Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever - Part 1
March 2nd 2008 23:18
Category: No Category
Ecks & Sever: Possibly one of the most boring and slowest action movies that you will ever see.
Bucket Heads, I’m going to be serious for a moment before I begin this week’s crucifixion. There comes a movie so often that you really, really get annoyed at. When I started this website I had a slight idea of what I was going to get myself into. Sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time to watch terrible movies that many critics or websites have stated that are the worst movies they’ve ever seen. I heard so much bashing of this week’s movie I decided to give it a go, what could possibility go wrong?
Oh, how I did not know what the hell I was getting myself into when I was going to watch this movie. This movie has been slammed by critics and websites all around the world as being one of the worst movies out there. I’ve seen bad Bucket Heads and this is one doesn’t take the cake it takes 95% of it. It’s a terrible, terrible movie but it is not as bad as Curse of the Komodo, which in my opinion is the worst movie I have seen yet.
This movie however is up there in my list of worst movies ever. The name of this week’s movie is called Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and if you haven’t seen it before I strongly encourage you not to see it, for whatever your life is worth I suggest you do NOT watch this movie EVER. Don’t even tempt yourself after reading this review to go watch it just to see how bad this movie is.
Before we begin let’s play a game. I want you all to go to get a bottle of Vodka or Scotch or Whiskey or whatever your favourite alcohol spirit is and get yourself a shot glass. Every time I mention that slow motion effects are used, I want you all to have a shot. Actually… you better get yourself two bottles of your favourite drink. Trust me, it’s going to be a LONG movie. Let’s begin the torture!
Just 1 of the 541 Trillion explosions that appear in this movie.
After what has to be the slowest display of credits the movie finally starts. A plane arrives at an airport and some Latin chick is waiting around. She smiles as she sees some young boy come off the plane with some old dude. Turns out she is Rayne Gant and that is her son Michael. By the way the actress who plays Rayne is the same one who played Katana from Mortal Kombat. Anyway Rayne takes Michael to their huge home but these guys from some agency come around as soon as they get in the driveway and take the kid back to his father who ditched his son in Europe.
Damn, if that was my dad and I flew all the way to Europe to visit him only to have him send me back home I’d be pretty pissed off. So when the escort for this kid, who has to be the president’s son I am assuming since he has that much protection around him, a car bomb goes off destroying the front vehicle of the escort. A garbage truck rams one of the cars and a tear gas grenade gets thrown out. The agents begin doing the smart thing and start firing up the place. A chick in a full hooded robe jumps out and start kicking everyone all over the place. Guns are no much for this foxy chick’s kung-fu as she destroys everyone and walks up to the kid.
We go to a bar and Ecks is approached by some FBI agents. They want him to go with them but Ecks kicks their ass. Some boss dude called Agent Martin shows up, who is played by the D.A in Medium, and before he can even open his mouth Ecks tells him he won’t work for him. He could at least listen to what this guy has to offer before refusing him. Martin plays Ecks a sound recording of his supposed dead wife and he’ll tell Ecks where she is if he helps out. They both bicker about the job and the conditions so Ecks leaves the bar. He starts walking through the rain in slow motion 1!!! and has a flashback of a car explosion that his wife was supposed to have died in. Ecks decides to help out and takes a plane to his destination.
Sever is in her secret lair and has the boy trapped inside a nice little cage with a nice comfortable bed. She is running a bunch of tests on the kid on her computer. Ok… that’s interesting. Meanwhile we go to Robert Gent, the head of the assassin agency known as DIA (I think that’s the name of it) and his assistant A.J Ross. They are on a bridge in a park with some guy who was meant to protect his son. Gent hands the guy a gun and tells him to kill himself for screwing up, to which the guy listens too. Wow that’s the kind of devotion from your employees that you can’t buy with money. As the guy is about to pull the trigger, he has a second thought and aims it at Gent but ends up getting a sniper bullet right between his eyes. Ross reminds Gent that they only have 28 hours left or his son dies. Gent wants his son back no matter the cost. If you wanted him so bad you shouldn’t have ditched him in Europe you asshole.
Thank God for Lucy Liu and her Kung-Fu skills saved this movie from sucking even more. It still sucked a lot by the way.
Eck’s plane lands and his escort arrives driving backwards. Yeah I don’t get it either. They take Ecks to the FBI building and inform him of the past events, including information about a weapon called Softkill’ that can kill people via natural death (heart attack and stuff). It seems like the DIA stole the prototype of the weapon and Gent is suspected for the organization but they can’t prove it yet. They show the footage of Sever kicking everyone’s ass and Ecks automatically knows who it is. It turns out the DIA takes dumped baby girls from China and train them for their whole lives to kill. Wow, way to insult the Chinese as a race of people as a bunch of baby dumpers.
The next day Sever is walking around a mall in slow motion 2!!! while people set up to capture her. Meanwhile Ecks starts popping pills and says he is taking them for his diet. Yeah… I’m sure that’s what they are for. It’s either drugs or Viagra but I don’t know why he’d be taking it if his wife’s meant to be dead! Maybe he’s getting his hopes up early. As he is popping pills his assistant Agent Lee starts taking about his daughter and wife which means he is most likely going to be killed off soon.
