Anaconda – Synopsis
July 11th 2008 08:49
Having one singer who can't act is one thing, having two singers that can't act should be taken as a sign that the end of the world is coming.
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Anaconda begins with some information about… well Anacondas. Did you know that Anacondas love to hunt and kill anything? They love it so much that they regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again! They are monsters that can’t be satisfied and you know what that means? We’re in for one bad movie!
The movie starts off in the Amazon River where a Hispanic man is panicking like a child sex offender trying to keep a low profile at a Wiggles concert. The guy is stuck in a station out in the middle of the river and there is something in the water. The man panics so much that he just shoots himself in the head. Maybe he had a vision of how bad the movie was going to turn out.
We see a lovely group of people all who are heading out to film a documentary about a lost Amazon tribe. We have a hot Latina girl Terri, a tough man from the Bronx called Danny, a red haired guy called Steven, a British guy called Warren, some random guy called Gary and his girlfriend Denise. Our brave documentary are about to venture into the depths of the unknown.
Our crew sets off down the river and Gary asks Denise if she’s feeling horny. Everyone has little fights with one another over their culture and backgrounds. It’s nighttime and there’s a big storm. The crew comes across a creepy, weird looking guy called Paul and he has been stranded on his wrecked boat. They take him aboard, and he catches a massive fish for them. He also has a friend with him called Mateo. Paul tells the crew that he happens to know where the lost tribe they are looking for is. What are the odds!?
Terry and Steven are out on the deck late at night looking at some fireflies in the sky. The two talk about how they used to go out and it bores me. Meanwhile, a panther gets attacked by the ANACONDA! It squeezes it so tight that it pops its eyeballs out. The next day Warren the Brit has an argument with Danny from the Bronx – get it? Like Jenny from the Block, and J’Lo’s in this movie… alright I’ll stop now. Danny tells Warren he’ll get his “momma’s army” to beat him up.
Warren gets Gary to start taping him talking about the lost tribe and how they worship anacondas. Paul interrupts the documentary and says he knows the truth about the tribe and anacondas. Steven gets annoyed at Paul. It’s nighttime again, wow things go from day to night really quick in this movie, and Gary and his girl Denise get off the boat to do some… “exploring”. When people go off alone like that for that reason you know something bad is going to happen and it does – they get attacked by a wild boar. Paul kills it and says it is going to make a good roast.
The boat gets caught onto something so Steven dives underneath to check it out, while Paul stares weirdly at Terry. Steven comes up like he is being attacked by something and the other’s save him. It turns out that a wasp managed to make its way into his mouthpiece UNDERWATER and sting his throat. It’s ok people, Paul is a doctor it seems and makes a little incision in his neck and sticks a straw in it to help him breath. J’Lo finally starts acting but it was better when she just stood around saying a few words. Paul takes over the boat as his friend Mateo loses more of his clothing with each scene.
There’s a block in the river – similar to a beaver dam – so Paul and Gary set up explosive. They blow the block up and snakes go flying all over the place. Warren gets bitten by a little baby snake and has a cry. Terry is scared about Paul, who keeps staring at her. They find an abandoned boat to Paul, Mateo and Danny get out to check it out. They find a box with weapons in it and head back to the boat when Mateo falls and gets attacked by the ANACONDA! It’s badly animated and it twists Mateo’s head.
Danny tries to go back to find Mateo but Paul calls him back because he was killed by the snake. Warren wants to get the hell out of there but everyone wants to hang around for some reason. A second storm is coming and Gary decides to side with Paul to survive. They decide they are going to capture the snake – because Paul wants a lot of money. Paul takes over the boat, Danny tries to stop him but he gets shot at. Paul kills a monkey and they use it as bait to fish the Anaconda out of the river. Amazingly, and stupidly, it works.
The snake comes out of the water as Paul struggles to capture it. Danny wants to stab Paul but the snake whips him with its tail. It breaks free and spits the monkey’s corpse at Warren. He looks around the boat looking for someone to kill and decides to go for J’Lo! Good choice! Paul fires a tranquilizer at it and it knocks Denise into the water. Gary dives in to save her but the Anaconda dives after him and wraps him up. J’Lo wants to shoot the snake but Paul doesn’t want it dead. Gary goes down into the water and Paul says a prayer for him. Denise hates Paul but Paul raises his eyebrows creepily at her.The snake swims through the water with Owen Wilson’s face imprinted on its stomach.
Terry begins to seduce Paul in his cabin, but it’s the old “scared woman wants a strong man to look after her” trick. Paul thinks Danny is going to jump him, but Warren knocks him out from behind with a golf club. Terry talks to Paul and it turns out everything has been planned – from his wrecked boat to him planting a wasp inside Steven’s oxygen tank. Yup, this guy is one smart cookie.
Everyone decides to turn around and head home, but they get stuck on rocks. Terry, Danny and Warren get out to check it out. Warren talks about having leeches on his scrotum. Denise wants to kill Paul, who is all tied up against a pole. Paul leaps up into the air, wraps his legs around Denise and kills her. The Anaconda comes back as Danny and Terry fight Paul on the boat, while the snake chases Warren. Warren climbs up a waterfall and jumps, but the Anaconda manages to catch him in midair and eat him. The tree the Anaconda was wrapped around falls and crashes into the boat.
Danny is splashing around in the water and a bunch of dead bodies are floating over to him. Terry shoots the snake and it dies. Paul gets mad and attacks the two, but Steven comes out of nowhere and stabs Paul in the back. Paul squeezes his throat, opening the hole in his throat, before dropping into the river and floating off. Terry and Danny land at an abandon woodmill plant and check it out. They find the fuel they need for their boat – they ran out of the stuff – and they also find a large piece of snake skin. Suddenly, Paul emerges and attacks them! See it wasn’t a knife that Steven drove into his back, it was a tranquilizer dart that looks like a knife!
Paul places the two in a net and throws monkey blood on them. He uses them as bait and a second, larger Anaconda appears. Paul sets off the huge trap he places under Terry and Danny, but the snake breaks free and attacks Paul. Danny and Terry free themselves as the Anaconda wraps itself around Paul and crushes him. It opens his mouth and we get treated to a nice snake camera inside its throat as Paul get swallowed. The snake heads after Terry, who spits up the body of Paul, who is alive and burning in stomach acid!
The Anaconda chases after Terry up a chimney. Danny nails a large spike through its tail and pins it down. They use the fuel they were going to use for the boat to blow the snake up! The large reptile is tossed meters into the air, set ablaze with flames and screaming like a human. It splashes into the water allowing Terry and Danny to rest up… or so they think! The snake pops back up and attacks them, so Danny grabs an axe and hacks it’s head. NOW the beast is dead. That’s one tough son of a bitch.
Steven recovers and joins Terry and Danny on the port of the boat as they take off. They find the lost tribe that they were looking forward, but none of the idiots decide to film it. The boat sails off into the sunset and everyone lives happily ever after, accept all those people who died horribly.
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Comment by Damo
A fun but stupid film where everyone is a character.
I played victim bingo.
It was easy in this film.
The were killed in order of ugliest to most annoying.
However the body count was satisfactory.
My only nagging problem was how come the lost tribe only showed up after the snake was killed? The cowards.
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Snipets
Comment by Damo