
Meanwhile Ross and Sever are in Sever’s headquarters and are having a big shoot out with each other. Sever runs up the stairs and shoots some wires that lands in a random puddle of water. The two stare one another down, toss their guns aside and pull out a knife. Yes! Knife fight! They fight and Sever gets her face cut. Sever gets a chain but can’t hit Ross for crap. Ross grabs the chain off her and wraps it around a pole. Sever runs off while Ross peruses her in slow motion 13!!!. Sever gets another chain and starts beating the crap out of Ross, but he ends up choking her with another chain. Wow, this place as a lot of damn chains. Sever starts kicking his ass however Gent interrupts the fight by throwing a bomb at them. Sever ducks but poor Ross is blown to pieces.
Gent brings down the elevator that is hiding Eck’s wife and kid… wait how the HELL did he know they were up there? Ecks comes up to them and Gent wants to stab the kid with a needle gun. It turns out he used the kid to smuggle the weapon across to America from Europe. He goes to extract it but he doesn’t have it. Ecks tells Gant to ask Sever where it is. Ecks leaves with his family for Sever to kill grant. She shoots Gant in the shoulder with the gun she put the special bullet in. Gent thinks Sever had a pretty bad aim but that gun has the bullet with the Softkill weapon in it. She sets it off, and Gent dies form bad acting brought in by a Hollywood-style heart attack.
At this point in the movie, Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu just realised this movie screwed up their acting careers.
The cops and FBI and everyone show up at the destroyed train yard and Ecks tells Agent Lee and the FBI to leave Sever alone, who is riding the elevator to the top. The next morning Sever meets up with Ecks on a ship. The two of them are still bloody and beaten from the night before. Ecks thanks Sever for giving his family back to her. Sever disappears and leaves before an origami swam for Ecks. The credits roll accompanied by a really bad RNB song.
And that is the review of what many have considered to be the worst movie ever made. It was pretty bad since all it contained was an unlimited amount of explosions and gunfire and little script to work it. I have seen movies before with little script and lots of action that can work if the script is simple enough but this script kept adding new things and twists that you couldn’t keep up with. There were too many action scenes that were weak from bad editing, bad acting, bad choice of song and the overkill of the slow motion effect.
Anyway if you were following this drinking game I hope you are so blind you’re throwing up all over the place, cursing me that I tricked you into this game. I’ll be here Friday with my Top 5 Flops & Final Thoughts section. Until then have a wonderful week Bucket Heads!
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