The trap is set up and some guys moves in to capture Sever but she kicks his ass. She grabs a gun and fires it into the air making the huge crowd of people run all over the place so the DIA naturally do the most publicly safe thing possible, and fire back at her while she is in the crowd. Sever fires back at the rooftops knowing exactly where the hell they are positioned from one glance. Police start showing up with a nice slow motion effect 3!!! Everyone is shooting up everything that is moving and that isn’t moving for that matter. Sever manages to shoot some sniper off the roof and he falls down into a car below very slowly 4!!!. She runs out in the middle of a group of soldiers with a pair of batons in her hands and starts beating the crap out of everyone before mounting a huge chaingun and shooting up everything that is remaining in the streets. I should mention that this scene jumps constantly back and forth in slow motion but we’ll call this shot number 5!!!.
The FBI shows up with Ecks to check out the carnage. It seems like the DIA is a government branch that the FBI hate as the FBI boss Martin meets Agent Ross. Wait I am so damn confused right now. A U.S Government agency stole a top secret weapon from themselves in their European base? Umm… I’m just going to nod my head like I understand this crap and continue with the review. Ecks checks out the shooting and tells Martin to pull his men out as Sever is still around and she is going to destroy EVERYTHING! Martin gets shot, don’t worry he has a bullet proof vest on, and tells Ecks that Sever knows where his wife is.
Sever bolts and Ecks chases her. Some guy is trying to bang a chick in the alley, sees Sever, and asks her if she wants to hook him with him so she kicks his ass. I think that was honestly the most damn random scene I have seen in a movie. Ecks shows up and Sever tries to run over him. She gets chased by the cops, she throws a bomb at a truck to stop people coming. Ecks shoots the grenade which explodes before it can hit the ground and flips Sever’s car. Ecks checks out the car but Sever is nowhere to be seen.
Sever runs through a parking lot and Ecks gives chase. Agent Lee goes running after her as well and now he is asking to die. Ecks finds Sever but Lee screws it up. Sever shoots him! I told you that idiot was going to die! Sever runs as Ecks runs to the fallen Lee, who was wearing a vest as well. Damn it! This movie just screwed up my theory! Anyway, Ecks gives chase once more and they meet up on the rooftop. Ecks says he wants his wife and the two start fighting. Well it doesn’t look like well choreographed fighting that you’d see in some kick ass kung-fu movies, it’s more like the two are doing some drunken version of the tango, in slow motion 6!!!.DIA agents position themselves on a nearby rooftop and unload at the two. Sever jumps off the roof, falls down a tube and lands safely on the ground. Ecks follows her down but she takes off and disappears.
Ecks & Sever aren't going the tango, they are trying to fight.
Ecks is at the home of the Agent Lee and he smokes in front of his daughter. She shakes his head as if to tell him ‘no’. I don’t know if this scene is meant to be cute or funny but it’s annoying me. The little Asian girl just keeps staring at him until her dad comes and calls her out of the room. Agent Lee cracks some lame joke that neither Ecks or myself are laughing about. Ecks says Martin is lucky he didn’t die cause Sever never misses. What the hell? She didn’t miss she hit him. That makes no damn sense. Meanwhile Sever is on her computer looking up the ‘Softkill’ robot bug thing that can kill anyone. She’s working with a bunch of tools and loads up some gun with a special bullet. So I think she has this ‘Softkill’ weapon thing in that bullet. Pretty small thing for such a powerful and dangerous weapon.
Ecks is on the internet with Agent Lee and they hack into a government website and finds the information about Sever. Meanwhile Sever is looking up Ecks on the internet and finds his wife. Oh crap, it turns out that the wife of Agent Gent, the kid’s mother at the start of the movie who was Katana in Mortal Kombat, was his wife! Oh this is turning out to be like a really bad soap opera but with guns and lots of slow motion effects. Ecks discovers that Sever had a family, including a baby of her own, that was killed in an explosion years ago. Cops bust in on the house and Ecks gets arrested for shooting Martin. Umm… no one saw that Martin was randomly shot from the distance when Ecks was standing right next to him?
Sever and Gent talk on the phone and it turns out Gent blew up her family cause Sever screwed up. It then turns out Gent injected the Softkill weapon into his son’s own body which is why Sever wanted to kidnap his son. Sever tells Gent she’ll either kill his son or him. Ecks is under arrest and the DIA has him now. Agent Ross talks to Ecks about Sever, who was a former DIA agent and Ecks tells him that he can help chase her. Ross calls Gent and tells him about Ecks, and Gent wants Ecks to get the hell out of there. Gent goes home to his wife who is pissed off that her son isn’t back yet. She wants him back now and runs off crying.
So it looks like things are really heating up in this kitchen. If you are following on with our little drinking game you should be 6 shots into your first bottle. Will Ecks find Sever and get his wife back? Will Sever get revenge on Gent for killing her family? Will we have to go get another bottle of alcohol if the slow motion effects continue to happen this much? Only one way to find out…
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Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies
I totally agree with you. This movie wasn't exciting it was just slow and so stretched out due to the overly used slow effect. This movie should have gone for 30 minutes but due to the special effects it went for 2 hours.
Just what movies would make the worst movies list that you enjoy anyway?