Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid - Part 1
March 24th 2008 22:38
Category: No Category
Yeah I know, a sequel to a bad movie can't be good but look on the bright side... at least J'Lo or Ice Cube weren't in this one.
Hello Bucket Heads from around the world and welcome to another week of Bucket goodness. I hope you’ve all enjoyed your Easter weekend if you are a Christian or enjoyed the weekend in general for that matter. I hope you’re ready to have some of your happiness ruined by this week’s movie as it ruined my week when I watched it.
Many months ago when I started this website one of my earliest reviews was on a movie called Anaconda. With wonderful acting by singers J’Lo and Ice Cube this movie was destined to be bad. It wasn’t just the all round bad acting by everyone it was also a pathetic storyline and pretty bad special effects. To make matters worse a sequel was made luckily though it was not as big as the first.
The title to this movie was not called Anaconda 2 but Anacondas, see what they did there with the ‘S’ on the end of Anaconda? That’s pretty creative but unfortunately it was the only thing creative about this heap of crap Bucket Heads. So what makes this sequel terrible you ask? Well let’s just jump straight into the Bucket and find out! Here we go people, I present to you Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.
The only romantic chemistry that appeared in this movie was between this man and his pet monkey.
As the credits roll we are treated to a bunch of recycled shots of the Amazon that we’ve seen before in the first movie. There’s a few Amazon tribal people hunting a tiger and to draw it out, one of the hunters begins to sound like a bird. I’ll tell you what this hunter is pretty damn good at doing a bird impersonation I’d kill to do something like that. There’s a disturbance in the jungle as animals start going crazy. The Amazon tribe start freaking out as well as a badly animated giant snake appears! They start being chased through the thick jungle terrain. One by one these tribal men are hurled into trees and one dives into the river but alas, you cannot hide from the deadly anaconda!
We’re in New York City now and we’re in the middle of a board meeting involving people from the medical industry. One of the old doctors wants to sell the company but a few of the doctors want to not only save hundreds of lives but also make a ton of money. They present a bunch of information on special chemicals found in a rare flower known as the Blood Orchid. If harvest right the flower can not only make people live way longer but also make them look young forever! They must hurry though as the flower only blooms one every few years or some crap and they only have two weeks to find it. The medical board agrees to give these doctors the time to find the flower and they head over to Borneo in Indonesia.
Hold up a second… this film is set in Indonesia? I don’t have a problem with that but you know when I see a bunch of tribal men running through a jungle that first thing that pops into my mind is the Amazon and considering that the first movie was based in the Amazon I would think this would be set in South America, not South-East Asia. It doesn’t matter that much though I think the whole thing is pretty stupid.
Anyway we go to a shipyard and our crew are faced with heavy rain. In our group of heroes we have Dr. Jack Byron who’s British, his assistant Sam Rogers who’s American, Gordon Mitchell a tough black guy and Gail Stern who is Latina. So far this movie is beginning to reproduce the same main characters as the last movie. Our crew are all stuck on the docks and it turns out no one wants to go up the river during the rain. They decide to try and find someone to pilot them up the river by checking out the local nightclub. Yes people if you ever need someone to sail you up a river in a dangerous condition head over to your local titty bar and ask around.
In the nightclub they meet up with an Asian dude called Tran, who original, and he takes them to a bad ass American former navy captain called Bill Johnson. He tells them all that in this condition he’ll settle for $50,000 plus an addition $250,000 to cover the boat! Gail doesn’t want to pay Johnson anything; I should mention at this point Gail hates the entire idea of going into the jungle for his flower as she is a representative of the medical company’s board of directors. They end up agreeing to the captain’s demands and head off in the morning when the rain clears up.
Our brave group of medical scientists venture out into the Indonesian jungle to discover the mystical Blood Orchid.
The next morning comes around and we get to see Johnson’s crappy boat which Gail hates but Johnson tells her though it maybe ugly it “puts out”… do I have to keep reminding you guys I am not making up this stuff in any of my reviews? Why do you think movies like this keep making it on this website? Anyway, two more people join the crew who are Jack’s top students. One is some Hispanic kid called Ben Douglas and the other is some thug gangstah right out of da ghetto called Cole Burris. Should I be worried that a kid who looks is dressed like a member of the Crips or the Bloods is the top student of Dr. Jack’s class? Cole is running his mouth off, Ben is trying to pick up Sam with some cheesy pick up lines, Gail hates everyone on the boat and I hate this movie so far. The boat named “Bloody Mary” starts up and we’re off to our long, painful journey to find this Blood Orchid.
