Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid - Part 2
March 24th 2008 22:37
Category: No Category
Be very very quiet, I'm hunting humans...
Everyone is know walking through knee-deep water but what they don’t know is that there is a gigantic anaconda stalking them! The monkey is warning them but they don’t listen to him. Some of them start to freak out because they can feel something move around so Ben decides to be funny by singing the Jaws theme. Unfortunately for Ben, and fortunately for us, the snake takes him under. Everyone is trying to find him until the snake bursts out from the water swinging Ben around like a young kid swings around a stuffed toy. No one bothers trying to save and just run straight over to the land.
Cole is going crazy and he doesn’t want to die but by the way he is acting right now I hope he gets killed next. Johnson comments on how that was the biggest snake he ever saw and it won’t be attacking since it takes days for anacondas to digest their food. Well, I’m glad finally they decided to actually stick to something true about these animals. Gail and Cole want to leave but Gordon and Jack want to continue on. Gordon is only doing this for the money but Jack really wants to find this flower to save people. Johnson tells everyone he is in charge for no reason at all and says he is taking them all back to safety. Oh the tension is so thick Bucket Heads you could stab it with a fork!
Everyone is walking through the jungle and Cole is still freaking out. Johnson and Sam talk to each other and he tells her that it was Jack’s idea to continue up the river. There’s a leech on Cole’s neck and he starts screaming. They remove the leech from his neck, then find out his entire back is covered in leeches! Gordon is about to put on a shoe but Tran stops him and taps a big spider out. He traps it in a jar and says the venom of this spider will paralyze you for two days. Wow, I have never heard of a spider like that before. Jack thinks medical and wants to give it to his company for research but Gordon wants to sell this spider off for tons of money. Johnson just gets pissed off at the two of them for not thinking about anyone else.
Meanwhile the Aussie guy is getting drunk and drops his bottle. He stops the boat and something attack it! The anaconda comes out from the water and attacks the poor drunken Aussie. The boat continues down the river until it hit a pile of rocks and explodes on impact! Damn lucky no one got on that boat or they would have been pretty screwed. Everyone sees the explosion and checks out the wreckage for anything they can use. Tran tells everyone that he knows of a local tribe here that they can go to for help. Wow, don’t you think it would have been a bit convenient to have told everyone this before? Everyone is walking through the jungle once more and Cole states he would “sell his grandmother for a Tic-Tac.” Gordon tells Cole to shut up or he’ll “vote him off the island.” Yeah I know great script work here isn’t it?
They find a dead body and everyone starts screaming. Johnson says an anaconda killed this person then proceeds to give the whole “Anacondas spit up what they’ve killed to kill again” speech. Just when you think that they’ve redeemed themselves by actually sticking to real facts they go and ruin the film with this bullcrap. It turns out there is a female anaconda around somewhere and that they are surrounding by a bunch of male anacondas. If you don’t understand what I mean perhaps I can explain it better by quoting young annoying Cole: they are “stuck in the middle of a huge snake orgy!”
Our heroes walk past an ancient burial ground of the tribe and finally reach their village, only to find it destroyed by the snakes! Damn those vile pillagers! Johnson decides that they are going to big a boat out of the village huts and Cole lets him know that if he went around stripping houses down in his neighbourhood, he would get a cap in his ass. Yes, this is the same person who is somehow the top student in a medical class. We go to a montage of everyone helping to make this raft including a shot of what appears to be the monkey having sex with a skull.
Jack finds a flower inside one of the snakes and figures out that the chemicals of the flower has made these snakes live longer, hence why they are so gigantic! I’m glad we finally got some kind of logically explanation as to why these anacondas are so damn huge. Jack wants to continue with the expedition but Gail says she doesn’t want to continue anymore. She doesn’t care about poor Ben who died or the dangers that they would all face, she just wants to go home because it’s going to take over a week to find the flower and she doesn’t want to wait that long for a bath. Everyone agrees with Gail, which is the sad thing here, but Jack gets pissed off and wants to go saying he is doing this for medical purposes. Sam tells everyone that Jack was put everyone’s lives at risk by telling Johnson to go up the river. Jack gives everyone a freaky look and walks off.
You know what I realised Bucket Heads? The majority of my movies involve people walking for hours through some kind of jungle.
