Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid – Top 5 Flops & Final Thoughts.
March 31st 2008 23:09
), I give the belated Top 5 Flops & Final Thoughts for the crapfest that was Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid.#5: Anaconda Edu-mah-cation 101.
When I reviewed the first Anaconda movie I attacked it for the way they portrayed anacondas. Yeah I know it’s a movie and Hollywood always over-exaggerates things but the way these reptiles have been portrayed to viewers it makes them completely unbelievable. You would have thought these guys would learn their mistakes from the first bad movie they made but no, they continued to make anacondas look totally unrealistic.
Don’t even get me started on the damn “anacondas are so blood thirsty that they regurgitate recent kill in order to kill again” bullcrap they pulled on both movies. I remember seeing this in the first movie and I wanted to hit someone then I saw it in this movie, and damn I wanted to hit someone again.
#4: One dangerous doctor.
What the hell is up with the movies I have been watching involving a psychotic doctor? Last week we had “The Doctor” from Fear Dot Com and this week we have seemingly harmless British doctor Jack. The difference? While The Doctor is killing people for getting dirty with the Internet, Dr. Jack is killing people in order to get the Blood Orchid so that he can use its powers to save humanity.
Now I will admit I was impressed by the way he was willing to put everyone’s lives at risk so that he can get make medicine. I mean out of everyone on this expedition he was the only one that didn’t care about how much profit he would get out of the flower. I really admire Jack, but damn I wouldn’t want this asshole treating me I mean what if I refused to take his medicine?
#3: Monkey chase scene!
I’ve seen movies were the majority of chase scenes have involved a car or cars chasing another car or cars. There are tons of other chase scenes for example, a motorbike chasing a truck that’s chasing a dirt bike. What about a huge crane truck and a bunch of emergency vehicles chasing one of those mini truck things? Yeah, the Terminator movies have provided us with some awesome chase scenes. There’s a lot more out there like animals chasing people you know like vicious dogs or lions or some type of demon or something which are still pretty cool to watch.
But a chase scene involving a monkey and a snake!? Have you ever seen anything like that before? It was one of the pathetic chases I have ever seen in a movie. Whose bright idea was it to add in a chase scene where an anaconda is speeding after a monkey? Did they think that people would care about a poor monkey being chased by a hungry snake? It was completely lame and should have been removed from the movie, in fact the movie itself should be removed all together.
#2: The dialogue…
God, it was terrible, really terrible. Everyone in that movie spoke so stereotypically it was not funny. You had the British guy speaking arrogantly and hurling around big words to make himself sound smarter. The kid from the ghetto was so damn annoying with his street lingo and the Latina representative from the company constantly bitched and complained about everything in the jungle.
I think this is the first time that I have seen a movie where everyone was constantly arguing with one another. From the start of the movie and right up to the end everyone had a grunge against everyone. Using their vocabulary that was fitted to match the stereotype they represented this lead to extremely annoying dialogue that was so painful to listen to, it would make you want to bite your own ears off.
#1: Haven’t I seen these characters before?
This movie had the same types of characters from the first movie. Let me show you:
A Latina woman: Check.
A blonde American woman: Check.
A black man: Check, in fact one was sophisticated and one was from da hood.
A British man: Check.
A boat owner who used to be in the army: Check.
The boat owner’s native assistant/friend: Check.
A man who is totally horny and wants to bang the American chick: Check.
A blonde American woman: Check.
A black man: Check, in fact one was sophisticated and one was from da hood.
A British man: Check.
A boat owner who used to be in the army: Check.
The boat owner’s native assistant/friend: Check.
A man who is totally horny and wants to bang the American chick: Check.
Yes people, they recycled the same types of characters from the first movie and used them all again in the second movie. In fact they recycled more than just the characters. The movie took place mainly on a boat and a river, two of the characters were involved in a past relationship, there were people on the trip only in it for the money, and there was one who was so keen on reaching the goal he put everyone’s life at risk. The only thing that was different about the first and second movie was the Blood Orchid, and the fact they this movie was set in Indonesia and not the Amazon.
Final Thoughts.
It felt like I was watching the same movie I reviewed many months ago Bucket Heads and if you have been following this website from the beginning you’ll damn well know I hated the first one. As much as this movie sucked, Anacondas: HotBO was a better movie than Anaconda. The thing that made the 2nd movie better than the 1st was the fact that it was a storyline. It was terrible yes but it was still a storyline and that is what made the first movie bad.
The acting in this movie was something I’d expect to see in a B-Grade movie but with a budget of $25 Million you would have thought some of that would go to getting better actors.
This didn’t even feel like a sequel in fact if you changed the name completely you could have a different movie all together. There were no references from the first movie and none of the character even made a small cameo in it. There was absolutely nothing in the movie that linked it back to the first movie. I’m telling you if you had no idea about the first movie you would fail in thinking that this was a sequel.
You know what’s terrible? They made a sequel to the first bad movie and they not only have a third movie in the works, but a damn FOURTH movie going to be shot together with the third! Why do people keep insisting on making follow-ups if the first movie was damn terrible!? I will never understand people like this Bucket Heads, I just never will.
Only see this movie if you liked the first, actually you’ll like it better than the first since this crap smells a little bit less bad than the other heap of crap. That’s all I have to say about this movie so I’m going to chuck it back into the Bucket. The next review we are going to look at involves some mid-air drama on a plane. Yeah, you’re probably thinking I’ll follow up this review with “Snakes on a Plane” but I’m saving that for another day. The movie being pulled out of the Bucket this week is called Turbulence 3 and well… let’s just say when I think I’ve seen the worse movie there’s something out there that just shocks me even more.
Until my next review take care my Bucket Heads!
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