Johnson says he knows a safe way to travel to but Cole insists he can find a better way. He pulls out a laptop, connects to a NASA satellite and finds a quicker route. For a smart student this Cole dude has the worse vocabulary but hey, you don’t have to be an English major of you’re going to major in Medicine right? Gail keeps on complaining about the conditions of the boat, from having to crap in a small toilet to there being no space at all in the boat. As she starts going through Johnson’s personal belongings his pet monkey jumps at her and she runs off screaming like Jennifer Lopaz in the first movie. Gail and Gordon are trying to get phone reception but they can’t which begs to ask how the hell did they manage to get reception from a NASA satellite. Tran makes a phone out of a piece of wood and tells them his phone works better as a joke but I’m not laughing. Ben continues his attempts to score with Sam.
It’s nighttime and Sam is trying to have a nice woman-on-woman chat with Gail, who blows her off and starts giving her crap. If I were Sam I’d beat the living hell out of her and dumb her body into the river. It’s a wild jungle out there and everything can kill you so it would be the perfect cover to murdering an annoying person don’t you agree? Soon everyone’s eating dinner and the monkey is getting pissed off that he isn’t getting any, food that is. He wanders up a tree to grab some food but sadly, the boat continues down the river leaving the poor ape behind. As the monkey is heading over the boat, the anaconda begins to chase it! Yes people, we are treated to a wild chase scene between a damn monkey and a crappy animated snake! The snake snaps its jaws and the screen goes to black, assuming he caught the monkey.
Meanwhile on the boat Johnson can’t find his monkey and gets upset. Gail falls out of the boat and cuts herself but no one cares since everyone hates her. As she is struggling in the water she is attacking by a large snake! Johnson dives in to save her and it is not a large snake but a crocodile. Johnson rides the dangerous reptile, to wrestle and fight it not the other “ride” you sick freak, and begins to punch the beast in the head! Johnson pulls out his knife and begins stabbing the crap out of it! Johnson helps Gail onto the boat and instead of thanking him for saving her life, she gets pissed off that she lost her cell phone. Now if I were Johnson I would take my knife and kill her for being ungrateful. That would teach that bitch a lesson. The boat continues up the river as a snake takes the body of the crocodile.
Though Johnson wrestles a crocodile and kills it with his bare hands to save her, Gail is still an ungrateful bitch.
Everyone is sitting around talking about what the Blood Orchid can do and Gail still doesn’t believe that the flower can do all the things it says it can. The monkey comes back and scares the crap out of everyone. Inside their cabin Sam and Jack are talking about their stock within the company. It turns out that these two had sexual relations in the past, just like Jennifer Lopaz and that redhead guy in the first movie did. Doesn’t this all sound too familiar Bucket Heads? Johnson calls Jack into his cockpit or whatever that area of the boat is called and says there’s trouble up ahead and the journey is getting very risky. Jack doesn’t care and offers Johnson more money to keep this going. Meanwhile Gail and Gordon are talking and she mentioned how much she loves money. Gordon tells Gail that he doesn’t care about the whole life saving thing to medicine it’s all about the money to him. I must say so far everyone in the movie has to be the greediest assholes that I have ever seen.
Like Johnson predicted the river starts to flood and get dangerous. The motor gets jammed and to make matter worse, they are stuck and headed straight for a waterfall! Everyone holds on tight as the boat travels down the fall like a water log ride at an amusement park! Everyone survives and they even manage to grab a map that must have been made out of water proof paper or something. They travel on foot through the jungle as Johnson calls his Aussie friend to come pick them up on his boat. Everyone is getting tired of walking through the jungle while Ben is STILL trying to pick up Sam. It seems like Sam is beginning to fall for Johnson’s tough manly features. As our brave heroes venture through the thick jungle the Aussie guy sees something luring in the water below.
What is going to happen next? Will the Aussie guy reach our heroes in time before he is attacked by the bloodthirsty anaconda? Will are heroes be killed off one-by-one by these deadly reptiles? Will they ever find the Blood Orchid so that they can save humanity? Only one way to find out!
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