Johnson shows us why he is so tough and manly and begins to shave with a machete. Sam comes over and chats to him and we find out a bunch of useless crap about him that only makes me think he is going to be killed off soon. You know it’s kinda like one of those last minute sympathy attempts before they kill off a character. A big storm is coming and Gordon finding some things inside Jack’s bags that he left behind, including a perfectly working cell phone and a gun! Mitch is going through Jack’s things and find the gun he kept from everyone and a phone. While everyone is testing out the raft, Jack comes back for his belongings and tells Gordon to come with him. Gordon says no so Jack throws that deadly spider at him. Gordon gets bitten, becomes paralysed and Jack takes off with the gun and the phone. Jack says Gordon is resting up in the hut but Sam doesn’t believe it. She finds him completely frozen as an anaconda stalks them from above!
Sam gets the hell out of the hut and tells everyone what Jack done. The anaconda eats Gordon and both Gail and the scream start screaming. Johnson burns the hut with the anaconda inside it but Jack takes off with the raft by himself. Everyone decides to go after Jack and get their raft back. Meanwhile Jack makes a call on his phone saying everyone is dead, so it turns out that the cell phones are now working perfectly. Everyone is running down the river and they can all hear snakes coming after them. They fall down a hill and into a cave. Everyone sticks together but Cole who stops to listen to some random noise. He gets lost even though he had only stopped for about ten seconds. It’s pitch black until lights switch on and Cole finds himself in the middle of a pit full of dead bodies. Cole goes crazy but Tran finds him and calms him down.
Now Tran and Cole are lost and there is an anaconda nearby stalking the two. Tran gets taking down into the pool of water and fights bravely to survive but the snake overpowers him and wins. Johnson, who went back to find the two, finds blood in the water and assumes both of them are dead. Now if Johnson wasn’t that far away from the group, why didn’t they ALL go back a few steps to find Cole? Another anaconda attacks as they head out to the exit. Cole is straggling to catch up to the group and gets stuck in the hole. They pull him out in a nick of time and Sam decapitates the anaconda with Johnson’s machete. Cole starts going crazy and busts out a rap on the snake, only to get grabbed by a snake! HA! There is justice in movie world! Cole is being wrapped up by the anaconda in the trees and Johnson kills the snake by throwing a knife at its head. Cole drops from the snake’s grip and he isn’t breathing. Everyone, even the monkey, is upset but don’t worry people it’s Hollywood, Cole lives…
Meanwhile Jack is still searching for the Blood Orchid. He comes across the flowers and almost starts crying but the guys catch up with him. They run to the raft and Sam finds the empty spider jar. Jack comes out with his piece and Sam talks to him. Jack randomly shoots Johnson in the arm, which is the smart thing to do since he is the strongest of them all.
He may have left his friends to die at the hands of the anacondas but Jack is only doing all this for the name of medical science!
They go back to the flowers to find the snakes in a mating ritual. Jack knocks out Johnson, makes Gail tie up Cole to a tree and forces Sam to go get the flowers by crossing a log over the snake pit to it. Sam makes it to the other side and starts grabbing flowers as the monkey watches on worried about her. Sam starts crawling across the log and begins screaming for some reason. Jack wants the bag but Sam wants him to throw the gun, so Jack shoots at Gail. Sam throws the bag but the poisonous spider is on it! Johnson tackles Jack and the two start fighting. Jack gets the upper hand and sees that the bag full of the Blood Orchids sees the bag is hanging over the edge, dangling above the snake orgy below.
As Jack grabs the bag the spider bites him! Jack becomes paralyzed and falls into the pit! Sam is trying to cross the log back but slips and falls down as well. She begins screaming as the snakes destroy Jack. More snakes start going after her. Gail throws a gas tank at one of the huge anacondas that’s now looking at them. Johnson and Cole grab Sam and pull her out of the orgy and Johnson grabs the gun. He aims it at the gas but there are no bullets left. They grab a flare gun and fire at the canister causes a big explosion that not only kills the big bad ass snake but causes a landslide that kills ALL the snakes in the pit! Everyone starts laughing, even the monkey, and I hope they feel happy with themselves. Way to go you assholes you pretty much just destroy the entire Anaconda population.
The next day everyone is downing down the river in the raft. Johnson says that he knows a shortcut but everyone tells him NO!!! Roll the credits and there you have it Bucket Heads, one bad sequel. You know the sad thing is though? This was actually better than the first movie. It was still a pretty crap movie but it was less crappy than Anaconda. I won’t go into anymore detail I think I’ll save it for my Final Thoughts section in a few days time. Until then I hope you all take care of yourselves and remember, Anacondas will spit up their food so that they may kill again!
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